Targets and missing them

Our bold and beautiful soap let fly with storyline arrows galore this week, but many of them didn't even come close to hitting the bull's-eye. Improve your aim with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you have a three-way with your boyfriend's mother? Did you invoke the name of a queen to win back your throne? Did you club your sworn enemy with a Nerf bat? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer clan this week!

Holy headscratchers, Scoopers! Does B&B have a continuity person? If not, I'm available. Seriously; I am so here. Not only are our current stories going wildly astray, but the obvious arcs that are jumping up and down, waving their arms and screaming "Me! Me!" are being completely ignored. And nowhere was that more apparent than at Spencer Publications during Bill and Liam's hugfest! Let's Scoop about it!

THE MOTHER OF ALL COLD SHOWERS

Owing to Mateo's diarrhea of the mouth (more on him later), Quinn learned that her precious Wyatt had parked his car in the driveway of one Katie Logan. Does Quinn ring the doorbell, knock on Katie's door, maybe call or send a text? Nope, she walks right through the unlocked door, marches upstairs, and catches Watie doing, ahem, PR work in Katie's bed. Quinn loves disco group Chic, 'cuz she awwwww freaked out!

There was entertainment value for days in Quinn's meltdown and Wyatt not being able to get out of bed because...reasons, but Quinn's rationale was just...well...not rational. She acted like Wyatt was sixteen and getting seduced by the babysitter; even Brooke didn't lose it that much when that actually happened with Rick and Amber. Katie was taking advantage of Wyatt, and she'd better not so much as look at him again!

I guess Quinn's got an iron grip, because Katie had welts on her wrist from getting dragged out of bed like a true Logan; Donna and Brooke would be proud. But then Quinn ran home and went off on Eric after he'd pleaded the fifth about Watie's burgeoning romance. "How could you keep this from me?" she yelled. Oh, for real? This from the woman who kept swapping spit with Ridge a secret for six months?

Then Quinn stomped about, raging about how Katie had tried to destroy her marriage and caused her so much pain. Huh? Katie had a mini-crush on Eric; calling that destroying is overkill. And yeah, Katie made Quinn serve her tea to keep her from spilling tea about Quinn and Ridge, but that's hardly pain. Even Katie's bizarre gun-pointing at Quinn doesn't merit the torture Quinn implied Katie inflicted on her.

MASSAGING THE FACTS

Let's talk about Mateo. Sure, he's nice to look at, and there's something soothing and sexy about his voice. But what is he even doing there? I keep thinking back to 2002, when Sheila got the equally hunky Lance to drug Amber and make her think she'd cheated on Rick with him. Of course, Lance went turncoat on Sheila and had a honey of a death from Sheila siccing a swarm of bees on him. Will Mateo die by massage oil?

Sheila also abandoned her plan to catch Quinn and Ridge in a provable clinch, instead deciding to put Mateo's "Oh, I'm also a masseur" convenience to good use. Quinn had thrown out her back moving a tiny chair. But not from hurling big heavy things at Sheila, eh? Mateo resisted Sheila's plot to seduce Quinn for five seconds before being seduced himself by 200,000 big ones. He now seems to be enjoying his assignment.

I guess Sheila figures she'll just skim that fee off from one of Eric's bank accounts once she becomes Mrs. Forrester again. Sheila's always been delusional, but not this delusional. Getting Quinn out of the way is zero guarantee that Eric will want to take Sheila back. Though if Sheila really wanted to cause a rift, all she'd have to do is tell Quinn about Eric kissing her during his stay at Bullet Hole Inn and Suites.

Which brings us to another point. Katie went on about how Quinn's attacks on her and Sheila mean Quinn's becoming unstable again. What a good story that would be. Forget Mateo; Sheila girl, you wanted to dig up dirt on Quinn to use against her -- why not just work to drive Quinn over the edge? One psycho against another...dude, that would be soap gold. It's right there...why doesn't B&B take it?

Finishing up with Mateo, it's so obvious he's there for the beefcake factor, and that's about it. Granted, there's a noticeable void there with Pierson Fod gone. Here's one for the No Freaking Way file: can you believe GH vet Ingo Rademacher, who is coming on as nuThorne November 27, was up for the role of Mateo? What a casting waste that would have been. I don't see this ending well for Mateo, though, no matter who plays him.

ALL HAIL THE QUEEN

Speaking of people getting played, Sheila spotted Charlie and Pam at Il Giardino and went into her rehabilitation dance with them. Which made me sad, because "I'm trying really hard to jumpstart a new life" should have been Sheila's story all along. We already know that's bullhockey, and it leaves me cold. Frankly, from what I've been reading on the Interwebs, Sheila's return has left a lot of viewers cold.

It's just bad plotting, and Kimberlin Brown deserves more. Now Sheila, who's already got Charlie by his cake balls, making him do her bidding and threatening to blab to Pam if he doesn't...is working on Pam to get her to campaign for her with Eric. There's so much off with this, starting with the fact that Pam will cram lemon bars up Charlie's butt when she finds out he's been Sheila's minion, which she never does.

There's also a disconnect in the familiarity between Pam and Sheila. Sheila was supposedly running around Genoa City with Phyllis' face around the time meek Pam and her pearls came to mama Ann's abuse-denying defense. And Sheila was either dead or AWOL when Pam was making bear bait out of Donna. So they don't know each other, and I doubt Stephanie spent much time filling li'l sis in about Sheila.

The other thing is, Pam wanted nothing to do with crazy Quinn but eagerly yapped with Sheila, who has done way worse. Sheila striking at Pam's heart by mentioning Stephanie was clever, and Pam's sad "I miss her so much!" was the best part of the week. But Pam should know Sheila trying to act like Stephanie is a common thread between them is akin to something that comes out of the back of a horse.

At least Pam figured out Sheila wants Eric back, which I loved. Yet I would have loved it more if, as Sheila was telling Pam they "knew, loved, and feared Stephanie", Sheila would have had flashbacks of trying to drown and shoot La Forrester. That would have been deliciously diabolical. I agree with Sheila that Stephanie wouldn't have approved of Quinn...and Pam's assessment that her sis wouldn't approve of Sheila, either.

SISTERS BEFORE MISTERS

How hard is it to give Rick and Maya a storyline? For that matter, how hard is it to give all characters a storyline and rotate them so their stories get equal time? Maya got a fierce new '60s hairstyle just so she could join Rick in easing Brooke's fears about Katie reacting badly to the news of Brooke divorcing Bill. Really? Why would Katie care about that? She'd probably love that Bill got some karma in getting dumped himself.

Maya prattled on about how she and her own little sister feel "much better when we talk about what we're feeling." Rich, considering Maya sent Nicole away rather than talk about how threatened she felt when Lizzy called Nicole "mama." Does anyone check these scripts before handing them out to the actors? It's just one of many boo-boos inherent in this whole Hurricane Bill storyline.

Brooke finally sat Katie down to tell her she doused Bill's fire for setting fire to Spectra, and, as I expected, Katie was totally down with it. When Katie suggested Brooke rebuild her Bridge, the oft-married Logan actually said, "I need to be alone right now." Great, except Brooke flew solo in Milan a few years ago only to merry-go-round constantly with Ridge and Bill since being back. Neither romance has any credence anymore.

JUST MY CONTRADICTION ONCE AGAIN, RUNNING AWAY WITH ME

Proving that no one in Los Angeles locks their doors, Steffy let herself into Bill's the same way Quinn let herself into Katie's. Bill was still yammering on about wanting revenge on Liam (like the saying goes, "stop squeezin' orange; get to the juice"), but Steffy wasn't havin' it. "You created all of this when you went after Spectra," Steffy sassed. "Handle it like the man I know you can be!" Dizzam, girl! Tell it, tell it, tell it!

Bill is being so stupid. Brooke leaves him for torching Spectra, but somehow it's Liam's fault. Like Brooke wouldn't have walked anyway even without Liam pushing Bill out of Spencer's CEO seat. Stooooopid. Bill came around, though, agreeing to Steffy's new no-revenge policy...until he didn't. A peaceful resolution was okay, but Liam was running out of time. And back and forth Bill went! I was getting whiplash!

Even Steffy pointed out Bill's high number of contradictions. Not that Liam didn't utter his own to the visiting Ridge, declining to tell his stepdad what Bill did, yet outright admitting Bill wanted revenge on him, but not saying why. No wonder Ridge was inquisitive. Ridge also suggested that Bill may have learned violence from Bill Spencer, Senior, adding Bill's dad "probably smacked him around a bit."

Interesting theory, but so out of line with the show's history. Ridge constantly clashed with Bill Sr. over Caroline 1.0, when there was no Bill Jr. to speak of; never mind Bill would have been an adult by then. And Bill has said he wasn't raised by his father -- a tidbit that came up when Bill surmised his dad would also exact revenge because it was "the Spencer way." I don't recall Bill Sr. acting like the gangster the Dollah has always been!

STILL-BORN

Alone with his rage, Bill thought back to Steffy's support. Later, to her face, he admitted, "I had my own reasons for championing you and Liam," which says to me he did it to keep Steffy around if he couldn't have her himself. Steffy consoled Bill, placing her hand on his leg. The Still signals have been getting sent up fast and furious over here...so where is it?

Steffy has already been disgruntled with Liam for helping Sally and launching a crusade against his father. Bill knows this. Bill can also see there's still chemistry between him and the oops-I-didn't-get-to-do-you-because-of-your-mother Steffy (at least, unlike Quinn, Taylor had a right to kibosh her kid's canoodling; it was her house). So why isn't Bill using his Stallion superpowers to get Steffy into bed?

Bill would get to live out an eight-year fantasy, plus get his revenge on Liam to boot. We were all set for some Stillness, but suddenly the story took a different direction; at least, it feels like it did. There was a clear opportunity to tap into the heat generated by Still, and I am getting the distinct impression B&B isn't tapping. The Stillers are gonna be pissed. Why does B&B always miss the best plot twists?

HACKY SACK

After growling like a bear for more than a month, Bill finally started making noise about getting Liam's recorded arson confession deleted. What took you so long? And Steffy, who was making the same noise about Ivy deleting her video of Aly dying at Steffy's hands, didn't register so much as an eyebrow twitch of recognition. Maybe we need Ivy to come and say how Bill could have committed a "merdah" to make things complete.

While Bill was swearing to Steffy he wanted his son back in his life and was willing to give peace a chance, he was apparently working on a way to get his hands on Liam's recording the whole time. Say what? And all these weeks in, nothing until the tea-loving hacker Kenny got on the J.O.B. I am crying serious foul here. As Justin noted, Liam has an I.T. background. There's no way Liam wouldn't safeguard his file.

Even though Liam had reached into his pants and found the balls to threaten Justin with a pink slip if he was still Team Bill, Justin not only got into Liam's office, he stole a flash drive with the incriminating audio file on it, then moved Liam's desk contents and wastebasket around to mess with his head. And get this: that flash drive was the only physical drive Liam backed up his recording on. Am I really supposed to believe this?

Oh, it gets better, Scoopers. We watched Liam make the recording on his phone and e-mail it to himself. Yet, Kenny the Wonder Techie managed to get "into all of [Liam's] devices" and erase every audio file from them. Granted, Kenny didn't know what he was looking for, but Liam's gonna be hopping mad to discover he has no more Bob Hope songs on his iPhone.

I'm sorry; I just don't believe someone can hack into all your devices -- and your e-mail -- and just start erasing stuff. And I sure as hell don't believe Liam didn't copy this file somewhere else, like to the Cloud. Bill was so cocky when he got past the security guard that was supposed to ban him and made a show of destroying Liam's all-important flash drive. Liam could have a thousand others just like them. Duh!

I actually find myself torqued over the idea of Bill one-upping Liam. Okay, maybe Liam did cross a line, blackmailing his father into stepping down from Spencer, but Bill committed a crime. The Dollah has had zippo compassion, and he's been ranting and raving so much, he's reminded me of an omnipresent public figure I really don't want to be reminded of. Yet Bill gets to waltz back in and reclaim his company?

WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST

Awesome as Hallmark cards are, there's a reason they've also become associated with cheesy sentiments and mawkish verses. But Bill was mailin' 'em, and it had to be seen to be believed. We'll get to that. First, Bill wasn't supposed to pounce until after Steffy failed to talk Liam down. I mean, she did fail, but Bill didn't know that. "What about all this talk of peace," Steffy groused. "You promised." Indeed.

Justin menacingly informed Liam he only had loyalty to Dollar Bill, who must have threatened the entire staff, because suddenly, no one was taking Liam's calls. Bill dared Liam to contact Lt. Baker and offered to "order a bunch of hot dogs" for him (that was funny!), since Liam no longer had proof of Bill's confession. Man, I'd have loved for Liam to make that call and produce another recording. That'd've been a twist.

With Liam looking like a whipped puppy (those balls sure shrunk fast) and Bill coming on like a Doberman with rabies, Steffy decided she'd had enough. She flamed Bill for lighting the fire of the Spencer war and Liam for fanning it. They were going to come together like the Beatles, damn it, right now, over me! And suddenly, Liam and Bill were admitting their mistakes and getting all teary-eyed. Enter cheese and mawk!

Next thing you know, Bill is asking for Liam's forgiveness and they're standing there, hugging it out! Kudos to Don Diamont for his killer performance, but I am calling hogwash right now! Of course the father and son duo has to make up eventually; it's just that this defied all logic, more so due to the contrivances that paved the way for it. So much bluster, and all we got was a busted flash drive and a moved wastebasket.

No revenge, no Still, no recording, no sense. Is it possible someone's having a dream sequence or that Bill is setting Liam up for a bigger fall by faking a reconciliation? Maybe I could live with what I saw today if either of those are the case. There was a clear story target here, and B&B missed it. A surprise make-up is not the kind of plot twist viewers want to see! And sorry, Bill still needs to go to jail. No one ever pays!

"Arsons" supposed to cave like that? Is there way too much whining about Watie? And is Sheila using firecrackers when she's got nitro glycerin in her purse? Shoot some arrows into the the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"YES Bill and Steffy are STILL The One! They belong together, always have and always will. Come on Bell, make it happen." -- Krystal

"The thought of Bill dragging Steffy by her...hair into his office sex den repulses me. But it's gonna happen. GAG." -- Daisy

"Absolutely hate the Sheila and Steffy/Bill storylines. Only takes me ten minutes to watch this thirty-minute soap." -- Patricia

"I love my #STILL finally I have been waiting for so long, and I love #WATIE. For once I'm loving more than one couple." -- "All4America1st"

B&B's got great actors and some good ideas; they just need to take better aim at the storyline targets that we can all sense are out there. It can be done. So keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, now more than ever, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, or orientation, we're all beautiful.

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.