Every which way and loose

Deacon washed up, Ridge had to pony up, and Katie's jig was up. But L.A. must've had an earthquake, because the B&B residents you love and love to hate were bouncing all over the place! Make sense of the mayhem with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Was your memory fuzzier than your face? Did your sparkling water lose its sparkle? Did you keep on truckin' the hard way? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant clan this week!

Whatza haps, Scoopers? That's exactly what I found myself asking as these most recent five episodes played out. We got really intriguing twists, complete implausibility, great performances, and ho-humness all mixed together as if it were one of Katie's drinks! It was so hard to find a common thread that I had to paraphrase a movie with an orangutan to get things started! Let's Scoop about it!

We'll dispense with the boring stuff first. Nicole, Maya, and Rick had Broken Record Syndrome, as they were still covering the same ground six weeks after Zende split. Nicole understood and talked about the great gift her uterus was able to give, and Rick and Maya felt bad they ruined Nicole's social life. Only Rick's snazzy new hair broke up the repetition. Anyone else think it was reminiscent of Jacob Young's Rick circa 1998?

Maya must have gotten Nicole the high octane prenatal vitamins, because Maya squeed that her/their baby is "coming close" when Nicole just got pregnant five months ago. And does Nicole's hand have to be superglued to her belly every time she's on-screen? Nicole's pregnant; we get it. I'm also tired of Nicole pining for Zende. Girl, the guy's a pr- word that rhymes with "click." He boofed Sasha in record time. Move on, already!

I liked Zende at first, but he learned from his sleep-around L.A. relatives far too quickly. "You don't hate me?" Zende asked of Maya when I thought she went in there to rip him a new one. Nope -- Maya gave Zende credit for trying to make things work with Nicole and called Sasha's behavior "disgusting." Maya could have redeemed herself a bit by noting how she similarly went after the taken Rick. Missed opportunities...

Then Broken Record Syndrome caught up with Julius and Sasha. Julius played favorites with his legitimate daughter, and Sasha wanted recognition from her philandering daddy. Sasha's paternity came out four months ago -- why are we still going in this particular circle? The only new stuff we got is that Sasha almost spilled the beans to Zende and Nicole, and the credits told us that Sasha's last name is Thompson.

Nicole about went into labor when Sasha needlessly told her friend/sister that Zende was in love with her. Not sure I'm buying Sasha's apologetic tears, but Nicole didn't apologize for asking Zende if their love had been the real deal. Zende said Sasha had misinterpreted the term "making love," insisting it takes more to develop actual love. Does it? Zencole went on one date before L-wording.

This story needs a serious shot in the arm. Vivienne should find out about Julius' secret daughter and lay down the smackdown. Maya should put the fear of God into Sasha for hurting her sister. Nicole, who seems to be getting resentful about being Rick and Maya's surrogate, should pop out her shorty and pay them back for messing things up with Zende by keeping the kid. The current doings are B&B's weakest link right now.

Adam and Eve's Garden of Eden, however, was scorching because it was fiyah! The dynamic duo of Liam and Wyatt caught Quinn with their grappling hook and stashed her in the Batcave! (I always love when the Spencer half-brothers work together instead of fight over girls.) Wyatt led Liam to the beach, where Steffy threw her arms and legs around her cha-cha-cha! And, of course, Leffy flashbacks abounded.

Quinn screamed to be let out of her wooden prison when the door opened -- and there was Deacon with blood in eye and...seaweed around his neck? Maybe that's fitting, because this is where the story of Liam's kidnapping started to jump the shark. Deacon has been missing for three real-life weeks, or several soap days. He was wet; Quinn had to offer him a towel! You mean he just now got out of the water?

How did Deacon survive all this time? Skipping such minor details, Deacon did remind us what a force to be reckoned with he used to be by menacing the woman who sent him on his Nestea plunge. Freaky Deaky grabbed an ax and was ready to ax somebody! But then Quinn tried to work her wiles on her ex-hubby, offering him love and money if he'd run away with her.

We don't know if Deacon gave in, but all I have to say is, he better not have. It was already asking too much for us to believe that Deacon would marry a woman who held a gun on him for correctly implicating her in a crime (#JusticeForRicardoMontemayor). If it turns out he's Quinn's road trip buddy, I'll be wishing Sir Sharpe really had ended up shark bait. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice...shame on the show.

Bill was on the warpath when he found out Liam had been in Quinn's clutches, though he barely reacted to Wyatt admitting he saw footage of Quinn absconding with Liam. Steffy had a similar non-reaction. Sorry, but Wyatt saying he confronted Quinn and believed her lie isn't enough to get him off the hook. He could have rescued Liam weeks ago had he 'fessed up instead of shutting up for fear of losing Steffy.

Bill did the right thing and called the law, and there was Lt. Baker! He's been around since Sheila's shenanigans, but I'm not sure how I feel about the continuity of his hot dogs. It's consistent, but what cop shows up to the scene of a kidnapping, wishing he were an Oscar Meyer wiener? Seems unprofessional. As unprofessional as their not catching Quinn will be. You know they're never going to find her.

And I have a bad feeling Quinn will not pay for her crimes. B&B already gave Ms. Fuller a get-out-of-jail-free card when she tried to fillet Liam in 2014; I never believed she checked herself into a psychiatric hospital. Even if you can accept Quinn incarcerating Liam out of twisted love, she still is guilty of attempting to murder Deacon. For this story to work, Quinn needs to go to jail, at least for a while. And Liam should visit her.

I think it's a terrific touch that not all of Liam's memory came back (even Blake had total recall after his amnesia on Dynasty). But there already seem to be rips in the seams of this resolution. Liam keeps wanting to know why Quinn did it. He already knows he was led to believe "Adam" and "Eve" were married; does he not remember all the loving moments between them? The actual connection they had? This seems odd.

And the show kind of tiptoed around the fact that Liam and Quinn did the nasty multiple times. Liam told Steffy he believed he was married; Steffy cried a bit but never once said "OMG, you slept with her?" I mean, the implication was there, and everyone seemed to get it. But no one came out and said it. Also, no one took Liam to the hospital; this after everyone demonized Quinn for neglecting to do the same thing.

No, the real nuance to this story is on the ocean floor along with Deacon's sunglasses. Liam should be emerging from this, confused about his feelings for Quinn. They were real; he couldn't have just been sensing Steffy when it was all about "Eve." Liam should have a new compassion for Quinn; instead, he's just reverted to his previous hate, which is not nearly as interesting.

There's also a gaping hole with Liam believing Steffy is still his fiance. He left Steffy before his second set of concussions because he caught her sleeping next to Wyatt. He was furious! Maybe it's part of Liam's incomplete memory, but Steffy's keeping mum about it, too. It was not "all you had to do was come home." Steffy held Liam at fault then turned around and said it wasn't. Indecisive much?

So now it's "Steffy and the blood clot" redux: Liam and Hope didn't dare tell Steffy they wanted back together, now Steffy and Wyatt are at loggerheads over telling Liam they're together. Not the most compelling story. And though Wyatt kicked ass (and doors), finally doing the right thing in rescuing Liam, he should be remembering that Quinn also pulled dramatic stunts to get Wyatt married to Hope. But he isn't.

For all the stretched credulity that got them there, "Adam" and "Eve" was interesting and fascinating, and it gave Scott Clifton a chance to turn in some boffo performances. But I don't find myself satisfied by this wrap-up. And Katie was there to nurse Liam with take-out and tea. Didn't she seem amazingly sober for a woman who is knocking 'em back in secret? It made me miss that old Katie, but she's supposed to be on vacay these days.

The next day, Katie had a very busy afternoon. She bluffed Bill by nom-nom-noming her sparkling water and smiling that she was off the sauce. But as soon as he left, Katie spied Ridge in heavy conversation with the hard-to-figure-out Dr. Wolin. What exactly is the "defrocked" doc's beef? Does he blame Ridge for losing his license? Why is he so hostile and incendiary toward a former patient?

Instead of splitting, Ridge sat down with Wolin for some you-don't-wanna-mess-with-this talk. Afterwards, Katie plunked herself down and became Wolin's sounding board! Hmm! What tangled web are we weaving here? Is Katie getting a drinking buddy? Is Katie going to drunkenly blab about Ridge's azoospermia to the wrong person -- probably Rick?

Brooke also snarked about CaRidge's miracle baby, which Thomas picked up on. I got the feeling that each character was becoming a wolf that would circle around Douglas -- who would spill the beans? Rick and his snazzy new haircut would be defecating bricks if he knew Katie had the kind of scandalous info he and Maya searched Ridge's desk for. But Katie alternated between dishing with Wolin and warning him. What's up there?

Maybe Katie had too many martinis to think of just letting Wolin rant so she could run straight to former paramour Ridge, the ex-status of which Katie only hinted at. But it didn't matter because Brooke somehow got into Katie's house and sniffed around for Katie's stash like a booze-detecting bloodhound. Where exactly was Will? A great story would be Will finding the vodka and thinking it was clear Kool-Aid. Gulp gulp!

No, for some reason, Brooke decided she needed to find the alcohol she promised Katie she'd keep quiet about. (Brooke may want to check with her A.A. sponsor for the effectiveness of that.) Hey, Katie's been far cleverer about hiding her booze than Brooke ever was. Hitting pay dirt, Brooke goaded Bill into pouring her a glass of the 90-proof Perrier, and Bill finally got some balls, reading Katie the riot act when she came home.

You'd think he'd have been more incensed smelling the fresh martinis on her breath, but he did call her out for lying to him repeatedly. I should mention that Bill's observation about Katie having long-term problems even before her postpartum is accurate. Katie was introduced as an insecure character in 1987, and even Heather Tom alluded to that in a recent Soaps in Depth article. Quite the 30-year full circle.

"I started drinking because of her," Katie spat, feeling her sister even more disloyal because Brooke ratted Katie out. Again, where is Donna in all this? And where is Dr. Hayden? Surely the show didn't bring Chris McKenna on with such fanfare to give him one episode like he was a day player. Bill isn't cheating for a change -- strangely he's the most logical in the bunch these days -- but I'd still like to see some karma served up.

It's probably good he went off on Katie as soon as he saw her, because she was about to tell him all about Ridge and Dr. Wolin! What the hell for? Katie damn near threatened Wolin to keep quiet, but she was about to gossip to media magnate Bill like she was on TMZ? Perhaps that's drunken behavior for you. Across town, the shaken Ridge was forced to tell Caroline that his azoospermia was about to bite him in the vas deferens.

Ridge tried to assure Caroline that Wolin had no proof -- but doesn't he? Aren't there medical records? And if Ridge and Caroline are so worried about Douglas' paternity -- Caroline rightly wondered how his genetics might affect him down the line -- why don't they quit whining and get a DNA test? Of course, soap DNA tests are less than accurate, but at least it's proactive. Get the lowdown and deal with it from there.

Caroline suggested they tell Thomas, who of course showed up unable to talk about anything but the baby. Apologizing for snapping at Thomas' babysitting offer, Caroline evaded all over the place. But when Thomas wanted to lend an ear, Caroline looked like she was going to spill all the goodies like she was a birthday piata. Ay caramba! Funny how this secret is now in the hands of so many. What's B&B gonna do with it?

Meanwhile, Dr. Wolin summoned Ridge to what looked like Poetry Park (you know, where Ridge and Katie bored us with sonnets), demanding $100,000 to STFU. All those hilly areas...I half wondered if Ridge wasn't going to pull a Quinn on the doc. He didn't, but he did tell Wolin to go to hell and stalked off clenching his fists as if he were Mike Tyson or somebody. Then screeeeeech! A truck hit a pedestrian! Ridge's eyes widened!

But we don't know for sure it was Wolin. Even if it is...are we building up to a murder mystery? Of course, all Ridge did was walk away with curled mitts, and there were no witnesses. But Katie knows about Wolin. If he lives, will he say Ridge arranged to have him mowed down, and will Katie, Brooke, and everyone else get dragged into court? It's more intriguing than Rick discovering Douglas' paternity and trying for the CEO seat!

This is what I mean by an all-over-the-place week. This whole Katie/Wolin thing is tantalizing. I can usually predict a plot course pretty early, but I have no idea where this one is going. Katie's paranoia about Brooke is...old. So is the Nicole/Sasha/Zende thing. And Liam's homecoming started off with a bang but threatens to devolve into stuff we've seen before. I don't know what to think of it all!

What do you think of it all? Dish like Dr. Wolin in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

• "I see this as entirely Caroline's decision [as] the biological mother to tell the biological father about his child -- [it's] not Ridge's [decision]. [Ridge]...strong-armed her into something she has clearly not been comfortable with...I'm wondering if this won't end up being a problem in their marriage if this thing blows up." -- LMSG

• "All Ridge had to tell the Doc was 'yeah, we know baby Douglas isn't biologically mine. We used a sperm donor.' Ridge wouldn't be lying and the doctor couldn't say a word to contest it." -- "sneekee1"

• "Katie is drinking because she is an insecure childish woman...if she loses Bill it will be because of her drinking not because of Brooke. She has a young son and she continues to drink. What kind of mother is she?...Funny here is a woman who not long ago was ordering Bill not to drink and here she is, now an alcoholic." -- MarietteM

• "Could really losing Steffy to Wyatt shake Liam out of the comfort zone of always having another girl on his side?...It's about time Liam [faced] some real consequences for his years of waffling. Let him suffer." -- "Stand By You"

Now for some quick Points to Ponder:

Did anyone notice that Thomas had glitter on his face or that Bill's voice was deeper than usual? Don Diamont must have had a cold... Wyatt kept saying he caught Liam and Quinn in bed. Dude, they were sitting up kissing with their clothes on... Are we really to believe that Deacon, who grew up poor in the deserts of Las Vegas, was on his high school swim team?

Did Liam not notice that Steffy is wearing an entirely different ring on her left hand, or is that part of his memory block?... Neat touch that Thomas thought all the talk of Ridge and Caroline's baby might make Ridge's former "destiny" Brooke uncomfortable... Those shots outside Liam's cliff house made me think: did Bill ever fix that shaky railing that he left unrepaired so Amber would fall to her death?

Until next we meet, keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold!

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