Hooking up the I-vy

L.A. pharmacies worked overtime as Sasha cured what ailed Thomas and a spoonful of sugar made Batie's divorce papers go down. But Quinn got her prescription for Weffy's weakening marriage all the way from Australia! Get your soapy dose with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did your half-sister get a whole hand-me-down? Did your engagement ring come with a percent sign? Did you try to make an Aussie more saucy? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant clan this week!

What up, Scoopers? I, for one, have had B&B on the brain as of late. But not so much today's B&B. No, I can finally tell you that I've been bringing nearly 100 character profiles up to date for Soap Central's Who's Who section, and they'll be posted soon! But rewriting them had me reaching from this week's episodes all the way back to Day One. Wow, what a journey!

Ah...Thorne and Macy, Sheila's shenanigans, Taylor's "deaths," and the diva herself, Sally Spectra. Seems to me the "Bold" of old just had more drama, more impact. It wasn't just beautiful, it was bold. I don't feel like I'm getting a lot of bold nowadays. Yeah, Eric's causing an uproar "shacking up" with Quinn, but the same happened with Sheila, and even Donna. I know "Sally Says Recycle," but not that way!

Soaps need triangles, star-crossed lovers, business brawling, and all the things we expect. But B&B could be so much more if we just branched out. The whole "Adam and Eve" thing was a good effort. It polarized viewers, but it was different. And it's lovely to keep Sally alive, but can we just pay our respects already with a two-episode retrospective, maybe for the 30th anniversary next year? And bring Clarke and C.J.!

Believe me, I could do a whole column on just that, but we have this week's episodes to examine. Is it just me, or does something feel off about the current offerings? So much ado about Quinn, but everybody seems to have their own agenda in terms of getting rid of her, and people just keep talking in circles. And talking. And talking. Quinn's the only one working! Even Thomas and Sasha have gone AWOL. Let's Scoop about it!

AIN'T NO TOMFOOLERY

Sasha keeps saying she and Thomas are friends, but she seems to like her "friends with bennies," the situation she offered Zende, because she can't keep her lips off of Tomboy. Not that I exactly blame her. But friends don't make out; that changes the definition. Are Sasha's motives pure here? Or did she decide since she couldn't pee-dip her way into the Forrester family with Zende, she'd try it with Thomas instead?

It's too bad Carter can't get no love. He's as chiseled as Thomas, his smile's as pearly-white -- and Carter isn't hung up on anybody. I think Nicole was right to ask Sasha if Thomas is even available. Though wasn't Nicole unusually displeased to see Sasha at Thomas' loft? Maybe deep down Nicole's jealous because she kissed Thomas first. You'd think Nicole would sign up for anything that would keep Sasha away from Zende.

And why did Zende look like he was going to need Immodium when he heard Sasha and Thomas were spending time together? What, is he jealous, too? Conversely, why was Zende being so friendly to Sasha before she dropped the T-bomb that he offered to spot her? Zende thought he was going to have to add Father's Day to his calendar because of this girl. Why does Zencole have to be in Tasha's orbit, anyway?

EX'S AND OH-OH-OH'S, THEY HAUNT ME

Ridge has some very strange vibes going on with his exes these days. The way Katie hangs around the former Speedo-wearing designer, she seems about ready to fake another heart attack for him. Personally, if I were Ridge, I'd keep everything close to the vest after Katie did all that snooping around Dr. Wolin -- whose death was set up like a murder mystery then dropped to the point of uselessness. But I digress.

Then there's Brooke. I get the distinct feeling that CaRidge's wheels fell off just so we could take a stab at nuBridge. (And if you doubt me, don't forget: R.J.'s coming back.) Now Katie, Brooke, and Ridge are all on board about snagging Bill's stock, but didn't the "I'm doing good" Katie go back and forth when she found out Bill offered Brooke his 12.5% stake in Forrester as a wedding present?

Seriously, Katie was "I'm not angry" one second yet spitting nails the next, snarking about how no man could resist Brooke. And it's funny that #DrunkBrooke needed Alcoholics Anonymous meetings after two weeks of drinking, but Katie is "doing good" without them after six months of slurping anything fermented out of broken glasses. But hey, that stock is up for grabs. Let's discuss why that whole plot point is needless.

PLAY THE PERCENTAGES

"You need a big enough majority to outvote Eric," Brooke reminded Ridge, as if he didn't already know (it's called exposition). BUT RIDGE ALREADY HAS IT! Yes, I "shouted" that, but last year Ridge, Steffy, and Thomas teamed up with Bill, who signed control of his 12.5% to Liam, so they could use their combined 62.5% to force Rick out as CEO. Doesn't Liam still have that control? Ridge doesn't need Bill for this!

And even if control of Bill's shares reverted back to him, he hates Quinn more than anybody. Certainly he'd be the first to vote with Ridge, Steffy, and Thomas. But no. Instead, we pretend that entire story arc didn't exist so the stock can factor into nuBridge, Katie's divorce, and Bill's proposal to Brooke. Tried it, B&B! Tried it, tried it, tried it.

Though, with Bill flashing back to literal high times with Brooke, and Quinn recalling a conversation she had with Wyatt one scene previous, B&B answered my unspoken prayer by letting Batie flash back to seven years ago, when they first got married. "I'm glad we tried again," Katie said as she smiled. The genuine warmth as Bill and Katie signed their divorce papers almost made me forget they never should have remarried in the first place.

Not one to let grass grow under his feet (just in his office), Bill whipped out the ring he must have had in his pocket while divorcing Katie and asked for Brooke's hand. Anyone notice that the reinvented "sword" even looked like a percent sign? Looks like Brooke is gonna have 12 in more than one way now that she's agreed to add Spencer to her very long name. Not that she or Ridge need Bill's stock. I'm'a keep sayin' it.

By the way, what's up with Katie shipping nuBridge? Ridge pooh-poohed it left and right, yet Katie was pushin' it like she was Salt 'n' Pepa trying to get Ridge to realize his "destiny." Love the non-Ronn Moss workaround of Thorsten Kaye's Bridge flashbacks, but do you get the feeling Katie just wants her "unforgettable" ex and sister combo back together to stick it to Bill? That's the vibe I got, for sure!

SOUR AS AN UNSWEETENED LEMON BAR

Neither Pam nor Charlie was having Quinn's sweetness and light, and for the first time, I actually saw the Douglas coming out in the pearl-encrusted purveyor of that bakery product which thankfully went nameless. I actually pumped my fist with a "YESSSS" when Quinn mentioned faking a friendship with Pam for her own purposes. Wouldn't you love to see Pam get loony again and go up against Quinn? I'd have to sell tickets!

THIS IS A RECORDING...RECORDING...RECORDING...

But one thing I am definitely over is pretty much anything having to do with Steffy, Liam, and Wyatt. How many times is this trio going to have the same conversation? Liam wants Steffy back. Wyatt wants Liam to respect his marriage. Steffy just wants Quinn away from her. Yeah, all right, already, we get it! This has been going on for months. Is there any particular reason I should care who ends up with whom?

At this point, Liam's just a pig. A stalker and a pig. He breaks out the bubbly and drowns his place in roses because he sees his chance with Steffy now that she's moved out on Wyatt. Must've learned that from Bill, who basically told Brooke they were getting back together instead of asking her what she wanted. "Just once, can I walk in and not find you in my wife's face?" Wyatt asked Liam. Amen, brother. A thousand times amen!

Wyatt's not much better, first insisting he did everything he could to corral Quinn then telling Steffy he failed her. Wyatt didn't do squat, just like he didn't when Hope begged for a restraining order or once Quinn almost turned Liam into a human shish kebab. I think I can understand Wyatt being a mama's boy, but he knows damn well Steffy ain't feelin' him -- and never has. Why else would he get married on April Fool's Day?

And Steffy...I really need your namesake Stephanie to rise from the grave and go Gangsta Granny on your skinny-jean ass. Steffy admits to Ridge that she really loves Liam then tells Wyatt she wants to stay married? I'd like to see the Spencer bros shake hands and kick Steffy to the curb, because she's leading them on, whether she means to or not. And Liam and Wyatt are always better when they're on the same side, anyway.

GRANDFATHER KNOWS BEST

The only thing different about this continuing loop is that Thomas is now fully on board with Steam (damn it, Chanel, for rightly pointing out Tom-Tom's bromance with Liam...after Thorne thought Thomas was gay, I spent years hoping for my Team Tholiver...now your observation is giving me ideas about Thomas and Liam that require smelling salts after I'm done thinkin' em.) And then there's Grandpa Eric!

It would be a killer twist if something really was wrong with Eric, as Ridge suggests, and that it was the reason Eric was taking up with Quinn, knowing her rap sheet and already having done all this with Sheila. (If the Forresters show up for a Queric wedding wearing black, I'm going to burst a blood vessel.) Yet Eric must have his wits about him, because he's the only one to tell Steffy what time it is!

Yep, it took Grandpa Forrester to sit Steffy down and note that all her bitching about Quinn had little to do with Quinn and almost everything to do with Liam. Of course, Chanel called that one in her column last week, and she wasn't wrong. Remember how disgusted Steffy was when she found out Quinn had slept with Liam? Bet Steffy's never gotten that image out of her head. No wonder Steffy's on an anti-Quinn rampage!

By the same token, I wonder if Liam's hyper-Steffy focus is more about forgetting his feelings for Quinn than it is about Steffy herself. Yeah, he had amnesia, but was his love for "Eve" any less real? Too bad B&B dropped that; I'd love to see Liam waking up from romantic and/or erotic dreams about Quinn once in a while and then committing to Steffy more just to push Quinn out of his heart. What a great layer that would be.

MAMA SAID KICK YOU OUT

Wyatt got tired of sleeping alone at night and ran to mommy for Round Twenty-Two of The Riot Act. "My marriage is ending! Don't you care?" These were the same declarations Wyatt was making to Quinn when I Scooped for you two weeks ago. Now, you'd think Quinn, who sent videos and made swords and dropped damsels to enable Wyatt's love life, would have no problem jumping back on Team Wyatt.

No, Eric must be using the industrial-strength Viagra, 'cuz Quinn wasn't about giving up any of that FC D. There must be a way for both the Fullers to stay full. And who should walk in but Miss Ivy Forrester! Sassy cut and color, I have to say; love the vibrant dress. But I don't know that I really need to see Ivy inserted into all this. (Yes, I'm whinging, as Ivy said; that means "complaining" to you non-Commonwealth folks.)

MARES EATS OATS AND DOES EAT OATS AND LITTLE LAMBS EAT IVY

The one thing I have to give Ivy is that she took responsibility for doing over Wyatt with Thomas: "I'm not overly proud of my behavior last year." Good, because the last convo Ivy and Quinn had, Quinn was ripping Ivy a new one for hurting her son. Still, I don't get why Ivy's being all chummy with Quinn. "We worked through most of it," Ivy said of her issues with Quinn. You wanna be BFFs with someone who chucked you in a river?

I suppose, storywise, Quinn does need an ally. But Ivy? And would Ivy need to ask Quinn for her job back? Sure, going to Ridge and Steffy probably wouldn't have worked. But the justification that Eric wasn't listening to anyone but Quinn surely wouldn't have applied to Ivy. And didn't Ivy have her own business when she came to Forrester the first time? Wouldn't her past association with FC kick it through the roof?

I dunno. Maybe Ivy gained Quinn's respect when she threatened Quinn with welding tools after the whole River Seine escapade. Or maybe there's stuff rattling around in Ivy's brain from the electrocution and the concussion. (If Steffy tried those tactics on Quinn, maybe she wouldn't have a problem!) But Ivy pledging her loyalty to Quinn and telling her "I'll do anything"...it just didn't quite track to me. Did it to you?

A QUINN-TESSENTIAL MAKEOVER

Naturally, it didn't take a rocket scientist -- or even a jewelry designer -- to see that Quinn wanted to use Ivy to keep Liam away from Steffy for Wyatt. So much for not reverting to the behavior Eric said he'd kick Quinn out over! And if Aly were alive, she'd tell her former bestie that Quinn already tried doing the makeover thing on her, and on Liam's behalf, to boot. Sally Says Recycle!

Hotting up Ivy is one thing (though there was nothing wrong with the pretty dresses she came back to town in), and I thought the makeover session was kind of fun. But what the hell is up with Quinn telling Ivy she needs to lose her accent? It became clearer when Ivy realized her new ensemble looked very much like something Steffy would wear.

Classic movie buffs know Jimmy Stewart pulled a similar reinvention on Kim Novak in Vertigo. But if Quinn wants Liam to fall for Ivy again, shouldn't she just let Ivy be the girl Liam was attracted to in the first place instead of turning her into a Steffy clone? The first romantic thing Liam did for Ivy was throw her an Aussie-themed party! And it's kind of offensive that Quinn wants to Americanize Ivy. "Your strange Aussie phrasing"?

No, Ivy seems to recall enough about Quinn that she's already aware she's being used. Good for her, but is Ivy's inclusion in the yawn-inducing Leffy/Weffy triangle really what we need? Can the stock angle possibly work when it's invalid? And is the show getting too Quinn-centric? Throw your shrimps of opinion on the barbie in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

• "There is only one real couple: Bridge. Great to see that there's a way to [a] reunion. Hope RJ helps!" -- "dny"

• "Eric is a horny old man!" -- Rose

• "I thought Mike and I were the only ones who remembered...that Liam had dumped Steffy before Quinn took him to her cabin! How come Steffy doesn't remember that? And apparently Liam remembers everything but that!" -- "Cupcake"

• "I...loved that Katie said that Ridge [is] the great love of Brooke's life and everybody knows that. ?#True" -- "BRIDGE"

I always knew that was true, too, even when Brooke said that title went to Bill. Question: if Katie knows this about Brooke and always has, why did Katie spend six months freaking out because Brooke said Bill was the love of her life?

Let's ponder a few more ponderables in Points to Ponder!

LOL at Ridge giving Wyatt money to get Quinn out of the office for the day... Liam brought Steffy home because it was "a place to feel safe." Quinn tried to kill him in that room! And that house might have been Steffy's home with Liam, but she knows it was Hope's, too... Katie pointed out that Ridge is single. Is he? Was his divorce instant? Is Bill's?

"I don't believe in worthiness," Brooke told Ridge. "You are who you are, and you love who you love." Doesn't that wonderfully sum up Brooke's entire M.O. the past three decades?... "Stop pretending you're in love with Eric!" Wyatt yelled. That's just it: is Quinn in love, or is it one big con?... "If they can't put Quinn away for her crimes," Ridge grumbled, "I may have to commit one." Hmm. Everyone hates Quinn. And a murder mystery involving the whole cast might be kind of fun right now!

Okay, Scoopers, that's all I got for ya until next time. And when my updated character profiles go up, know that I will be sure to hit Felicia and Thorne again in the next go-round, because they're on their way back this month to weigh in on their daddy's affair with Quinn. Thanks for continuing to allow me to weigh in Two Scoops style, and come follow me on Twitter to keep up with my other bewitching exploits. Quinn's got 'em runnin' in circles, so keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold!

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