Bill-ding blocks

Kyatt set the sheets aflame and Sheila wanted to torch Quinn's marriage. But Bill decided to make a literal video of "We Didn't Start the Fire"! Light it up with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you serve yourself for dinner? Did your bottle of painkillers have a few pills missing? Did you pull a pirate on your boy and say "Arr, son"? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Spectra clan this week!

Flame on, Scoopers! Katie and Wyatt finally got some luv, but that got overshadowed by Sheila's detail-dropped story about blackmailing James and by Bill finally crossing the red line -- or the red-hot line. Should I be surprised? This is the guy who locked heart patient Katie in a tower and plotted to push a pregnant Amber off a cliff! Is Dollar Bill Spencer more dastardly than the nefarious Sheila Carter? Let's Scoop about it!

HOME SWEET HOME

Let's back up to Sheila and Quinn's old-school catfight -- and no foolin', I almost wrote "Sheila and Lauren," so that tells you it was a nod to the old days. I thought soaps had gotten too PC to get that violent anymore. Even Eric's decades-old foyer table got smashed; talk about symbolism! Turned out Quinn was no slouch, either -- I knew her street was still in there somewhere! Hope and Steffy should have thrown down like that.

But...and you knew there'd be one...it was too much, too fast. Even with Lauren and Sheila's infamous lab fight on Y&R, there'd been enough animosity between them to justify it. Here...I'm not feelin' why Sheila and Quinn hate each other. Because Quinn kissed Ridge, and Sheila wants Eric back? To get that violent, either their anger really needed to simmer longer, or both of Eric's wives really are crazy.

So Eric comes home and is more concerned with Sheila than with Quinn? Sure, Sheila almost faced death by iPad, but Quinn's neck was red, too. Why didn't Eric notice, and why didn't Quinn say that Sheila had nearly strangled her twice? And then Eric decides to let Sheila stay on because the hunky Dr. Andrews (medic!) said Sheila had to be woken up every two hours, and Eric didn't want hospitals or cops involved.

"Home sweet home," Sheila purred. What the actual hell? Sheila never lived there! The only time Sheila came to the Forrester mansion when she was married to Eric was to give Stephanie a hard time or to have a "goodbye party" with firearm party favors. While Sheila was Mrs. Eric Forrester, they lived in their own house that came with a Harry Houdini basement dungeon. Really, B&B? Really?

THE FIRST HUSBANDS CLUB

As promised, Eric helped continue the vibe of #Bold30 by bringing in the earthquake-virginity-losing, drunken-Sheila-sexing super shrink James Warwick! Now we're getting someplace! Eric had James treat Sheila in 1994; surely James would find out if Sheila really went to prison and/or if she's really rehabilitated. "James Warwick, he's our man; if he can't do it, no one can!"

Guess the money goes on no one. First, Eric brought James in as a medical doctor. He has a background in neuro, he told us. Since when? Am I missing something from his intro in 1993? Because I'm sure he's only ever been a shrink. Then, while Sheila did mention it was "unorthodox" for James to treat her because they'd been married, we pretty well skipped over every nuance that was begging for attention in that room.

The last time James even talked to Sheila, she was running off with their daughter, Mary, after having shot Stephanie. And this never comes up after their first meeting in nineteen real-life years? Yes, Sheila thankfully mentioned Mary, but only that they "still talk." They shouldn't talk at all; Mary ran for the hills after the weirdo wannabe lesbian parting kiss her mom gave her in 2002.

The only juicy detail to come out of that was that Sheila apparently talked to Mary while she was in prison -- perhaps the closest to concrete proof that Sheila actually did time. Guess Mary's gotten over whatever gross-out she had toward Mama, because now she dishes with her about James, spilling that the 40-Year-Old Virgin had been writing himself prescriptions for the painkillers he was addicted to.

And that's all kinda cool, but it was dropped in our laps over one episode. Already Sheila's using it to blackmail her former husband into helping her snag her other former husband. I find myself resisting when I watch these scenes, not because Kimberlin Brown and Ian Buchanan don't rule but because this isn't where I wanted the story of Sheila's return to go.

Yes, I wanted her fully rehabilitated; I thought it would be more interesting, and an unexpected twist. But it's clear I ain't gettin' that. Sheila choking and blackmailing is more like the way she was when she departed in 1998. And I can't stand how they have her going from vulnerable to vicious and back again in the course of the same scene. Is that supposed to be representative of her struggle for normalcy?

I'm still in love with Sheila's 1996-1998 post-prison phase: she tried so hard to be good but just couldn't swing it. Here, she's not even making an attempt. And Brooke noticed it. How awesome is it for giggly Ms. Logan to get all forceful wanting to protect Eric? Ironically, Sheila exaggerating her concussion is out of wanting to protect Eric, too, only from Quinn; Sheila feels Quinn will make out with Ridge again, and soon.

Brooke stayed for James's second examination of Sheila; too bad it never came up that James and Brooke almost got married in 1994. Brooke was sure Sheila was "up to her old tricks" and faking, though I don't remember Sheila faking injuries during the years she was Brooke's liaison at Forrester. Brooke sensed that Sheila had James by the balls and that Eric hadn't gotten past Quidge, leaving himself open to Sheila's manipulation.

And, as it turned out, Eric was thinking of Sheila while Quinn was out running somewhere! "You have a way of taking damaged women and making them feel whole again," Brooke remarked to Eric; makes you wonder if that was also the case with Stephanie, given she was abused. "I need Eric's love to make me whole," Sheila similarly told James, which James should see is very unhealthy psychologically!

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Across town, Katie, who had (probably) inadvertently given Wyatt blue balls by kissing up on him and constantly stopping at first base, suddenly invited Son of Stallion over and strapped on a saddle. Wait, how did we get there? I thought she wanted to wait on the ugly-bumping, and next thing you know, she's sashaying out of her kitchen, wearing Victoria's secret. (Get it? Victoria? 'Cuz Heather Tom used to be Victoria on Y&R?)

So, the PR pundits wasted no time hitting the sack, and I have to say it was one of the more erotic love scenes I've seen on the show in a while. Neither Katie nor Wyatt has gotten any in a year-ish, so why not? Still wish they'd address the Will conundrum, but oh, well. Kyatt is strangely hot, and Wyatt is right: they've both lost in the game of love. And who should come not knocking but Katie's two-time heartbreaker, Dollar Bill?

Hey, great to see Bill talking about something besides that building model I'd like to crack him over the head with, but since when does he visit Will, let alone unannounced? Letting himself in with his key (maybe he has one for Will-related emergencies?), Bill found Katie lounging around in bed with only sheets as couture, not knowing that favorite son Wyatt was watching the faucet drip in the bathroom.

Bill uttered his macho version of "You go, girl!" and even wanted to meet Katie's booty call! "I can almost guarantee you're gonna like him," Katie smirked. Will he now? Speaking of Will, that poor kid's always at Aunt Donna's. But Bill was more concerned about finding a telltale Spencer Publications folder on the way out of Katie's killer pad. Wouldn't it be a trip if Bill thought Katie was sleeping with Liam?

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

Okay, kinda groovin' on the new Taylor Swift track that dropped while I was writing this column. But speaking of Taylors, her daughter is totally fine with Bill lying to Thomas that Caroline is dying as long as it keeps Thomas away from Sally. Do-gooder Liam should be throwing up while kissing Steffy instead of taking this agree-to-disagree stance. This new scheme of Bill's is especially vile. Maybe Steffy and Bill are a better match, after all! Bring it on!

That Steffy covers up heinous lies so easily should have Liam worried. She effortlessly extolled the virtues of Thomas being with his son to the questioning Brooke, Ivy (poor Ivy; what is she even doing there anymore?), and even Ridge, on whom Steffy's sun sets. Hey, Steffy also is cool burying the fact that she shot Sheila. Maybe Steffy oughta just use a tire iron on Sally and get it over with!

Never mind the fact that Caroline-is-dying shouldn't even be working. Why does Carmas have to be in NYC for this? They could hang with Douglas in L.A., too, especially if Caroline wants to keep her mother Karen from finding out she's "dying." And why can't Thomas work on a design or two for Sally? Is he really spending every waking moment with Caroline and Douglas? Even Sally had to wonder.

WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP?

Okay, so get this. Bill, whose never-ending obsession with that building has me ready to scream, lobbied for him and Brooke to live in its penthouse. Aside from Spectra Fashions being run down, it isn't in the best neighborhood in downtown Los Angeles. True, "DTLA" has been cleaned up a little over the years, but I can't imagine Bill expecting Beverly Hills Brooke to hobnob with druggies and transients.

You'd also think Bill would hide his devious plans from Brooke, but she was standing right there as Justin had Jarrett explain the difference between slander and libel and as Bill ordered Jarrett and Liam to compose another career-ruining review of Spectra. Is Brooke okay with all this? Brooke's always led with her heart (though it's a foot or so lower), so seeing her coo over Bill being a schemer does not ring true to me. At all.

GONNA DRESS YOU UP IN MY LOVE

Over at Spectra, the gang finally got a clue that Sally's own designs could stand on their own and that they weren't dependent on Thomas to succeed. They decided to have another exclusive preview for Jarrett; this time Liam was in tow to make sure Jarrett judged the designs fairly and didn't give in to Bill's dark magic. Except Liam is Jarrett's editor. How can that be when Liam was VP of Spencer Publications at one time?

And wouldn't you know, Sally's latest work had Thomas' glam but with her own Sally twists! I'm glad they didn't have Sally assimilate Thomas' style completely, because that would have sucked. Even Sally's original designs in February were bold and unique. "This I love," Jarrett gushed, and Liam was hard pressed to disagree. Liam reassured Sally et al that Jarrett's review would be fair, to the delight of all involved.

Suddenly, a fire broke out from a defective electrical socket! And somehow, Liam ended up being the hero, even though Sally or Saul or even Darlita could have grabbed the same fire extinguisher and gotten the job done. Sally and Liam shared a post-blaze spark of their own -- are we laying the groundwork for a Lally coupling with Thomas gone and Steffy's lie complicity weighing on Steam?

Bill was furious to hear Liam and Jarrett's consensus was that Sally's designs had spark; their laughter caused Bill to snark that it was "an inside joke between you lovebirds." Does Bill remember Jarrett is gay? If he does, it's kind of an uncomfortable put-down. Bill was really horrible to Liam overall. I hope Liam does spill about Caroline and get disowned; then he can set about getting revenge. That would be fun.

Bill then shifted gears, telling Liam that if Sally's work was that good and Spectra thrived because of it, Bill would back off. Liam smelled a rat right away, wanting to believe his pop but not really doing so. No wonder; Bill's not the best actor when he tries to be Mr. Nice Guy (and I mean Bill, not Don Diamont, who's kick-ass). Everyone knows Bill would do anything for his building, and that apparently really does mean anything.

COME-A, COME-A, COME-A ,COME-A, COME COME/YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

For some reason, the Spectra gang called a handyman to fix their popped plug, not an electrician. Well, turn up your James Taylor LP, because Ralph Malph from Happy Days walked in and said, "I'm your handyman!" It was trippy seeing Don Most so many years after that show, but his worker character probably gets crap Yelp reviews. All he said was turn everything off until Spectra could get a real electrician. Ayyyy.

Bill decided he wanted a handyman to repair Liam's mouth, demanding of his henchman, "Does your son talk to you like that, Justin?" Wow, nice to make mention of Marcus! Wonder how he, Dayzee, and Rosie are doing in South Africa? But you know it's bad when even bootlicker Justin tells the big bad Dollah he should just build Sky somewhere else.

WHOA OH OH, I'M ON FIRE

It was already the night before Spectra's big showing, because the former knockoff shop also copied Forrester's annoying habit of scheduling these events overnight, which they never used to do. Thomas, whom New York has been very good to (dang!), called to wish Sally well, but she wasn't thrilled to learn he wouldn't fly to L.A. for the show. I'd have scoffed, too; he didn't even say, "I love you." Turd. Hot, but a turd.

Steffy conceded that Spectra's work had improved, but "they're never gonna be on Forrester's level." Nor should they be! Why is Forrester the only fashion benchmark that counts? Each house should have its own style, and what's so great about megabuck dresses you can only wear once, anyway? Refreshing to see Steffy doing something company-related again, though, considering how much she's been hovering around Bill.

Steffy is spot-on about one thing: Bill doesn't like to lose. That's the only reason he refuses to let go of this building that everyone else is rolling their eyes at. He doesn't even care as much about Sky as he does the fact that he can't conquer Spectra Fashions. It's kind of pathetic, really. If Bill were to shape his trademark beard into a mustache, he'd be twirling it. Now he's willing to commit crimes to achieve his goal.

Justin needs to see if he can find Dr. Maponya, the doctor he kissed while married to Donna, because he's coming down with a bad case of schizophrenia. He agrees with Liam that Bill only cares about his building, not Caroline or Thomas, then is the one to suggest that Bill take advantage of the electrical fire at Spectra by causing another one. He even helped Bill dig up dirt on the old battleship!

Bill rubbed his hands together upon learning that C.J. hadn't kept up Spectra's insurance policy. Why would C.J. be so irresponsible? Yeah, he was about ready to sell his mom's shop to Bill and pocket an extra $5 mil, but when he again opted to give Sally a chance, you'd think he wouldn't have let that policy lapse. A little convenient, isn't it? Like Bill not wanting the land while it stood vacant for years and years and years.

Also convenient was the not-so-subtle foreshadowing on the part of Shirley. Spectra was going to be ablaze! The hottest ticket in town! I know that's supposed to be clever, but it's just too on-the-nose. Then Shirley said they were having the biggest fashion show in Spectra history! Did she see the Grand Diva or the AFI Tribute shows in '94? Or even the Forrester/Spectra joint fashion show on the Queen Mary in '89? Girl, please.

With everything hanging on what was on Sally's hangers, she took the gang out to dinner, including Coco, who you'd think would be considered a security risk because she works at Forrester. All of a sudden, Bill got a mysterious text message: "Done." And the socket responsible for the first fire went for a stronger sequel, shooting flames through our beloved Spectra office, where the Original Sally and Queen Stephanie once dueled!

I have to tell ya...I was getting a little verklempt watching flames erupting around photos of Darlene Conley and Michael Fox, even Bobbie Eakes. A lot of history in that room. Is this meant to wrap up that era and move nuSally into digs of her own? And is Bill really guilty of arson, or is he innocent and that plug just caught fire by itself? Because if he is guilty, I need to see him go to jail. For once. How novel would that be?

So whaddaya think? Is Sheila's fire fizzling, or does it just need to be stoked? Is Kyatt hot or impossible to light? And is Bill finally gonna burn this time? Strike a match in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"Seriously hire [Mike] to be head writer please!!!!" -- "Sam the Mailman"

"Don't get me wrong, the evil Sheila is fun to watch but I'd love to see her reformed and be a long time cast member on the show." -- Kendall

"Why would anyone want a reformed Sheila? That would be no fun. I get so tired of viewers who always want to get rid of the villains. Without them there would be no story...give me more crazy, wicked Sheila!" -- David

"I am really astounded at how much chemistry Katie/Wyatt have -- I certainly never saw it before but Wyatt seems to have a new, mature swagger about him now that he is not moping over Steffy. I think they could be fantastic together." -- Eileen

"...[Sheila] was last seen with Michelle Stafford portraying [her] with Phyllis's face and being SHOT DEAD by Lauren. SO.........just HOW and WHEN did Sheila get her face back? Writers need to address that!!!!!" -- Susan

That's what I'm sayin', y'all! But nobody listens to me. LOL

The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water, just keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, now more than ever, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, or orientation, we're all beautiful.

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