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 Two Scoops: April 24, 2006 columns
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Michelle Stafford
Phyllis, Phyllis, Phyllis!
by Nita
For the Week of April 24, 2006
The entire week wasn't actually ALL about Phyllis, but it was another week of being battered over the head with the rock-filled sack of sympathy embroidered with her name.
Okay, so I exaggerate a bit. The entire week wasn't actually ALL about Phyllis. But it was another week of being battered over the head with the rock-filled sack of sympathy embroidered with her name. And it was another week when the message to feel pity didn't penetrate my thick, uncaring cranium. Well, don't any fan bother passing me a Puff or three, because there's no way I'll be shedding a single tear on this bimbo's behalf. Instead, I found myself wishing Phyllis would just slink from my sight and take her fistful of sodden snot rags with her. No fair, no fair, the redhead kept repeating redundantly, like fairness was something one was actually entitled to. And to that I answered with a rousing round of: why is everybody always pickin' on me? Poor, poor, Charlie Brown. I mean Phyllis. All she did was share the contents of her cookie jar with her partner's married son. As often and as liberally as she could. And for that Victor took the pastel pink picture of her "dream" and scribbled all over it with his big black crayon. Why doesn't everyone understand that she didn't mean to hurt anyone? And even if she did, it's all over now. So why can't everyone just turn the darn page, or better yet, just return the book to the library and check out another one? Forgive, forget and let's all just get along again.

I know many fans won't feel the same, but I wasn't too thrilled with the position Miss Nikki took on the greased pole either. Although I have to be fair and admit that since Sharon hasn't always rushed to stand supportively in Nikki's corner, in fact on multiple occasions has been downright nasty, I can't completely condemn Nikki for picking Phyllis over family, as Sharon put it. Because I didn't see Sharon rushing to lay that family card on the table when it was Nikki's body she had bent painfully over a barrel. Anyway, all that aside, within the Newman clan, the loyalties were drawn along the usual lines. Victor stood next to Sharon, a strong, supportive arm curled consolingly around her. But Nikki, after crossing her arms, pursing her lips, and raising her chin so high a sudden spring shower would have drowned her, aligned herself solidly with Phyllis, chirping, business before pleasure, people. Business before pleasure. Besides, she added, looking pointedly down at the missed specks of sewer muck and stable straw stuck to the back of one of Sharon's high heels, there's a few 'F's scribbled in the margins of your manual of matrimony too. Skillet, this is the burned pot pointing out your scorched spots, was the inane thought that immediately sprang to my warped mind. But, unlike me who loves to rabble rouse with sharp and pointed scorn-filled sentences, Victor knows actions reverberate louder than even the most stridently screeched syllables. So his immediate action was to pull the hand knitted money rug right out from under Phyllis and Nikki, sending them sprawling ignominiously to the hard marble floor.

Of course Nikki doesn't want to see Phyllis and her cardboard box of belongings slung out into the spring sludge. I laughed myself right off the couch, landing painfully on my hardwood floor, when Nikki said something like, I shared that office with Phyllis; no way she could have hidden something like this. Whose eyes is Nikki trying to yank the tangled wool over? Not mine, I hope, because I distinctly recall Nikki rarely putting in her 8 hours in that office. Unless she was a little blind black fly on the office wall. Just as she did in Jabot, after plinking her pennies in the community pot, or in this case, letting Victor plunk his in there on her behalf, Nikki spent more time lollygagging around on other matters them handling anything to do with NVP. If her little carcass had been planted in her leather partner's chair more often, Nick would have had to bat his besotted eyeballs at Phyllis somewhere other than within the walls of Newman.

Of course, it wasn't as if Phyllis actually needed any of my salty tears of sympathy. When she finally decided this particular battle might be too difficult to win, she backed away from her earlier stance and gave her notice but kept her stock. But, the woman was only unemployed for about two seconds. Reaching into her bosom, she pulled out her trusty Jack in the hole card and waved it triumphantly in the air. So, Jack asked you, back, Nick wanted to know. Oh yah, yah, went Phyllis, blithely fibbing through her teeth, since she was the one who went begging for Jabot's employment scraps. Jack needs me, she continued, nodding her bed head up and down for emphasis. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, she didn't say to Nick, but I read between the lines and tacked them on for her. Well, missy, I wanted to further point out and then did, chortling crazily to Phyllis' TV image. I bet Jack needed you each one of those times you were showing one woman Nick all those mattress maneuvers you've perfected and performed for Jack and others over the years, but I didn't see you running to his aid with your little first aid kit then.

Because as usual, when the man star Phyllis has hitched her red wagon to plunges from the sky and lands in the dirt with a shower of sparks, she turns her temporary attention back to Jack, using him like a Band-Aid and Neosporin. But once her hurt has healed and a protective scab has been formed, you know she will rip him off, ball him up and toss him in the nearest trash can. Poor Jackninny, without a clue as to the real reason NV dropped their P, off he shot, like a misguided Knight to beard the roaring Newman lion in his den to defend Phyllis' dubious honor. Can you imagine how betrayed he's going to feel when he learns the truth? And you know very well that he's going to. When I close my eyes, I can almost see the painted picture on the inside of my lids. My guess (and that's all it is fans, a guess) goes something like this. First, imagine Jack's boundless jubilation when he discovers Phyllis' taut belly will soon be burgeoning with a wee babe. Naturally, since he thinks he was the only one whose hand, shall we say, has been rummaging around in the cookie jar, he will, of course, assume it's an Abbott to be. Next, picture his pain when Phyllis is forced to admit he wasn't the only bee who could have pollinated her petals. And after that we are likely to be treated to a lip biting, face grimacing, teeth gritting, eye squinting, pompadour pushing show like we've never seen before.

But never let it be said that I'm an uneven handed harridan. Neither Nick nor Sharon inspired in me a flood of warm and fuzzy feelings either. First, Sharon. You know what they say... what's good for the goose ... well obviously Sharon didn't find the gander's feathers very comfortable, what with all that black and sticky tar smeared all over them. And I can't quite put my pinky on precisely why I'm not feeling much sorrow for Sharon's shattered soul. I guess it's because she's used the nasty, vindictive side of her tongue against her own family's female members a time or two too many for my taste. She did leave me shaking my head in confusion when, about one second after learning the woman who still has a string in her name tethered to Nick's fickle heart had been practically dragged to the door and pitched to the slobbering wolves, she decided she no longer wanted her man or her marriage. After all, she accused, it wasn't as if Nick had anything to do with Phyllis' departure, conveniently forgetting that Nick has no real clout or say about anything important. It was Victor, she hissed. He's my hero, she didn't add, but, as usual, I helpfully filled in the blanks. And furthermore, since Nick refused to follow her order to vacate the little house premises, she was flouncing off to Paris, dragging poor Noah out of school and behind her, presumably dashing the little boy's dream of pitching for the little league to broken bits.

Which brings me to Nick, who obviously hasn't a single clue as to what, or should I say whom, he wants. Please baby, baby, please, he begged his bride more than once, each time falling to his knees like Spike Lee in that movie about 20 years ago. I'll go to counseling, wear sackcloth and ashes, beat myself on the head three times a day with a sturdy, unbreakable stupid stick. Just don't give up on me and our marriage, he cried over and over again. Why I wouldn't have been a bit surprised to see him actually wipe away a sorrowful tear or two, if he thought it would have turned the tide in his favor. But, alas, his pleas fell on Sharon's cotton-stuffed ears and her hard heart remained unsoftened. So what did this prince among paupers do then? Well, first, since he so desperately missed his bride, though she couldn't even have arrived at the airport by then, he dialed her up and left a long, rambling message of love on her voice mail. He then spent another few minutes gazing longingly at her likeness, accompanied by a little music, penned it seemed, to match his particular melancholy mood perfectly. But five minutes later, what did we see this cheater doing? Why, the worm was calling up the woman at the epicenter of his marital malfunction, who was herself mourning to the same music while making her way though a pint of pistachio. And I bet you can imagine my nonsurprise when the same woman who had insisted to all who were dumb enough to listen and believe, that it was through, over, done, dead, finished, was saying, call me if you want to talk, anytime. Oh somebody, bring me their empty heads so I can smack them together until I get tired.

And while I'm at it, give me something hard to bounce Victoria's gullible noggin against too. I don't know how much more I can take of her gushing adulation of Brad-lee. For the sophomoric way she's behaving, this pawn almost deserves to be sacrificed in Brad's quest to force the Newman King off the corporate board. Every time she whipped her mass of hair around and gazed adoringly up at Brad, I wanted to haul out my hurl bag. And every time she turned her back, I found myself trying to spot the puppet strings beneath her clothing. I know Genoa City is a near incestuous city, but I still think it's pretty darn ewww to marry a man who once did the mattress dance, multiple times, with your Mommy. But that's just me, many of you might not feel the same. And I have to wonder, too, what is it about these Newman seeds? First, I realize Daddy's being particularly odious right now, refusing to paste an insincere smile on his face and walk his idiot daughter to the slaughter, I mean darling daughter down the matrimonial aisle. Which obviously hasn't left Victoria feeling very friendly toward Father. Which explains, in part, the betrothed's plan to form a power base Daddy's long fingers can't fiddle with. By the way, excuse me for sounding stupid, but how can anything be out of the long reach of the conglomerate owner? I'll say one thing about the Newman offspring. They definitely don't have a problem biting the hand that feeds them table scraps. And they don't even blink at the thought of brandishing the blade of betrayal dangerously near Daddy Vic's unsuspecting back, do they? Perhaps someone ought to sit Victoria down and explain what happened the last time someone (Brad and Jack) tried to manhandle The Man out of his own company.

But putting that aside for now and moving on to Victor. Okay, I'm a Victor fan, but even I have to admit his iron fisted rule of all things Newman has gotten just a little bit out of control. I know he's Victor Newman, and as such, has always claimed for himself the right to run roughshod over anyone blocking his path, and a few who weren't, but just for fun he took a detour just so he could run them over. But would it really hurt the man to use a little tact, bring down his harsh tone at least one decibel when he's speaking to family members he's supposed to love? I only laughed when he spoke to Phyllis like she had a tail; likewise when he gave J.T. the rough side of his disparaging tongue for the sparse shovel's worth of dirt he'd managed to dig up on Brad. But you would think he'd adjust the volume down when he's laying down the rules of Victor's law to his wife. Of course, as I said, I like Victor, so despite his overbearing behavior, I still so want him to snatch back the reins from his incompetent kids. I can't help but wonder whether there's a reason for all this. He can't think the way he's treating his family is a surefire way to inspire their love, faith and respect. Could this be leading up to a Survivor-like contest with Nikki and Nick joining Brad and Victoria's alliance to vote Victor out? And what of Neil? What might Victor have in mind for him? Or, is Victor going to scream himself into another stroke? If he does, who will step uncaringly over him this time? At the rate he's alienating people, probably everybody.

Speaking of the man always on the outside looking longingly in, once again Neil is left holding an empty bag. I tell you, for this man, if it's not one person, it's someone else. It was bad enough when Victor eased him away from the catbird seed so it could be perched in by Nick, then Victoria, then both of them at once, but that was family and pretty much to be expected. But with Brad's determination to be the next Mrs. Victoria Newman, there's one more sturdy body standing in Neil's way. With a tiny Victoria stuffed securely in his suit pocket, Brad snatched that acquisition lollipop from Neil in mid-lick. And though Neil stomped his foot and screamed in fury, it did no good. I don't know how Neil felt about it, but Brad's smugly smiling face made my palm itch to smack that grin right off his manipulative mouth. As for Victoria, she all but told the loyal lap puppy, I meant to say loyal right hand man, to suck it up. Is Neil ever going to get tired of being kicked around by this family?

And while I'm talking family, as long as Gloria's a part of it, the Fisher-Baldwin-Abbott faction is always going to be dysfunctional. Michael uttered my pick for the best line of the week when he said to Gloria, at the top of his lungs and obviously teetering on the outermost edge of his patience: For once in your life, tell the truth. Of course, were I the one saying the sentence, I would have added the words miserable and worthless right before life. But she's not my Momma, so I can think like that. Though he's been burned so many times he doesn't even bother to remove the bandages from his blistered fingers, once again old bulging eyes easily sucked her lawyer son into her twisted web of deceit. And even though I'd love nothing better than to see this garish gold-digger pay the piper for her lying tunes, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see Gloria squeeze out of this predicament with plenty of room to spare. No one deserves to be saddled with someone like her. I've searched and searched and have yet to find one redeeming quality in her character. Mother is not a name that should ever be used to describe her. If they doesn't answer to the name Gloria, then they're of absolutely no concern to her. Though she tosses the term around loosely, love is an emotion that someone would have to explain to her in words of one syllable, and she still wouldn't know what it meant. As for family, why that's just another name for a bunch of people Gloria can use to pin badges of blame for dirty deeds she herself committed. I could go on and on about this creature from the black lagoon, sorry creatures, comparing Gloria to you guys is an insult to you, but I'd only frustrate myself. I know some of you can feel my pain.

With April coming closer to a close, May sweeps is just around the bend. Will May be the month Jack discovers the undercover work Phyllis has been up to with Nick? Will Nick the mouse manage to keep his hands in his pockets while his mate is away? If the Newman cat doesn't want to play with her Nick mouse anymore, will he be back banging on Phyllis' door? And what about the not very deeply buried secret in the flowers planted in the Winters' windowbox? How long before Neil learns how Malcolm felt the day he stood outside a half open door and heard something that rocked his world? You know it's coming, because the Winters have been too happy, despite their daughter's recent marriage. And who might rashly be discussing that taboo subject too close to listening ears? Lily and Dru, perhaps? If that's the case, I guess we won't be hearing any more about whipped cream, high heels, or anything else the Winters might be doing behind those bolted bedroom doors. And we mustn't forget Brad. What secrets are hidden deep within his past? Finally, there's the matter of the one sofa stand between J.T. and Victoria. If more than one person knows, it's not liable to remain a secret for long. And a whole lot more than one person knows about this one. Can it really be long before Genoa City's most diligent and determined stalker finds out? Not that it matters; it certainly won't dilute her obsession with J.T..

And lastly, one secret has finally been revealed, and we didn't have to wait until May. Despite what some of us may have begun to believe, a wide rent in the earth did not one day suddenly appear and swallow Scott Granger whole. And how do we know this? Because Lauren told us so! She phoned him up and told him that after all this time, he finally had a sibling on the way. And he was just thrilled. Just as thrilled as some of us fans were to finally have one of the wishes dearest to our heart answered. We don't ask for much. Okay, that was a lie. Sometimes we do ask for much. And we often ask it at the top of our lungs, or at least in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. We know kids often disappear without a trace sometimes. We just ask that if they have to go, at least drop their name every now and then. See, doesn't take much to make us smile.

Well anyway, so much for last week. Sounds like the ones coming will contain plenty to entertain and something for every fan. Until next time, enjoy what the fans had to say. I certainly did!

* * * * * * *


SHANA - Oh, yes... so much has been clarified from your commentary. PHYLLIS WAS the one setting up all the rendezvous with Nick. And yes, I also have suspected Lauren's secret for many weeks now... what else could it be? It only serves for history to repeat itself. Can anyone say "Sheila returns"? Remember her plastic surgeon visit before her long hiatus? She'll get Lauren's face, and viola! Baby stealing all over again. I really hope the storyline allows for Nick and Sharon to stay together. They do seem to be a nice staple after all these years... 10 years is an eternity in soap world. We can only hope that eventually the writers will get back to some real talent. At last the departure of Mac's non-believable character gives an opportunity for a decent recast. But Victoria, Lily, and Colleen are still proving to be poor casting picks to me. I am a long time Y&R watcher (over 20 years now), and I'd really love to see some better casting in the next few months. At least the Fisher/Baldwin boys make the show enjoyable enough to watch! Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!

TRACY - I can't wait for Lily to find out that Daniel helped Kevin get her trapped in the elevator and the community center, only to be seen as a hero. Oh, what a different story Daniel will sing to his Mommy when he has to eat his own words about honesty and trust. I don't think his lovely little bride will be too happy to know that her own husband risked her life once upon a time.

EBONITA - I absolutely love the character Gloria. She has a kind of Betty Davis quality. You just love to hate her. She makes me laugh. She is so vivid, animated, and beautiful. When Gloria, Katherine, Nikki, and were talking together over lunch, it was like "Sex and The City", meets "The Young and the Restless." I love to see women think, converse, support one another and show "Girl Power!" Plus a little gossip spices things up too. When they were talking about Jack, I was rolling with laughter.

TREY - Hey Nita, I just wanted to say how much I am loving Y&R right now. Whatever the new writers are doing, I want them to keep us glued. From Sharon's new nerve from Brad's secret past. I really feel as though the show is cohesive and I am especially loving watching characters interact who never usually do. Like Sharon and Daniel, Neil and Lauren. The show seems tighter and better than ever before. Just one thing, I read that someone said, they hope Brad turns out to be Victor's brother. I just have to say that would be one of the worst storylines ever! Not only is it sick, but I would just hope Y&R has more intergrity.

KAMAL - Nita, you are too funny. Your comments about Gloria from last week's scoop about her being lower than the ground were so dead on! She's despicable. YOU KILLED A WOMAN! Hello?!? I didn't think my disgust for a character could get any stronger than the disgust I felt for Brooke Logan on B&B - but then came Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald on Passions. As much as I despise Theresa on that show, what that character has done pales in comparison to what Gloria FISHER has perpetrated. She's the lowest of the low and I pray she gets what's coming to her, big time. I'm glad people are remembering both Nick and Sharon's infidelities in the past. Sharon is gonna make Nick pay for his indiscretion with Phyllis as she should, but I too do not sympathize with her at all. She too has strayed but more importantly to me, she continues to stick her nose in business that does not concern her, i.e., Brad and Victoria's nuptials. Leave it to Sharon to totally dash any shred of compassion I could muster for her situation. Put your focus back where it belongs, Sharon - on Phyllis and Nick. Speaking of Phyllis, I still can't bring myself to feel sorry for her either. I'm with you Nita, why is she feeling guilty now? Seems her moral compass comes and goes every time the wind blows. It's this kind of ambiguity in her that will always make me keep my guard up when dealing with her. She's the character you both love and hate all at the same time. Where you love what she does one minute and abhor what she does the next. She keeps me watching though, LOL.

MELISSA - I just read your two scoops and I was wondering what it was all about Phyllis being pregnant. I think that would put a good twist to the show if it was Nick's and not Jack's. I really enjoyed watching it when Phyllis and Nick were together; it made the soap so much better. I have watched this soap for years and when that storyline was going on I was very upset when I missed a show.

WANDA - What is Michael thinking? He could lose everything for Gloria. She will just do something else stupid if she gets away with this one. Why does Nikki allow Victor to talk to her that way? He is really starting to take over again and he is being such an a--. He talks to Nikki like she just an employee. How does she just forget about that when they go home?? She should have known not to let him get into her business. Is he about to put Neil in charge of NVP (then it would be NVN). What does Victor expect J.T. to find out about Brad that no one else (Paul) has been able to do? Who changed the way they film Y&R? I don't know yet if I like all of the hallways and far away shots they are taking. It's like no one has an office anymore and they conduct all business in the corridors, elevators, and break rooms. Well, she did it again. Is Sharon Case's contract up again? Last time she ran away to Denver and found Cameron Kirsten. What will she find in Paris? I hope Nick finds Phyllis in G.C.

ANNE P - I am growing bored with Sharon...and would not mind her disappearing in Europe (ala Dixie from AMC) as long as Noah did not disappear as well. It just seems that the worst parents in the world live in Genoa City! The Y&R pattern is to have a child, and send them away to boarding school....or to just ignore them completely! Paul: not 1, but 2 children he no longer cares about. Jack: Younger and older son who just disappeared off the screen. Victor: What about Victor Jr? Off to the farm with the blind ex-girlfriend never to be seen again. Hell, even Katherine's maid had a kid who disappeared...never to be featured again! If I was born in Genoa City, I would start to worry about my longevity! LOL. And it is so obvious that Phyllis is going to become PG...as no woman on Daytime TV can have sex with 2 different men in a short time without becoming pregnant. I guess birth control goes out the window when Sweeps are involved! Love the site.... thanks for all your hard work!

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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