Tears of a clown

Ridge cried tears of joy over Will's custody while Bill's tears were actually not crocodile. But Brooke nearly reduced the judge to tears after learning Ridge influenced him! Grab a Kleenex with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you dress down your man with an "I'm sorry, I won't do it again"? Did you surprisingly act like you were surrounded by onions? Did you judge a judge's book by his cover? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Spectra-Avant clan this week!

'Tis I once again, Scoopers! Looks like our innocent Miss Emma has a skeleton in her relationship closet, after all, while Will's custody hearing continued digging up the bones of all concerned just in time for Hallowe'en. Barracuda Bill cried tears so real that even the gun-slinging Sally gave him a pass, but Brooke went picking Blackberries and landed a judge in her basket! Y'all ready to deal with this circus? Let's Scoop about it!

TEARS ON MY PILLOW

Emma may be growing up before our eyes, but girlfriend better put her wisdom teeth back in, 'cuz they're not quite ripe yet. She sashayed into the backstage area, where the Intimates models were strutting their stuff for the camera. Um, if Forrester Creations has a real photographer (too bad Oliver isn't still around), why did they need Xander to take amateur snaps with an iPad the last go-round?

Must have been cold back in London, because former resident Xander sure knew how to freeze. He was so frigid in front of the cameraman, his junk likely crawled back inside for warmth. Enter Zoe, who apparently can get that fruit out of the loom like nobody's business. How hilarious was it that we saw fellow newbie Zoe giving Xander modeling tips? Her skill set only includes painting and cyberbullying!

Well, Emma saw this humpin' around and ditched the Bobby Brown track for one of Young MC's, 'cuz she busted a move on her cabana-setter-upper in no time flat. "You left London to get away from her, remember?" Now, some of you felt Xander was no more a pig than other B&B boys when I gave him that label a few weeks ago. Turns out I was right to label him thusly, because he simply defended himself to Emma.

"Come on, we were just working," Xander insisted unconvincingly. That locker room talk didn't work on the dancing intern, who blurted out, "I see what's going on...maybe you should just be with her!" Smartest thing Emma's ever said, illustrated by the fact that Xander let Zoe kiss on him again moments later. Xander has been Team Zoe ever since she skipped across the pond, and Emma is really better off without him.

Emma thought so, too, until she ran across her BFF Tiffany in the halls of FC. (Why was Tiff not busted for taking a selfie there?) I guess they had to invent a friend to advise Emma, since Karla Mosley's maternity leave has had Maya AWOL -- but Tiffany wasn't useless, after all, because she ratted Emma out to us. "I'm worried it's happening again," Tiffany revealed. "Remember what happened last time with Jonathan?"

As one of my best friends says, "Scoom scoom!" So, the indignant Emma has a former boyfriend she apparently drove away with her jealousy act. Emma ran to Xander and apologized, promising it wouldn't happen again, like she had done something wrong. Emma, honey, the green-eyed monster may be an issue to watch out for in relationships, but Xander's the wrongdoer here. You were right the first time!

SEND IN THE CLOWNS

At the hearing, Wyatt found himself describing Bill's marriage(s) to Katie as "stormy," adding that "the divorce kinda cleared the clouds." But then the one-time solar showerer got showered with reminders that he'd romanced his half-brother's mama! And here's a real news flash: Will never knew about Watie. Guess the kid never asked why he had to spend so much time with Aunt Donna and come home to pizza boxes.

Wyatt (and the show) got major points from me when it was finally mentioned that Bill couldn't see Will for weeks because of his shooting! Did any of you catch Liam looking down knowingly when Wyatt said "some random person" had done the deed? Man, it really needs to come out that Taylor pulled the trigger. Not that I want her to do jail time, though it wouldn't have to be a waste...she could hook up with Deacon!

Continuing on the continuity train, Carter brought up how Wyatt had been bribed into maintaining Bill's lie that he was still sleeping with Steffy so Bill could steal her away from Liam! It does make you wonder why Steffy was sitting at Forrester, rapping with Hope, Eric, and Quinn about the hearing instead of taking the stand herself. I mean, Steffy was only the inadvertent driving force behind Bill's abandonment of Will.

I know they need their screen time, but did we really need to hear Stope and Queric weighing in? "He's reckless!" Quinn said of Bill. "He's selfish! He's destructive!" Ask Liam how the point of your sword said the same thing about you, "Eve!" The only important takeaway from this confab was Steffy saying, "Bill has to be on his best behavior, or he'll lose Will for real." But that's getting ahead of myself.

Brooke took the stand next and was deemed Will's surrogate mother by virtue of the fact that Katie ditched him in a postpartum haze! Nice! Katie's brief drinking problem came up, too. "And it wasn't the stress of motherhood that brought it on," Carter clarified. Bazinga! Blame on Brill! But instead of taking responsibility, Brooke pivoted and said that Bill correcting his mistakes ought to be enough.

Says the woman for whom "Mistake" has become a middle name. Anyway, not to be outdone, Bill finally got a chance to speak and was belligerent as always, and he wasn't even trying to defend his preference for beer. His bluster came with a sizable amount of accuracy, though. On his own, he slowed Carter's roll by volunteering his part in the Spectra explosion that endangered Liam!

After declaring his devotion to Will, Bill threatened the judge, snarling that he'd never stop fighting a ruling against him, then turned around and said, "Your authority does not exceed the authority that makes me Will's father." That's as close to church as the Dollah is ever gonna get! Bill stood up and took his side's closing statement away from Justin, which was cool; oddly, Katie got to make her own closing statement, as well.

While Katie held firm to suing Bill, she swore she wanted what was best for her ex, too, and brought up a few of his very few virtues. "He helped me through my transplant," she cried. No, he didn't! Bill wasn't even in L.A. when you got Storm's heart, and it was Nick you nearly married after your I'm-gonna-die shtick pulled him away from Bridget. Do you mean Bill made a habit of picking up your anti-rejection meds from Walgreens for you?

BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS

Judge McMullen was ready to call a recess so he could make a decision -- until Ridge shifted in his seat. Really? Judge Boy needed silent pressure from Ridge to pull a Spike Lee here and do the right thing? It was all in front of him; his own disgust over Bill's pursuit of Steffy should have been enough, not to mention Bill nearly killing Ridge in Abu Dhabi, however unintentional.

It was never stated, but the scene played like the judge was going to rule in Bill's favor until he suddenly switched gears. Sorry, that's not how I saw it at all. I don't think the judge needed any prodding from Ridge to give custody to Katie. Bill's numerous misdeeds were like bread crumbs left for Hansel and Gretel in the forest, and only the whites of Bill's dirty laundry were aired.

As you've guessed by now, McMullen gave sole custody of Will to Katie. Hear that, Thorne? Katie. "We have full custody of Will!" Thorne cheered. You have nothing, Thorne, so shut up. Bill wanted to be there when Katie told Will about the ruling; Katie got him to agree to her and Thorne giving her son the scoop first, adding that Bill could come by and pick up the slack afterwards.

I don't know -- that seemed kind of cold to me. And here's a question for all you parents out there: was it unusual that Will even knew about the hearing, let alone that he was told of its outcome? Maybe it's just me; I never had kids. Will got pulled from his playdate (shouldn't he have been in school?) so Katie and Thorne could give the boy the lowdown. They wanted Will to know that nothing would change.

If nothing is changing and "you can see your dad whenever you want," then what was the point of the hearing? Fine performances, perhaps, because those were there in spades. Hard-hearted Bill actually cried, telling Will, "I never want to see the hurt in your eyes from my neglect," and I thought, "Don Diamont Emmy reel!" But not cynically. Not only did Diamont rock, it's nice to see an emotion from Bill once in a while.

ALL THE WORLD LOVES A CLOWN

Bill took his act on the road (again, I don't mean that cynically...for once!), thanking Wyatt and Liam for being fair with him in front of the judge. It made Bill feel good to see his adult sons hanging out. Me, too! Liam and Wyatt's literal bromance is one of the best things on the show. Maybe Bill should have had his grown kids proofread that custody ruling. It read, "THE MINOR WILLIAM SCPENCER IV"!

"SCPENCER!" Here's me rolling around on the floor, laughing. But after my chortling, I asked myself, "IV"? If the Dollah is Bill, Jr., then that makes Will a III, not a IV. I think the implication is that Liam is William Spencer III, but that was never established, and Liam was born a Cooper, besides. I know, "Liam" is a nickname for "William" -- I just don't ever recall Liam taking his father's name legally. One day it was just there, you know?

Once Wyatt left, Bill thanked Liam again for not crucifying him with the judge (laying it on thick or repetitive writing?), then sung Liam's praises as a father like he was auditioning for the Vienna Boys' Choir. Having lost custody of Will, now Bill just wanted one thing: to hold his granddaughter Kelly! Liam reluctantly agreed, after which Bill took to Kelly right away. "Kelly is perfect," Bill swooned.

Okay, even I was touched seeing Bill with Kelly, but ooh doggies, could we be doing it? Listen to how Bill said Kelly definitely took after both her parents and claimed that "you can't put a price on a little girl who can look up to you." I'm telling you, the groundwork is being laid for us to find out that Bill, not Liam, is Kelly's father. Remember, Bill was skulking around the hospital's hallways the day Steffy had her paternity test!

Bill got one more dose of compassion from one helluva surprising source. I wondered why the show gave us two days of Sally trying on her lingerie for the I-can't-stand-up Wyatt. It's not that I'm not glad Sally has another crack at designing, but Sally was supposed to reboot Spectra on the original Sally's directive. What would the O.S. think about her great-niece hawking lingerie while her beloved office lies in ruins?

Anyway, Bill busted in on Wally's afterglow (oops) and traded barely concealed barbs with former adversary Sally until the earth shifted beneath them. No, I don't mean via an infamous California earthquake, but Bill and Sally finding common ground because of Will. "I don't hate you," Sally revealed to Bill, "at least not like I used to," which prompted Bill to green-light Wyatt's relationship with her!

"I'm happy you're not living your life alone," Bill told #1 son, and Sally gave them time alone, admitting she felt for Bill having lost custody of Will. Aww! Sally also gave Wally some depth when she confessed to Wyatt, apparently for the first time given Wyatt's expression, that "I know firsthand that sometimes custody needs to be taken away," citing her own parents' failures having led to being raised by Shirley! Yaaaay, continuity!

THE TRACKS OF MY TEARS

In 30-plus years, Ridge Forrester has never been one for subtlety, but right about now, he's about to take the title away from Captain Obvious. First, Ridge gloated to Bill about the judge's ruling, then he ruffled Brooke's feathers even further by spouting that he took pleasure in Bill's pain, even if his Logan didn't.

Yeah, Ridge is being an ass with this whole thing. Even rose-colored-glasses Hope can see that her sometime stepdad has too much invested in Will's custody, and Ridge has all but crowed to anyone who would listen that Bill losing that custody is what Bill deserves for bedding Steffy. If Ridge wanted to keep his involvement in the hearing quiet, he'd shrug his shoulders and move on instead of parading around like a peacock.

Bill is certainly not one to proffer platitudes, but he was spot on when he said, "That poser better figure out that Brooke is a strong, independent woman with her own opinions...if [Ridge] can't accept [that]...he's gonna push her away again." Also true was Bill's contention that Ridge was far less concerned with Will or Katie than he was with sticking it to Bill. I can see Ridge in Captain Obvious' snazzy red suit and hat.

Bill got a visit from Brooke; as Bill kicked himself for not getting Judge McMullen in his pocket, Brooke reminded her ex-Stallion that such tampering is a crime. On the heels of that, Bill wondered, "How the hell could Katie have won? With what? What proof?" Not putting stock in Katie's "old-ass calendar" (how B&B predicted recent events, I don't know!), Bill's words signaled that Ridge is going to get snagged, and soon.

Bill had another flashback of kissing Brooke, but thankfully, that's where any reheated Brill ended. Brooke shut down a compliment of Dollah's with a look that clearly said, "Child, please." Any loyalty to Ridge beyond that got covered with frost, however, when Brooke came home and caught her destiny playing with his Blackberry. Get your minds out of the gutter, Scoopers! I mean, whipping out his secret phone!

There was no need for Ridge to call Craig with another thank-you, especially from home. Of course, had Ridge not done that, Brooke couldn't have watched him hide away his tech. Despite the continuing drought in Los Angeles, our lead Forresters waste an awful lot of water, because this was the second joint shower Brooke turned down, which can't speak well of Bridge's marriage.

With Ridge getting zestfully clean, Brooke dug through Ridge's bag and found his cellular contraband. Dun-dun-dun! Actually, I don't know why the underscore indicated suspense, because there was nothing direct in Ridge's call or texts to McMullen that gave away Ridge swaying his ruling. Yet Brooke had two and two making four immediately; must have been those chemistry skills we never hear about anymore.

I did love that the prefix of McMullen's phone was 133. No actual prefixes begin with a "1" -- it's a sly way of getting around showing a number people might actually call. You know that's why they always used to use 555 in TV phone numbers, don't you? Somehow sensing Ridge had been in contact with McMullen -- again, having no clear evidence on that score -- Brooke punched the number into her own phone and split.

Brooke and Ridge do belong together -- she isn't any more subtle than he is! Amazing Ridge didn't suss out that Logan was onto him. Ridge went to work and found himself in a meeting with Bill, who sweet-talked his way into the co-CEO office by fussing about the lemon bars Pam had run out of. Though the gag went on too long, it was still amusing and appropriate.

Bill actually wanted Ridge to come over to Brooke's side so Bridge could get Katie to come over to their side and reverse the ruling. Got all that? While Ridge huffed and puffed and tried to blow Bill's house down, this little piggie Brooke went to the courtroom and tried to get the judge, who rightly said Brooke should have made an appointment, to wee wee wee all the way home.

Damn, Judge Mac put on a better poker face with Brooke than he did in a chamber full of people! Though she had nothing to substantiate McMullen being the 133 Ridge had called, Brooke got in the judge's face, crying, "You already made up your mind before you heard the testimony!" (I feel ya, Logan; there's a lot of that going around lately.) But Brooke did Stephanie proud, calling the number and making Craig's phone ring.

Brooke would have done well to get that proof before barging in and accusing a judge of being influenced instead of risking arrest herself. But it didn't matter -- McMullen was busted! He told Brooke the hearing evidence had supported his decision, and you know I agree, but Brooke wasn't havin' it. "You helped Ridge take Bill's son from him!" Brooke exclaimed! Sorry, Judge Sully -- time to call Dr. Quinn and see if she'll take you back!

What do you think, Scoopers? Will Ridge get arrested for tampering with the hearing? Is this the final, truly final, really really final nail in Bridge's coffin? Should Emma have stuck to her guns in kicking Xander to the curb? And how many of you think, especially after this week, that Kelly is actually Bill's daughter? Make your ruling in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"Hope did her own scheming. That's what soaps are about. Hope and Liam are head-on boring hypocrites. Just like other groups we know, no one can claim a moral high road anymore." -- Sharon

"I can't stand Stephanie (refuse to call her Steffy...too childish) and her 'I am woman; hear me roar!' bull! She keeps saying that she doesn't need a man to define her, but we all know that she would take Liam back in a heartbeat if he decided to dump Hope! So, does Hope being with Liam mean that she needs him to define her? Stephanie was never 'it' for Liam; otherwise, she wouldn't have had to scheme to get him! I'm glad Hope & Liam are finally together...let Stephanie find a man that is more compatible for her and is better suited to handle her fiery ways!" -- "thomascd"

"Steffy needs a man, Carter needs a woman -- Starter? Ceffy?? The smooshed name, not so much, but the couple. I think they would be hot. She would bring out a bold side of Carter...he would treasure her & her alone. May take a minute to get used to, but they should do it SLOWLY. IJS." -- "Jazzy"

I would totally be on board with Starter! Steffy needs to move on from Liam, and Carter needs a damn storyline. Let's get after it, B&B!

That's three columns in a row for me, y'all -- thanks, as always, for reading my musings. Check out the fun Hallowe'en-themed spot I made for my Bewitched books, and come follow me on Twitter. See you guys in two weeks! In the meantime, keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, now more than ever, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, orientation, or nationality, we're all beautiful.

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