Dr. Quinn, medicine woman

Nicole thought she had what the doctor ordered when she surgically removed Sasha's modeling gig, and Wyatt prescribed good old vitamin D to cure Steffy's blues. But Quinn playing doctor with Liam? Medic! Get your soapy prescription with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you vomit jealousy during your morning sickness? Did you want to edit a former romance? Did your wannabe killer turn out to be Florence Nightingale? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant clan this week!

Howdy, Scoopers! Looked like we were in for a lackluster time between Bill drooling over Brooke and the silly, silly, silliness that is Steam's miscommunication -- but hold that phone! Quinn managed to combine the Sheila of old with the '90s CBS series Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. And Deacon's gone! There may be some tantalizing precursors to February sweeps yet. Let's Scoop about 'em!

First, for the love of all things soapy, can we please stop with so many flashbacks and establishing shots? Both Bill and Steffy recalled their remotes with Brooke and Liam, respectively; surely we don't need to reuse that expensive footage that badly. And 38 seconds of Los Angeles locales after one Friday commercial break? The show's got under 19 minutes to enthrall us; let's not waste a second of it. 'Nuff said.

I am not feeling the tepid triangle of Nicole/Zende/Sasha. B&B broke ground by having a girl carry a baby for her transgender sister, and here we're reduced to hormonally charged Nicole's insecurity over Sasha, who swears she would never bust a move on Zende but did just that before the Avants took off over Christmas. Hopefully this Sasha arc is just a stopgap until Nicole pops, as Nicole would say.

I said it before: Sasha is not integral to Nicole's surrogacy story. And why does every woman who walks into Forrester, born that way or transitioned, want to be a model there? Nicole should remember that less than a year ago, she blackmailed Maya into giving her the same modeling gig she just got Sasha removed from. And why did Sasha think she was getting her big break? Her session was only ever meant to be a test shoot.

Cut to Papa Julius, who makes noise about being unemployed but stands around putting in his hotel room. Why isn't he looking for work? And didn't Vivienne interview at the DMV? It's way more costly to stay in a hotel for weeks on end than it is to just get an apartment. I can't help feeling for poor Vivienne, who's going to get her world rocked when she finds out Sasha is Julius' daughter. That's your Sasha story.

While Carter and Zende worked out in the Forrester Sky Lounge again (how about showing them doing something else occasionally? And it took day player Veronica to point out that Rick was casting models without Ridge's approval!), Julius gave Sasha a wad of cash and told her to bus it back to Illinois. Was that the money Maya slipped into Vivienne's purse at Thanksgiving? 'Cuz you know Papa J ain't got Benjamins like that.

Instead, Sasha had not one, but two conversations with Zende about how she overheard Nicole (who's developed Forrester Creations' habit of leaving doors ajar during sensitive conversations) asking Rick to kill her chance to be supermodel of the world. Before you could say "RuPaul," Nicole walked in and apologized for letting insecurity get the better of her, even though Nicole had clearly seen her BFF making eyes at her man.

We were told that Sasha has a competitive streak, especially where Nicole is concerned. Told. Isn't the writers' mantra "show, don't tell"? And enough of people leaving doors open, overhearing things, and repeating the same three chunks of dialogue over and over for days at a time. I know we have short attention spans and not all of us tune in every day; maybe we would if we missed something from not watching.

On to Spencer Publications, where Katie Logan Spencer Spencer is bucking to be the champion chump of 2016. Katie can't stop talking about how wonderful it is to work with Brooke; that can only mean Katie will soon be eating her words in the commissary. I'm sorry, how dumb can Katie be? It's one thing to forgive Bill and Brooke for their affair and move on, but purposely having them work in super-close proximity? Oh, Katie.

Of course the horny Bill, who fantasized about Brooke three times this week (not surprising when you consider this all started with him leering over her breasts at dinner long before Brill started), will be led by his divining rod, and Katie will have yet another heart attack. I really hope I'm wrong about that. If Storm knew his heart would constantly give out over Katie's poor choice in husbands, he'd have donated it to Donna instead.

Seriously! Katie keeps talking about how complete her life is, but where's Donna? Aside from daddy Stephen, who's been hiding out in Dallas the last several years, Donna is the only other living relative Katie has now besides Brooke. So Brooke, who just weeks ago refused to work with Bill because of her still-existent feelings for the Stallion, rolls out with a feature called "The Power of the Kiss." If Brooke really wanted to cement her non-Brill boundary, how about "The Power of the Lukewarm Handshake"?

I guess I can't blame Brooke for Bill not being able to get up from his desk. Brooke is at least trying to work, coming up with legitimately sound ideas about supercharging Eye on Fashion with behind-the-scenes-on-the-runway layouts that should have been no-brainers to Liam, whom Brooke didn't want to edge out. Wait. Was Liam EoF's editor the entire time he was president of Spencer and VP at Forrester?

I didn't know whether to be relieved or dismayed when Bill, Brooke, and Katie's conversation turned to Liam and his love life. We can't focus on Brill's tension every time they're on-screen, but B&B parents talking about their children's relationships is so 2011-2012. I was having shudder-worthy Leffy/Lope flashbacks, though it was clever how Bill kept using Liam's situation as analogies for his own. That saved it, I admit.

Bill couldn't take the rush in his skinny jeans anymore and confessed that he lied when he said he didn't still think of Brooke -- he most assuredly did. At least Brooke could relieve her own pressure by crying (you know it's serious when it's two streams instead of her lone, trademark tear), which helped her to admit she should never have told Bill about her continuing longings. Brooke resisting a man? Call Guinness World Book.

Don Diamont had some very interesting things to say about the state of his relationships with Katie, Brooke...and Steffy! And he promises Brill Part Deux will have a different spin. This week also saw the casting of Y&R alum Chris McKenna, though we don't know yet who he'll be inhabiting on B&B. I've heard some rumblings that he might be there to pick up Katie's pieces. He could pick up mine, that's all I'm gonna say!

One wonders, though, if Quinn might factor into Dollar Bill's stable of seductresses. The almost sword murderer conceded to Wyatt that she's only ever loved Spencer men...because she and Deacon have separated! Yes, you read right! Deacon is in Europe, reportedly seeing Hope in Monte Carlo, since that's where Brooke said Miss Perfect Wedding was hanging her veil these days. Deacon. Is. Gone?!

Something is not right in the state of...well, wherever you're reading this. As Wyatt pointed out, Deacon and Quinn seemed fine at Thanksgiving. Ah, but the Sharpes were only putting on a good show, Quinn elaborated. If there was trouble in Hades (good one, Wyatt!), why didn't we get to see it?

Splitting DeQuinn off-camera is a total cheat -- much like when Donna suddenly announced she and Justin were divorcing, or the plural instances Taylor and Thorne hit the skids, but not on-screen. Would it have been that challenging to write a couple of scenes with Quinn and Deacon having problems and ending them with Deacon walking out? He couldn't afford to get to Europe, anyway; he's broke.

Like many of you, I thought perhaps Sean Kanan was frustrated by his lack of storyline, but I hear tell he's got some juicy stuff coming up. You know, Rick was the one who brought Deacon to town in the first place 16 years ago, and they've never had a scene together this go-round; that could be good. And where is their hotly contested Little Eric/Little D, who wouldn't be so little anymore, even without SORAS? Ah, such rich-in-history stories just collecting dust somewhere.

Quinn's sudden sojourn into singleness explains why she refused to get off the Steffy train, even with Wyatt thankfully reminding her there were other subjects in life. Again I ask, why does Quinn want Wyatt with Steffy? Steffy's in love with Liam and would be some time after a breakup, not to mention just three weeks ago, Wyatt proposed to Ivy. Soaps shouldn't send the message that rebounds are healthy; I can tell you they're not!

And the contrivances the show cooked up to separate Liam and Steffy keep a'comin', with Liam refusing to tell Steffy he's shipping out because he caught Wyatt and Steffy in bed. I call BS on Steffy; if you're in love with one man, do you let yourself have cuddles with another? I can see Steffy scratching her head, thinking Liam was penalizing her for hospitalizing Ivy; why would Liam clam up about the real reason? Silly, silly, silliness.

I must say, though, there's definitely something sexy about Strong Liam. I mean, he's always cute even when he's at his most wussy, but when he gets a backbone, I can feel the testosterone through the TV. Unfortunately, this show of strength lost points when Liam resigned from Forrester because of his travails with Steffy. Why does everyone on this show quit the company when their personal lives tank? Talk about childish.

Liam and Steffy cleared up the nonsense about Liam flying Ivy to Australia, but Steffy compounded it by telling Liam she'd know he was still committed to her if he met her at home. I think a scene got cut, because later Liam had audio flashbacks on that theme with important words that Steffy never said. Meanwhile, Quinn pushed Wyatt to console Steffy, assuring him that it all starts with friendship. On this show? Since when?

It has become standard practice for characters to sustain physical injuries and then just bounce back as if they were Jack Bauer on 24, or Wile E. Coyote after getting blown up by the Road Runner. So it was refreshing that Liam still had dizzy spells weeks after his ridiculous fall on Air Cranium. He'd better sue, because he phased out while fending off Quinn then fainted and smacked his head again on the way down!

You know, maybe this explains Liam's never-ending waffling. Liam did hit his head while drunk with Amber Moore in 2010, and he sustained a concussion when her trailer blew up in 2011. Even then, I thought Liam suddenly giving Hope's engagement ring to Steffy was born from his head injuries. He had his third on the plane and number four in the CBS -- ahem, Forrester parking lot. Maybe everything stems from his knocked noggin!

That would be a great plot twist, and it would capitalize on past events by tying them into current events, which we don't get enough of; mostly we have folks going on as if things behind them never happened. Though we got something most delicious when Quinn loaded the unconscious Liam into his car (she must have had her Wheaties that morning) and drove off with him to parts unknown!

Turns out Quinn has a convenient cabin in Topanga Canyon! Now, how many of you flashed back to when Sheila kidnapped Lauren and stashed her in her mother's farmhouse in 1992? The interesting thing here was, Quinn kept wanting to wake Liam up and scoured the Internet for information about concussions. But wait, Quinn wanted to keep Liam from Steffy so Wyatt could take a shot at her. Which was it?

We often get beach montages in the middle of January to remind us how all that California is (recall Hott's lovemaking campout on the beach two Januaries ago), even though Steffy and Wyatt would be freezing their asses off out there because it is comparatively chilly this time of year. Yet as soon as Steffy got her "I'm not coming" text from "Liam," she hustled into a bikini and played beach blanket bingo with Wyatt!

So many things wrong there. If I were on the verge of breaking up, the last thing I would want to do is go to a damn beach. And Wyatt needs to be slapped. He always seems to want Liam's leftovers! First Hope, then Ivy; Steffy rounds out this hand-me-down triptych. Hasn't he heard of match.com? Hell, I'm sure Veronica would love a shot at Wyatt, and we already know he's an equal opportunity kisser.

At least Steffy got some karma for faking Brooke's text messages all those years ago. And while Wyatt and Steffy concluded their corny surfing, drone-flying montage, the real action took place in Topanga, where Quinn deliberated calling 9-1-1 for Liam. She actually seemed to care about him -- quite a change from once sitting atop him to impale him with a sword. Then Liam woke up, sort of, and kissed Quinn's hand. Doctor, doctor! Can't you see I'm burnin', burnin'!

Will Liam and Quinn finally act on their latent sexual energy, really throwing Steffy for a loop? Will we get back to Nicole discovering she wants to keep Rick's baby for herself? And will Bill just take one of his magazines to the bathroom already and get it over with? Dispense your prescriptions in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

• "It's gonna be so fun to see Julius catch hell from Viv and get his comeuppance. When he came to town he judged the Forresters [and] Maya for their 'lifestyles' but he's [been] running his own personal scandal and mayhem for decades [in Illinois]. What a farce...[the] Avants have the makings of a true soap...[and] stop wasting the talents of Carter. Tie him in somehow." -- Donna

• "Here are things I can see from a mile away: (1) Ivy/Wyatt/Steffy/Liam [will] switch partners; (2) Brooke & Bill are going to stare longingly at each other and try to suppress their passion (and probably have repetitive conversations about not hurting Katie); and, (3) Sasha & Zende are going to hook up and try to hide it from Nicole. How I wish B&B could surprise me again like they did with Maya's trans reveal!" -- Diana

Time to make another appointment with Points to Ponder!

Let's talk offices. Why is Rick working out of Ridge's office -- and where is Ridge these days, anyway? Apparently Bill's office has a supply of clean clothes, which just happen to fit Liam. Never mind that said blue-checkered shirt totally isn't Bill's style. And why are Katie and Brooke working away in Bill's office when they have workspaces of their own? So Bill can stare at the Logan sisters and deliberate between them?

How did Quinn know Liam had a concussion? And only Dr. Quinn could jolt Liam out of unconsciousness by kicking him in the armpit, since kicking his foot like a tire didn't help... "I don't even know if he's coming back to Spencer," Bill said of Liam. So Liam told Katie he was resigning from Forrester but not if he was staying with his original job?

"Steffy is the vice president!" Quinn reminded Liam. No, that's Liam's job, such as it is/was; Steffy is the president who frolics on beaches instead of working. And Liam growled to Steffy that he was turning his resignation in to Ridge; moments later, Katie reported that Liam had handed it in...

Hard to believe Carter is so anti-surrogacy when he encouraged Zende to stand by Nicole in the beginning... What if Liam had woken up while Quinn was driving from Beverly Hills to Topanga, which even in good traffic takes about an hour? And are there no security cameras in Forrester's parking lot to catch Quinn laboriously dragging Liam into his car?... "It's our home that we share together," Steffy cried to Liam, regarding the cliff house. It was his home with Hope and Ivy, too. Has that never bothered her? It's not like Liam redecorates with each new live-in...

Apparently B&B has dropped anchor with Gilligan's Island veteran Dawn Wells. I'm much more interested in this current three-hour tour with Quinn and Liam. Will they go down with the ship? I'll see you all again in two weeks, and remember: keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold!

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