These aren't the droids you're looking for

Our soap's more intriguing story points seemed to get lost as the Spencers and the Avants wandered aimlessly around Tattooine. But then Katie sensed deception in the Empire, and Caroline decided she wasn't going that way because it's much too rocky! Feel the Force with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you linger with lingerie when the bedroom was clearly empty? Did you think the rivals for your affection were using too much foundation? Did you accuse your sister of baking someone happy? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant clan this week!

The Force is strong with you, Scoopers! 'Cuz the Force has got a lot of power...it make me feel like...ch-OOH! Sorry, that's Michael Jackson. Maybe I'm still in an '80s frame of mind, because making all those Belinda Carlisle references last column earned me a tweet from the Go-Go herself! What an honor that was. Hopefully B&B will hear her plea and cast her on the show, all over the place as it is right now. [EDITOR'S NOTE: We sent the tweet to B&B's publicity department to help do our part to grant Belinda's wish!] Let's Scoop about it!

Why were Sasha & Co. on my screen this week? Their current story is over. Sasha got snagged. Nicole is back with Zende. And Mr. and Mrs. Avant are working out their problems off-screen. Yet we got a retread of Nicole not wanting Sasha to be Zende's model. The boredom. I'll give this to Nicole: she may have been petty the first time, but trying to keep Sasha out of Zende's lens now carries more weight.

"I don't call the shots around here," Zende whined to Sasha, and that's the whole point. Zende may be in the Forrester family line, and Nicole may be by extension, but they're interns. And here they are running around influencing Forrester company decisions like they're CEO, not Ridge. By the way, since when does Forrester even produce shoes for Zende to photograph? It took Aly to try to create their first shoe line, and she's dead.

No, the Avants have enough dropped balls in their court to keep the Harlem Globetrotters busy for a week. Nicole handed off her baby to Maya as if she were loaning her a blouse. The real story was a surrogacy battle. Vivienne said she was dealing with Julius then turned things around on Nicole. The real story was watching the Avants try to keep their marriage together after the revelations about Lucy and Sasha.

I guess B&B feels like the real story is in keeping Sasha in various states of undress. She's still trying to convince Zende that Nicole is wrong for her. And Zende's still channeling Liam's constipated look. I did like Zende busting out an Aussie accent, his shoe shutterbug session with Sasha was fun, and I loved Zende recalling how Kristen and Tony had given him fairy tale books as a child to boost his ability to read.

You know, it never occurred to me until this week: maybe the reason B&B gave Zende photography ambitions is because that's how he was first introduced! As an orphan in Africa, little Zende stole the newlywed Dominguezes' camera. Great continuity if that's the case. I just don't need to keep seeing Sasha coming between Nicole and Zende. Come on, Nicole. Get "motheritis" and fight Maya for custody of your baby!

Another ho-hum arc I can do without is this never-ending business with Liam saying he's going to accept Steffy's marriage to Wyatt then saying he won't give up on her. This ish has been going on for almost three months now, from the moment Wyatt saved Liam's ass from Eve's love nest. That's not the story! The story is Liam having conflicting feelings for Quinn after living as her husband for weeks.

Am I supposed to feel sorry for Liam? Because I don't. All the flashbacks in the world aren't gonna make me groove, especially when they're the same ones over and over. "Do you remember when we first met?" Liam lamented to Steffy. Then we got Aspen, the motorcycle wedding -- anything but Liam coming in to fix Steffy's computer in 2010, which was their initial encounter. We couldn't have dug that scene up?

I am also over Steffy telling anyone who will listen how Quinn manipulated everything. And Liam needs to stop harping on the future he and Steffy would have had. I'm getting to sound like as much of a broken record as they are, but the show needs to revisit the fact that Liam caught Wyatt and Steffy cuddling before Quinn spirited him away. Seriously: Three. Months. Of. This. Silliness. Let's liven it up, people.

B&B's in this pattern right now where an episode airs every day, but not much happens. And story points are brought up, only to have them bear little to no fruit. Example: what was the purpose of bringing in Reverend Rydell and making it look like Steffy's marriage to Wyatt was invalid, only to have Sherry Underwood from The Talk say everything was kewl beans? Two weeks later, we're right back where we were. Why?

We did get Liam and Wyatt arguing over Steffy, in the form of sparring over the foundation Liam suddenly wants to start up. Hey, that's consistent with his personality, but you know it was contrived just so we could bring Steffy into it. Question: Forrester Creations made a big to-do about welcoming Liam back to his job there. So why is he working at Spencer? And since when is Wyatt such a money-grubber?

Suddenly Steffy kissed Liam, but psyche! -- it was Liam's fantasy. I admit, the show had me going there for a second. But they're playing Leffy/Weffy as if it's the biggest thing evar, and like, it's so been done. I don't care if Leia ends up with Luke or Han Solo. I need to see something different, and the only time lasers fly is when Liam and Quinn are in a room together. How about we explore that some more? Please?

Steffy toyed with Liam's sword necklace, which made my eyebrow raise. Quinn removed "Adam's" original trinket. Presumably, she still has it. So, what, Bill just has a drawer full of these things to pass out when necessary? Anyway, Liam regarded the sword as a symbol of the Spencer men and the example Bill sets in his faithful marriage to Katie. Interesting correlation, but since when is Liam so big on Team Bill?

Another interesting correlation was the segue into Brooke toying with Bill's sword necklace, but we'll get to that. I do have to give a shout-out to the atypical scene partners we got this week: Thomas rapped with Liam, Katie and Wyatt were in denial about their marriages together, and Steffy was superfriendly to stepmommy Caroline, whom she opposed not long ago. Thomas even told Pam she'd look good in lingerie!

Now, Dollar Bill Spencer has always been kind of scummy -- that's part of his soapy charm. The womanizer has grown, regressed, and evolved again -- but these days he's devolving so fast, you might as well put him in a cage with the monkeys. Two weeks ago, he realized he was tired of fighting his feelings for Brooke, plus Katie's drunken shenanigans. He was going to do the right thing and divorce Katie!

Finally, some movement in this "circle in the sand" story! And what happens? Bill shifts gears and decides he's going to save his marriage...by cheating with Brooke. Whaaaaaa? And it took Brooke, the all-time Slut from the Valley, to call Bill on this. "It seems a little hypocritical," she noted, citing Bill's demand that Liam respect Steffy's marriage. Wow! The best part of the whole week.

I mean, Bill rolled like Brooke did with Ridge and Nick. You know, the way she would try to convince these married fellows they couldn't resist their feelings for her? Brooke knows that script well, and, for the most part, she kept the Stallion corralled, even during his painful-to-hear whinny. But how could Bill let himself in? After Brooke was savagely raped by Andy in that house, you'd think she'd still be triple-locking her doors.

Brill nearly got snagged by Rick, who strangely couldn't be happier that Ridge made strides to include him at Forrester, considering Rick was suspicious of Ridge's motives just moments before. But Rick wasn't too suspicious of Brooke, realizing his mama was putting the bedroom back in Brooke's Bedroom. La Logan shook her head! She told Bill she couldn't do this! And by the way, she left her earring in Bill's love nest.

Maybe Bill got the idea to do one up after hearing about Quinn's cabin, but even Alison's comical claims that Bill had installed a napping room couldn't erase the question mark from my head. I don't remember there being a door that close to Bill's desk, and I sure as hell don't remember Bill ever having a gym there. How can this mystery room go past the window, which is clearly the edge of the building?

Nevertheless, Liam, with his flip-a-coin jobs, found the love nest with the door conveniently ajar, not to mention Brooke's earring in the bed. Alison called to warn Bill, who stupidly blurted out "Earring?" in front of Katie; naturally Katie asked about it. Katie's chef's hat must have been on too tight, because she bought Bill's bull about there being a never-before-mentioned accessories issue for Eye on Fashion.

Yep, the ever-paranoid Katie was too happy baking cookies for Bill, who'd just tried to bake himself happy with Brooke's cookies. See, this isn't the story, either. The story was Katie cheating on Bill before he could do it to her, or at least not sticking her head back in the sand once she let Bill go. Katie's a bigger sucker than ever, and Bill's a bigger skank than ever. It's just a mess.

After Katie absurdly sang Bill's virtues to Wyatt, Brooke came by to hear a chorus of the same. But Katie was all up in it because Rick had told her that Brooke was seeing someone. Sudden, ain't it! Rick shouldn't have revealed that off-screen. Katie shipped Thomas and Caroline and inexplicably assumed Ridge was cheating on Caroline with Brooke. But lo, Katie finally picked up the Cluephone and figured Brooke's boo was Bill!

That also seemed like it happened too fast, but it was worth it for Katie saying she drank to drown out the voice telling her that her marriage to Dollar Bill was a few cents short. For the first time since this started, Katie didn't just blame Brooke but shot a few daggers in Bill's direction. "Has he approached you? Has he kissed you? Has he touched you?" Brooke wouldn't answer. It's on now!

Or at least, I hope it is. I don't need weeks of secret Brill assignations. I want to watch the fallout of Batie's destroyed marriage, a reunion that never should have happened. Move this story along. Thomas, who is about to earn the nickname Aquaman because he's always in the damn pool these days, decided he was going to move his story along, toweling himself off long enough to tell Ridge he was done denying daddyhood!!

I'd been having "that's not the story" moments regarding Douglas' paternity, too, because nothing came of Dr. Wolin's death, Rick sniffing around, or Bill and Brooke discovering the truth from Katie. No, everyone grudgingly agreed to keep the secret. I kept feeling like the story was either Douglas turns out to be Ridge's child, or Thomas finally asserts his rights and takes Ridge and Caroline to court. (And/or gets a DNA test to be sure.)

I was close! All that exposure to chlorine must have had Thomas thinking clearly, because he emerged from the water, feeling too many people knew his secret, and they could control how the story came out, which would prevent a scandal. Thomas was going to declare himself as Douglas' father and even go to court if he had to! Woo-hoo! Ridge wasn't about that. But Caroline was! "Thomas is right. We need to be honest!"

This is another story that's been going in circles too long, with too many red herrings and not a whole lot of development. But if Thomas stirred it, Caroline shook it up by telling Ridge she was tired of his anger about what happened between her and Thomas that night, a night that wouldn't have happened if Ridge hadn't dropped Caroline like a hot potato. "You don't have to protect us from Thomas!" Caroline insisted.

And was that a light bulb that went off over Ridge's head? You could almost see it as he pulled a reverse Star Wars and told baby Douglas "I am not your father" in a very anti-Darth way. "I didn't know what that night was until just now," Ridge conceded. Did you dig the cryptic vibe? Ridge handed Douglas to Thomas then looked at Caroline. Would he walk out on her?

After all, Caroline revised her opinion of her doped-up evening with Thomas. Katie hinted that Caroline belonged with Thomas and felt Ridge would be free for Brooke. Are we headed for a Bridge reunion, albeit with a rebuilt Bridge? Will Brooke admit to Katie that Bill's trying to boink her? Do you think our stories are lacking a certain direction? What do you think would blast the show into hyperspace? Go out on an X-wing by sending a holographic message in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

• "I'm really tired of Brooke and Bill. They're manipulative, selfish, immoral people. They've done this nonsense to Katie before. Both acting like they're so concerned about her, while trying to make her insecure so that they can drive her to depression, or the bottle. That's their only way out without looking like the scum they are." -- Pam S

• "It would make more sense if the writers reunited Brooke and Eric, have Steffy go back to Liam because Wyatt deserves someone better than her -- I liked him with Ivy, have Caroline get together with Thomas, match up Ridge with Katie, Bill with Quinn -- a far better match than whingeing half-witted Katie and send Sasha off to do modeling for another fashion house." -- Trudi

• "I agree with all your points but gosh darn it I don't want Bill and Brooke back together, and I can't really say why. The circles are so small, let's have Bill find Belinda and Belinda find Brooke or something Capital D Different. I have watched for a decade and barely lived through the Hope/Liam/Steffy revolving door (why did they ever kill Steffy's twin anyway, I had such high hopes for Stef, her sis was the ditz). If they just have trouble finding people outside of their 'circle', reel in a tentacle or two and bring back old characters to widen the perimeter somewhat." -- "klhink"

Totally. I've been working on refreshing character profiles of former faces, and I think it's high time Clarke and C.J. came back, since it would be great to have some Spectras around again. Thorne needs to return full-time. Of course, B&B has too many characters as it is, so we'd have to drop some, not that I wish any actor out of a job. Maybe the old Port Charles telenovela format, where you tell stories with one group of characters for 13 weeks, then revolve to another group the next 13, etc.?Just one Point to Ponder. Here are several others for your pondering pleasure!

The show made some very astute observations this week. "Wyatt used to be the black sheep," Steffy told Bill. "Now it's Liam because he smells of Quinn to you." And Ridge pointed out that he wanted to thank Massimo for giving him a life that he wouldn't have had if Massimo had claimed fatherhood early on... "People get mismarried all the time," Liam conjectured about Steffy. Is "mismarried" even a word?

"Hope says hello," Brooke informed Katie, who felt her niece would have opinions about ex-hubby Wyatt being married to ex-rival Steffy... Liam's conscience is in the right place, wanting to get rid of Spencer Publications' gossip mags, but he may face bigger opposition than Bill's disagreement -- Spencer's been publishing those since the '80s, and even had nudie magazines in the European market (just ask Jamie Sommers...uh, I mean Donna Logan)...

"We continued Grandmother's work with the homeless," Steffy said of Forrester. Really? When?... Ridge and Thomas' usual battle over Douglas was peppered with different nuances. Ridge genuinely wanted to ease Thomas' mind over the paternity lie, offering a heartfelt "We will help you through it." But when Thomas wanted to tell the world that he's Douglas' father, he assured Ridge, "I'm not asking you to give Douglas up." Nice... B&B's snazzy sex theme set the mood the first few times, but now it's gotten so any time anyone lies down or even thinks of doing so, the cue is playing. Bit of a mood-killer!

It's hard to believe 2016 is already half over! So far, the highlight of the B&B year has been the "Adam and Eve" story, which, as "klhink" says, was "Capital D Different." Thanks again to Belinda Carlisle for the shout-out (B&B would be wise to give her a role as she requested!) -- maybe next time I make my Madonna references, I might hear from the Queen herself? A guy can dream.

Chanel's got you for your Fourth of July weekend (which also happens to be my birthday weekend, so I'm just as glad I'm off!). I've got you the week after that. Thanks, as always, for reading my soapy ramblings -- follow me on Twitter (and if you like Bewitched, have I got something for you.) It's an interesting time for B&B, so keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold!

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.