All fired up

Thomas got a pink slip for saving his redhead while Brooke played coin toss with her grooms. Light it up with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did your Clear Blue Easy leave you blue? Did you live through the end of a Celebrity Apprentice episode? Did you "eeny meeny miney moe" your "I do's"? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant-Spectra clan this week!

Yo yo yo, Scoopers! Apparently the real-life soap that's been playing out pushed B&B back a day, though you wouldn't know from the way certain nuptials ended the week. More romantic than that was Team Tally, even if Thomas got his ass handed to him over it. But back to Brooke, who celebrated her thirteenth completed wedding with the new angle of pin-the-tail-on-the-groom. It's May sweeps. Let's Scoop about it!

JUST ADD WATERCOLORS

Okay, did I miss something? One minute the I've-never-designed-before Zende is again trying to pimp out his work to Ridge and Steffy, and the next, he walks into an office with Coco and Nicole, ecstatic he'd been given a chance? Huh? Mr. Forrester-Dominguez gets the biggest chance of his life off-screen? What was up with that? I honestly thought my DVR skipped an episode.

If Thomas felt slighted over Steffy becoming CEO, imagine how he'll feel when he finds out his adopted cousin got a crack at designing instantly while he had to prove himself at Spectra first. Speaking of, Coco demurely stood aside as Zende presented his latest to Nicole, saying, "Don't think that I didn't inspect my jewelry." Actually, there were a lot of sharp lines this week. Didn't make Zende's upward mobility believable, though.

I'M GONNA KEEP MY BABY, OOH, OH

Still, it's refreshing to see Zende doing something else besides worrying about Nicole's uterus. Oh, did I say that? Now Nicole's baby-on-board, too, because the newlyweds, who haven't been married three months, are all fired up to conceive the natural way; Julius must be thrilled. I guess that's par for the course for a couple who exchanged vows after having more breakups than dates.

Nicole just couldn't wait to pop out her own shorty, so she ran to Forrester's public bathroom to take a home pregnancy test. Ironically, just a year ago, Nicole and Maya were giving Sasha a First Response kit to see if Zende fertilized her. Hopefully Nicole didn't ape her missing half-sis and dip the stick in the toilet. Where is Sasha, anyway? Spending her time caddying for Julius?

So, Nicole sulked into the room, brandishing her minus sign. But why go for a reboot when you have the original right there? Yes, Zende and Nicole were suddenly babysitting little Lizzy...at work. Did Ridge task Zende with producing Forrester Creations' first line of baby couture? Nicole also seemed in no hurry to cross off her office to-do list, finally given the chance to gush over her daughter/niece.

You see where this is going, right? At least, I hope it does. If spoilers are accurate, Nicole's reproductive system will end up being one use only. How I hope it's true! Nicole carried Lizzy for nine (ahem, six) months, yet handed the babe over to Maya with zero maternal yearnings, which should have been the story the whole time. Yeah, all right, so I'm biased, remembering Dynasty's surrogate mother battle from 1988.

B&B hardly ever goes to court -- I think the last time was Brooke and Taylor tussling over the long-gone Jack Marone in 2007. I need to see Nicole realizing she gave the only child she can ever have to her sister and dragging her into an ugly, drawn-out custody case. Oh, how juicy that would be. Of course, our soap rather lacks for juice anymore, but can we just watch the Avant sisters throw down in court? Please?

SON-SET

Meanwhile, Ridge decided he was definitely Team Coco. Must have been the youngest Spectra's Madonna hair bow from 1985. No sooner had R.J. spirited Coco away for the date they still haven't had when Bill burst in to declare that "Tommy showed up with his big-boy checkbook in his lunchbox!" Like I said, lots of great lines this week. But Ridge and Steffy were furious that Thomas saved Spectra with Forrester money!

Wait, back up. I highly doubt Thomas went to Forrester's accounting department, absconded with a company check, and John Hancocked it for Sally. Doesn't Thomas have his own money? Surely he's banked well over the $100 grand he gave Sally between his work at Spectra, the Forrester Men's Line, Taboo, and his more recent designs. Ridge and Steffy acted like Thomas embezzled from the company.

Sally was decidedly happy to spend the evening at Thomas' messy loft instead of the jail cell she thought she was headed for. "You should see my place," Sally pardoned. Well, at least now we know she actually lives somewhere! I thought she slept under the desk at Spectra. But Thomas didn't need to turn his thermostat up because I could feel the heat between them emanating from my screen. Mah smellin' salts, please!

And if I wasn't in love with Tally before, their hilarious impressions of Bill sealed the deal. Pierson Fod is just rocking it lately. Yes, I'm crushing on him, but he's just bringing a warmth and charm and humor that I don't know I've ever seen from Thomas. No wonder Sally is falling all over him. Tally's yet another of B&B's underdeveloped couples, but these two I can forgive. I can't get enough of 'em!

Ridge didn't feel that way, though, having built up a head of steam by the time he got to Thomas'. He ordered Sally out and called his son a spoiled brat, apparently not remembering he was covering that territory when neon and acid wash jeans were in fashion. Sally left, unwilling to come between Thomas and his father, which left the stage open for a boffo confrontation between Thorsten Kaye and Fod.

Kaye seemed the most Ridge-like in that moment than in any other in his entire three-and-a-half-year run so far. "Her family steals from us and you pay her to do it!" Ridge growled, but Thomas wasn't having it. Instead of popping his pop like the time they argued over Thomas schtupping the models, Thomas let Ridge know how underappreciated he felt, recalling how Thorne had also been done out of the CEO position he'd wanted.

Gah, why isn't legacy character Thorne front and center where he should be? But I digress. Thomas also reminded his dad that Felicia and Kristen had wanted to lead the company, too. When did they want to do that? Felicia's claim to fame was designing environmental-themed atrocities for Spectra while Kristen only contributed to Forrester for a couple of years. Nice to have these long-missing Forresters mentioned, though.

Ridge wanted Thomas to take back his six-digit infusion and ditch Sally. Thomas refused. So, faster than you could say "James Comey," Thomas found himself jobless before having his story dropped the rest of the week. How much you wanna bet Thomas joins the Spectra team? If Tally are makin' the kind of music they're makin' when they haven't even been to bed yet, just picture how smokin' their collaborations will be!

KRYSTLE, MEET ALEXIS

Steffy, who had an unprecedented scene with Charlie (nice to see some different duos once in a while), didn't know how to feel when Sally got past security to beg Steffy's help with Ridge. Steffy was glad Sally wasn't doing a collection in prison orange but responded to Sally's request for friendship with a demand to rip up Thomas' check and get out of his life while she was at it.

It took Stephanie and the original Sally fourteen real-time years to forge a friendship; three months might be too soon for the new breed. But Steffy's belligerence made Sally's claws creep out. "Don't you declare war on me, Steffy," Sally warned. "You do not want to do that." Meow! Steffy's really needed an adversary that wasn't a romantic rival like Hope and Ivy. Yet, I like that Steffy and Sally are kind of becoming frenemies.

THE CITY OF BROTHERLY SNARK

Neither Liam nor Wyatt has stories right now, but if that means we get to keep watching the Spencer bros sass the Dollah seven ways to Sunday, may they never have stories! When Bill crowed that Brooke was about to make him an honest man, Wyatt piped up, "Honest man? That's impossible; even she can't do that!" Maybe Liam's got Wyatt watching his Bob Hope movies, because this comic duo can't be beat!

Even the usually stoic Justin was getting in on the act. Dollah Bill, getting it from all sides. Somehow the taunting brought out some of Bill's best zingers, too. Dissing Liam for exposing his having written Jarrett's all-important scathing review of Spectra, Bill hissed, "I'm not gonna sit and debate this with the king of all hall monitors!" Kudos to the writers. They really delivered some sparkling dialogue this week.

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE...

And there Quinn, Ivy, and Katie were, sitting at Forrester, designing jewelry together. Hold up. Katie was designing jewelry? At least she admitted she was a noob, but Quinn's warden must have taken the same instant-career correspondence course that Zende did. And poor Ivy...her only story is questioning Quinn about her feelings for Ridge. How about setting the saucy Aussie up with Carter? Or C.J.?

Hearing that Bill had taken a page out of Brooke's playbook and arranged an instant wedding, Quinn tried to plead Ridge's case to La Logan. From this, we learned that Ridge is now living in the Forrester guesthouse. Where has he been living the past several months? Oh, well, Brooke wanted to know how Quinn was living, asking Ridge's kissing buddy what she would do when faced with two anxious grooms.

I still don't get it. Ridge totally forgave Brooke for mask-boinking Oliver, but Brooke can't forgive Ridge for kissing Quinn. She's acting like Hope did when she was so grossed out by her mother doing her boyfriend that she recreated her scene-of-the-crime graduation party. Come on, Brooke, get over it. You've done way worse. So has Ridge, for that matter. You're two peas in a playfully promiscuous pod.

"SURELY WHOEVER SPEAKS TO ME IN THE RIGHT VOICE...

...him or her I shall follow." That's Walt Whitman, y'all, and it perfectly personifies Brooke. She's a dyed-in-the-wool romantic. She's a sucker for weddings. She'd probably march down the aisle if Charlie asked her. Look at how she swooned over Thomas keeping Sally from financial and legal ruin. Of course, that's a little creepy when you recall Brooke had CGI'd maybe-sex with Thomas on Berry Island.

Brooke decided she'd marry Bill that day, period. Until Ridge came in saying all the right words to his once and former destiny. Damn, Brooke, if you're wavering on your wedding day, it probably shouldn't be your wedding day. Brooke does not love Bill. He's a placeholder for Ridge, just like Nick was. Bill does not love Brooke. She's a conquest; he's lusted after her since looking down her blouse during that 2012 dinner with Katie and Ridge.

Despite the Brill wedding on Brooke's calendar, Ridge told his Logan he'd go home and wait for her, and they'd themselves get married after her arrival. Really pretty silly until you consider Brooke has never been on this particular marry-go-round before. Which groom would she choose? The episode-ending cliffhanger with both Ridge and Bill eyeing opening doors was more suspenseful than I expected.

R.J. knew his mom still loved Ridge, and so did Katie, who inexplicably helped her sister get ready to marry her ex-husband. Who'da figured on that a year ago, #DrunkKatie? Just as I wondered where the hell Donna was, Brooke fielded a call from the middle Logan sis, and we were told she's still hanging out in Dallas with papa Stephen. We don't know what ailment he's recovering from, but I was glad that blank was filled.

DOOR NUMBER TWO OR DOOR NUMBER THREE?

Bill decided he and Brooke would live in the same house he did with Katie (cozy), further going caveman by not letting Brooke make any choices for her own wedding. Bill even had the helicopter-flying Justin get certified to perform weddings! What, Carter wasn't available? I'm starting to think that the only thing B&B can come up with for men of color to do is to perform weddings. Zende better watch out.

Well, when Friday's episode picked up, two doors opened so slowly that I thought I was going to hear Vincent Price's voice from Thriller. No funk of forty thousand years, just Brooke on Bill's doorstep...and Quinn on Ridge's. The dressmaker was so butt hurt over losing Brooke that he called himself "an insecure man who needs every woman to love him" and actually got teary. Moss or Kaye, you rarely see Ridge cry!

Quinn, who couldn't decide if she wanted to encourage Brill's wedding or discourage it, launched into some diatribe about how Ridge just needed the right woman who would understand his flaws. Holy Hannah, are we still hinting at an actual Quidge coupling? And how long are we going to drag out the reveal of their stolen kisses to Eric? This is not like Bridget's paternity, or even Ridge's. Let's just git 'er done already.

Brooke showed up at the Spencer manse with a breathtaking wedding dress but without her sister, who was okay ditching the ceremony she helped Brooke prepare for. Then, at the altar, Justin thanked Brooke on behalf of Spencer Publications! Made me feel like we'll have to call Brooke "Melania." But now we know why Zende and Nicole were allowed to sit for Lizzy. Their parents were at Bill's wedding!

Seriously? "I wish you all the best," Maya gushed, "even though you tried to send me to prison and outed me to the world as transgender in your sleazy magazines." Rick laughed, "Hey, Bill, remember that time I locked you in a fake jail cell for tormenting Maya? Man, how times have changed." Sorry, I know Rick and Maya need screen time, but they totally did not belong at this wedding.

The only nice thing to come out of it was Rick's admission that he didn't always understand Brooke's infamous heart-following, but he'd come to realize "how courageous an act that is." Jacob Young brought such wonderful vulnerability to his often gruff character. As much as Scott Clifton did humor when Liam set Bill up to believe he was going to read a sonnet called Father. Good stuff.

After Justin declared Brooke another of Bill's assets -- I mean, declared them man and wife -- Brill was announced as Mr. and Mrs. Dollar Bill Spencer. I wonder if that's what it'll say on their marriage license? Well, Brillers, you got your wedding. My money says the marriage won't last. Either Brooke won't be able to quit Ridge or Bill will cheat on Brooke, whichever happens first. Scoopers, you may now start taking bets!

You may now also tell us what you think of all things B&B in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"It's ridiculous. Sally stole from the Forresters, yet they get sneered at? And now, Sally's stealing the entire show. Tired of her and Thomas already. Blech." -- "Katbert"

"I think they plan all these ceremonies with Brooke for one reason...not to have Brooke actually be married and stay married to her 'one and only', whoever that might be, but to show off all these different wedding dresses...it's a fashion show, right?" -- "bellaire"

"Seriously does [Katie] have an ounce of self-respect and pride!? Brooke was a human wrecking ball to Katie's marriage. It's one thing to forgive, and quite another to stand there and brush the hair and touch up the make-up of the woman who is about to marry your ex. Does Katie enjoy being Brooke's doormat!?" -- ElleBrock

"Courtney Hope is like a young Kim Zimmer [Reva, Guiding Light] in the making...her acting style is [similar]...Sally & Thomas have the makings of a new supercouple like Josh & Reva." -- "GL_ALWAYs"

Hey, GL was infamous for cloning Reva -- could someone clone Josh for me? My birthday is coming up. Oh, Josh...

Well, on that TMI note, I will be back to wax soapical again in two weeks to kick off June, and Chanel returns next week to finish up May sweeps. Keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, now more than ever, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, or orientation, we're all beautiful.

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