Fashion to die for

The death of Eric and Ridge's relationship? Sally and Steffy ready to kill it in Monte Carlo? That's nada compared to Bill pulling a Cabo by telling Thomas that Caroline is dying! Bucket list it with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did your after school special get a sequel? Was your adopted dad more Italian than your biodad? Did you decide you would, like, totally die to get your ex back? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Spectra clan this week!

Holy Emmy reels, Scoopers! Thorsten Kaye may have turned in his finest B&B performance (and delivered Ridge's best continuity: "Tell them I don't look that great in a bathing suit anymore"). And John McCook never disappoints. But there are flaws in the Eric/Ridge split like there were in the garment Saul boxed. We got a lecture, though school is still out. And never let Bill buy stock in match.com. Let's Scoop about it!

YOU DIALED THE WRONG NUMBER

Ever go into the kitchen for something and then forget what it was? That's what I feel is happening with the Summer of Sheila. I'm still tickled as a pig in you-know-what that Kimberlin Brown is back, but I wanted to see more in Sheila's return than her hovering around Eric, waxing nostalgic about their marriage that's been over for 22 real-time years. (That's at least 50 or 60 in soap years.)

If Sheila's going to be rehabilitated, I want to see that journey. Let her volunteer at Dayzee's, helping the homeless, or have her work with mentally troubled teenagers. More so -- and I know I keep saying it -- let's see Sheila with her parole officer or have someone look into whether she was actually in prison instead of making us take her word for it. "The new Sheila" has so much potential. Let's not spoil it barely two months in.

And then there's Eric. When Sheila approached him for that fateful gunshot reconciliation in 2002, he told her to go straight to hell. Why has that changed now? Because he's older, and he already gave Quinn a pass for doing things not that different from Sheila? Is it because Sheila took a bullet for him -- sorta? That whole Gunslinger Steffy thing was so silly. Or at least, the wrap-up of it was.

Chanel was right last week: Steffy always gets away with causing bodily injury, and who the hell was in do-gooder Liam's body, lying to hotel security because the story didn't even merit real cops? Maybe Sheila letting Steffy off the hook for popping a karma cap in her was a demonstration of the new leaf Sheila's turned over. But it's true: Deacon went to jail for shooting at Quinn while Steffy goes free for actually shooting someone.

And what's supposed to happen now that Eric's literally staying at a hole in the wall? He checks out and charges a bullet hole to the room along with the chips and soda? He sends Liam to Home Depot for some spackle and computer-matched paint? It seemed like Steffy shooting Sheila was just done for shock value and to give the audience some silent sense that Sheila got a little payback, but the wall had better fallout than the story.

ANY KISS YOU CAN KISS, I CAN KISS BETTER

The Eric/Ridge beef is tasty, but it's not cooked enough. Both Sheila and Steffy have done a lot of huffing over "your father's wife!" and "your husband's son!" Never mind that Brooke has them all beat in this category; let's talk about her. Ridge and Quinn kissed four or five times, unless I'm remembering wrong. Ridge shagged Brooke on the floor of the Forrester lab on video while Brooke was married to Eric. Which is worse?

All right, the lab boink only happened because Stephanie forged a letter that made Bridge think they had the green light. And what about Stephanie? Twenty years ago, she was standing at an altar with Eric, ready to remarry him, when oops -- a picture fell out of the minister's Bible of Eric and Lauren doing very NC-17 things. What did Eric say when Stephanie took him into another room to confront him? He'd made a mistake!

That's right, Scoopers -- Quinn is using the exact same script Eric used in 1997. And Quinn's got the clean version: she only kissed Ridge, while Eric had sex with Lauren! After he proposed remarriage to Stephanie! So how dare Eric play high and mighty with Quinn, who certainly was in the wrong but is far more innocent than he is? Yeah, good ol' YouTube; B&B oughta try looking at their old episodes once in a while.

Besides, as Ridge pointed out, this Spencer Summit is the one-year anniversary of Queric going public. I could see Quinn thinking of Eric as the great love of her life (though Deacon would think otherwise), but I have a hard time believing Quinn rates that high in Eric's wedding album. Hell, he was married to Sheila twice as long as Quinn, and he was Mr. Stephanie for going on four decades!

And y'all know my girl Sheila will rationalize anything to back up her viewpoints and desires, but she's getting on my nerves, talking about how immoral Ridge and Quinn have been. Anyone remember when Eric and Sheila's marriage was tanking in 1994 and she slept with lawyer Connor Davis (who I still say is Caroline's father) to ensure she got pregnant, only to find out Eric had had a vasectomy? Uh-huh, Sheila. Worse.

Let's just write Quinn going to the Dark Side and Sheila having to save everyone from her. Rehabilitation confirmed, Quidge mess over. Their six months almost feels longer than that real-life six months. By the way, what happened to Sheila trying to extort money out of Charlie for her silence in regard to Pam? Was that bit of Old Sheila just a momentary lapse, or was there a momentary lapse in the writing room?

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU AN OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE

Eric picked a helluva time to become the Mooch. Either that, or he's been binge-watching The Sopranos or the Godfather trilogy in the few moments Sheila leaves him alone. (Seriously, enough of the sudden longing looks, the same conversations, the hand contact, and that damn trilly piano cue every time these happen.)

Let me backtrack. Steffy promised she wouldn't tell anyone where Eric was staying. But Steffy folded the minute Ridge played the Sheila card. I wish these wronged characters would actually say what Sheila did. "Steffy, Sheila kidnapped me in South America, and I ended up fake dying in a furnace, and Brooke had grief sex with Nick, and everyone thought R.J. was his -- you've got to tell me where Eric is!"

How come Liam was the only one who thought to trace Eric's phone? Maybe Ridge isn't computer savvy, but Quinn figured out how to break into Liam's email and forward a Steffy tribute video to Hope. Quinn is so off her game. Another thing: Ridge announced to Eric that he'd "moved off the property." Where? Note to B&B: stop making characters move every two months. You never used to do that. Don't do it now.

Ridge wanted to get real with Eric, man-to-man, yet somehow made no move to kick Sheila out of the room. Ridge said their problems stemmed from their own relationship, not from Ridge's flirtation with Quinn. "You knew before I was born that I'm a bastard," Ridge truth-or-dared. Whaaaaaat? I'm gonna use all caps here even though I know it's Internet rude, so bear with me. NO. HE. DIDN'T!

Not even Stephanie knew for sure that Ridge was Massimo's until late 2001, early 2002. La Forrester might have kept quiet about her fling with Mass, but Eric believed Ridge was his, raised him into adulthood, and saw Ridge through his first several marriages before that Marone bomb dropped. What's with the retcon? That's a total slap in the face to #Bold30. No dessert for you! Boo!

Ridge said Eric had been his first adversary and that there was something in Eric that made him better than Ridge. Okay, I'll go there. But things went askew when Ridge suggested he'd pursued Quinn to get back at Eric for making Ridge co-CEO under Steffy. No, go ask Liam: Ridge pursued Quinn to prove that Quinn was untrustworthy, but she saw through the scam. It had nothing to do with competition with Eric, or Steffy.

Eric agreed with Ridge's contention that he had acted out against Eric "because [he] could." Eric made it sound like he knew Ridge wasn't his by recalling how surprised he was that Ridge could draw. He made it sound like Thorne, Kristen, and Felicia knew Ridge wasn't a Forrester because of all the attention they lavished on him to compensate. And then Eric broke the biggest B&B rule of all.

"You took your mother from me," Eric moaned. Hello, Eric, were you in that marriage? If anything, Ridge's sense of entitlement comes because Stephanie made Ridge the favorite! Everyone knows that! Thorne and Kristen resented Ma Forrester for years because of it. Taylor got bitch-slapped by Stephanie when she called her out on having an unnatural attachment to Ridge! And now that's Ridge's fault?

Such a great scene, but with so much rewritten history that I couldn't fully enjoy it. Eric kissed Ridge on the forehead and said he loved being Ridge's father, but Ridge would never be his son again. (Didn't Katie do something similar when she bye-byed Brooke?) I've never seen Thorsten Kaye weep as Ridge before. Even Sheila burst into tears! I just hope Ridge doesn't end up finding a horse's head in his bed.

MY BOYFRIEND'S DEAD, AND YOU'RE GONNA BE IN TROUBLE

Hey la, hey la, the texting cautionary tale is back! As I said in my last column, it's important, because haven't we all fooled with our phones behind the wheel? I confess; I have. And, like Brooke said, it only takes three seconds to lose control of your car. So B&B's heart is in the right place. I'm just wondering why we're getting into this again three whole weeks after it was already pretty much settled.

Brooke told R.J. and Coco that becoming roadkill was worse than paying a fine. Who paid the fine? R.J. was a passenger, so it had to be Coco -- except interns are generally unpaid. Where did Coco get the money, from grandma Shirley, who still doesn't know baby girl nearly wrapped herself around a tree? And wouldn't Coco be liable for the damage to Ridge's car? I grazed a bumper once, and I still had to fork out $200.

Mama Logan was right that you wouldn't play a video game or watch TV while driving. But then she gave an unexpected example. She'd had a musician boyfriend in high school who fiddled with the radio dial (how analog) and died in an accident, looking for his single! Whoa, really? It's true we don't know Brooke's romantic history before the show started in 1987; she was in college then, so anything's up for grabs.

But if Brooke went through something as traumatic as a boyfriend dying as a teen, wouldn't it have come up before now? Wouldn't Brooke have been more leery about distracted driving from the start? Why didn't Brooke have this talk when Rick crashed his car in 2015? Wasn't Bridget in an accident at some point? Brooke's story does emphasize her point, but it rather opens up a hole in the space-time continuum.

If Brooke really wanted to drill her message into the kiddies' heads, it's too bad she didn't tell them how she and Macy had crashed into a tanker truck because Macy wasn't paying attention behind the wheel. "Even I don't text and drive," Bill bragged. No, but Dollah has no problem drinking and driving -- which caused another accident Brooke was in. Good lesson, but there was plenty of actual history to draw from for it.

I'M DYING TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU

Linsey Godfrey is awesome, and it's nice to see her grace our screens again, but I am not feelin' Caroline 2017. She's still in love with Thomas and wants him back. What, from their brief coupling in 2012, which means her heart wasn't in the two marriages she's had since? Or from their brief not-saying-no-doesn't-mean-yes romp that didn't even result in a relationship? Someone get a calculator for me, 'cuz this doesn't add up.

Caroline was intrigued when Uncle Bill said he could help pluck that leech Sally off of Thomas. Because that worked so well when Bill tried to get Maya thrown in jail to clear the way with Rick for Caroline. The social media darling got further on her own, turning tepid web series Room 8 into almost-porn. No, if Caroline really wants assistance, she should talk to Steffy, who's into shooting people these days.

Bill's bag of tricks must be about as big as that money pouch he cushioned himself with when he fake hari-kari'd himself to manipulate Liam into forgiving him. Trying to figure out a way to push Thomas back to Caroline, Bill got a great idea. I know a lot of us are wishing it was still 2012 these days, but Bill fulfilled that wish -- he told Thomas that Caroline was dying!

Is this all Bill does? Steffy should have seen this coming when he hinted he'd do everything he could to liberate Thomas. Just five years ago, in Cabo San Lucas, Bill told Liam that Steffy had a life-threatening blood clot in her brain and faked an MRI to "prove" it so Liam wouldn't leave Steffy for Hope. Steffy went along with it, and it bit her in the ass. Surely Caroline wouldn't follow in her newfound BFF's high-heeled footsteps.

Caroline was insistent that Thomas would have to want to come back to her and Douglas of his own accord. So she was rightfully horrified when Bill gleefully told his niece what a good job he'd done convincing Douglas' dad that mommy was about to become Angel Mommy. Caroline better be careful. Last time she went against one of Bill's schemes, she ended up doing a backflip over a balcony.

When Thomas showed up, Caroline tried to squeeze out of the coffin Bill was closing on her. But then Caroline found herself crushed against the mourning Thomas' rock-hard pecs, and all that went out the window. How does Bill think this is going to work? Thomas goes back to Caroline and stays with her, anyway, after he learns she really isn't dying? Because when Caroline doesn't kick off, Thomas is going to figure it out.

Sally may be well out of it. Hit with the news that the woman he shared wine, antianxiety meds, and a child with was not long for this world, Thomas decided he wanted to spend every waking moment with Caroline and Douglas. Where does that leave Sally? "Yeah, I still love her!" Thomas cried to Bill about his niece. Love her as in "I'll always love the mother of my child" or love her as in "Sally, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit"?

This makes no sense considering how gaga Thomas has been over Sally. Unless he hasn't been at all. Caroline at least correctly stated that Douglas "wasn't made out of love" and that she was married when Douglas was conceived. Thomas wanted to ditch the Forrester/Spectra fashion duel as if Sally wouldn't have wondered what happened to him, but Caroline nudged him toward Monte Carlo anyway.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

Well, Shirley Spectra was pissed at Dollar Bill Spencer. "Just what gives him the right to meddle in your life?" she well-I-declared. Nobody was gonna do that to Sally Girl and her Tom of Forrester! If my TV wasn't so expensive, I'd have thrown something at it. Fortunately, Sally made that unnecessary. "I thought you were convinced I was doomed to lose [Thomas] to his high society baby mama?" nuSally reminded Grams.

About damn time that came up. Shirley was going for lifetime miles on Hypocrite Airlines, gushing about Thomas when she was the first one to try taking him from Sally. "I'm big enough to admit I was wrong," Shirley said with a shrug. See how one sentence can keep continuity humming? Now if we can just do something about Saul and his stale jealousy of Thomas. He should be jealous of Sally. You know Saul wants Mr. Abs!

One thing Shirley was right about is that splash is Spectra's style. Even when the O.S. (Original Sally) attempted couture, it was always with the underdog's signature flair. Now, Thomas is making Spectra's output classic and chic, basically stripping them of their identity. How about classic and chic with a dash of splash just to keep the Spectra stamp on it? I'm not comfortable with Thomas remaking Spectra in Forrester's image.

Meanwhile, Katie continued working on the Spencer Summit showing with Wyatt, and there were definitely some sparks going off there. Hmm, what to think? Finally a woman who hasn't already been with Liam -- just with Liam's father. His own father. Which would mean half-brother Will would end up being his stepson. Do I have that right? Yet I'm liking Kyatt anyway. Wyatt be lookin' good these days. I'm just sayin'.

Wyatt suggested making the women's bathing suits transparent in water; Katie suggested doing it to the men's swim trunks instead. Was she remembering when eventual killer Anthony Armando designed see-through bikinis for Macy and Karen, who switched clear swimwear with Anthony and Connor? (There's Caroline's dad again.) Seems it was a big week for 1994 references!

FLY THE FRIENDLESS SKIES

Bill called all his Spencer jet passengers together to toast the fashion duel's contribution to charity. Charities. What charities? He left that open the way he did Caroline's no-name autoimmune disease. And while at least #DrunkBrooke and #DrunkKatie had water, it seemed odd that Brill/Batie was all happy together. The melting permafrost couldn't put enough water under that bridge.

Then Bill decided to use the celebratory moment to bring up Douglas and needle Thomas about going back to Caroline -- in code, of course. Not surprisingly, Thomas didn't tell Sally about Caroline's "death sentence," yet he was as bubbly as Bill's Champagne for a guy who thought his son was soon going to be without a mother. And this brings us back to Douglas learning his first three letters: D, N, A.

Despite Ridge now shooting blanks from his women-want-me gun, it is still entirely possible Douglas could be Ridge's. No one ever did a DNA test on the boy. Wouldn't Bill drop a brick as big as his stupid building model if Ridge turned out to be Douglas' dad? Bill's entire anti-Sally maneuver would be for absolutely nothing. That would be funnier than Wyatt saying Bill reserves dropping people into the Atlantic for Ridge!

What do you think of a possible Wyatt/Katie pairing? Should Eric have written Ridge off? Is Sheila wasting her time in Eric's orbit? And do you think Thomas should leave Sally for the "dying" Caroline? Come back to life in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"Enough with the would be rapist garbage! [Thomas and Caroline] were both under the influence! How come Caroline being drunk, self medicated, and dumb means she can't make decisions but drunk Thomas is held to a different standard?" -- Danielle

"I want to see Eric throw Quinn's clothes on the lawn and set them on fire. I want to see Ridge's clothes set on fire on the lawn next to hers. I want Eric to take out an ad saying 'Not responsible for her bills and HE'S fired.' Heck, I want Eric to do it in Bill's magazine!" -- "evave2"

Mike's "I Get It" Meter: 6. (That's six times someone said "I get it" on the show this week. They're really stuck on that phrase lately. Time for a new one!)

I hear rumor rumblings that Maya and Zende are going to be in close quarters pretty soon. Should Nicole sharpen her fingernails? I mean, it's not like Zende can go to Maya for a baby, because reasons. I'm sure we're being set up to think Mende (Zaya?) is going to cheat when they're probably just going to get her something from the Cheesecake Factory to make her feel better!

Chanel will take you into August, and I'll Scoop for you again the weekend of August 12-13. We're goin' back to Monte Carlo, so keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, now more than ever, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, or orientation, we're all beautiful.

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