So! Looks like the face cream fiasco is raising its ugly little jar lid again. Or so the writers would have us believe. Round and round the mulberry bush, the weasel is again being pursued. But will the wicked weasel finally get her flea-bitten tail entwined in a trap? Because if no one is ever going to find out Gloria's latex-covered manicured mitts were knuckle deep in tainted cream, why keep pretending the bulbous-eyed bimbo is on the verge of being unmasked?
Yes, fans, when I saw the scribes were once again writing around the edges of the tainted cream case, I muttered to myself: oh, now here you guys and gals go. Playin' with my emotions, teasing and tantalizing me with a bunch of little face cream droppings, getting me all hyped up with hope that FINALLY, FINALLY, at least one evil deed of Gloria's might be dragged out into the light of day and addressed. For one long moment, I could almost taste the satisfaction on the tip of my tongue in delicious anticipation at the thought of listening, eyes and ears tuned intently to my television, as Genoa Citian after Genoa Citian: Kay, Jill, but most especially, Jack, marched up and verbally tore a chunk from that chippy's carcass. As I pictured one or all of them forcing an unpalatable piece of scorched crow meat down her newly uncreased craw for every hypocritical, self-serving statement she shrieked shrilly while blaming Jack for Jabot's woes, knowing all the while it was SHE who had started it all, I felt like leaping to my feet and doing a joyous little jig. By the way, had I been able to, I might have leaned close and bussed Kay's soft, wrinkled cheek when she told Gloria the whole Jack mess began with that tainted cream. The look on Gloria's face was priceless.
But, then I returned to my senses and lowered my behind back to the couch. Why would I dare hope face cream things would be different this time? My hopes for Gloria's comeuppance have been raised and dashed to the dirt so many times, I've lost count. Of course, that doesn't mean I wouldn't love to be proven wrong. I would feel like a kid on Christmas morning if I found Santa had left the elaborately wrapped gift of Gloria's guilt under my imitation tree.
Anyway, despite my better judgment, and that little voice whispering in the back of my mind saying: fool me once, shame on you, fool me two times, the dunce cap gets crammed on my pointy crown, I'm going to get my hopes up once again. I mean, just imagine the many cat and mouse games Jeffrey Bardwell could play until the old Glo-hag was quaking and quivering with disquiet and trepidation. Picture, too, how pleasurable it could be to watch all of Gloria's little law-breaking family members, Kevin, Michael and Lauren, dragged ignominiously to the dirt right along with her, much like a line of carefully spaced dominoes. Oh, how all those blowhards have bellowed about mean old Jack taking advantage of a helpless old hag like Gloria, when all the while they were up to their navels in muck just as worm-infested as Jack, helping Gloria hide her many misdeeds.
So, is it all just an unkind ruse at us fans' expense, or it is possible Jeffrey might do what no one else, not Kay, Jill, PI Paul, the entire GCPD and its various DA's and investigators, has been able to accomplish? And what exactly did William write as an explanation on those little index cards for the things he sent his brother? Does Jeffrey know what Gloria did or doesn't he? If he does, why hasn't he made his move? Is he just toying with her to unnerve her before blindsiding her with his blackmail request later? If it's the latter, then perhaps he ought to have done his homework. Then he would know it's often hazardous to a man (or woman's) health to give Gloria any advance warning of what might be to come. Before he can utter Jack Abbott, he could wind up bum-rushed behind bars on a carefully orchestrated, trumped up Fisher-Baldwin charge, or worse, join his beloved brother in the cold, unforgiving ground.
But, however it might end up, I plan to savor every serving Jeffrey plops on Gloria's place up to and hopefully including her full comeuppance. For instance, when Gloria was at the door talking to William with his little cardboard box of William's belongings under his arm, I couldn't help but cackle as those eyes widened and squinted nervously in turn, that mouth coated in clown-red lipstick contorting in calculation. Was it just me, or was anyone else suddenly assailed with a mental picture of the diabolically murderous clown in Stephen's King's "It"?
As the week wore on, my mockery at Gloria's expense kept recurring. I'm a good person, she sputtered. How in Hades can she call herself a good person without her face cracking like the California dirt during an earthquake? Or her nose lengthening until it pokes a hole in the farthest wall? Good person? Well, let's make a short list of her good deeds, why don't we? She spiked her bosses coffee with an aphrodisiac so she could wrest William from Jill's arms; supplemented her stroke-prone late second husband's drink with Viagra, taints a product, not only endangering her family's company, but also risking the livelihood of countless innocent employees, as well, solely to punish her stepchildren, is indirectly responsible for the deaths of Mrs. Gibson, Terrible Tom, two husbands and is a chameleon who will become whatever animal it takes to trap her prey. And finally, I nearly toppled off my bed and probably saved myself a fractured limb when Gloria was spewing that speech of hatred against Jack. Because every single sentence she uttered about him also described her diabolical behind to a T! Yet she still considers herself a good person! Go figure. Guess a delusion like that could only flourish in a cracked cranium like hers.
Which brings us to the anonymous release of the Fishers amateur mini-movie. Hand-delivered by Gloria to the one person in GC who hates Jack even more than she and her family do, Victor didn't hesitate to benefit from the Fisher's felonious activities. Michael, accustomed to his family's continuing disobedience, barely blinked at their latest stroll outside the scraggly lines of the law and wearily retrieved his little straw broom to help sweep this mess under the rug with all their previous piles.
But this time, Lauren, who apparently found her conscience packed away in an old dust-covered trunk in her mother's attic and tucked it away in a side pocket of Fen's diaper bag, wasn't quite as quick as her clan to pick up the family paintbrush to whitewash yet another misdeed. Well, it's about time she reached behind her back and straightened that spaghetti noodle that replaced what used to be her spine. And even though we know her rage and rancor towards Gloria's bad behavior isn't likely to last any longer than it did the other times she inadvertently discovered a foul-smelling nugget of deception one or all of her family members had been up to, it was still a welcome change. But what she should have replied to Gloria's whine about not meaning to hurt anyone, blah and blah, was yeah, Glo-hag, go stand next to Mrs. Gibson's grave with a flagging flower and tell that to her, why doncha?
Why is it that no one in this town seems capable of putting two and two together and coming up with Gloria and Kevin? I'm beginning to seriously wonder how the executives of Genoa City got and continue to keep their jobs. Because it certainly doesn't seem as if it's because they have a working brain. Particular case in point: Gloria and Kevin have made it painfully and stridently clear on countless occasions their virulent hatred of Jack. So it should be a no-brainer as to whose pairs of greasy paw prints are on the leaked DVD. The resident computer expert and his manipulative mommy. And don't even get me started on that laptop down the trousers stunt. Speaking of Kay and Jill's failure to add or reason, while they racked their brains as to who might be behind the Jabot unauthorized surveillance, I about laughed myself into a case of the hiccups watching Jill frantically point her way through her electronic calendar attempting to pinpoint the many days she and JiMin were amorous, so she could erase the tape before it wound up viewed with great glee multiple times on Youtube.
So, what did fans think of Jack's apologetic press conference? He sounded sincere and believable to this fan and as expected, I quite enjoyed him. Although I'm not sure it will do him any good. The whole Noah fighting thing was a bit of a stretch, though. I tried, but failed, to imagine any 10 year old I know verbally smacking their fellow classmate in the face with this particular dirty laundry. I can almost overhear the conversation in the middle of the impromptu soccer game on the playground now. Yeah, Noah, your Dad's a liar and committed fraud. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Where was this loud mouthed kid when it was all over town that Noah's dad had been playing sheet tag with his mistress right under his Mommy's nose? And what about when new of Mommy's secret sojourn traveled from New York to GC? But no, Noah's gets a black eye over a white collar crime most 10 year olds would be hard pressed to understand.
Speaking of hard to believe. That explosive, raucous snort you just heard was my Pepsi ejecting through nose and mouth while unwisely listening to Paul pontificate. Oh right, we're supposed to honestly believe Paul has suddenly found a set of somebody's ethics somewhere, dusted them off and pinned them proudly to his chest like a medal of honor. You committed fraud he accused Jack pompously. So I don't choose to work for you. But he'll work with Michael the lawbreaking kidnapper, Kevin, the firebug, a three time murderer like Brad, and Victor, a convicted felon whose commercial bribery was the least of his many committed crimes, but now balks at working for a man who lied. Not to mention, that his deadbeat daddy status (twice over) along with his near-rapist behind, leaves him no room to draw back his arm and throw a stone at anything anyone else has done. I swear, this town has no lack of burned bottomed pots who live to point their chipped handles at their fellow scorched skillets.
At Camp Jackson State, from Phyllis and her pocket full of 20's, Jana's unlikely presence at the prison as a holding facility but with special rights and privileges, Noah wandering out to the vending machine area and beyond unaccompanied, prisoners carrying around actual calling cards instead of having to call collect with the money deducted from their prison account to the ever-present, extra attentive Warden, the absurdities continue to mount so rapidly, it boggles this fan's mind so unbearably, I've decided to suspend every iota of belief when viewing anything dealing with the prison. So what if Phyllis's new roommate, Jana is a murderer. Some fans would say Phyllis deserves to have that same placard hung prominently about her neck too. And for those fans who continue to debate whether or not she had anything to do with Sasha's long ago death, no one can say it wasn't she behind the wheel when she attempted to send Paul and Chris to whatever after life might have awaited them. But all that is old, stagnant water under the bridge and has not a single thing to do with the present day's events. Which is that Phyllis ought to be safe from Jana as long as no one smuggles in a flashlight. And on top of that, since when has Phyllis EVER been afraid of anything or anybody?
Oh, that Brad is still a cad! What? Is he already racking up deeds to atone for next year at Yom Kippur? If you looked in the dictionary for a picture of that dog who didn't want the buried bone until some other mutt dug it up and carried it to his dish, I bet anything Brad's calculating countenance would be glaring back at you. It was bad enough when he asked Sharon to marry him then when she thought, okay, maybe I will, he rescinded his offer and showed her a picture of the better deal he'd bartered for and won, but it's worse now that since he's been kicked to the curb like the mangy cur he's proven to be, he decides he wants her after all, even though some other puppy is presently playing with her. How cruel was that to turn on that intercom and air Sharon's confidential kiss information to Jack. See, its actions like those that make me continue to count Brad as a man who'd have to take a giant step up just to draw even with dirt. I hope the backlash from that little stunt springs back and knocks out his front teeth.
Okay, give me a break with the trash Sharon stuff in the three page rag they call a newspaper. Am I the only one who just about howls with hilarity every time one of them picks up the Chronicle to peruse some putrid piece of defamation? My son's high school paper is thicker than that! Anyway, since they were allegedly digging so deep into Sharon's past, why not mention that far from being a penniless pauper dependent on a Jack Abbott man to support her in the luxurious lifestyle to which she has been accustomed to for over a decade, the woman, as an ex-Newman, likely has enough money coming in to burn some wastefully if she so desired to dispose of it in that manner. She was a presumably well paid spokesperson for Jabot, Newman and now NVP. And had she so wished, she could have continued to live on the Newman Estate, enjoying all of the perks and pampering that went along with it. She hardly a gold-digger in need of the Abbott fortune.
And lastly, what in the world is wrong with this picture? While J.T. and Victoria aren't exactly bad together, I still can't quite pinpoint how they're good together either. Maybe it's true that normal and nice really does make dull viewing. I know they're a real life couple, and they act very comfortable together, yet, I feel nothing. When they kiss, I don't long to see more, but I don't feel sick to my stomach either. They come across like comfortable old friends rather than newlyweds who presumably are in love enough with each other to marry and make a baby boy. And it's not that I dislike them the way I used to, but they don't do anything to elevate my heart rate either. Even J.T.'s rather insensitive joke about the evil Bradley in her belly, and Victoria momentary bristling about it, didn't fool me into thinking it would turn into any kind of drama or hope that these two would come to have any substance. They just come across as between scene filler material. Oh well, maybe they'll grow on me.
Well, it sure looks as if the legally linked days between Vic and Nikki are dwindling rapidly. If Nikki thinks she (and Clear Springs) were devastated by Jack's betrayal and shenanigans, as Victor has been heard to sometimes mumble: "you ain't seen nothing yet" and I can't wait to see how she'll take the news of Victor's behind the scenes handling of his Clear Springs drilling when it comes to the attention of her and her chowhound.
As usual, fans, your comments have left me howling with hysteria and holding my aching tummy. You ladies and gents definitely make my week with your comments.
VIVI - I must be the only person in the world who loves watching scenes with Gloria. She is soooo over the top, but even as she's scheming and manipulating, still manages to convince me that she's the victim. As I said, maybe it's just me. Go Gloria. She's one of the few reasons left to watch Y&R. One more thing, please, please, please, isn't it time to send Noah off to boarding school? The kid needs a life. I get stomach pains every time he shows up in a scene.
JM - OMG! Was that Tracy or Bozo the clown? That orange hair was disgusting. Beth Maitland is a great actress but it's hard to even listen to her speak without being distracted by that hair. Did the Y&R hairstylist go on strike?
TRISH - Y&R: worth almost nothing these days. The acting: sometimes awesome. Your column: priceless. What a tease - the writers are beginning to let us think (and hope and pray) that Glo will finally get caught for all of her many misdeeds - I'm thinking - NO. Lauren goes away to help her injured mother and comes back riding on a trusty steed as Dudley Do-Right. Wha-a-a-t? She suddenly has an attack of conscience? Oh that's right - it's because her interests in Clear Springs might be compromised. Has she ever given one thought to anyone else whose lives were changed by Glo's dirty deeds (which were not done dirt cheap) or that Mikey is constantly breaking the law to help Dumb & Dumber? Suddenly, they can't have a marriage if there isn't honesty? And Nick - didn't he profess his undying love for Sharon and now after one night of ridiculousness (before Phyllis went to jail) suddenly is just head-over-heels again for Phyll? Puh-lease. I wish I had the willpower of some of the fans to just quit watching and stick to reading your excellent column. But no, I'm still drawn back into the insanity every day. Do you think the writers ever read these columns and fan comments? Because it seems to me there are more dissatisfied then happy viewers of this once great soap. They really need to get a grip and stop changing the characters so drastically from day to day. I often find myself going "Huh?" when there's talk of something that happened - I'm thinking to myself "When did that happen?" Then I realize, it didn't.
TRISH'S HUSBAND - Other issues that are just too ridiculous: The DA sends evidence to his estranged brother who blurts out that Will had everything labelled? And this brother has now taken up residence in GC for no apparent reason? In the middle of a security sweep of company computers, no one is checking to see what someone might be taking out of the building and Kevin can stuff a laptop down the front of his pants and still get everything properly zipped up? Gloria's actions are so suspicious she might as well put a scarlet letter on her forehead ... but no one notices anything? We could always make up a Christmas wish list for all of the characters. Here is a starting point: Nikki - some nose plugs. After all, some sort of odor must be making her wrinkle up her nose like she does. Kevin - rainbow colored rodeo clown suspenders. To hold up his trousers when he doesn't have a laptop stuffed down the front.
VICTOR - The writers of Y&R seem obsessed lately with putting a great number of their creations in prison. Perhaps they should change the name of the soap to The Young and the Lawless. I don't think most viewers will want to see only prison scenes; it's a real downer. It's also grossly unrealistic to see that many prople in a relatively small town going to prison. It's more believable about the many adulteries, indiscretions and all those romantic yet unfortunate relationships that women seem to dote on. Once in a great while, though, the writers could present some strength of character that is enduring. Maybe that wouldn't be so believable or interesting, though. Ho hum! Maybe some torrid love scenes inside prison is what the viewers would like! What's really funny is the holiday scenes, in which all of the characters suddenly are filled with joy and friendship, as a brief pause between tragedy and hate. Pardon me while I puke.
LENITA - I am one of the few who likes to see the bad person/character win sometimes, if they have at least one redeeming quality. My contempt for Gloria is so over the top I refuse to watch her scenes. Gloria now has 50 million, she needs to get over the vendetta against Jack, and so does Victor. I would love to see Nick with someone new. I'm sick of the Nick and Phyllis show. She looks too old to be with Nick. Same for the Jack and Sharon pairing. Jack & Phyllis are hot together. I don't like Victoria with J.T., and I agree the new Colleen looks much too young for the professor. One thing I am hoping doesn't happen, is for Devon to hook up with or totally fall for Lily. There has to be someone else the writers can bring to the canvass, rather than a brother/sister (albeit by adoption only, not blood related). Maybe someone who wasn't interested in Devon, or a relationship for that matter. It would be fun to see Devon pull out the stops. Maybe bring back the Lily who was fired as a different character. I'd like that.
LISA - I have watched Y&R for many years, but I have been so disappointed in the show for the last 6 months. Gloria has to be dealt with, come on, what happened to the investigation? Michael can't stand up for Lauren or himself, throw Gloria out! Get a life Michael. It would be nice to get rid of Nikki, what a witch, she deserves anything she gets. Phyllis should be out of jail, at least with her the show was interesting. Now it just goes on and on and on, and is getting so unrealistic. Yawn.
HELEN - Aside from the 3 stooges, how long will this soap be the Noah Newman hour? And do you think someone could murder the bulging eyed Gloria before I do?
DIANA - Yes, Nikki does look like she smells something bad, and snobby or she has hemorrhoids. Her bangs are always in her right eye and she looks like she can't see. Are we sure William is dead? He knew what Gloria did. I was thinking William is just posing as his twin brother. I always want to wipe the corner of Gloria's mouth. Her lipstick looks like she tried to widen her smile. Amber is like finger nails on a blackboard. Daniel needs to rethink his hairdo.
FEMMEBLEU - First Nita, I have to say I am completely in agreement with everything you stated about Y&R being a regular bottle of No-Doze lately without question. Yet one of the bright lights this last week was Sharon the patron Saint of Sluts, getting her just desserts when her ever so doting husband Jack was given the goods curtsy of back-stabbing Brad the Cad of course, when he deliberately turned the break room intercom on. I think the only question here is why would there be such a feature in the break room any way since we already know that self-serving Brad would do anything necessary to fulfill his own selfish agenda. I just hope that Jack doesn't accept Sharon's feeble excuses after behaving so sanctimoniously, like she's never told any lies, hah! I thought you were right about the fact that Sharon and Jack's little mattress mambo created far greater yawn than scorch factor and it left me feeling nauseous as it was so distastefully out of place. I mean who thought it would be a good idea for them to turn to the cuddling into a sex session when we had only just witnessed the woman in Jack's heart so blatantly eating up another man tell her how they were destiny? Well enough about the three's a crowd crew, I'm sure Jack will cave as always and forgive the untrustworthy hypocrite Brad so madly adores. Is it really common practice in the work place to find cameras and intercoms to conveniently placed to catch someone having more than a cup of coffee? I guess with employees like Butter Biscuits and her ever-constant partner in crime the ever so gullible and tasteless Kevin, fraudulently rigging computer systems to fulfill their own dastardly purposes, Newman Enterprises may just be taking a lesson in surveillance from Jabot's resident turncoats who rarely show up at the office for anything except to stir up more mayhem. Well enough about legal and illegal eavesdropping among Jabot and N&E employers and their unscrupulous employees', I just have to say how pleasurable it was to see Amber the Skankaroo, get her just desserts after "Sugar-Cane" told her for the hundredth time that he considers her the lowest member of the food chain. I mean, viewers clearly can see that this character is tasteless, tacky and trashy but who could have guessed she was stupid as hell, as well? My God, what a regular bubblehead, looks like Sharon the Sleaze has company. What kind of woman with any self-respect comes sniffing around a man after he treats her like she's some hooker he hired for the night the way Cane did when he kicked her to the curb the last time they got horizontal? Oh right I forget, Amber the "B" in heat, has no comprehension of what it means to have self-respect. If they choose to stick that bleached piece of garbage with poor, misguided Daniel the Dweeb, then he deserves every bit of heartache she is bound to cast his way. Is it not common knowledge that Amber is not into any man who doesn't bring the bling? Last time I checked, Lily's ex is not a trust fund kid the likes of a Chancellor or a Newman. On a final note, Lily and Cane seem to be winning votes of approval from the majority and I am personally in full support of them as the team to beat but and yes, there is one and her name is Heather the Horrible. What were those flirtatious looks about anyway that chick who truly bears no resemblance to Paul, who one viewer marked, last week, is actually wearing a piece, was casting in Sugar-Cane's direction? Well, if he is, kudos to him because I never would have suspected and think GC's numero uno P.I. is still quite the dish and his daughter is the dud who had her hungry eyes all over "Sugar-Cane" last week. Damn, could she have been more obvious with the I don't know many people, wanna catch a movie, sometime, if your girlfriend doesn't mind routine? I mean really, who was "Heather the Horrible" really trying to kid because Cane the babe saw right through her bumbling attempt at subtlety from the first syllable. I do know one thing for certain I will just about lose it if they stick this woman with less personality than a fir tree with that fine piece of eye candy! What are those writers thinking if they are doing any thinking at all to even entertain the thought of coupling these two? What a typical mistake for them to make, destroy couples with beaucoup chemistry only to replace them with those that couldn't be further from sizzling! Oh my God, I guess I had more than a little to say, so please forgive my ranting but the scribblers at Y&R, make it so delightfully easy! Well, I think that about sums up my reflections of the latest week in GC so let me just bid everyone still hoping for a turn around in Y&R's storylines, happy viewing. Maybe Jack will lose that Senate seat, wouldn't that be sweet!