Deal or no deal

Sami's 'impossible decision' is a complete no-brainer. Chad and Sonny have a grand opening. And two pairs of ex-lovers find themselves starting over again -- or not. Find out in this week's Two Scoops what decisions should be made.

Don't you dare do this to me, DAYS. Don't even think about it. After all that we've been through, all the precious DVR space that I've sacrificed for you -- even blessing you with the "Keep Until I Delete" status -- don't you dare let Sami take that deal.

It's not that the deal would cause trouble for Ejami, a couple that's been "together" together for all of six months -- bupkis next to the three-plus years of Safe.

It's not that Melinda the Terrible's plan to trap Stefano by using E.J. would have worked a whole lot better before Stefano starting hating and disowning E.J. Does Melinda, Queen of the Stank Attitude, not realize that she'd be doing Stefano a favor by clearing the way for him to reclaim his company?

It's not that E.J.'s been on a mission to out-Stefano Stefano lately by getting Stoller to plant money in little Timmy's bank account. (Side note -- Accumulating $23 dollars in a child's savings account over five years doesn't exactly show responsible decision making in the Bernardi family. I'm starting to see why Marge is perpetually angry.) While Justin is fighting Sami's legal battles, I'm totally on board with E.J. fighting Stefano.

It's not even that Kate's come around to side with Sami which never happens. Nor is it the fact that a full trial could give months of awesome storyline, Salemites on the witness stand, and a jury made up of fantastic recurring characters like Henderson and Maxine.

No, no. It's really none of those very good reasons that I'm opposed to Sami taking the deal. It's that in order for Sami to take this deal, she'd have to do something that she would utterly, completely, 100 percent, no-way-in-h-e-double-hockey-sticks ever do -- Sami would have to admit that she was wrong. Love her or hate her for that, we can all agree that Sami would rather chug thumbtacks than concede defeat. It's just not part of her character. It never has been. It should not start now.

Of course, I don't read spoilers, so this whole thing could clear up next week. I sure hope so because there's no amount of cookie dough ice cream that could get me through this plot twist. Especially since I've used up a chunk of my supply on Daniel, Jennifer, and J.J.

The hard part for me is that I actually like all three characters. But when either of them gets in the same room with either of the others, it starts to go wrong. J.J. acts like an immature, problem teenager, which I guess is understandable, because... well... that's exactly what he is. But what's Daniel and Jennifer's excuse?

From what I remember, Daniel was totally nervous that Jennifer's note could get read aloud in class. But he really just wanted her to go to Homecoming with her, even if it would make J.J. mad. Good gravy, Jen doll, if you're really trying to teach your kid honesty, then you should probably set a better example.

Alas, this storyline has gotten so taxing that I let out an "Amen!" when Anne said, "I am so burnt out on the gossip about Daniel and Jennifer and their so-called love life, I'd rather talk about the debt crisis." Annie baby, I don't agree with much that you say, but we're on the same page here. Only instead of the debt crisis, I want to talk about the fabulous grand opening of Chad and Sonny's new Club TBD!

I'm a sucker for big group scenes. I loved that Kristen and E.J. both showed up to support Chad. I thought it was awesome that Will and Brady got to catch up. And, of course, there was T. I do love me some T. In fact, I fully support the idea of him becoming the permanent bouncer at Club TBD.

I also really enjoy the friendship between Chad and Sonny. This is now the third business venture between the two of them. In a way, they're the most successful relationship in Salem. And thanks to them getting some screen time together, someone actually uttered words about how Gabi got away with everything she did to Melanie. Wowza! Mentions of Gabi's crimes are about as common as finding jeans that fit. Could this be foreshadowing that her crimes will finally be made public?! I sure hope so because Gabi's character is at a crossroads right now.

On one side, there's the devoted sister and new mother, struggling to hold it all together with the help of her gay best friends. She makes unselfish decisions like staying home with baby Ari so that Will could go out and stand by his man during Sonny's big night. She does adorkably cute things like drink cranberry juice out of a wine glass. (Why not? Make it fun!) Anyone can see that this Gabi has very little of her life together, but she's trying her best, and I kind of love her for that.

On the other side, there's Nick at the door. Personally, I'm rooting for Nick. He's a next generation Horton, helmed by the endlessly talented Blake Berris. But Nick and Gabi both used each other the entire course of their last relationship to avoid dealing with some pretty major individual problems. So, I'm not sure what there is to even rebuild. I'm hoping that Gabi realizes her mistake and puts an end to it.

It is pretty classic addict behavior, though, on Nick's part. If Nick and Theresa were to end up in rehab at the same time, that wouldn't be so terrible either.

LOOSE ENDS I haven't seen enough of Jordan to form an opinion of her. But I don't really think it matters what "uglied-up" glamazon shows up in librarian glasses, Rafe and Kate have some tough water ahead. Rafe isn't one to take other's opinions on what he should have for lunch, much less stand by while Kate acts as the arbiter of information about his attack. Something tells me he's not going to be too pleased when he learns that Kate knew what Stefano's true intentions were for little Rafe and didn't tell big Rafe. He'll also be less than ecstatic when he learns that Kate hand-picked and paid for his physical therapist without telling him.

Vargas headed back to jail without so much as a last name. Or first name. Not sure. But at least Theresa learned this very valuable lesson: never date a man who uses a coffee can for a wallet. It's one of life's tough truths, but it's best she learn it sooner rather than later. Next up, facing Hope's eyebrow of judgment. This one won't be so easy. And I'm totally cheering for Fancy Face!

I don't know if Kristen is pregnant or not. But I do know that telling Jen that she's not pregnant would be a great way to throw Jen off her trail if Kristen didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Eric confessed to a constant feeling of dread that something bad happened to him. If only he knew someone who could do something like hypnotize him to get in touch with his subconscious memories. Shoot. I can't think of a single soul.

Chad got punched in the face, and Cameron was there to make an appropriately big deal out of Chad's bloody face and cranial swelling. This made me realize that I could possibly enjoy Lexie's bros sharing more scenes together if they weren't in the most ridiculously polite love triangle ever. At one point last week, Abigail actually assured Cameron that he didn't have to ignore her while she was on her date with Chad. I think the Abbytini might consist of one part awesome fashion and three parts indecisiveness. I'm begging for Chris Harrison to show up and pressure Abigail to give out that final rose already!

HOT Let's face it, as much as we all love Magic, Victor's spent a little too much time on good behavior since he married Maggie. But teaming up with Marlena to protect Brady gives him an outlet for his deliciously devilish side! I positively adore this duo! It doesn't hurt that Deidre Hall and John Aniston are quite charming together either.

Victor and Marlena discovered that Kristen slept with someone else, but they knew they'd need buckets of proof before they approach Brady. Their first step is to identify who was on the other end of Kristen's phone call confession. Ruling out Stefano and Brady doesn't leave too many other people on the suspect list. E.J., Chad, and Jennifer are about it.

NOT Do I even need to expound upon the ridiculata of Nicole taking a stand for a father's right to know he has a child? She's lied to E.J. about the genetics of three children! (Sydney, Grace, and Daniel Rafael) That's it; I'm forming a search party for the real Nicole. Who's with me? I say we start at the best martini bar in the tri-state area and work our way out from there.

LINE OF THE WEEK Kate: "You're not going to get away with it." Stefano: "Do you know how many people have said that to me in the past?" #TruthBombsFromStefano

SUMMER OF SINNERS We know that J.J. is a problem child. But what other nine kids made the list? Check out our new blog here!

RANDOM THOUGHTS I want Mary and Harold to take me swimming! I'm certain they pack excellent snacks.

I spent a good chunk of my time, trying to figure out the wonder that was Kate's mullet (business in the front, party in the back) jacket.

As soon as Chad asked Abigail out, my first thought was, "Oh! I can't wait to see what she'll wear!" She did not disappoint!

Rafe is such an honest cop that he would never lie or obstruct an investigation to help Sami when she shot someone. Yah, and my driver's license displays my correct weight too.

How did Theresa not know that Jen and Daniel were dating? It's everyone's favorite topic in Salem.

E.J.'s comment about how Kate gave Stefano motive and Sami the gun was a pretty good zinger.

Will's dance entering the club was entirely adorable.

Cecily doesn't talk nearly enough for me to trust her. Maybe she's related to Robyn.

I love that E.J. doesn't blame Chad for shooting the video. I like their brotherly bond.

Kate Roberts is pretty much tailor-made to take on Melinda Trask, no?

Gabi, Will, and Sonny named off a lot of people who weren't Caroline or Marlena. No wonder they couldn't find a sitter.

Did anyone see Brent at the grand opening? He's not my favorite, but he probably should have been there.

I dug that Stefano called Sonny, "Jackson."

I'm totally #TeamChad, but technically Abigail should have spent the day of the memorial with Cameron. He was present the moment Jack died, after all.

The next time a script calls for a forensic accountant, it might be a nice to have Patrick Muldoon's Austin guest star for a few days. Austin has a history of helping Sami out of jail. And it wouldn't be a shock to learn that Austin and Carrie knew the truth about why Will came to live with them. I can see Will calling his Uncle Austin for help.

I'm starting the rumor that Club TBD is going to feature live music acts because I've always wanted an excuse to hear my favorite Salemites sing. Club TBD could be like Doug's Place 2.0!

Bad news/good news -- Come this winter, Chandler Massey will be gone, but Will will still be around!

Could the reason that no one can find any money connecting Bernardi to Stefano be because Stefano was actually blackmailing Bernardi instead of paying him?

If I looked as good in anything as Camila Banus looked in that gold dress, I'd never take it off. Errands at Target? Yoga? Yard work? Doesn't matter. I know what I'd wear.

That's it for this week! Tony will be back next week with his official review of the Abbytini. He's so dedicated that he'll probably have tried the T as well. The dude is nothing but dedicated to whiskey DAYS.