The icing on the wedding cake

Quickie marriages, quickie kisses, and quickie reunions -- our Bold and Beautiful damsels have the men in their lives in distress! The actions of our beloved characters have some viewers cheering, some gushing, and some sending out distress calls. Find out who the real heroes and damsels are and who gets their hero and damsel licenses revoked this week on The Bold and the Beautiful.

Ever travel to Memory Lane and find a big "Road Closed" sign there? Ever wake up as an eligible bachelor but wind up dragging a ball and chain to bed? Maybe your toothbrush is no longer welcome in its holder at your boyfriend's house. Are you fed up with your brother but still in line for his leftovers? Always the weddings officiant but never the groom? If so, you're feeling the pain of most of our L.A. residents this week.While Hope Logan is probably having popcorn and Champagne on her still-not-ex-husband's yacht and laughing at the women still stupid enough wait in line for the mind-bender ride of Liam Spencer's love life, let's separate the heroes from the zeros and the damsels in distress from the ones causing stress this week on B&B.

Too many trips down memory lane landed one damsel flat on her face when Liam forced Steffy to stop playing with toy parachutes and mood rings and invited her to step right up and ride the "Spencer Mind Bender." At first, Liam loves you and won't lose you. Next, he wants you to be a memory, not make memories. You never know the twists and turns on the Spencer Mind Bender, but one thing Hope figured out a long time ago is that his love just isn't good enough. Good luck with that, Steffy and Ivy.

First off, it seems that, under Ridge's leadership, it's become Risky Business at Forrester, and everyone's sliding across the floors in their underwear instead of slipping on the sweat of their hard work. The steam room's even open again, and the executives are more concerned about the bottom lines of their relationships than Forrester's bottom line.

Steffy's dreaming of signing Liam's underwear and making insta-power-points of pictures that should have been buried in an old computer in the attic. Meanwhile, Ivy's running around like Chicken Little, squawking that her boyfriend's ex is back, and her relationship's in trouble. She's got that right.

Steffy couldn't even eat for obsessing about Aspen -- as if those two days were the only days of her and Liam's relationship and as if the years following never happened. She wants to relieve every moment of the past, but she should have been careful of what she wished for. With Liam's new marriage, the past just started repeating itself, and this time, the role of Hope is now being played by Steffy. Steffy's got selective-flashback syndrome. When I stroll down her memory lane, I remember more than Aspen. I remember Liam wanting to divorce her after her mountainside wedding of the year. I remember that after she forced him to wait six months to do it, he still did it and was okay with her being Hope's bridesmaid in Italy! I remember Steffy falling off an ATV and Liam taking comfort in Hope while Steffy lay in a hospital bed. I remember Liam preparing to have sex with Steffy and to run off with her while in Italy, but she wound up falling off a cliff as he married Hope.

As for the stale truffle fries, I remember that while Steffy was paying for the fries, Liam was thinking a blonde he saw was Hope, and then he was making secret plans to meet Hope at what became Steffy's ambush wedding site. I also remember Steffy bringing her Fertile Myrtle self to town twice to start again with Liam, but he turned her down for Hope the first time and Ivy the second. Remember her crawling all over Liam in a bikini that day, selling her body for stock? After seeing that, you'd swear that Taylor had sat on another of Brooke's eggs, and Steffy is actually Brooke's daughter.

On the other hand, Ivy's been getting nothing but reassuring signals from Liam, no matter what her "Spencer senses" were telling her about Liam and Steffy. Ivy did everything right. She was careful getting into a relationship with Liam. She didn't sleep with him for months. In fact, the night they slept together for the first time, the following was their dialogue:

Liam: I'll always stand up for you. Against Rick or Maya or Quinn or anyone. I mean, I'll -- I'll -- I'll do whatever it takes. I'll jump into rivers. I'll shove C.E.O.s. because you... you're the one who came into my life and taught me that caring about a woman doesn't have to be a struggle, and it doesn't have to be about overcoming obstacles all the time. I mean, you... reminded me... that love can be fun.Ivy: Well, it is when you find the right person. I think I found that person.Liam: I know I have. Come here. The quote comes from January 22, 2015, and the pair has been so-called dating since November 2014 -- which, by the way, is another reason Steffy needs to get off Berry Island. When she heard about Liam's wedding, she said, "You just started dating her." Steffy called it insane, but if it's insane, then Steffy must be psychotic for not dating Liam at all before taking a used engagement ring and marrying him on a mountain the next day. Did Steffy and Liam ever date? Or was dating what they were during his on-again, off-again engagements to Hope?

As boring as they are to me, Ivy and Liam were in settled-down, couch-cuddling, wine-sipping love. In fact, about Steffy, Liam told Ivy, "Tempting? Uh... maybe, but not -- not in the way that you're thinking. ... yeah, I suppose it can be tempting to get lost in what could have been, and... if I didn't have you, maybe I would have, but... I do have you. And I wouldn't have it any other way."

After Steffy left town when the stock agreement fell through, Ivy was still trying to make sure of his feelings. He said, "Listen, I want control of Forrester Creations. I want it bad. I want it for Caroline. I want it for you. But...I don't know. Having it all -- there is no 'having it all' if I don't have you." Now he gets control of Forrester, and it's the worst thing for her. How ironic.

Ivy even asked Liam about Aly seeing Steffy kiss him in the office on their wedding day -- before they knew it was their wedding day. Liam just shoved another berry in Ivy's mouth and acted like the kiss meant nothing. Up until the point Ivy learned that her immigration issue is a non-issue, I can't blame her for wanting to marry Liam and have it work. He begged her to move in, he gave her a toothbrush, and if I'm not mistaken, she also has Caroline's old key to the house. Who's "just dating" in a situation like that?

I have no problems blaming Ivy if, now that she can walk away with her job and American life, she still won't let Liam's sorry ass go. If she lets him put another berry in her mouth -- especially after she witnessed the drama at the house Friday -- I'm deporting her off Berry Island myself and straight to Milan for relationship rehab.

As for Steffy, she said she had a few things in store for Liam and wanted to remind him how they were together. That freaking slap did all that and more for viewers, didn't it! She put all her pain into that one. Before the smack felt around the world (a smack that Scott Clifton reported as real via Twitter), I would have told Steffy that she already waited two years to get him back and make it to the next sweeps week, standing on her head. For Steffy, waiting one more second was too long. She spat out her berries and decided to smack Liam into the next sweeps week instead of waiting for time and plot to happen to them all.

I don't advocate Beverly Hills violence. Perfect plastic surgery matters, and they need to stop messing up works of art. Seriously, how many people got smacked down this month or in the last six weeks? This isn't MMA. Next week, maybe Ivy and Steffy will be cage-fighting to the death for Liam's heart.

I detest gratuitous violence, but I can appreciate a deserved, fictional smack. No one but Rick deserves it better than Liam, a man who's been divorced enough times to know that marriage doesn't come with a seven-day lemon law clause or any return/exchange policy. He also knows you shouldn't date your wife and girlfriend at the same time.

Where was Bill to throw a towel or an anvil at Liam's head before Liam entered into this limited partnership marriage with no prenup? Bill didn't even know about it because he was too busy parenting his other berry-la-la-land son, Wyatt. Wyatt thinks Bill favors Liam over him, but up to now, Bill probably thought Liam just had more sense than anyone raised by Quinn. We'll see if he still feels that way once he hears Liam got married, had no pre-nup, and didn't bother to investigate first. Bill tried to save Wyatt from his flight to Berry Island but didn't realize that Quinn was already paddling Wyatt there by boat. I thought I saw Wyatt's balls finally drop when he told his mother that he liked Steffy, but he wouldn't go down Hopeless Road again. He claimed that he'd only be with Steffy if she wanted to be with him and if Liam isn't available.

Even though Steffy might claim to want Wyatt, and Liam is technically unavailable, Wyatt will still be on Hopeless Road. Liam will still be the third person in the relationship. Liam will spend more time listening at doors and decking Wyatt than he will at work. Wyatt should have jumped at Ridge's offer to set him up with one of Caroline's friends rather than trying to distract Steffy from her snow globes, stale truffle fries, and Bob Hope reruns.

It seems that Ridge can't tell Wyatt anything, and Bill can't tell Wyatt anything. Wyatt wants to be distressed over Steffy. He'd better learn to love Bob Hope if he plans to keep Liam's seat by the TV warm.

Unsurprisingly, Liam doesn't like his exes to have a spare man hanging around. If Liam wants to keep Wyatt at bay, the perfect Wyatt-deterrent is Bu. Liam can ask Steffy to keep Bu, and he can say "a-choo!" to his Wyatt competition problem.

I blame Steffy for the way Liam is. She taught him that she's the best friend that rescues him from everything. Isn't that what she said this week? That she'd set out to save him? Instead of making excuses for his marriage, he should have blamed Steffy for not showing up to bust up the wedding as she had done in the past. If she'd waltzed into the wedding like she normally waltzes into his house, maybe they'd be together, and Ivy would be the one crying. Steffy knows full well what happens when she's not in Liam's ear, telling him what to do.

Am I seriously blaming Steffy? Not any further than being the idiot who enabled him. He still has a brain, even if he doesn't plug it into the reality socket. Liam is the one who willingly stood up there before God, Allah, Zeus, and my grandma's spirit to pledge to love, honor, and cherish Ivy till death do they part. Those are serious vows, and they are ones he needs to take very seriously -- especially if Quinn is involved.

A damsel in need makes Liam a sucker indeed. I've got news for Liam, the Justice League just called, and they want their cape back. After this major relationship belly flop, He can give the boots back, too, because they don't fit fins.

There is hope for Liam. No, not Hope Logan. I mean, there's hope because he can star in two upcoming reality shows, Flipper or Chicken and Waffles. He can also audition for the Back to the Future remake. In that movie, he can save himself by going back to 2010 to make it so he never came to town. Hell, he can even go back to that magical night that his parents had sex and save himself from being born! He'd fade from all the Aspen flashbacks, and Steffy can finally move on with her life. So can Hope and Ivy, for that matter, and the best part is that no new woman will ever be subjected to his two-timing heart.

Seriously, there cannot be a single human that wouldn't rather succumb to Lex Luther than receive Liam's help. Getting saved by Liam isn't like a romantic, nighttime Superman ride in the sky. Usually, when Liam helps, someone else's life gets shattered, or the damsel in distress becomes the emotionally distressed damsel.

For example, Liam took off on Steffy to "save" Hope from Thomas in Cabo. Steffy fell off an ATV and wound up with a "blood clot," and Hope had to wait around until Liam could divorce his wife. While rushing to meet Hope, Liam had to save Ivy from the Seine. Hope wound up emotionally distressed, and Ivy wound up waiting in the wings for Liam to get over Hope's marriage to Wyatt.

Liam rushed into a marriage to save Ivy, Steffy wound up emotionally distressed, and now Ivy is distressed and waiting for Liam to get over Steffy and participate in the marriage. Steffy exposed her vulnerabilities and told him that he should have been saving her. What does he do? He offers to "unsave" Ivy now that he realizes how much he hurt and disappointed Steffy. Ivy sees the turmoil and offers to save Liam from the "runaway" girls of the past. Aih-ya-yahee!

I'm starting to believe it when Wyatt told Liam, "she wouldn't have drowned," while discussing how Liam had "lost" Hope due to saving Ivy. I might be starting to believe that Hope would have been just fine, drinking on the beach with Thomas, too. Thomas has never been a rapist or terrible guy, but everyone gets hurt when Liam sets himself to savior mode.

Talk about the icing on the wedding cake --Liam turned his life upside down, but Ivy would have been fine without marrying him -- especially since her paperwork mistake got cleared up in less than twenty-four hours. Steffy was right; someone should have investigated before taking the word of Immigration's Barney Fife that Ivy doesn't have dual citizenship. Carter should have at least looked it up on Wikipedia if playing lawyer conflicted with him playing the unwitting wedding officiant.

A look at Ivy's birth certificate or passport might have done the trick. She is supposed to have one, the other, or both administered by the U.S. It's amazing that Forrester had Maya's birth certificate for hiring, but not Ivy's.

If no one had the presence of mind to legally investigate, why didn't anyone use their family resources to sort it out? Liam asked why Ivy didn't use her Forrester resources, Eric, or John to handle Immigration. I wonder why Liam didn't use his direct line to "god" to handle it. Bill called down a whole entire army to find Thomas and Brooke on Berry Island and orchestrated an early prison release for Deacon. Bill probably would have welcomed the chance to stop this marriage.

My burning question is -- why didn't Liam contact koala bears to pick Ivy up at the airport Down Under instead of marrying her? Turning down Ivy's proposal, or at least stalling, would have been the perfect way to break up with Ivy and pursue Steffy. It might have lowered his hero status five levels, but what he did instead by proposing to date-marry Ivy got his tights yanked. What Superman marries the damsel and breaks her heart for the next pretty rerun that comes back around?

Admittedly, Ivy's the most distressed damsel we've ever seen -- as stated by Steffy this week. Maybe three times saved is the limit. Liam saved her from the Seine, saved her from Rick, and now saved her from Immigration. Liam seems to like to save and forget -- you know, kind of like he did that furry skeleton in the corner that used to be Bu the cat. But marriages can't be forgotten. In fact, they take six months to end on this soap. No wonder Steffy turned green and Hulked out when Liam told her what he'd done.

Steffy smash! Her Hulk-out was epic. She even realized that Liam's "love" wasn't enough. She called him out on every nonsensical excuse out of his mouth, and when that jaw swipe still didn't wake him up, she brought his house down. He still didn't get it. He hopped back over to the new damsel and decided, what the hell, might as well give the marriage a go. "You heard Steffy;" she won't wait, so why should he wait?

It's sad that Carter is always a wedding officiant but never a groom, but the cheating Liam has been a groom eight times in a half decade. At this point, he should be on the serial grooms watch list. He should be required to report to his wedding parole officer before taking any more vows. It ought to be illegal for Carter to wed two people while knowing it's to keep one in the country. Can't he lose his license for this? Should a lawyer have knowingly helped these two defraud the government?

Maybe Carter wants his officiant license revoked. That way, he doesn't have to marry Rick and Maya. I guess he wouldn't want to play their guest, witness, photographer, and officiant as if he'd never been engaged to the bride. Carter, I'm going to save you and hereby revoke your ability to perform marriages in Los Angeles.

Another person who needs her license revoked is Brooke. After Quinn pulled a wedding off within an hour -- and all without hitting, pushing, shoving, or stabbing anyone -- there's no need for Brooke to concoct another ceremony for Liam, Hope, or anybody else on the planet.

Yes, Quinn's back from her honeymoon at World's End. She's looking as lovely as ever and acting like a well-adjusted human being. Acting is the key word, but even though she's meddling in Liam's life for Wyatt's benefit -- again -- and even though Wyatt is telling her to stop but whining to her about his desires -- again -- I want to believe she's just minding her cuckoo's nest instead of flying over it.

We just have to remember, where there's Liam, there's usually Quinn's sword, and if Liam can't keep his sword away from Steffy, Quinn might have more surprises in store for him than just a quickie wedding. This is another reason Liam needs his hero license revoked. His Spencer senses picked up nothing after he heard that Quinn had sent the wedding dress and officiant and even though he knows Quinn will ruin his life to get the girl for Wyatt, who Liam knows is sniffing around Steffy.

I want to know how Quinn's honeymoon-planning skills are. Also, where is her husband, and why is she grinning so much without him? I expected to see the happy honeymooners return and to have our badass bride carry her groom over the threshold of their loft before the two slathered cake batter all over each other and whisked up some more naughty fun. Instead, Deacon's nowhere to be found, and no one even asked how her honeymoon was.

Asking where Deacon is automatically leads to the question of Brooke's whereabouts. She hasn't been seen since she subbed for Aly as Rick's hand-and-foot servant. With Brooke and Deacon MIA, maybe Quinn should worry more about her current marital union than forming new ones.

Maybe Brooke and Deacon are getting drunk while skipping an A.A. meeting. Maybe it's a good thing for Ivy that Brooke wasn't around, coordinating Liam's wedding, because no Liam wedding orchestrated by Brooke ever translates into a legal marriage -- even the consummated one.

By the way, Quinn did an awesome job on the dress, too. Ivy's makeup was flawless, and she looked like a modern-day Grace Kelly. Ivy's lucky Carter got out of the building with a "borrowed" couture gown. If Rick had been patrolling the hallways, there ain't no way Carter would have gotten out alive with that bag, and Wyatt wouldn't be making dates for the steam room, either.

The dress caper wasn't so great that I overlooked the fact that two jewelers couldn't produce wedding rings on the fly, though. They get their jewelry licenses revoked because even Steffy came up with mood rings in Aspen. Ridge ripped a ribbon off a teddy bear. Ivy could have pulled some twist ties out of a kitchen drawer, for goodness sake.

Let's hop into that DeLorean, fueled by berry delirium, and try to guess what happens next week. Based on the past, it shouldn't be too hard to get it right.

Liam's latest marriage won't be consummated because Ivy can't get him to do the horizontal wedding waltz. He flopped like a fish out of water from Ivy to Steffy and back to Ivy all within one week. Next week, he'll flip his fin and flop right back Steffy, telling her that he can't lose her. Not exactly an aphrodisiac for sex with Ivy, but Quinn will push her to keep beating that dead fish and keep quiet about already being a citizen. I doubt Ivy will keep her gills shut, and she'll tell Liam the truth.

Wyatt will beat a dead fish of his own as he strives to prove he can be right for Steffy. Bill will probably blow a gasket over Liam's marriage and declare that things like this are why he hasn't given Liam the keys to heaven.

Whip out your Dramamine. The Raya hiatus is over. Look forward to Maya getting all kinds of offers. I guess one is to keep her portrait and matriarch seat. The other might be that Ridge wants her to model, but she won't do it unless Ridge bows down to Rick. Maya and Caroline are supposed to come to some sort of understanding, and I'm curious about what that could be. New and old characters are arriving on Berry Island. We'll see Maya's parents and Kristen's adopted son, Zende -- and Thorne and Darla are set to return. What form will Darla take, I wonder? I'd love for her to be alive. Let us know your thoughts, and as always, stay bold and beautiful, baby!

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