So much for dead and buried

Your favorite B&B characters need better shovels! Caroline and Thomas vowed to bury their lovemaking while Ivy and Steffy agreed to bury their video-related animosity, but both issues came back to life like so many zombies. Take heed, Ridge: burying your vasectomy ain't gonna net better results! Unearth the soapiness with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you want to tie the knot without mentioning you got your tubes tied? Did you find that other people's relationships were more interesting than your own? Did your newfound career get deleted along with your video? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant clan this week!

Mike here again with you, Scoopers! I came across a great phrase just now: "You can't bury the hatchet but leave the handle sticking out." Such imagery perfectly describes the bold and beautiful goings-on as our on-screen friends made pacts to bury their boo-boos, only to rip them right back out of the ground. And certainly Ridge will have to do a guest turn on The Walking Dead after Caroline finds out he buried his reproductive abilities! Forget the Scoops this week -- we're gonna need shovels!

Amazingly, the most innocuous cliffhanger of the year -- would Wyatt delete Ivy's video or not? -- grew into a rather fascinating series of admissions between the warring Forrester females. Confessing that he himself had been acting from a place of anger toward Liam and Steffy, Wyatt asked Ivy if she even thought about Aly or what Miss F stood for: family, truth, etc. That penetrated Ivy's ridiculous contention that she had been an "eyewitness to the whole thing" (which she wasn't), prompting her to admit she had been preoccupied with Liam and hadn't seen how much Aly had needed help. Wow!

Ivy may get a crack at returning to redeemable status after that. It's true: no one took Aly's rantings seriously. Still makes you wonder why Ivy saw Aly's hate board, followed her up the highway, then filmed the altercation with Steffy instead of stopping it, but at least Ivy conceded she knew Steffy didn't intentionally kill Aly. With that, Ivy pushed Wyatt out of the way and deleted all copies of the incriminating video herself.

But lo, what was up with that slight smile on Ivy's face as everyone kissed and made up? Though I still think it's wack that any uploading service would make it possible to delete all copies of a video on all devices (the file first has to be uploaded to the service from somewhere!), I bet Ivy still has a copy for safe-keeping. Her capitulation was far too easy. With the deletion supposedly complete, Wivy certainly seemed realer than ever before. Might they actually make a decent couple now?

The next day, Steffy suddenly announced that Lt. Baker had closed the investigation into Aly's death! In what lifetime? To say nothing of the police never finding the tire iron, determining whether Aly's fatal injury came from the iron or a rock, or any other such forensic detail that even the suckiest cop show would tackle. Oh, and yeah, Baker also called Thorne with this news! That original character Thorne Forrester has been kept off-screen following the death of his only daughter is the real crime here.

However, I am enjoying the prevalence of another original character, Ridge Forrester, even without Ridge's original face. The formerly chiseled designer does have a history of sweep-you-off-your-feet marriage proposals (Bill wasn't wrong when he snarked that Ridge probably has a drawer full of engagement rings!), but getting down on one knee for Caroline was one of Ridge's better ones. Caroline gushed about the size of the rock, so Ridge told her to "shut up and marry me."

Linsey Godfrey tweeted that she and Thorsten Kaye improvised that romantic moment! CaRidge is so natural and relatable, I can't help wondering how much of their scenes are improv; obviously, the chemistry is real. Despite some coming with annulments and dissolutions through deaths both assumed and real, Ridge Forrester has been married ten times according to our character profiles. Maybe eleven will be the charm!

That's a hedge bet, considering Ridge and Caroline are each entering into marriage not only carrying secrets that are bigger than Caroline's diamond, but amidst a kind of cold war opposition from all sides. Steffy told Caroline she was happy for her, but privately, Ridge got an earful from his daughter. "You didn't want this," Steffy said of Ridge's renewed desire to procreate, "and Caroline knew that." But Ridge shut Steffy down by asking her if she'd thought things through when she wanted to reunite with Liam. Oh, you quiet now, Steffy! Mmm-hmm!

Bill and Katie weren't having it, either. Are they not high-level executives at Spencer Publications? With Liam constantly out, who's minding the store? All Batie gets to do anymore is show up at Forrester and comment about the situation du jour. Naturally, Bill was more vocal than Katie, spouting Dollar-isms such as, "Do you realize you're going to be pushing him to high school graduation in a wheelchair?" and "Did the craft store run out of the red string?" Oh, snap! And Katie's expression was pure "I wore that damn thing all through looking for you in Abu Dhabi and she gets a diamond?" Priceless.

Bill came back a second day in a row for more not-so-pleasantries, calling Ridge a predator and telling Caroline, "I don't want him to do to you what he did to [Katie] and Brooke and Taylor!" That's the thing about Bill -- he's an ass, but he does rather call it like it is. By this time, Katie was so on board with her ex marrying Caroline that she even offered to babysit the future Forrester, but Bill, whose declaration that he thinks of Caroline as a daughter sits just a bit funny, told Ridge, "Don't screw it up."

That honor may go to Thomas, who only got through one episode this week without flashing back to his questionable romp with Caroline. Okay, I get it: not everyone watches every episode, and B&B wants to keep viewers in the loop. But enough with the retread already! We're not dumb; if we're watching, we know Thomas and Caroline had drunken, drugged, not-necessarily-consensual sex. The constant reminders via Thomas just make him look obsessive. Which probably isn't far off the mark.

I knew the matter of whether Caroline consented to sex would be a hot-button topic, and I wasn't wrong. While all of you agree that, given all the variables, it was neither the time nor the place for Thomas to instigate sex, your comments last week run the full gamut -- some of you call it rape, some say Caroline absolutely didn't consent, others say she inferred it by kissing Thomas back. And one reader took me to task, saying I needed to "educate [myself] on rape and consent."

Perhaps so -- as a gay man, I am not entirely clear on what consent means for women, outside of the obvious. Plus, it seems to me the parameters of what defines consent have tightened over the years. And I'm all about that! Now, Thomas should have known not to bust a move -- he knew he was drunk, and that Caroline was also. He also knew Caroline was still professing her love for Ridge, despite having just been dumped by him. Thomas didn't know about the pills, but he didn't need to; his timing sucked all the way around.

But I can see how Caroline kissing Thomas back might have implied consent to him. All right, consent should have come from Caroline directly, and her being incapacitated to such a degree kept her from vocalizing a definite yes or no. Yet even the dictionary defines rape as "the crime...of forcing another person to have sexual intercourse with the offender against their will." So to say Thomas raped Caroline seems extreme to me. Thomas was still wrong, but from what we saw on screen, that doesn't make him a rapist. Caroline didn't pass out until after the deed was done, so we're told.

Anyway, Ridge invited Thomas over the second time in one day (at least the script had both Thomas and Caroline scratching their heads over this!), and Thomas soon found himself Ridge's best man. Caroline looked like she wanted to hork but went along with Ridge's reverie -- after all, where else but on B&B can your former boyfriend become your stepson? As Ridge ran out for some bubbly, Thomas and Caroline had another pointed discussion about consent. Not using the word "rape," Thomas asked, "Do you ever think I would do something so horrible?"

Caroline could only answer "no," and told Thomas they had to bury the subject once and for all -- Ridge finding out would ruin everything for both of them. As I said last week, Ridge set all this in motion by dumping Caroline in the first place; the issue of consent notwithstanding, Caroline was perfectly free to sleep with someone else overall. So Ridge had better not even.

This is where Thomas and Caroline discovered that hatchet handle sticking up, because instead of keeping their infamous night buried as they swore to, they talked about it anyway, with Caroline blurting out that she'd thought she might have been pregnant! Oh, you know where this is going, Scoopers. Caroline will learn she's pregnant right after marrying Ridge, and probably carry the baby to term (or not; this is B&B, after all), and some medical emergency will reveal that Ridge's reversed vasectomy failed where Thomas' vas deferens succeeded.

Oh, I know -- Ridge hasn't gotten his junk repaired yet, as Brooke made sure to remind him. In fact, the seven-time Mrs. Forrester dropped loaded hints in front of Caroline like they were Reese's Pieces meant for E.T. "If you don't tell her," Brooke threatened as the confused Caroline looked on, "I will!" Maybe Brooke is really settling into this matriarch role after all. Isn't that just the sort of coercion tactic Stephanie would have used?

Yet, you really couldn't argue with Brooke's logic. Caroline does have every right to go into a marriage with all the information about her new husband, and Ridge's assertion that "I haven't told her because she's been through enough and I don't want to worry her" is just lame. Maybe Brooke shouldn't interfere, but her schooling Ridge about the situation from the perspective of a woman and a mother was on point.

You know, I can't help thinking how much more interesting CaRidge's baby conflict would have been if, instead of Ridge having had a secret vasectomy and keeping quiet about it, which makes him look like a butt, he would have found out that falling out of the helicopter in Abu Dhabi also rendered him infertile. No need for Thomas to be an interloper then, and CaRidge would be forced to really question if they could go on without having children.

Ridge told Brooke the vasectomy subject was buried (yeah, ask Caroline and Thomas how effective burying things is) then declared to Caroline that they were getting married today! In Malibu! Not exactly the height of originality, Ridge -- you married Brooke on the beach in Malibu back in 1994. Wouldn't it be great if Brooke found out and rolled her eyes? Now there's a flashback waiting to happen.

In the middle of all this hoopla, we got a brief glimpse of Zende and Nicole, who seem to exist solely for the purpose of commenting on other couples, just like Bill and Katie. "This is a place of business," Thomas reminded the interns, "and we should get back to it." Amen! Besides, the obvious attempt to give the young not-couple airtime only succeeds in reminding us that they're not a couple.

The only moment that popped with Nicole and Zende was when they finally hinted at their own chemistry instead of worrying about everyone else's. "If I have to pull it out of you," Nicole cooed to Mr. Forrester-Dominguez, "what's the point?" Word! These two generate a nice little spark, which gets dimmed every time they get pulled into drama that has nothing to do with them. How about giving the star-crossed interns their own story? Why can't all the backburnered characters get their own story?

At least Ivy's intention to move forward after deleting her video seemed genuine as she gussied herself up for her first photo shoot as the New Face of Forrester. But hold up -- that new face was about to get an even newer face! Steffy sauntered in, sent the interns packing, and said the shoot was shot. She wasn't going to reward Ivy for blackmailing her by letting Ivy keep the modeling gig!

Even Ivy said she'd thought the foursome had agreed to bury the incident, but Steffy grabbed that hatchet handle out of the ground and swung it like it was a tire iron. She was going to be the New Face of Forrester, because she'd done it before. (No, she hasn't! She only ever modeled the Intimates line!) Not only that, but Steffy clearly wanted to serve up a heapin' helpin' of payback -- as president of Forrester, Steffy informed Ivy that she was fired! Eighty-sixed! Pink-slipped! Buh-BYE!

Well, that's not going to go over well! Granted, Steffy has a right to mistrust Ivy after being blackmailed, but Ms. Cha-Cha-Cha enjoyed lording it over the saucy Aussie, and Liam was just as pompous about it. Nope, Steffy agreed to bury things with Ivy, then came back and dug 'em up with a bulldozer. Not your best move, Steffy, because Wyatt doesn't look like he's about to take that lying down -- nor Ivy, who likely still has the video somewhere. If Ivy were smart, she'd go back to Pacific Coast Highway and root around for the tire iron Steffy chucked! It's got Steffy's fingerprints all over it, and, if Aly's blood is on it - pay dirt!

Will secret-keepers Ridge and Caroline marry in haste but repent in leisure? Will Wyatt and Ivy see Steffy's revenge and raise her a trip to the police station? Will Pam ever realize her antianxiety meds are missing? Dig up your deepest thoughts in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

• "In taking a combination of alcohol and prescription drugs, it's very easy for the person to not only have a complete blackout but never remember what happened...at no time did [Caroline] express any interest in Thomas other than as her good buddy. She was also in no shape to actually consent to sex at that point...I think Caroline has every right to feel violated by Thomas." -- "Anwenn"

• "...The pills COMBINED with the alcohol would make [Caroline] far from fit to consent...that's like someone having sex with a minor. Even if the minor consents, it's statutory rape. So even if Caroline looked at [Thomas] seductively, she was legally in no place to consent." -- Sophia

• "Both [Thomas and Caroline] were drunk and from what I saw Caroline was a participant. She kissed him back and the episode was over. So [we] don't know if she was passed out. How did she get out of her clothes? She took them off like he took off his. I'm not blaming her and she's not a victim. Victims don't willingly help their attackers. Caroline was very comfortable with Thomas." -- "Pretty Brown Round"

• "Even though I love Thomas he was wrong to think that Caroline would jump to have sex so soon after her and Ridge broke up. But I blame Brooke...[she] has been the one pushing Thomas toward Caroline, making him think that something can come out of it. She was the one who told Thomas it was over and he should go to [Caroline]...Brooke and Thomas had no respect for [CaRidge's] union." -- "Sandee77"

• "I'm a diehard CaRidge fan but I wouldn't call Thomas a rapist. I would call him a disgusting pig that took advantage...didn't he see [Caroline] losing consciousness when he leaned in?" -- "callieab"

• "I just don't get why anyone would want a baby with Ridge. He already has four children he completely ignored. Does he really need a fifth? Steffy and Thomas both have ginormous chips on their shoulders from Ridge ditching Taylor and them for Brooke and does Ridge even remember R.J.?" -- Lowell

All very good points. Like the kind you'll find in Points to Ponder!

"I could work across the hall if you like," Brooke told Thomas. What exactly does Ms. Logan do at Forrester these days?... "Not a day goes by I don't think of your sister," Ridge assured Steffy, speaking of the departed Phoebe. And if Ridge didn't remember R.J., Caroline did; her worrying that the boy would be upset about his father marrying her and/or having another sibling was a nice touch...

Thomas sketched up a storm in the Design Office. When did the room get that title? It's always just been Ridge's office... Subtle but keen bit of detail that Caroline tore up Ridge's wedding dress design, with Ridge wordlessly getting the reference to him tearing up Thomas' work. But how exactly does Ridge think he's going to marry Caroline without a minister? Unless he simply means having an officiant, like Carter or Nick...

"The press releases have already gone out!" Wyatt wailed after Steffy booted Ivy as the New Face of Forrester. Steffy, the former head of PR, should have been the first to put that bit of business before pleasure. Then, being told that shutterbug Oliver was nowhere to be found, Steffy added, "I told him not to come in." He hasn't been in, except for not even getting to speak during Aly's wannabe memorial. You'd think Oliver would get a chance to mourn his dead girlfriend on-screen!

Chanel will be with you the next few weeks, as I'm going to be traveling for professional, personal, and family reasons -- plus I have a date with Madonna, along with several thousand other people. What B&B will I find myself coming back to? Ah, my Scoopers, it's truer than it ever was: keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold!

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