Because these days in Genoa City, finding one of those seem to be just about as easy as locating that proverbial hen's tooth. But there is certainly no dearth of villains in town or out.
Take Michael Baldwin, for instance. Once one of my adored favorites, over the past year I have come to harbor a whole new disrespect for Mr. Michael Baldwin. Never the most moral of men to begin with, his recent behavior of late brings him closer to the category of pond scum. (Although were I in need of his blur the legal lines expertise, I guess I wouldn't mind his filth polluting my body of water). But I'm not currently in need, so I do mind. I guess it's true that too much familiarity can indeed breed a somewhat sneering contempt. Like a highly paid harlot, Genoa City's only apparent counselor spreads his mind wide open and performs disreputable deeds for the man with the biggest wallet in Genoa City. And as he eagerly goes about his illegal activities, it would certainly seem he learned absolutely nothing from the last time he risked his law license; fetching, carrying and obeying Victor's every terse bribery command. Perhaps in tiny type marching along the bottom of his business card ought to be added the words: Am willing to bend the law until I break it.
Michael's hatred for Jack obviously fueling many of his waking moments, his mouth was practically salivating in delicious anticipation of how wonderful Jack's cooked carcass was going to taste once he and Victor had forced a blade into JiMin's hands and ordered him to plunge it repeatedly in Jack's arrogant back. And Michael had the nerve to accuse JiMin of being Jack's stringed wooden boy! I guess it takes one Pinocchio to recognize another because if anyone is always being yanked about by strings controlled by someone else, it is he.
I confess I was kind of disappointed in JiMin at how easily he caved. I guess it didn't cross his mind that by doing so he was probably only exchanging one puppetmaster for another. Or if he did, perhaps he felt it more prudent to have Jack as a furious foe than Victor. How much more fun it would have been to see him team with Jack and somehow turn the tables on Michael and Victor. Of course, while I wouldn't exactly claim he was cornered between a rock and a hard place, I do understand why he felt he had to put his best interests above Jack's. It's not as if Jack has never failed to treat him like an equal with working brain cells. On the contrary, on more than one occasion, Jack has callously swatted him and his ideas down like you would a pesky mosquito. Giving JiMin no real reason to have any lasting loyalty to his tyrannical employer. . Too, since it was more likely than not Victor and his law card carrying gofer would have eventually found the proof they needed, I suppose there wasn't a whole lot of hero-ing JiMin could do.
Speaking of Villian, I mean Victor, I see some king somewhere got up from his throne giving Victor the opportunity to plop his behind into it and immediately start pretending he was ruler of all the land. As if Victor in his hatred and deception is any better than Jack. So Jack tricked the man who secretly thought he was too smart to be foolish. Just as Victor once believed Jack was his friend, Jack believed Victor was his. Yes, Jack took advantage of a man who had temporarily misplaced some of his marbles. And it's not as if Jack didn't feel any remorse whatsoever for what he did before he started to give at least a little hoot for the man. Victor was the one who begged Jack to work for him. Jack didn't know he was sick at the time. Besides all that, Victor has done a whole lot worse to Jack and his family in the past. And he made it clear just getting back NVP was only the beginning, not the end. So why should his current actions and this grand plan of his to bring Jack to his knees be any more above reproach? Just another case of a Genoa Citian figuring two wrongs will make everything right as rain again.
By the way, if he did get NVP back, who on earth would have time to oversee the day-to-day? With Phyllis on forced leave, Jack shoved out, Nikki racing pell mell down the campaign trail, and Victor busy tweaking the fine points of his Get Jack plan, who else is left?
Anyway, it looked for a moment or two that Victor had easily and thoroughly squashed Jack yet again (yawn). But thankfully for this fan, Jack was able to think quickly on his feet. Regurgitating the contents of his obviously queasy stomach into the break room sink must have cleared his head. So sure he had stomped the little man Jack into groveling submission, Victor didn't bother to cover the rest of his backside, and galloped to gloat the good news to his smirking wife that she and he once again owned NVP, though to this fan's knowledge, neither money nor signed documents have changed hands. Which gave Jack just enough time to race around the mulberry bush and get ahead of Victor. Throwing himself on the mercy of used to be family friend, Kay, by omitting a few key facts, Jack will presumably convince Kay to buy back Jabot. After which I expect him to immediately renege on his earnest "all you had to do was ask and I would have gladly given NVP back" words to Victor. And should that occur, ohh, expect to have to cover your ears against the explosive sentences that will come pouring out of Victor's enraged mouth. What Jack's done is akin to poking the tiger with a pointed stick through the bars of his cage unaware the zookeeper had accidentally left it unlocked. Jack may have escaped with the skin on his back for the moment, but eventually he's probably going to get severely mauled.
Of course not everyone in town is a villain. Some are villainesses. Like that annoying Gloria Fisher. Does this woman ever lose? Yes, I know she lost John's money, but come on, after what she did to his company and the reputation of his daughter, most fans would agree she didn't deserve it anyway. And yes, I know there are fans who feel she should have gotten it anyway because she really loved John, and he wanted her to have it. To that I say, baloney. Gloria loves only herself and the money of whatever male sap is silly enough to think the greedy gleam in her eyes is actually because she's hungry for him instead of the balance she hopes is written in his bank book. That brazen broad had the gall to claim she and William have presumably reached the magical and advanced where neither need play games. Hell, that's all that bimbo knows how to do. And I'd wager she'll be in the midst of some complicated manipulation even as the Devil calls her dead beat butt home.
So, given her track record of always being able to make snow angels in mounds of manure, yet still arise smelling like one of those sickly sweet scents in her perfume bottle bracelet, I didn't even bother to get excited when she raised her sleeve and inadvertently showed an eavesdropping Lauren one of the aces she had taped to her arm. When confronted, it took gold-digging Gloria all of one inhaled breath to blame her contaminating deed on Jack for daring to send the samples out early. Well, I dare say that had Gloria informed Jack she had contaminated the cream with cleaning solvent, he probably would have waited. Everything is Jack's fault. About the only crime she hasn't hung around his neck, is her decision to stand idly by while her husband abused her boys.
Will Gloria get her man? Well, she hasn't failed to yet. So why would I think this time would be any different?
And if I had a hope in the back of my boiling brain that Lauren might stand up and be a hero instead of a zero, it was dashed to dust before it had even come to full fruition. Because after a few stuttering disjointed sentences in an accusatory tone to Gloria, and later, a few more aimed at her deceptive husband, just like that, Lauren's emotional storm had run its course and the sun was shining once again over the Baldwin den of deceivers.
It's funny, but not the ha-ha kind, how these people tend to focus on the smaller, more unimportant aspects of a situation. For example, though I listened hard, I heard not a single syllable from Lauren about how Michael knew the tainted cream was Gloria's fault all along, yet let Jack be the scapegoat and get shoved out of his own family company. Instead, Lauren's lament seemed to be more about Michael keeping secrets from her than the fact that a woman is dead and a man was unjustly blamed for it. Get used to life led thusly, Lauren, because you haven't even scratched the surface of the deep deception and sordid secrets buried in your man.
And no one would ever mistake Daniel for a hero either. "Porn has become my life," his t-shirt should tout. When busted by his wife, who was masquerading as some online Luscious Lips to whom he had responded, Daniel dropped to all fours and cowardly crept out instead of standing up like the man he's supposed to be. See why children ought to listen to their Mommies, who most of the time hit the nail right on its round little noggin. It took awhile for Dru to be proven right, but in the end her mother wit was right on target regarding Phyllis' bad seed. Just as she suspected, Daniel is a loser and Lily never should have married him.
And boy did I hear echoes of his Mommy in some of his excuses. Didn't his "I really messed up this time," sound similar to the phrase Phyllis often has been heard to utter, except his voice was higher? And just like Mommy, despite whatever remorseful words are used, he doesn't really believe he's done anything wrong. And what was all of that nonsense he spouted to explain his bad employment review? Don't you think he was stretching things more than a little when he claimed his mother's extortion was supposedly one of the straws that had broke the back of his camel and left him an emotional wreck? How could that be when he had only found out about it the same day he got his review?
While I'm on the subject of Phyllis, like many other Genoa Citians, experience is no teacher to her. How else to explain why she would use veiled blackmail in an attempt to solve her current blackmail problem? "It's me, I did this," muttered Phyllis, dropping her voice an octave and shaking her head helplessly in what is supposed to resemble remorse. Of course, whatever remorse she's pretending is usually gone by the time we return from the next commercial break.
And lest any fan out there believe Phyllis might have landed in water over her head this time, don't fret. After all, it's Bardwell who's trying to bring her to justice. Do you think he ever tires of being called the dumb as dirt DA or blind as a bat barrister behind his back? The man not only never wins a case, his cases are so weak they rarely even make it to the court docket list.
But finally, I found my hero, and in the unlikeliest of Genoa City people. Now hold tight to the arms of your chair everybody, because I'm about to write something that might literally jolt many of you right out of your seats. Drum roll ……… my hero is …….
Yep, that's what I wrote and you're reading it right. If I could say nothing else good about Phyllis, I have to give her one thing. She stands firm for her friends. Okay, except for that brief fallout with the Baldwins. She did it against Jack when she stood up for Victor. And this time she's did it for Jack against Victor. Speaking of that, how ever did Victor form his lips to say to Phyllis: You're talking to me about ethics? The woman charged with extortion? Oh right, like Victor has room to point a finger at her, the old convicted of bribery felon. He wouldn't recognize ethics if it marched right up and kissed him on the mouth. I was proud of Phyllis not just for standing up for Jack, but for her sympathetic support for how and what he did. And she did it even though he had just helped Nikki push her from NVP. Now, that's a hero! I still say those two are fire together.
I got a kick out of fan Jeanette's comment (below). Considering the convoluted trail of bodies that make up the branches of Noah's family tree, he may forever need therapy. As Jeannette points out, his mom did indeed just marry the man once married to his grandmother, who was also former stepfather to his dad. And his dad married the woman he was cheating on Noah's mom with, resulting in his stepsister. The same woman, by the way, who was also once married to the man his Mom and Grandmother can now or have in the past called Hubby. And said stepmommy's son (now his step-brother) is the reason his half-sister Cassie no longer walks the earth, no matter how indirectly Daniel was at fault. And Cassie's dad is dead because one of his Mom's one-night stands wanted to make her believe she had killed him, so sacrificed Cassie's dad for a decoy. Then there's the fact that his Aunt Victoria is married to his Grandfather's daughter's adopted dad, and is now step-mommy to his cousin, Abby. And don't forget Abby's mother was once married to his Grandfather, and one of his Aunt Victoria's former as well as current husbands. Said woman who also just happens to be the sister of the man now married to his mother, once married to his stepmother, and grandmother.
But I can't solely single out Sharon for being part of a relationship many fans feel carries at least a slight stench of the ick factor. Brad and Victoria are a bit fragrant too, with quite an age span between them, not to mention that he was once nearly wed to her mother. Then there's the definite stink of Brad's marriages to two sisters. And Jack is certainly not standing on a hill alone when it comes to bedding brides much younger. Victor belongs right next to him. And while Phyllis didn't exactly rob the cradle by cuddling with Nick, it is presumed he was still in grade school while she was busy doctoring DNA to make it match Danny's. Yes, the men in this city have been passed around like a plate of hot hors d'oeuvres, with just about every woman in GC picking one of them up at one time or another to nibble on if not gobble down whole. So it pays not to think too deeply about the women they've shared, at least not when you're eating. So, given the entwined and overlapping sexual history of many who live here, Noah probably isn't the only one who could benefit from extensive therapy.
In the where did that go category, I find myself wondering: What of Victor's bribery of Senator Bodie? When Jack asked, did Bodie tell? And why didn't Kevin ever use the key to his father's safe deposit box? People don't normally rent deposit boxes to leave them empty. Wasn't Jack furious with Sharon when he discovered her second lie of omission? So when did they make up?
And lastly, there was not a dry eye in the house at the end of the week when Ma and Pa Newman learned the Newman jet had gone down with their son aboard. I wonder, was Wally the pilot? Of course, we all know Nick is likely not really gone forever. It's rumored that the plot was concocted during stalled contract talks, and had agreement not been reached, that was probably the way he would have been done away with. But now that his name has been inked on the contract's dotted line, I trust he will resurface in the near future. He's lucky. Because we all saw what happened to Sharon the last time she took too long to reach a contract agreement. She was given to Cameron and the rest, as they say, is sordid history. And she has yet to live that down.
Thanks, fans, for your patience for my very late column. My life is a soap opera except I can't fast forward or just turn it off. I have to walk through each and every scene. See ya next week, except earlier in it. Now, here's what you thought about the week.