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 Two Scoops: June 18, 2007 columns
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Greg Rikaart
The body of the month
by Nita
For the Week of June 18, 2007
In keeping with the recent trend, Plum is the next Genoa City resident to meet with rigor mortis.
In keeping with Y&R's recent trend, Plum is the next Genoa Citian body to meet with rigor mortis. Okay, so technically he should probably be referred to as a transient rather than a resident, since had a fan blinked or missed a week, they wouldn't have a clue as to who he is. Was.

All right, I get that Plum is obviously just a device to trace the outline for the next preposterous plot, but still. First of all, the man has a sports bag full of untraceable cash. So he comes to Genoa City to try to extort money from Amber. Because he's so in love with her and wants her back. Right. Then, he climbs on a chair, falls down, and just like Humpty Dumpty, apparently cracks his crown in so many places, all the Kings Horses and all the Kings ... yeah, all the rest of that. How considerate of him to die so very neatly, without so much as a droplet of indelible blood to mar his landlord's carpet and catch the microscopic eye of CSI.

And upon kicking in the bedroom door and discovering said body, could there have been a louder commotion than the one led by an ear piercingly shrieking Amber? It's lucky she didn't bring down the roof, let alone bring on a foursome of Genoa City's inept law enforcers. Even funnier was her equally loud hysteria immediately after Cane left the bedroom, but long, long before he could have possibly reached the apartment door. Heck, even had he hurried, he would still likely have heard her caterwauling from inside the elevator at the street level. And even in Genoa City, where it's believed there's little to make a resident's eyebrows rise, 911 should have been dialed by every neighbor on two floors in both directions.

Rigor mortis? Remember that? Well not on the bodies in Genoa City. This one is still flexible enough to cram beneath the guest room bed, prior, presumably, to being trundled all over town by two of the stooges and their blindingly blonde bimbo. Gee, where's a former felon on a motorcycle and a convenient sewer when you really, really need one? Speaking of the complete idiocy of transporting that dead body to another location, the question that immediately leaps to this fan's mind is ... why? It's not as if Plum's death is that hard to figure out. Even for the fumbling force in Genoa City. Hmm, overturned chair, fully clothed body splayed out on the floor, not a single bludgeon mark on head or body. Replace the cash with his underwear and voila, it's a wrap, a finding of accidental death.

I know, I know, I'm not supposed to think that deeply, or dissect these implausible plots in hopes of finding a kernel of something sensible. I should have learned by now to sit through these hourly offerings with brain unplugged, silently shoveling down the sometimes unpalatable portions plopped on my plate, right? Well, color me a constant complainer with my fool head stuck in the clouds for hoping to be fed a bit more adult fare. I thought this was a serial drama. These days, it feels more like Comedy Central. Except most of the time I'm not laughing.

Okay, enough of my discontent. Chalk it up to me just missing some of what used to be.

By the way, congrats to LeBlanc and Bryton on their Emmy wins. I don't usually pay much attention to award shows, short attention span, I guess, but I did watch bits and pieces of this one. I'm a one-soap gal with no plans to cheat, but I confess a couple of the clips from other shows were intriguing, almost had me tempted to drop in and see what they were all about. Luckily I quickly recovered my senses.

Nice to see Nick again, especially shirtless, although my first impression of Nurse Whoever weren't what I would consider favorable. Who admits she sometimes prefers trees to people. Like fan Deb, it was beyond unbelievable that this woman, excuse me, intern, is just hiking along, no phone, far from her car and stumbles on Nick, and a dilapidated cabin coincidentally leans handily nearby. How long has she been out there? Hours? Days? Weeks? If the answer is not choice #3, then how is it possible she hasn't read a newspaper or caught the breaking news bites about Nick Newman, one of the heirs to globally known Newman Enterprises, going down in a plane? At least when this similar scenario was played out with Victor and Hope in the roles of the mysterious injured gentlemen and his Nurse Nightingale, Hope had the excuse of being blind and secluded. Fast forward to this retread version, which only time will tell whether it will be an improvement on its predecessor. Obviously Nick has some of his memory because he clearly remembers Cassie. Finding out how much more memory he retains could be interesting. Like does he remember he's married with child to Phyllis? And will he, like his father before him, fall in love with the damsel who rescued him from his distress? What happens next could be interesting if someone, who shall remain unnamed, doesn't fumble the storyline ball. Anyway, I hope Nurse Nightingale doesn't dawdle too long in the Wisconsin forest.

After a slow start, I'm beginning to enjoy the Sharon/Phyllis dynamic. Regardless of what might happen in the future, I don't believe that Phyllis has designs on Jack at the moment. Of course, even if she did, it would be a little hard to feel too sorry for Sharon since while I know she cares for Jack, I just don't buy their union as the love affair of the century. All that aside, though, I really love the idea of these two working together to knock Miss Nose in the Air off her self-erected pedestal. Because if anyone needs to have their balloon pricked with the point of a pin so it will blow up in her sanctimonious face and give her a shiner, it's Nikki. Pairing her with slime like Chow is perfect, because she's become as sleazy as him in a very short time. It's a good thing Chow keeps reminding her and us how terrible it is that Victor left her to mourn her son alone. Because nothing about her behavior or demeanor would have clued me in that she was in such a state. I still say, what mother of any worth, refuses to attend her son's memorial on the grounds that it would be too hard for her. Oh and it was a carefree stroll through the park for everybody else who loved him. On top of that, she barely took a steadying breath after a choked off sob, before she was viciously wielding the shovel that buried her daughter up to her neck in extramarital muck. Co-campaign manager, Karen, might as well transfer her allegiance to the competition. Because lately whenever this trio gathers to pick more meat off the bones of Jack, Karen's treated like an unwanted third wheel. Kind of like when you're stuck in the back seat of the car, straining to hear over the blaring radio, the conversation being carried on in the front. Maybe it's just me, but I really want Nikki to lose this race. And I can't wait to see what kind of comeuppance Victor will plan for Mr. David Nasty Man Chow. How refreshing it could be to see him set his vengeful glare on someone else besides Jack for a change. If only.

It's not much, but Gloria learning William is, while undoubtedly not a pauper, definitely not the millionaire she thought she married, is at least partial payback for her man-trapping schemes. Of course, she claims now that his money doesn't matter in the slightest since its love not money she married the man for. I know that's what she says, but come on, this is Gold-digging Glo we're talking about. A woman who is never, ever long without a scheme percolating in the back of her calculating skull. The company William inherited is riddled with debt? No matter. Glo will probably turn the faucets of her tear ducts on full blast and tearfully convince some wealthy Genoa Citian into taking the albatross from around William's neck. Poor, poor William, I can already hear her pitifully whispering to whatever mark she will pick out, while dabbing repeatedly at her eyes with a wadded up hanky, is practically destitute and I need to sell his company so I can take care of my beloved. I guess I'll ignore the fact that William works for the State of Wisconsin and if it's anything like most city and state entities, likely has health benefits private sector folks might murder for. A fool and his money are soon parted, it's been said. And in Genoa City, there is always a fool to be easily found when Gloria is the one doing the seeking.

As reported on many sites throughout cyberspace, just like that proverbial bad penny, Jana has rolled back into Kevin's life. Via computer and cell phone, of course, is there any other way these days in this town? Using stolen computers and presumably equally warm cell phones, Jana is filled with empty apologies and worthless avowals of adoration. So what does she hope to gain? With Daddy long dispatched by Bradley George Kaplan Carlton and with him, any chance of a life of leisure paid for with stolen treasure, little Jana might possibly be all alone in the cold cruel world, not to mention broke. I think it's a given that it's not love for Kevin that has her popping in and out of his life, but need. Of money. And since blackmail is a way of life for these people, could some variation of it be coming? Sure, Kevin doesn't have any. At least he didn't before he and his cohorts laid their eyes on Plum's plunder. What is it that Jana might have to dangle over Kevin's confused head? Let's see, how about that long ago video starring Alex as a molester of maidens, namely her? Or the fact that Kevin confessed his crime of attempted murder to her? Is there a statute of limitations on that? Did Jana get his confession on tape? Time will tell.

Even as Daniel paid a substantial sum for a learned professional to listen attentively to his tale of pornographic woe, lies continued to drip like water from a leaky faucet from his petulantly pouting mouth. No, it was never like that he insisted when his wife wondered if she was being unfavorably compared to some cyber goddess. So why then did he rush to the booteek to buy his bride the same tawdry teddy Amber was bouncing about the bedroom in? I'm sure the memory of Amber's pale limbs never once entered his head when Lily donned it and paraded self-consciously before him. Right. And did Daniel learn any lessons from his too close association with Amber? Of course he hasn't which is why I wish Lily would never take his wishy-washy fabricating butt back. Because even after he saw what blindly following her advice had already cost him, instead of cutting his losses and Amber loose, he continued to show little sign of a bracing backbone against her hairbrained schemes and lets her lead him even deeper into deceit.

Without an apparent care in the world as to who the father of the baby just begun might be, Victoria is enjoying the sweet taste of revenge against the man who betrayed her. Even less thought is being given to the Company her father entrusted her with, the running of which she has turned over almost 100% to Neil Winters. He's been waiting a long time to be in charge. I just hope he's enjoying it for the short time it is probably going to last. Victor should be rolling back into town any time and Nick isn't likely to be far behind him, though it may take him awhile to get back up to speed considering his impaired memory.

In the where are they now category, whatever happened to Rocky? Were the tips that bad at Gina's? Did he hop on his sturdy steed and gallop back to the cowboy bar?

Although I'm certain I'm leaving plenty out, that's it, that's all for me. You're up next, fans!

* * * * * * *


DEB - I jumped up and down with glee when Gloworm found out William inherited a company riddled with debt! Since they are legally married she should be responsible for his hospital care. She may have to hit her favorite daughter-in-law up for a loan to pay for his long term care. But since she is so totally in love with the DA she should be willing to hock her diamonds to ensure he is well taken care of. Phyllis finally took a shower! She must have been pretty ripe after about three days on the couch in that same dress and whatnot. Vikki and J.T. ... ugh! Nikki kissing David Chow ... ugh! Amber is awful and Daniel? Why can't he just tell the truth? It is so true he is his mother's son. Now he's lying about their finances and poor Lily is going to get a big surprise when her college tuition check bounces all the way to Timbuktu! The show has actually gotten better in the last while. I haven't had to FF too often, just through Amber's scenes. Her voice is like fingernails on a chalk board! I am looking forward to what the writers do with Nick's return. Hopefully he will have amnesia and think he is still married to Sharon, that would really stir things up!

CABC -Yes, yes, yes, fast is fine, but a little slower and a bit more thorough is better! You said it Nita! GMAB! This is not Passions! Phyllis in the same clothes X 3 is just plain nasty and unbearable. Decent s/l, but way too far out there. I keep watching saying ok this s/l is going to be good, they're going to do the damn thing this time, and what happens, I end up screaming saying what the hell just happened here? Nita, why haven't you applied for head writer?

AMY -Wait a second. Nick is rescued by an intelligent, beautiful doctor who (a) hikes alone , apparently without giving anyone her location and without a gps phone, (b) travels without a medical kit - this needs stitches - hello! you're a doctor! No thread and needle? No antibiotics? Please! One more thing - I now know for sure Genoa City is definitely not in Canada - a 2 week waiting time for an MRI is incredibly short up here!

TABI - Ok usually you catch everything. No one, not any of your fans caught the fact that Phyllis is laying on the couch. If my back hurt I would want the bed, not that hard stuffy sofa. Then if I have to lay on that hard sofa, can I please change from that dress I have had on now for a month. Ugh. Everyone around her has had a bath and changed clothes but her. Gloria should come with a warning label: I have killed my last two husbands. Third is on a banana peel and slipping fast. I had a miscarriage, of course, wasn't in soap land but I was told no sex for six weeks. Did Victoria get off the table from being told she miscarried and hop right into J.T.'s bed to have him comfort her so that she is now pregnant again?

SANDI - I don't know if someone has referred to Phyllis' fake back problems, but isn't this what Diane Jenkins did to Jack and Phyllis back when they were married? I guess what goes around, comes around. Keep up the good commentaries.

SHER - Daniel is a complete moron and I have zero sympathy for him. While I wouldn't have a problem with my husband looking at porn, I agree with Lily that I'd prefer for him to look at porn stars rather than real people and I certainly wouldn't tolerate him subscribing to a swingers' site, posting photos of himself and telling women he's single; so I have to side with Lily on this one. But what makes Daniel a bigger idiot is his insistence on listening to Amber and doing favors for her when she has done nothing but cause him problems from the start. Why didn't he come clean when Lily first found the porn, tell her he didn't know it bothered her and promise to stop? Why didn't he tell her he got a bad work review (she would've found out anyway)? Why didn't he tell her he'd been phished even if not how it had happened? Why doesn't he stay away from Amber considering his wife and her husband both want him to? Considering his wife has already asked if he's sleeping with Amber, why is he getting secret mobile phones with her that will ultimately make him look even more guilty? Why is he pretending to be Plum's former employer and giving this guy he knows nothing about a place to stay? And why oh why oh why is he helping to hide a dead body when any smart person would have just called the police? He is going to find himself in jail and I will be laughing until tears come to my eyes as Y&R does one of its famous getting booked scenes.

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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