Freak on a leash

This week on B&B, it's all about control, and leashes are a hot commodity in L.A. Every leash deserves a matching collar, according to jewelry artisan Quinn Fuller. Bound by guilt? Chained in history? Shackled by love? Disenfranchised in profession? Quinn has the collar for every L.A. freak on a leash who faces social, economical, professional, or romantic tyranny. Grab your bowls before someone smacks you in the face and orders you to stay away from it, and settle in to discover who wears the collars, who holds the leashes, and just who is walking whom in this freak on a leash parade.

Behavior on the show this week reminded me of the title of a Korn song called "Freak on a Leash." The only problem is, I can't tell who's on the leash -- the viewers or the characters. It was a freak show of uncharacteristic portions where false memories and pod-like characters made me wonder if I was the freak on the leash who just didn't know B&B history or my beloved characters.

From Deacon's false memory of Hope's birth, to Ridge claiming that Eric raised another man's son without complaint, to Eric claiming that Ridge stole Brooke from him, we scoopers need to sort out truth from revisionist history and figure out who's pulling whose chain and who the real freaks are -- the characters, the viewers, or maybe even the writers.

A red mixing whisk, Quinn? What were you and Deacon doing with a --

Never mind. I do not want to know. And if any of you scoopers know, just smile fiendishly without telling me. I imagine there's a sexual abuse claim, with that poor whisk's name on it, just waiting to be filed against Quinn and Deacon.

Apparently, all the freaky-deaky makes a happy home. With Deacon and Quinn, we certainly know who's the freak and who's holding the leash. But for all the games Deacon and Quinn play, the one I really want to learn is how this pair pays bills and eats at swanky restaurants without any income.

From the day Deacon set foot in town, he has not had a job, and I don't think he even lifted a finger to scroll the want ads online. Somehow, Quinn Artisan Jewelers went from a viable jewelry design and manufacturing company to a jewelry manufacturer exclusive to Forrester Creations. Somehow, Quinn can no longer create even a gold chain for anyone else and needs to start a whole new business with Deacon, a.k.a. De-Con. So what fills their coffers?

If I use logic -- and suspend the reality that nothing about this pair is logical -- I'd say Wyatt's breaking them off some money. That's gossamer logic because Wyatt does not approve of Deacon, and we sure as hell can bet Hope isn't sending checks for her mother-in-law to live when Hope's unborn son is dead. Bill ain't letting Deacon sit in Bill's lap of luxury anymore, and with neither of these two working, I have to conclude that the government is on the leash for Deacon and Quinn's dominatrix bliss.

Don't you just love how these two can get takeout from a five-star restaurant on an EBT card? Not only that, Deacon's rolling so deep in government benefits that he can pay Brooke's restaurant tab, too. The food stamps program is keeping them in style with gourmet food and their favorite whiskey. It's a benefits fraud match made in heaven. Wonder if Quinn's scamming for unemployment, too.

Deacon had better find some way to con himself upon some Medicaid or life insurance because playing with Quinn's heart is as dangerous as crawling into a black widow's web during mating season. I'll give him credit for trying to be honest and forthcoming with Quinn about Brooke. That's a new thing for the reformed shyster, but he has obviously forgotten what kind of woman he's dealing with.Deacon was there. He saw Quinn craft a medieval sword to exact revenge upon Liam -- and not because Liam hurt her -- but because he hurt her son. If Deacon thinks he can step out on Quinn without getting more than a red-whisk colon cleanse, he's sadly mistaken.

Once Quinn is done with Deacon, what kind of torture will she have for Brooke? Drowning her in a vat of vodka? That won't work due to simple biology. The body is composed of sixty percent water. Blood is ninety-two percent water, and the brain and muscles are seventy-five percent water. In Brooke's case, her brain is about ninety-two percent vodka, her blood is about seventy-five percent scotch, and her muscles are about twenty percent wine. A pickled body like that won't drown in vodka; it'll soak it in.

Brooke is scraping the bottom of her man barrel. Stuck there on the bottom, like gum on a shoe, is Deacon Sharpe. She gave up Bill, and Ridge is sniffing out a younger blonde. Eric didn't have time to take her to eat a vodka meal or frolic in the pool, so she chose to be alone -- until the unsuspecting Deacon wandered into her midlife crisis.

Deacon still has feelings for Brooke, but Brooke couldn't care less about him while sober. The dancing, inebriated nymph Brooke, however, loves the attention -- even if Quinn's collar is fastened to Deacon's neck. He wandered into Brooke's yard without a leash, and Brooke was happy to play with him, rub his belly, and let him lick her face until it was time for him to trot on home to his owner.

Did you notice that Quinn didn't scold her disobedient pet? That's because pet trainers say you can't scold the pet after it already makes the mess. The pet doesn't correlate the past mistake to the scolding, so you have to catch them in the act or let it go -- so they say. So, instead of scolding him, Quinn gave Brooke the smackdown for trying to borrow Quinn's man like a neighbor borrows a cup of sugar. Quinn ain't sharing her sugar or anything else Deacon offers her.

I have mixed feelings about Quinn going over there and smacking Brooke. First, Brooke didn't ask Deacon to hoist her from her chair like a two-year-old and cart her out of Il Gardino. Somebody needed to grab Brooke up, practically by her breasts, and cart her out of there, but that's beside the point. She didn't ask him or lure him into it. He has Forrester phone numbers in his Rolodex. If Rick can con Oliver into taking pictures of Maya, Deacon can call Oliver to pick up his ex-lover, surely.

Oliver. Now that's a guy I'll bet Brooke forgot was at the bottom of her man barrel, and he probably hasn't even had sex since the Pose wall bang at Hope's graduation party.

Deacon could have called Donna, Rick, Aly, or Ivy. Best of all, he could have called Wyatt, Brooke's son-in-law. As long as Wyatt wears that ring, the one ring to rule all men, he has a modicum of obligation to see Brooke safely home. It's true because my brother-in-law's ring makes him help my mother out all the time. It's just the rule of marriage. Instead, Deacon takes Brooke home and can't bring himself to leave -- as if she isn't a grown-ass woman who'd been taking care of herself for over fifty years. I'm guessing at her age. I don't have a carbon-dating kit on hand to exact it.

Deacon waits around while Brooke changes clothes, he has flashbacks of Hope's birth, knowing good and well he was not at Hope's birth. He must have stolen the flashbacks out of Stephanie or Bridget's brains because they were the ones who delivered Hope at Big Bear with Brooke. Do the writers know this, or are they taking the viewers for ignorant freaks on their leash? The flashback was just as bad as Liam having pictures of himself and Ivy in the middle of an impromptu boat ride in Amsterdam.

Brooke is guilty of asking Deacon to stay and not respecting boundaries. And even though she should not choose to get that drunk, because she is as drunk as she is, she can't really be blamed for heightened coquettishness. If Eric only knew how ripe Brooke was, he'd be kicking himself for not being at the restaurant to take her home and pluck that fruit.

Do you think Quinn is only making matters worse by confronting and hitting Brooke? Wouldn't it have been more appropriate for her to leash Deacon and put a choke collar on him? If she wants a real relationship with Deacon, she needs to discuss the issue with him, and they need to agree that he stays away from Brooke for the sake of their relationship. Why does Quinn need to confront Brooke about it, and how is that supposed to solve anything when Brooke wasn't even scheming for time with him -- like she used to do back in the day while Ridge was with Taylor?

Another woman attacking the symptom, even when there isn't a sickness, is Ivy. Ivy must be into preventative maintenance because she went after Steffy like a penicillin shot on aged bacteria. History, blah, blah, blah. Miscarriage, blah, blah, blah. It's over, Steffy. The fat lady already sang three choruses, and Liam is immune to you. And if you and eavesdropping Ivy had listened to him, your conversation wouldn't have been needed.

Liam's a good pet. He wears his new sword collar. He sits. He comes. He rolls over, and he only wants to play hide the bone with his new owner. He's so well trained that, unlike Deacon, he doesn't even need a leash. What about that doesn't Ivy get while she stands in her frumpy get-up, berating the bronze, bikini-clad diva with endless waves of golden and brunette tresses for trying to seduce her man.

What is the "my man" crap about? Isn't there an American folk song remake about it? I believe it goes, "This man ain't your man; this man is my man. From the Eiffel Tower to the Amsterdam rivers. From the new bed sheets to the new toothbrushes. This man wasn't made for you both and me..."

I doubt Steffy knows that song. Instead, Steffy hums the American anthem remix. "And the Aussie's loud blare. Hope's pills bursting in air. Gave proof through the night that Steffy's still there...."

Ivy is all about consequences for leaving and out with the old and in with the new. Steffy called Ivy a bump in the road, but Steffy better be careful with her metaphors, seeing as she had that motorcycle accident. Steffy called Ivy "Hope part two" and expects Ivy to deal with the way Steffy and Ivy relate to each other. Ivy snapped back that Steffy and Liam don't relate like that; Ivy and Liam did. Ivy also threw some new news around, which was that she defended Steffy against people calling her a skank for the Intimates line photos. When in God's name did that happen? And did Ivy catch Liam's drool mark stains on those pictures?

Who's gonna win this battle of the leashes? So far, Liam's pretty loyal to his current owner, even going behind Steffy's back to solicit Ridge when Steffy's pet adoption demand became nonnegotiable. Liam claims to be a different man, and he's not wilted by Steffy's sweet kisses or bikini body. Steffy, don't feel bad. Brooke had no luck with her bathing suit this week, either.

Steffy believes Ivy's break-away collar can't withstand the test of time like Steffy's cha-cha-cha historical collar has, and it's only a matter of time before Liam is Steffy's man again. Ivy's not allowing any collar switch-ups. She plays hide the bone with Liam, and it's a very serious game for her, no matter how much Steffy chuckles about it. Besides, Ivy's collar has a boomerang feature it in, so Liam ain't going nowhere.

Some viewers don't ever believe a word out of Liam's mouth when it comes to Steffy and won't forgive him for hurting Hope with Steffy. On the other side, Steffy fans feel the same way and won't forgive him for hurting Steffy with Hope. What will become of him if he hurts Ivy with Steffy? Will Steffy and Liam really be over if he remains loyal to Ivy? Why can't the ladies just choose Bu over Liam?

Steffy and Liam think alike, which might help them in business. They each decided that Ridge was key in getting what they want. And even though the duo has different ideas about how the future looks, they've unwittingly come at Ridge from both sides, and he's likely to agree to their takeover plan. The only problem is either Steffy or Ivy will get burned, and Liam might be toast either way.

If Liam stays with Ivy, that is not going to bode well for his new partnership with Ridge and Steffy. If he leaves Ivy, he looks like a first-class jackass for starting the whole thing due to his love for Ivy only to dump her at the tug of Steffy's leash. If Bill can't keep his nose out of Forrester, then Liam's word to Ridge becomes void, and all hell will break loose around the place. Would a volatile bunch like this really be good for Forrester, or should the pee-ons continue to eat cake under Rick's choker of tyranny?

Ridge can't stand Rick. If I had to measure the animosity between the men as compared to Ridge's and Bill's, I'd say the Rick and Ridge feud is an ever-erupting volcano, and Ridge and Bill are like the occasional earthquake -- which is why I don't see why having Bill's name on something would be more of a concern to Ridge than getting Rick's name off of it.

Ridge wants to bring Rick and Maya down. He can't stand the ground Rick walks upon or the air that Maya breathes. Me neither. Maya needs a mint. I smell the pompous stank breath through the screen. But I got confused when Liam handed Ridge a prime opportunity to cut Rick off at the knees, but Ridge started hemming and hawing about how difficult it would be to betray Eric or damage Eric's legacy. I don't know when Ridge developed a conscience about leaving Forrester or harming Eric's legacy.

Bill dropping Ridge on his head must have made Ridge forget all the times he left Forrester and betrayed Eric. Ridge doesn't remember taking over Spectra and renaming it Logan Designs right before he married Brooke in South America? Soap Central does, and I quote, "But after Ridge put Brooke in charge of Spectra and renamed it Logan Designs, Ridge and Brooke remarried in the jungles of South America."

Even earlier, around the time Sheila shot Taylor, Ridge did this: "After Brooke fired Ridge from Forrester Creations for going up against Rick, Ridge accepted Massimo's offer to work at Marone Industries. Ridge bought rival fashion house Spectra Fashions and primed it to compete against Forrester."

I could have sworn there was one other time Brooke and Ridge departed Forrester to make their own design company, but it wasn't a Spectra takeover. I couldn't find it in the history, so if anyone recalls what I'm talking about, please let me know. If Ridge wants to be on the path of forgetting things, why can't he forget his hatred for Bill, so this deal can happen already?

Ridge also lost his mind when he told Steffy that he was someone else's son, but Eric raised him as Eric's own. Ridge said it as if Eric had a choice in the matter and knew that Ridge was Massimo's son the whole time. In truth, Eric didn't know about that until well into Rick's twenties. No one knew anything about Massimo until about 2001. So to say Eric did some grand thing by raising a son he knew was not his was a gross misinterpretation of history at the least and revisionism at the most.

While I'm at it, Eric's bitterness at Ridge for "stealing" Brooke is a little revised, too. Brooke wanted Ridge. Brooke always wanted Ridge back then. Eric wanted Beth. Stephanie wanted Eric. Stephanie ran off Beth, but instead of returning to Stephanie, Eric's eye turned to Brooke, who was hurt over Ridge starting back up with Caroline.

As far as I'm concerned, a father shouldn't go after women that the son already had. A man certainly shouldn't go after the daughter of a woman he once loved, and Eric needs to not blame Ridge for the destruction of Eric's marriage because Ridge went on to marry Taylor after Ridge's romp with the married Brooke. I do not understand why Eric thinks Ridge stole her from him.

Eric is a complete numb-nut on a leash. I'd play "knock-knock, who's there?" with his brain, but I'm afraid a Dodo bird might answer back if I knock on that thick skull of his. The way he let Rick use him like a complete tool was excoriating. The writers are using Eric like a pod-character on a leash, because the Eric Forrester I got to know over the last decades would not applaud and reward Rick's behavior. He wouldn't stand for Rick firing guns at people, especially since it wasn't the first time Rick had shot at someone. I don't blame Eric for wanting to give his real son something now that Stephanie is dead, but how about he starts with Thorne?

Eric claims to Brooke that he sees some potential in Rick and Maya. All Rick has done is put everyone on a slave leash to please Maya, and the best thing Maya can come up with is to make Forrester designs accessible to people without trust funds.

Really, Maya? Do you not remember the clothing line you were hired to model? It's like I have to go look all this stuff up again because the writers are making me feel like I don't remember what things really are. Looking it up taught me that Paul McCartney thought HFTF was a good name for a 2014 album. Interesting. Anyway, as I recall, HFTF was supposed to be an affordable, socially and globally conscious line. Hope and Katie believed that if the younger generation could have affordable versions of the designs, they'd continue to buy the designs as they got older and made more money.

If I recall correctly, even the Ambrosia Line, featured on a home shopping channel and The Price is Right was supposed to be affordable. So how can Maya not know this? How can Rick respond as if an affordable line is a novel idea? Maya is completely useless at the office, and the only other woman in B&B history that can claim the same is Donna Logan. Tip for Maya: if you want to run a company, try researching a little of its product history, please.

I see where it's headed. Nicole will be the hot new beauty who gets to be the spokesmodel for a new affordable line concept that, in reality, is not new at all to Forrester, who's done it at least twice already. By the way Maya tried to hustle the homeless Nicole out of the mansion, I also see a bitter rivalry in the making. I think Nicole plus Carter will have Maya seeing red.

If Rick didn't see that Maya has no real loyalty to her loved ones by the way she swept Nicole out the front door like trash, then Rick is blinder than Neil Winters was after the electrical explosion on The Young and the Restless. The idea that Rick has gone from using Maya to believing she hung the moon puzzles me. I don't even know how he can sink to such a slug caliber of woman after Caroline or see how he keeps forgetting how down for her man Caroline had been -- or that Maya betrayed Rick with Carter just as Rick whines that Caroline did with Ridge.

Rick and Maya are gag-worthy. Rick forcing Oliver to take her centerfolds and wasting Ivy's time making priceless pieces for Maya turn my stomach. I don't see how Forrester can make a profit at all with this going on. And Liam was right. The profits belong to Caroline and Ridge, not the bathtub rubber-ducky Rick or mattress-strapped Maya.

Someone explain why all the employees allow Rick to jerk their chains like this, and why they'd be satisfied by that center-ring apology performance he gave for Eric. At least Rick promised Aly something. The rest of the gang got nothing, and Ivy didn't even get to say her piece. Aly turned on a dime, ready to give Rick a chance, thus making her a freak on a leash for a shoe collection.

Aly must have sole scraps for brains. How could she be so against Wyatt when she first came to town, but she's willing to churn butternut sex ice cream for Rick and Maya? Maybe Rick's joke was true -- Aly didn't fall far from the stupid tree; however, the hard fall caused her cerebrospinal fluid to leak ever since.

But back to hating Rick and Maya. The couple has made this the long winter of my discontent. Maya's voice literally causes trigger points to sprout in my neck. The happiest I was this week was when Ridge looked as stressed and angry as I felt, and he bellowed at Maya, "Why are you speaking?"

Thanks, Ridge. That was the most sense you made all week.

Speaking of cringing and regurgitating, Katie and Bill at the Aspen compound was gross and double-gross. And it wasn't because of the couple. I love Batie, but the last time Bill had been there, the stallion had been neighing over Brooke the Sex Bear during their cross-species breeding, mountain-climbing weekend.

Steffy asked Liam not to take Ivy to the compound because it was Steffy and Liam's special place, and I imagine that Brooke might have made the same request of Bill had she been sober enough to realize that the newlyweds were headed to her and Bill's special place. It goes without saying that the sheets in that house need to be burned after use. The nasty floor rugs in front of the fire, too.

I don't know why the Spencers would want to honeymoon in the same place where Katie had set Brooke and Bill up on romantic balloon rides and where Bill had defiantly gone with Brooke before almost falling off the mountain, a fall which led him to trick Katie into signing papers. Katie is so ready to rid Bill of Quinn's sword, but why not his and Brooke's Aspen love nest?

I predicted that Katie would go right back to trying to control Bill, but I honestly didn't think it would happen so quickly. Not even married a good forty-eight hours, and she already clasped a new collar around his neck. Just like my Siberian Huskies when I try to put their collars back on them, Bill was batting at his ears and neck, trying to explain the significance of the old sword necklace. And just like me when I ignore my dogs' squirming as I lock on the collars, Katie ignored Bill's feelings and fastened around his neck the new collar she wanted him to wear.

Katie buttered up Bill really good when she smoothly took his identify from him and replaced it with what she wants him to be. It seems an awful lot like what happened around the time Bill started drinking more heavily and got into that car accident.

Back then, Katie was trying to change Bill and make him into the father figure she wanted for Will. No more adventure for Bill, just diapers and ABC's. Brooke warned her little sister back then not to try to tame the stallion, and I thought Katie had learned the lesson. Did she, or is this new sword necklace Katie's fancy new dog choker that she'll use to yank at his heartstrings and keep him in line?

I can hear Katie now. "Bill! That necklace represents our family. Our child! Are you really going to risk your life Rollerblading? Is that what you'll teach Will? That he can just Rollerblade without regard to how scared it makes me?" Yeah, this necklace will give new meaning to yanking one's chain, won't it?

Tell me, what were your puzzling moments of the week? Will Steffy make Liam fall out of love with Ivy and back in love with Steffy? Do you even want Steffy to go there? Will Eric and Ridge ever get their history between each other straight, or will the writers just keep making up stuff?

Will Brooke smack the living snot out of Quinn for attacking Brooke in her own house? In a Soap Central article, Katherine Kelly Lang is quoted as saying Brooke needs to hit bottom, and she will. Does Brooke need a twelve-step program? If she takes one, let's hope it's not the same one Hope took down the long fountain stairs on the estate. Until next time, stay bold and beautiful, baby!

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.