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 Two Scoops: March 26, 2007 columns
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Michael Graziadei
Did someone hold an election?
by Nita
For the Week of March 26, 2007
Has total self-absorption suddenly become an irresistibly attractive quality, drawing every unattached Genoa City male under the age of 40 to Colleen like bees to honey?
First, before I get started, I just want to thank everyone for their thoughtful expressions of sympathy for the loss of my family member. I really appreciated them.

Now ... was there an election held and no one advised me to vote? Has total self-absorption suddenly become an irresistibly attractive quality, drawing every unattached Genoa City male under the age of 40 to Colleen like bees to honey? Did all the other eligible women in town move away, leaving Colleen the last cutie clomping around? Okay, strike that last question. Because in this near incestuous city, I guess Colleen really is the only unattached female to pick from, isn't she? I mean, not counting the over 50 divas like Kay, Jill, Gina and Gloria.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm really having a hard time believing this self-obsessed, constantly complaining woman who acts as child-like as she looks, even with the overgenerous slathering of heavy eye make-up, inspires so much breast-beating desire in the hardened chests of GC's few eligible bachelors. Along with J.T. and Professor Big Words, recent resident, Rocky, in town all of two minutes, is also begging to pencil his name onto her dance card. This is the same Rocky, mind you, who rolled head over cowboy boots for the 40+ feline, Phyllis. I guess to these people, age really is nothing but a meaningless number.

Speaking of age, did anyone else practically fall on the floor with uncontrollable laughter when the Professor asked Colleen if she'd ever heard of the song Secret Lovers? Maybe she did, Professor Cradle Snatcher, but only if her Mommy was listening to it while a Pamper padded Colleen played contentedly at her feet. It's that old. No wonder Colleen looked blank. Okay, looked blanker.

But back to the whiny woman of the hour. And the wordy one who worships her. I still find her just about as annoying as I always have, but at least she and Professor Wordsmith are more interesting together than when she and J.T. were a less than compelling couple. For me, if given the choice of watching J.T. and Colleen or the paint on my wall dry, I'd pick the paint. That being said, however, I find it rather amusing that the girl who used to bleat incessantly to her always available soundboard, Lily, about the importance of truth and honesty above all else, has turned out to be the biggest liar about. I'm an adult, she constantly cries to anyone able to stomach her infernal whining long enough. And obviously, her highly educated beau has been an adult nearly longer than she's been alive. Yet, neither is willing to stand for what they believe in, that being their alleged love, and accept the consequences for their undercover loving. Not to mention the fact that despite their platonic pretense, even a casual observer, with only one working eye at that, would be able to see they are much more than simple student and indulgent instructor. Heck, if nothing else boisterously blared out their attraction, all that flirtatious hair flipping and simpering on Colleen's part, not to mention her public pawing of his trouser-clad knee, would have given them away. I say, let them announce their infatuation from the Genoa City rooftops and see if their deep and devoted love is enough to withstand the storms expected to be generated by all the lies they so glibly told. If they are so in love, why don't they be grownups and just admit it, take their punishment and then live happily ever after for about six months until they fall in lust with someone else. As for J.T., it's long past time for him to get a grip and a new gal pal to string along. Oh, that's right, there aren't any more are there? No wonder he's trying to drown his desire in strong drink.

Moving on to the next extremely exasperating entity. Yes, that would be Trash-brosia Moore, or Evans, or Chancellor. I don't presume to speak for any other fan, but I'm literally counting the days until the garbage collectors come for this particular pickup. I don't really fault her over much for her attempt to get her grubby gold-digging digits on some of the Chancellor fortune through Cane. After all, it's not as if there isn't enough for 10 Ambers, with plenty left over. Besides, who could feel sorry for a man senseless enough to stay in a marriage he doesn't even remember consenting to. For Cane, despite what is said in the well-known adage, the way to his heart apparently has nothing whatsoever to do with anything entering his stomach. Amber is sex of the trashiest kind, and that is apparently more than enough for Cane.

And unfortunately, it seems the same could be said for Daniel as well. Of course, I guess I can't lay all of Daniel's moral decline at Trash-brosia's door. After all, I haven't forgotten that our first glimpse of Daniel was of him directing, producing and starring in his very own x-rated boarding school encounter. And it was clear it wasn't his maiden voyage into those waters. It wasn't until he was transplanted to the weedy soil of Genoa City that he became such an upstanding model citizen. He ran away and married his almost virgin love, then settled down to enjoy marital bliss. There was a time when he claimed he only had eyes for his blushing bride, but that all changed when Trash-brosia blew into town. His eyes repeatedly wandered to the new 'hot' decade older girl in town even when his wife was within sight and sound. And Lily was so busy trying to stifle her yawns while listening to Colleen's daily tales of boring and unending woe, she never noticed how close her hubby was growing to his new text buddy.

Amber proves there much more than a grain of truth to the old saying about being able to take the girl out of the trailer, but not the trailer out of the girl. Or was that all about a horse and undrinkable water? Well, whatever, Trash-brosia might not be a resident of Furnace Creek anymore, but her recent relocation to Genoa City, by way of Los Angeles, hasn't done a thing to change her dark and nasty roots. Who rewards their married new 'best friend' with naked pics of herself? And encourages him to send and receive erotic emails from strange woman.

As for Daniel, what kind of imbecile buys his bride the same tawdry teddy he practically ripped off his own personal soft porn performer with his eyelashes? Hard to believe he wouldn't be thinking of and superimposing Amber's face and form atop Lily's. He ought to be careful what he craves. He and Amber deserve each other.

The honeymoon is over. Though it's been awhile since its last showing, Nick and Phyllis obviously haven't forgotten the moves that have made them famous. Though they live happily together and presumably don't miss an opportunity to renew their affections, so to speak, something about being in a purchased room probably reminded them of how it used to be. Slamming into each other so hard, I winced, they went into their usual routine of ripping the clothes from each other's bodies, before falling onto the bedcovers for some hot monkey sex. Thankfully, while the first act is same, the dialogue has changed. They already knew it was as good for her as it was for him, so they skipped the giggles and afterglow talk and went straight to the subject of their exes and their recently announced engagement. Jealous, someone might wonder. But I seriously doubt that was the case. So far, anyway.

But anyway, back to my comment about the ending of the honeymoon. Now that she's got the man, the marriage, the adorable baby, and the full appreciation and admiration of her ex, Jack, while the love is still very much alive, it's not the be all and end all of her existence anymore, which means there's plenty of time for other things. Like blackmail. First, let me say, that if anyone has to be blackmailed, it couldn't be happening to a more deserving and personally disliked donkey than Brad. If he had any brass ones, he would have told Phyllis to stick her threat okay, he would have called her bluff and told his bride about his foray onto forbidden grounds himself. Yes, it might have lost him his seat on the gravy train, but then again, considering Wimptoria's, as some fans have nicknamed her, tendency to lay down and invite Brad to tromp all over her, all would have probably been forgiven after an appropriate period of penance, especially given the Carlton growing in her womb. Besides, when it comes to a wild card like Mrs. Phyllis, just because you give in to her demands doesn't mean the threat will go away. No, it's likely Phyllis will yank that ace out of her bosom and snap it beneath Brad and Sharon's nose every time she feels like it.

Phyllis is the last floozy you want in full possession of your basket of dirty laundry. First of all, because she so enjoys tying people to a stick and roasting them slowly over a hot fire. Am I the only one to notice how very much she enjoys poking people with her pointed sticks? Say you're sorry, she demanded to Sharon. Admit you're a hypocrite. Like it doesn't take one to recognize another. Prostrate yourself at my size 10 feet, she didn't demand, but may as well have. Look at me over the dinner table while I torture you with my sarcastic remarks. I would say, I can't wait until Ms. Phyllis gets hers, but with the new writing regime, it isn't likely she ever will. In the end, she will inevitably once again come out smelling like the proverbial rose.

Not that you'll hear me complaining too loudly about Phyllis' actions, though. Because many of us have been asking for her return, you know, from the land of giggles and finger nibbling, and now she has. With a vengeance, you might say. And we all know that nobody does dastardly better, while deriving more pleasure from it, than Phyllis.

Sharon and Brad might as well bite the bullet and uncover the New York dirt they've shoved under the rug. Because you know it's only a matter of time before the cat comes screeching out of the bag. What more does Sharon have to lose anyway? The Newmans already detest her.

Oh my word, Jack has gone and asked Sharon to please say I do someday. I swear, before long, this twisted town will be so intricately entwined, if someone holds a family reunion, everyone could come. If the wedding day ever actually dawns, then Jack will be the titleholder of the dubious distinction of being wed at one time or another to three of the four Newman woman. Nikki, Phyllis and Sharon. Stepdad Extraordinaire! I'm glad that Jack told us he was in love with Sharon. Because otherwise I would never have known. My money says the best they can have is a lotta like. Because we all know Jack is in love with no one but Phyllis. And poor Sharon, after being roundly rejected by both Nick and Brad, is probably just happy somebody out there wants to marry her.

What fun it was watching Nikki go down in flames, her lips pursed in enraged protest. Right beside her daughter. It seems in Genoa City, there's a hypocrite to be found standing on every corner. Family comes first, the Newman mother and daughter parrot in unison. Except when family is stabbing family in the back. Which is exactly what they had planned to do to Victor. Protecting Newman's assets, Nikki had the gall to claim. Like she had a single thing to do with amassing any of them. And Victoria is only there because of Daddy's generosity. Her and that gigolo stallion she's married to.

In her hatred, Nikki has become Victor, more determined to bring Jack down than Mr. Ruthless himself. I guess it's true there really is no greater wrath than that coming from a woman scorned. So what Clear Springs would bring in big buckets of bucks. She'd rather forgo all of that simply to thwart Jack. What next? I guess she's going to run for the Senate seat next. Sure, Nikki, be a Senator. Then you'd have no time for NVP, the spoiled milk she's been crying over for a year, and Jack could enjoy running it without having to look at her sour puss face. I would say that woman would bite off her nose to spite her disatisfied face, but I don't think her tight lips can reach that high.

As the stolen Chancellor baby story continued to unfold, for one quick moment, when the box from Australia arrived, I had the fleeting hope that Uncle and Nephew might be working a great scam, but then I came to my senses. Because in these new days of everything being about the shock and the shock alone, something like that wasn't likely. Everything is all about the shock, there are no dark nefarious plots going on behind a scene designed to lead us into a false sense of knowledge, only to blindside us with some new and different twist. No, what you see on the surface is usually all there is. A bunch of coincidences, an anticlimactic close and then it's on to the next shock.

Despite my pessimistic view, however, I still hope that for some the price of the piper will have to be paid. The wishes in my hope chest? That Cane will see past Amber's sexy knickers to her greedy soul. Okay, never happen. Then my second hope is that the Las Vegas groom will come to collect her share of the Chancellor pie.

Oh yeah, Extreme Catwalk Featuring Genoa City's version of Simon and Paula. Wow. I hardly know what to say about all of that yet. So, for now, I'll keep my mouth shut and let the story unfold.

Lastly, but certainly not least, it seems that at last Ji Min might be beginning to get his fill of Jack and his I-own-Jabot rhetoric. Jack's plate is so full, he has no room to squeeze Jabot onto it, yet he still continues to spew dictatorial demands over its running. Even though I like Jack for the most part, I would still enjoy seeing him taken down a peg or two when it comes to Jabot. After all, despite Jack's oft-repeated phrase of 'let's not forget who owns Jabot' to that Ji Min should remind him, 'yea, but let's not forget who's running Jabot. And protecting your law-breaking behind Senator.'

As always, there's lots more that could be said, but that's enough for now. There's always next week. Until then, here's what some of you had to say.

* * * * * * *


BUCKMOM - I know you're not fond of the Colleen & Adrian pairing, but I am loving them! Secret romances are always fun!

ANN - I think Brad has gotten away with a lot but I think Phyllis needs to have someone stop her and maybe he is the one! Since when is she such a goody two-shoes. Do we not remember what she did when she was younger and tricked Danny, hurt Christine? Etc. etc. She just makes me sick. Didn't like her before and much less like her now.

TRACY - Am I the only one that is very suspicious of the Cane storyline? First, it was way too easy ... am I to believe that after 30 years they stumbled upon Jill's long lost son. I'm not buying it. Michael is Jill's long lost son ... just wait and see. His grandmother was trying to leave a message in her journal but remember it was washed out. What was the whole point of Michael looking for his family and Ms. Chancellor confessing if it doesn't all cross paths. Just a thought and boy do I hope I'm right.

MALIKAH - I always look so forward to reading your well-written column and especially enjoy the readers sharing. It's great of you to include their views, too. It is a nice addition to your piece. I just want to add in closing, doesn't anyone remember that the Prof. was there with Jana's father when the latter reported to Korbel that the "bug" had been discovered in Brad's home. So, maybe that reliquary stuff isn't over yet, Colleen is still in danger being with him and the Prof. is no angel after all!

JULIA - I am writing in regards to the storyline in my favorite soap The Young & The Restless. I love Ms. Chancellor and Jill's new storyline with the hunky son and Amber. Although they now think the guy is Jill's son because of the pictures his Uncle sent, I would love to have the most hilarious and fitting end to this scenario so that Amber still gets her just desserts! Ms. Chancellor was so drunk in the old days that she could have thought she took Jill's son from the hospital nursery and gave it to Violet but she might have given the wrong baby! That would explain why the DNA doesn't match! It would turn out that Jill did raise the right son and Amber would be the penniless manipulator she has always deserved to be! HAHAHA please do it!

ROBIN - I just wanted to say, every day that goes by I am more disinterested in Y&R. The writers must be new because they create these storylines that have totally missed past happenings. I think the writers have this thing with Phyllis. How can Phyllis be so self-righteous when it comes to Sharon and Brad? Sharon probably never would have slept with Brad if Nick was more attentive with the death of Cassie. Y&R should know they are losing tons of fans who have been loyal for decades to fans who have probably just graduated from college and have nothing better to do than dis Sharon and love Phyllis. Phyllis was cool at one point; but now they are making her out to be a person who deserves everyone's respect. Remember: if Phyllis and Nick were not deceiving Sharon and Jack from the onset, Sharon and Brad would never have happened. As for infidelity(ies), Ms. Nikki Newman, remember you almost had a thing for Bobbie - get real sister you are nothing but a rich stripper who married into money - don't be so self righteous - you and Phyllis belong together. Nick, I used to be love to watch you, now you make sick as if you are not responsible for leaving Sharon in the dark. Sharon, I am a great fan and wish the writers would give you a break. Unless someone tells me the writers have smartened up, I am moving to ABC soaps. Thanks for allowing this opportunity to voice my opinion. Please get it together Y&R - B&B is moving in on your once TOTALLY COOL SOAP territory.

JOANNE - I have to admit, the show is moving much faster than it did before. I only hope the storyline where Phyllis is taken down several notches happens soon because I cannot take her sanctimonious attitude anymore! Why would Sharon go to dinner with her and Jack? Why torture yourself? She knows Phyllis is going to use every opportunity she can to make Sharon and Brad squirm over their NY trip. I hope the spoilers I have read here and on other websites are accurate and that Phyllis does get at least some revenge from them. I have to say it is a toss up between who I hate the most, Amber or Phyllis. I do not like Amber at all and hate where the storyline is going with Daniel. She does look like a porn star so no surprise there but why does Daniel have to be involved? I guess he was too happy with Lily and we can't have that in a soap, can we?! If Cane does end up being Jill's son, will Amber want to stay with him after all? I hope they figure out that she suspected he was Jill's son all along and kept the information to herself. She needs to be punished. I read somewhere that she is leaving soon - hope so, can't stand her. Can she take Phyllis with her?

WANDA - Wow, I've been out of town and unable to watch the show for 2 weeks but in reading the recaps, it seems Genoa City is once again back to its old self. The Newmans and quarreling, Jack is up to his highjinks (can't wait till he turns the tide on Victor with his secret info from Senator B), trouble in the Chancellor camp and all the other juicy tidbits. I am soo relieved that the Carmen/Jana/Sheila fiasco is FINALLY over.

EVE - Well, I thought my ick factor had been reached, but no, Y&R has a long way to go: First, there's the idea of Jack and Sharon getting married. Even Nick's ick factor kicked in on that one. Then there's Amber. That's all, just Amber. Who fakes marriages to Aussie idiots for their money; who claims a young married man as her best friend; who rewards same married man with a porno site of her cavorting naked and doing unmentionable, unshowable things; who set up a porno site of her own behavior. I rest my case. Amber is one giant ick factor. Thirdly, the whole porn thing with Daniel. I'm sorry, but most young men I've ever known are too busy getting it on with their wives and/or girlfriends to get so addicted to porn that they can't then get it on with said wives and/or gfs. The idea of Daniel, yes, ick, ick, ick. Then there are all the stories that have been dropped like hot rocks. So, Carmen's dead, Jana did it, and no one cares? Granted this is true re the TV audience, but the GC law enforcement should be pursuing Jana like crazy. We should at least get to watch her being dragged in handcuffs somewhere. What about Victor's epilepsy? What is Victor's great dark plan? And, if he has one, and Nikki's in on it (watching her eyebrows go higher and higher as she and Victor discuss Jack's fall has been a new lesson in facial geometry), then why was Nikki so upset with Victor wanting Neil on the board? Wasn't this part of the plan that she's been gung-ho about for the last few months? And how does Nikki feel that now her ex-lover's married to her daughter and her ex-husband is marrying her ex-daughter-in-law? Or does this even register any more? After all, in GC, everyone does everyone, don't they? Or at least they do now. I remember a time ... but never mind. The heck with nostalgia. I think, though, the question must be asked: what are we supposed to be watching Y&R for? The romance? Hah! The super-couples? Hah! The nifty plotting? Double Hah! The great dialogue? Yeah, right. I suppose the main thing is just to see what can happen next to characters that used to be dearly beloved, although they're almost all being transformed beyond recognition. (Remember when Colleen was a doe-eyed virgin? Instead of hustling every guy on the show?) As it is, Y&R's name will have to change pretty soon to Porn Marches On.

CAROLYN - Just wanted to chime in on this past week's epis. First, I'd like to comment about Sharon. I REALLY can't stand her! I am so sick of her hypocrisy when it comes to her affair with Gold Digger George! Did she really tell Phyllis Jack would 'understand her affair because she was going through a rough time'? If that is all it takes to excuse an affair, then why not forgive Nick for his affair with Phyllis, as he had lost his daughter? I will be glad when the affair comes out. We all know that Phyllis is despicable, but Sharon acts all high and mighty and she has done the same thing! Just because the affair is not public knowledge doesn't make it less of an affair! Second, I thought Gold Digger George (that's my nickname for Bradley Carlton) was so tough, he let Phyllis intimidate him into voting against Victoria and Nikki? I guess he weighed his options and when it comes right down to it, he can't give up his pot of gold for a bucket of coal. Let's see, Victoria = seat on Newman board and position of authority at a billion dollar company. Sharon = ? Third, I can't believe that J.T. is going to get away with attacking Kevin! I have a new disrespect for William, the DA! I know why he refused to prosecute J.T., the case is not career-making! Murder, kidnapping, those are the kinds of cases that make a career, not a simple assault. I agree with Michael when he reminded William of how he went after John Abbott who never had so much as a parking ticket but would not prosecute J.T., who had many witnesses standing around watching him bash Kevin on the noggin. I see prejudice written all over this! If Kevin had bashed J.T.'s head in, William wouldn't have hesitated to put him under the jail! I no longer like the DA! Lastly, I am so sick of J.T. and his petty jealousy! He needs to get over himself, he is not the first nor the last guy to get dumped! That's what all of the drinking and anger is about, his pride is wounded! Now Victoria is turning to him to ease her wounded pride! I wish J.T. would crawl under a rock somewhere! Also, isn't it funny how the very ones who wanted to oust Victor from his own company expect him to cater to them now? I still remember Victoria telling Nikki that she wanted to oust Victor from HIS company and make sure he 'never comes back'! If it wasn't for Victor, she wouldn't have a company to be CEO of without going to college! The Newmans sure don't mind Victor being ruthless when it's beneficial to them! How hypocritical!

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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