Leave it to Queen Colleen-A-Drama to crash the mini Winters-Romalotti party, face set in gloomy lines, wet, wooly blanket in hand, and without a word, start flinging it wildly about until every millimeter of merriment within miles had been smothered out of existence. Once the goblets of Hawaiian Punch were little more than bits of broken glass and all that remained of the celebratory moment was a fond memory and a thin wisp of smoke, which Colleen-A-Drama impatiently waved away, the Queen, with a huge inhale that sucked all the air from the room and turned her tummy concave, began to serenade the assembled would-be revelers with a whiny refrain they'd all heard too many times before. One that began shrilly with her jealous ex, lowered two octaves to her pontificating professor and finally made its surefooted way back to the most important subject of all: herself.
Awww, it's just heck being me, poor Queen D lamented loudly, emitting a self-pitying sniff for good measure. That darn J.T. she cried, wringing her hands in weary exasperation. He's here, he's there, he's everywhere I am. Like everyone who's anyone doesn't constantly criss cross each other's paths multiple times a day in one or another of the only three places they all frequent.
But it's not Colleen-A-Drama who gets my sympathy vote. It's J.T.. For being so besotted with the girl who once caught and had bronzed every word that fell from his lips, but now wouldn't toss him a life jacket were he drowning in a deep and choppy sea, that he willingly humiliates himself daily. All for the love of Colleen. How funny to see J.T., once a sought after playboy where women clamored to be his one-night stand, being reduced to a pitiful puppy panting after a pouty prima donna, begging for a bone. Who woulda thunk it? And how many find it believable?
What is it about the constantly complaining one and her choice of Adonis' anyway? Must her every romance be a re-enactment of Romeo and Juliet? Am I the only fan who could do without another round of 'We're so in love but nobody wants us to be together'? It worked okay when Colleen was an innocent young thing of 15 and madly in love with the boy three years older. But that was five long years ago and though it's a different fella, she's still crooning the same old tune. And as she so often reminds us, she is an adult now; so the young ingťnue hopelessly infatuated with the older and more experienced suitor just doesn't work for me anymore. Maestro, could we have a different song please?
Like maybe a mini-symphony featuring Kevin and Colleen. Sure, he tried to kill her once, but what's an attempted murder between friends? After all, this is Genoa City, where anything goes and it can go on between any two members of the opposite sex, no matter how unlikely their coupling or how many decades divide them. Yeah, I know many fans will vehemently disagree with me, but I'd really like to see what drama could come of coupling Kevin and Colleen together. It might just be me, but I thought Colleen and J.T. were as hard to choke down as a slice of dry toast. And while there is some heat generated between Colleen and Professor K, the taunting of J.T., purposely mispronouncing his name, taking his picture, paying his tab, has disappointedly dumbed the Professor way down. And if I never saw another scene of the two of them giggling over his bottomless batches of slides in dire need of Colleen cataloging, I would expire a happy girl. Not to mention the frequent flashbacks. Anyway, although it's possible I'm only seeing what I want to see, when coupled with Kevin, Colleen comes across more natural and genuine than I found her with the others.
But, enough about Colleen and her Lifetime movie existence. There are other residents in need of my attention so I will obligingly turn my spotlight on them.
Like Gloria Fisher. While it's true I haven't hurt myself trying to like her, she continues to make it easy not to. By the way, though I can't stand her scandalous ways, I did adore her hairdo. But back to why she treads on my last nerve. Like other Teflon coated residents, the dirty stuff she does just doesn't seem to stick to her. When it comes to Gloria and her hatred for Jack, it's like the greasy pot pointing out the scum clinging to the rim of the skillet. Yes, I know Jack cheated her out of the inheritance John meant for her, but knowing what we know about her, did she really deserve to have it? Jack couldn't snatch the Abbott name from her and she trades on it at every opportunity. And it's hard to imagine how she manages to choke out the accusation that Jack nearly destroyed Jabot when it was her cream tampering actions that really sent it skating across the thin ice of bankruptcy. I guess it must be true that if you tell yourself something long enough, you'll come to believe it's the gospel truth. Jabot almost collapsed all right, but it wasn't from the weight of Jack hanging onto it.
So just how many times are Gloria and Kevin going to learn about Jack's dirty dealings by hacking into the Jabot computer? You would think Jack would have learned his lesson about leaving an easy to spot electronic trail. If he doesn't want a face to face contact with Ji Min, why doesn't he transmit his wishes via cell phone. After all, like most of his fellow Genoa Citians, it's all but been surgically attached to his ear. For all the privacy his emails have and the ease with which the Fishers unearth them, he may as well just cc Kevin and Gloria directly and eliminate the middleman hacking. Do none of these people ever empty their e-trash? Why wouldn't Ji Min delete it once it was read? Was he afraid he'd forget? Of course, with Kevin, since Forensic Files and CSI claim nothing is ever really erased from a computer, Kevin would have only come up with a program to find what wasn't readily readable to their naked, nosy eyes. Anyway, after this recent act of eavesdropping on this email and likely more incriminating emails to come, I would imagine it won't be long before Jack discovers that soon neither he nor Ji Min will have any real say in how Jabot is run. Gloria is liable to have both of them jumping like trained poodles through ever higher hoops at her barked commands.
Okay, Extreme Catwalk. I don't know what it will do for fashion, and I really don't much care. I mean, as judges we are talking about Jill and Gloria, who out of all the ladies in Genoa City, have most often made somewhat odd choices when it came to attire and accessories. Which does make me smile a bit at the thought of those two putting in their two cents about someone else's fashion picks. But that's just my uneducated opinion. You may not agree. Anyway that was all beside the point. What I'm really wondering about is whether EC is about judging possible fashion faux pas or is/was its purpose something else entirely? Like, one, letting everyone with an internet connection know that Cane is Jill's son. And, that Amber is said son's spouse. Just who will that film cause to come crawling out of the woodwork? Porno freaks and addicts, half-blind in the bright light, their eyes too long accustomed to the low, limited light from their computer monitor, in hopes of meeting in person the blonde bimbo face they've seen simpering at them from cyberspace. .Please, please, please, let Allie be watching and hearing the sweet, cha-ching sound of the Chancellor cash register clanging loudly in her ears. We already know from sister Emily that Allie has been known to do questionable things to make a quick buck. So why not add blackmail of her old pal Amber to her resume?
The warning, be careful what you wish for has been stated over and over. Rumor has it that Daniel's portrayer has been somewhat discontented with his back burner storyline status. Well, he's simmering no longer. His pot is near to boiling. Too bad it makes him look like something that crawled from beneath a mossy rock. You have to kind of feel sorry for Lily. Given what she doesn't yet know, perhaps the celebration at the end of the Winter's long-playing problems should have been postponed to some other year. But so far, I'm guessing Daniel's obsession is being played pretty close to reality. At least judging from my limited experience. Which was gleaned from a guy who told me about a guy who is allegedly addicted to the internet perusal of porn. Of course he's plus 40, not barely 20 and he's legally tied to a not really dowdy, but definitely not a hot young thing. And while she spends her nights pining for pleasure upstairs, her hubby surfs for sex in the dimly lit basement. And there is innocent, trusting Lily, cordially welcoming the bottled blonde snake into her home, filling her chock full of food and drink, while behind her back, Amber lures an eager Daniel ever deeper into the swamp of her internet life. Maybe instead of poking her nose in the PI's affairs of the heart, chastising him for his single-minded stalking of Colleen, Lily's time might have been better spent keeping a more vigilant eye on what her own love was up to.
Their brief truce over and done with, the Chancellor women have gone back to their near lifelong tradition of ripping each other to shreds. As I have said many times before, I often find myself wondering why Jill, being that she's so disgusted with what Mommy did not just when she was supposedly too sick to notice her son had been switched with a lookalike, but during their long history together, doesn't kick herself out of the Chancellor mansion and find a mansion of her own. Why would anyone want to continue to live side by side with someone they so thoroughly detest? I doubt it would take much persuading to convince her gold-digging daughter-in-law to join her and with her, her new found son. Speaking of that son, who else thinks we're looking at Jana's replacement, Crimson Lights next manager? And while I'm on the subject of Cane, I'm really enjoying both the budding relationship he's building with Jill and the one I expect he will eventually build with Kay. I can see him as a calming force between the two headstrong women. He's made a nice addition to Genoa City and once he's pried Amber from his wallet, I look forward to seeing whose card he'll draw next from the romantic pile.
Moving on to another pairing, it's kind of funny that Nick with all his millions can't seem to buy himself a good wife. First he had Sharon, who unfortunately never learned the knack of keeping both her legs and her lips locked against extramarital intruders. Now he's wed to a murder-minded manipulator who doesn't even blink at betrayal and blackmail. Who lies fluently to her beloved, covers his face with her kisses, while over his shoulder spears Brad with her cold, taunting gaze, without so much as a facial tic to give her away.
And just what is going on with Phyllis' total and unquestioning support of Jack, his campaign and his vision for NVP? Could it be there is a calculated method to her madness that no one has yet considered? Like, wouldn't it be something if she had a better plan in her head than the Great and Powerful Oz Newman has concocted? Think about it. With Jack busy Senator-ing, he couldn't possibly have much time to spare for NVP. And who better to retake the reins than its rightful owner. Herself. And now that Nikki has tossed her little felt fedora in the political ring, it could wind up being a win-win situation for the feisty redhead. Because if Nikki wins, she'd likely have no more time to spare than Jack would. And though Phyllis has no clue about Victor's plan, if it really does entail cutting Jack off at the knees, the running of NVP would still land squarely in Phyllis' lap. Of course since we are talking about Genoa City, though most Senators would normally spend a good portion of their time debating various matters in Washington, the Wisconsin senator would likely be able to fulfill the bulk of his or her duties from one of the breakrooms at Newman.
I know Victor has his knickers all in an uncomfortable twist because Nikki is refusing to bow down and do as she's told. But despite all his threats to take down his own wife should she inadvertently get caught in the crossfire meant for Jack, I don't really see him turning his back on his beloved. Something tells me he may alter whatever plan he has and wind up yanking his support out from under Jack's expensive loafers at the eleventh and most crucial hour and transfer it to his wife But with Senator Nikki at the helm, hell bent on doing something on her own and determined to make a difference, it could end up that for the first time in history, Victor won't have a powerful politician in his pocket. Though I know it has as much chance of happening as a snowflake does of remaining unmelted in the hot place, it would make my day to see a contrite Jack reach deep down inside himself, unearth his conscience and confess his dirty dealings to Victor before he has them rubbed painfully in his face.
On to Clear Springs. Jack said the town is all for his project. Victoria wants to save the town. But what exactly do the townsfolk want? Wouldn't it be a painful kick to Victoria's know-it-all posterior to discover they cared more about eating and making a wage that would help keep a roof over their heads instead of repairing the crumbling roofs of buildings no one lives in? And should Victoria prevail and stop Jack's Clear Springs vision from coming to pass, is there really enough interest in Wisconsin architecture to keep tourists flocking to their town year round in openmouthed astonishment, their fists filled with cash to distribute to all the citizens?
Okay, enough with John and his Casper the Chastising Ghost appearances. Of course Jack can't love Sharon like he loved Phyllis, or as much as he loved Phyllis. Who would even try to measure your new love by the same yardstick with which you measured your old? Did John love Gloria as much or the same as he did Jill or Dina. And what makes John such an expert anyway? One wife left him with children, the other slept with his son and ran off with a chunk of the family fortune, and with the final one, his poor silver-haired head was buried so deep in the sands of oblivion, he still can't see her for the manipulative, trailer tramp she still is beneath all that expensive clothing. Oh well, there's one benefit to most of the Newmans if Sharon actually marries Jack. She'll finally be off the Newman ranch.
So, it's another fresh start for Victoria and her purchased man. But not before reminding her husband, in a temporary rage, who really wears the suit pants in the family. By yanking him by the scuff of his neck straight off Granville Global and putting herself and Neil in his place. I remember when Neil practically dropped to both bended knees and begged to be allowed to continue to put his stamp on Granville, after having done the lion's share of the work to land the account, only to have Victoria kick him aside in her rush to ingratiate herself with her soon to be groom. Given Victoria's wishy-washy-ness Perhaps Neil shouldn't get too comfortable in his new position.
So does anyone else wonder how far Brad and Victoria will travel down the lane of new beginnings this time? Especially with Phyllis in possession of Brad's basket of dirty linen. Like I said before, Phyllis is the last person anyone would want in possession of a potentially marriage destroying secret. There is still way too much mileage left on that secret. No way Phyllis is going to be content to just drive the car one time then send it to the junkyard. In the end I would hazard a guess that she will derive a lot more enjoyment from that one-night stand than the participants ever did. What next? Will she force Brad to sell his Clear Springs properties or face the consequences?
And lastly, I just can't force myself to take my hands off the keys until I make one final cutting comment. What the heck was that stuck on the top of Nikki's head? Was there something living beneath that odd looking mound? I kept expecting some small animal to wriggle out, scamper across her skull and slide down her ponytail. What in the world was whoever did that thinking???
Okay all, that's my time and my opinions. Here's what you had to say..
MARYANN - The ridiculous reliquary story is finally over (supposedly). Where are Brad's mother, Rebecca, and Jana? A long storyline; no finalization. And, what was up with that cinnamon bun on top of Nikki's head on Tuesday's episode? That was the worst hairstyle ever! I couldn't even look at her. Off the show, how about Thad and Amelia getting married? I didn't even know they were seeing each other. Is she possibly pregnant in real life?
KENDRA - What is this? The Phyllis Show? Since when does Y&R center stories around Phyllis? I am so sick of this! They've tried to create this new persona of this beast of a creature as if the viewers haven't watched this show for years and don't know her history. Yes, her evil side is creeping back, but please burst her bubble ASAP. I am tired of flipping the channel every time Phyllis pops on my screen which is very often. And wow! Thanks for making Nick into this sappy, spineless little boy of a husband. Where's his back bone? Ugh! I am getting so sick of this show and I've been a viewer for over 20 years. Sharon has done wrong, but her character isn't this flighty, deceitful person the writers have now made her become. And what are they doing with Daniel and J.T.? Watching this show is becoming more and more frustrating! Ashley's character is gone. Dru's character has been made into a crazed woman and she's leaving. Phyllis is the star of the show. Nikki is posted up on her high throne. And now we have hoochie Amber! I just can't take this any longer. I hope they re-evaluate what is being done to the characters of this show.
ROCQUELLE - I just wanted to respond to one of your fans who said something along the lines of whoever disses Sharon probably just started watching the show because they just graduated and had nothing better to do [than diss Sharon and love Phyllis]. I have watched Y&R since I was 8yrs. old. and I am in my twenties now. I respect everyone's opinion about the show and don't insult others because they can't stand a character I like. I don't think it's fair to be insulted by someone who hates that Sharon isn't loved by all. Trust me I knew Y&R very well before anyone knew Sharon Collins Newman existed. I have my own personal reasons for not liking her. I know Phyllis's history and I know Sharon's. I couldn't stand Phyllis years and ago, but I find myself liking her. Don't get me wrong, I don't LOVE her and I haven't forgotten all the horrible things she's done. But, Sharon's not perfect. I remember very well the things she done (granted these are not the same as some things Phyll has done, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying) and I know she's not the saint and injured party that she pretends to be. I find it sad and ridiculous that people make all these excuses for why others cheat. Yes, Nick should have been there more for Sharon, but marriage is a two way street. I wish people would stop acting like it was all on Nick and Phyllis. Sharon is to blame to. As an adult, she should be able to take responsibility for that and admit that she IS a hypocrite because she continues to impose herself on Vicki's marriage. I used to love Sharon, but in recent years she has become a ditz. The writers need to do far better than what they're doing and I think the fans are all in agreement w/that. I'm just tired of some people acting like Sharon never has a bad part in anything. I do think she should explore things w/Brad because they deserve each other, but not at the expense of hurting Vicki the way she claims she was hurt. I'm also tired on this new personality of Vicki's. I think Amelia Heinle is doing an awesome job, but Vicki's no longer the strong-minded woman she was when Heather Tom was still in the role. I wanted her to find her backbone and I wish that her family and colleagues would start respecting her a hell of a lot more than they do now.
JM - Was that a Star Wars creature disguising itself as Nikki or just a sudden growth out of the top of her head? Someone fire the hair stylist, this woman is already unpleasant enough to look at. And now the former stripper turned mogul wife thinks she can do politics - talk about skeletons coming back to haunt. Go Jack!
KA - First of all, the writers for Y&R really think their fans are stupid?! The storylines are so unrealistic. Yes, Daytime TV is not meant to be reality, but come on, just a little closer would be a lot less frustrating to watch. Give me a break Kevin and Gloria. If I have to watch that pair of nothings get their way one more time. Gloria, trailer trash with no education, is now working at a high level position within a multi-million dollar company. Yeah right. Ship that B off. I hope Jack gets his way and she is brought down, way down, which is all she deserves. Gold Digger Extraordinaire! And Kevin, does everybody forget what he was? He got away with attempted murder on Colleen and now people are crying foul because J.T. is not going to be charged for hitting him over the head. I say, even unknowingly - Payback just a little maybe! And OK, another unrealistic line - now Kevin is the webmaster for same multi-million dollar company? Another uneducated two bit accountant turned gold at the drop of a hat! Another character that I can hardly wait to see get theirs. When is Gloria going to be found out for her tampering with the Jabot product? When is Kevin going to be found out for breaking into the email? These two need to get theirs. And then you can deal with that spoiled, simpering Colleen. I agree, J.T. needs a new partner and professor child molester needs to get his!
CABC - I for one think the writing has gotten a tad bit better. They are bringing Sharon back to life. Nikki, ha-ha-ha, she's getting it from TGVN, who better to do it, and as we all knew the real Phyllis hadn't gone anywhere so welcome back Red! Now I like Gloria, but not better than Jack. So if she messes with my man, then I will become a Gloria hater too! Writers, listen, we do not like Gloria that much to watch her have the ups on Jack okay? Back her up, I mean, back her up!
SHARLA - I just have a comment on the reliquary story. Doesn't anyone care that Jana is still out there and Bradsky killed her father? What makes everyone think this is all over and done? I'm just waiting for her to come back to get him. He better watch his step. That fortune was her entry into a life of luxury and now she is on the run and probably desperate.
SERENA - I am amazed at all the attacks on Victoria Rowell. It is no wonder she is leaving the show. I also noticed that people want Lily to leave also. How about Neil? Why not have him leave too? I for one will miss Dru and the fine actress that portrayed her. In case people have forgotten, the last time Ms. Rowell left the show, the Young and the Restless wasn't the same and the writers needed her back. It appears that some of the viewers would rather watch Amber than Dru. Here's to those viewers getting what they asked for.
SUZANNE - It's official! I have officially stopped watching Y&R! I just check the spoilers or your column to see if it's worth my time to tune in. Thus far, I have not had a reason to tune in. I believe the only hope for Y&R is a significant drop in ratings. Being a loyal fan, I felt I was doing it a disservice by keeping the Nielsen ratings high even if Y&R served up the worse pile of manure to its viewers. I will still read Two Scoops. Maybe one day, things will turn around.
WJROSE - I discovered your column about a year ago and I love it! I'm confused about the scene on Friday with Sharon and Colleen when Sharon was waxing nostalgically about her college years and getting caught in a state of undress. Did I sleep through Sharon's matriculation? I don't think Sharon, Nick or Victoria ever stepped foot on a campus of higher learning!
NITA RESPONDS: WJ, if you were asleep, I must have been dreaming right along with you because unless you count the School of Hard Knocks Nick attended during the short time he attempted to be his own man and not a New-man, the only memory I have of any of the three pretending to be College Bound is a vague one of Nick attending night school for about a semester. I can't, however, confess to having the same memory, vague or otherwise, about the ladies.
CAT - I have been reading your column for a few years now but have not written; most of the time I think you are on the money with your commentary. The thing I don't get - and never got on the B&B scoop either - is the universal hatred of Amber. If you ask me, she is a great soap villain - you know she's awful but can't help liking her regardless! After reading your column I was beginning to think this was my own warped opinion, but then my 80-year-old grandma came for a visit and this was one of the few characters we agreed on - we love watching Amber's tricks! Before you assert that I'm some newbie, I'll have you know I've been a faithful viewer since the mid-80's, when Danny and Lauren were singing duets. Many a time in the past month, I've fast-forwarded entire episodes of Mesta-mess and reliquary rubbish to stop only on the oh so entertaining Amber and her eye-candy Cane. Kudos to Adrienne Franz for getting me hooked on a morally bankrupt, dislikable diva!
NITA RESPONDS: Cat, I won't be so bold as to speak for any other fan when it comes to Ms. Ambrosia Moore, but my personal dislike of Amber evolved primarily because on both Y&R and B&B in a relatively short period of time she became way too much, much too often. I like good soap villainess fare as much as the next fan, as long as I'm not fed it every day at what seems like every meal. At least on B&B, I did manage to find small morsels of vulnerability in Amber from time to time, back in the days when she was trying so hard to win back Rick Forrester's love. Unfortunately, it seems no trace of that quality survived the trip from California to Genoa City, yet her complete self-absorbency, which makes her hard to like and extremely easy to ridicule, made the journey intact. As for her stay in Genoa City, I don't deduct many points for her marital manipulation of Cane (he's a grown bloke who should either cut back on his drinking or go somewhere and buy a clue or two about wanton women) but the whole lure Daniel into internet porn is particularly tacky (pun intended). For her GC dealings, I must admit I'm positively salivating for the day Amber is served a heaping platter of comeuppance.