Shotgun wedding: Love is all wet

It seems the Forresters, Logans, Spencers, and even Sharpes had marriage on their minds this week -- Hope and Liam's that is. But then, Hope switched grooms, and Quinn invited Deacon to a shotgun wedding without the wedding! Tour Paris and Monte Carlo with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you take a flying leap after exchanging grooms? Did you take aim at a pressing problem? Did you jet halfway around the world on a plane that had run out of gas? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer clan this week!

Whoo, the comments I've gotten from you, Scoopers! And almost all of them express displeasure in one form or another at the sudden wedding of Hope and Wyatt. That, and/or displeasure at the Lope/Hott triangle having reached its saturation point. And I'm not in disagreement; I'm having flashbacks to the Leffy/Lope triangle, which dragged on for two years and would probably still be on our screens if Jacqueline MacInnes Wood hadn't vacated the role of Steffy. Same story, one different character.

I think the Liam/Wyatt groom switcheroo might have worked better had there been other stories to balance things out. Instead, Brooke and Deacon talked about Lope/Hott. Then, Brooke and Bill talked about them. And Brooke and Deacon talked about them some more. Even Pam and Charlie got into the mix; I think President Obama might have put in an appearance to talk about them had he been available. This triangle just isn't compelling enough to command so much airtime, like Leffy/Lope before it.

And I'm sorry, but I just about got cavities listening to Aly drone on about Hope. "Brooke couldn't have picked a better name," Miss F swooned. Um, Aly, honey, Brooke named her baby Hope because she was trying to turn over a new leaf from having gotten knocked up by her daughter's husband! Hero worship is not uncommon among teenagers, but Aly sounded like a cartoon talking about Hope's message and values; even Hope would say that she's not that perfect. I think I liked crazy Aly better.

So, let me understand this. Hope asked Liam to meet her at the Eiffel Tower after her quickly thrown-together HFTF shoot, and he had to show up at 3:00, or she'd know he didn't really want to marry her. First of all, why was Wyatt lingering near a merry-go-round and playing with his diamond while watching Hope? You'd think Hope would have told him to take a walk somewhere. Liam rushed to get to Place du Trocadro, with Ivy at his side. Not far behind was a moped-stealing Quinn.

But then, Quinn chucked Ivy over the bridge at the River Seine, and Liam was torn between meeting Hope and saving Ivy. I don't understand what the big deal was; Ivy was swimming just fine, then she suddenly said the current was too strong. If that were true, why was she lingering in one spot instead of getting swept down the river? And Liam certainly wouldn't have been able to swim any better. Yet, Liam jumped in to save her, and it felt like Steffy and the bathtub all over again.

Hope, in the meantime, waited maybe five or ten minutes past her appointed time, got all boo-hoo, and left. Never once did she try to call Liam -- and, for that matter, Liam never tried to call Hope as he ran late. In one of the most childish things I've ever seen Hope do, she ditched the Eiffel Tower, and the next thing we knew, she was on a plane to Monte Carlo with Wyatt. Did I miss something? What rationale did they have for going there, except for the fact that's where the Spencer yacht was docked?

The one thing I'll say is, at least Liam couldn't call Hope after his dunk in the Seine, because his phone was trashed. He ran all over the place, looking for Hope, and then, when he kicked himself for missing her, Ivy said it was her fault for getting pushed into the river. For all the times that got mentioned, why did no one ever wonder who pushed her? "Damn, I'm good," Quinn gloated as she peered at Liam through stolen binoculars. This woman's rap sheet is growing by the week.

Then, Quinn called Wyatt, who answered his cell phone even though he was on a plane (what happened to having sending and receiving functions turned off during a flight?) and wondered what his mom was on about as she babbled about seizing opportunities. But Wyatt listened to his mama and put the moves on Hope, telling her to let Liam go and marry him instead. Does no one worry about rebound on this show? An hour ago, Hope was set to marry Liam. I just can't, Scoopers. I just can't.

Wyatt eased Hope onto the Stella Maris (does that tub ever leave Monte Carlo?) and again whipped out his diamond. How many times is he going to offer that as a selling point? It's like he doesn't have anything else going for him except its CGI sparkles. I will admit it's novel for a guy to propose with a whole diamond instead of a diamond ring. Hope must have noted this, too, because after listening to Wyatt make another case for himself, she looked him in the eye and said yes. She'd marry him!

Huuuuuhhhh? I don't see how anyone can just switch gears like that regarding something as important as marriage. Well, okay, Liam did it back in 2011, sticking Hope's still warm engagement ring on Steffy's finger; maybe Hope and Liam are two peas in a pod after all. Anyway, after Wyatt said marriage was a leap of faith, Hope invited him to literally take the plunge into the Mediterranean Sea. And boom, they were man and wife. Looks like everyone got soaked on the show this week!

I admit it: the wedding itself was beautiful. But here's why it doesn't work: it's a cartoon. Or, perhaps, more accurately, it's like a Noel Coward farce. I can't invest in Hott's marriage because, a moment before, Hope wanted to marry Liam. Two weeks from now, she'll be mooning over Liam again. The soap wedding seems to be a lost art; you used to spend months and months building up to one and get pulled in by the sheer romance of it because ceremonies were rare and provided a lot to get excited about.

Now, weddings seem to be instant and more frequent, so they're not special anymore. And, while there may not have been sharks in the Mediterranean, the Lope/Hott triangle officially jumped the shark this week. I can't believe Hope really loves Wyatt because she was ready to marry Liam hours before. And if she gets back with Liam, I won't believe that because she was willing to marry Wyatt. At least one of Hope's weddings went through this time, assuming there's no last-minute paperwork or do-overs.

And that's another thing: I thought the Paris remote was sumptuous (Monte Carlo, not so much; they could have docked that boat anywhere), but it felt like Puglia, Italy, all over again. You remember, in 2012, Liam and Hope tried to get married on location, Hope was late to the ceremony because of outside interference; Liam got disgusted, walked off, and boarded a jet with Steffy after sticking his tongue down her throat. Is there a difference here? Because I ain't seein' it.

Yeah, same story, different country, and I just don't understand how this is supposed to be good soap. And you know, not long ago I was complaining that B&B never did remotes anymore, outside of Aspen and Cabo San Lucas. I should be happy -- I want to be happy -- that so far this year we've done Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Paris, and Monte Carlo. There's just something desperate about it. All the gorgeous locations in the world can only dress up a flimsy, contrived, done-to-death story.

Here's what needs to happen: Hope and Wyatt should just to stay together already. I know, Lope fans, you don't want to hear that, but this waffling needs to be done. There is potential chemistry with Liam and Ivy; just let it happen in three or six months so Liam can get over Hope first. And put Wyatt/Hope/Liam/Ivy on the backburner that long. The main complaint I get is that everyone is tired of this story. Hell, the only fashion show we ever see on a show about fashion is in the credits!

I'm sawry, I'm having a Coffee Talk moment...tawk amongst yourselves...okay, I feel better. The aftermath of Wyatt and Hope's wedding hit Los Angeles like an 8.5 on the Richter scale because everybody was talking about it -- although at least Bill tried to use it to lure Brooke back, which he would. I liked that Brooke wasn't really having it. I don't know how I feel about a Brooke/Deacon redux, but I think I'm over Brill at this point. Too much has happened.

Liam became Sad Liam on the plane ride back with Ivy, having flashbacks of Hope moments he wasn't around for. Bill had told him, "In this life, there's gotta be a winner and a loser," and suggested that Liam move on. Fine words coming from a guy who lost Brooke and ain't lettin' that one go. Pam also said Liam should move on, and even Liam mentioned it, which means -- hint hint! -- there's gonna be some Team Livy in our future. Again, I don't mind, but let some time pass first.

Oh! Before I forget! How was it Liam was in the main office of Forrester International in Paris and never ran into Steffy? Okay, Thorne and Taylor were on vacation, but Steffy wasn't said to be. Many of you took exception with the fact that Liam went to Steffy's city to marry Hope, and I have to agree; it wasn't the wisest of story choices. Liam also included Steffy in the list of people that tried to split up him and Hope, which also upset a lot of you, but Steffy did try to do that. The first time, anyway. Not the second.

See, even I can't get off the subject. After Deacon tried to bust his Freaky Deaky moves on Brooke -- who, surprisingly, didn't respond as in days of yore -- Sir Sharpe was visited by the Mexico City detective looking into Ricardo Montemayor's death. And we got a startling bit of information: he'd been poisoned -- by a gemstone, no less. I thought I was being conned, but I looked it up: realgar is known as the "ruby of arsenic," and it does, in fact, contain 70% arsenic, as the detective said. Now we're getting somewhere.

Deacon proceeded to go all Sherlock Holmes, and holy Watson, Batman, he found Quinn's laptop, which had Ricardo's beneficiary video to Wyatt on its desktop. First off, why would Quinn leave her laptop lying around? And, if Ricardo sent the video to Wyatt, why does Quinn have it? "Damn, I'm good?" No, Quinn, you're sloppy. "My heart was never fuller," Ricardo said on-screen, talking about being at the mercy of the quintessence of the mother of all diamonds. Rut-ro!

Here's the thing: Deacon sussed out the obvious message of this video, so if Quinn forced Ricardo to record it, wouldn't she have clued in, too? Apparently not. Quinn came home, supposedly from her therapy, and got an earful from Deacon about her seeming involvement in Ricardo's death. I have to give it up to Deacon that he was pissed at Quinn for threatening Hope's life; at least someone remembers. Deacon cornering Ms. Fuller was the best scene this week; it sparkled more than any diamond.

But Quinn needs to listen to some Lady Gaga, because she has a terrible poker face; she didn't even try to make herself sound innocent. I don't get why Quinn is still free to run around; if Wyatt had walked in two seconds later, Liam would have been impaled by Quinn's sword. I never thought I'd say this, but Bill is absolutely right -- Quinn should be in jail. Generally, when a soap character attempts murder, that's what happens. Even Sheila went to the slammer after (accidentally) shooting Taylor.

Nope, Scoopers, stick a fork in Quinn, because she's done. She's not redeemable at this point; if no one knew who tried to kill Liam, maybe Quinn still being on the canvas would work, but everyone knows she's capable of murder. So, Deacon puts together a damn good theory that Quinn killed Ricardo, and what does she do? She whips out a gun. Can you say "guilty," boys and girls? I knew you could. Innocent people don't brandish weapons to prove their innocence! Oh, Deaky, what have you gotten yourself into?

Will Quinn shoot Deacon's theory -- and Deacon -- full of holes? Will everyone keep living as if only Hope and her fraternal suitors exist? And is Ivy really Steffy with plastic surgery and an Australian accent? Share your thoughts in the comments section below or shoot me a message by email. Your comments could end up in a future column. Like these!

• "Have the writers on B&B not realized the Hope/Liam/Wyatt/Quinn saga reached its 'use by' date a while back? It's enough to make me want to stop watching the show and I've watched B&B from episode one...time to move on people. PLEASE." -- Maria

• "...The storyline between Liam and Hope needs to be rethought...put them together or stop writing about them trying to get back together. This is getting old...[Hope going back to Wyatt] is just terrible portrayal of relationships. It displays emotional decision making and instability in Hope. Let's begin to write more storylines that reflect healthy and stable relationships." -- CB

• "Is it common for people to be pushed off bridges into the Seine in Paris, because other than delaying Liam from getting to Hope (who couldn't wait a measly extra fifteen minutes for her 'true love' to get there), nobody seems particularly bothered by Ivy's forced dunking. Considering everything Quinn has done, wouldn't SOMEBODY wonder where Quinn was at the time?...I'm so tired of this ongoing common thread, first with Liam and now Hope. Every time things don't go their way, they immediately turn to the person next to them (Steffy and Wyatt). I know that old song says 'love the one you're with,' but this is ridiculous.." -- Julia

• "Stopped watching with the stupid Hope/Wyatt wedding. Can't stand this anymore. Hope is brainless now." -- Carol

• "[The Hott wedding] was such a major disappointment. I'm about ready to drop watching the show." -- Eileen

• "The circumstances were a little ridiculous but HOTT had the best soap wedding ever! I loved the leap!" -- Jeff

• "Loved [the show this week]! Location shoots and dunk wedding! AND MURDER! Who wouldn't?!" -- Caroline

Of course, we cannot be finis without Les Points Ponder:

"Don't let Pam see you brought anything store-bought!" Brooke warned Deacon at Forrester, where, surprisingly, no one pitched a fit about him being there... Everyone looked at their watches with anticipation that Liam and Hope would reunite at 3:00 Paris time -- except that's 6 in the morning in Los Angeles; what was everyone doing at work? And it's amazing Hope didn't ask Wyatt who called while he was on the plane: when she finds out Quinn is loose, that marriage'll be on the rocks...

What Wyatt said to Hope: "You bring out the best in me." What Wyatt meant: "My best means pretending to steal diamonds and framing innocent people to impress you..." As Deacon talked to the Mexico City detective at Quinn Artisan Jewelers, a truck backed into its warehouse. Who's running the place with Quinn and Wyatt overseas? "I don't get it," a confused Liam said regarding Hope's decision to marry Wyatt. "How does that happen?" That pretty much says it all!

And OMG, did you hear that song as Liam wandered the streets of Paris? That was Scott Clifton, on a cut from his new CD! Rock on! Betcha if Hope knew he had a voice like that, she would have stuck around -- I know I would have. Anyway, Tracy is up to some bold and beautiful things, so I will be back again next week to fill up these Two Scoops for you. In the meantime, follow me on Twitter (@magicallyAMJ), and, as always, keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold!

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