… And let your arrow flow. Straight to my lover's heart. Thanks to the late Sam Cooke for that line.
It's February, the month with the big red heart on the fourteenth day, so Cupid is understandably very busy these days. Hovering high in the sky, his little face pink with exertion, he frantically wings his love-dipped arrows in every direction, trying desperately to pierce the palpitating hearts of the hopelessly enamored. With so many millions of love-struck couples clamoring for their piece of the companionship pie, could anyone blame Cupid if a few of his arrows fell short of their intended target?
Like the one meant for Victoria for instance. Poor woman. After weeks of dangling her engagement bauble from a strong silver chain nestled safely between the twin peaks beneath her blouse, it appeared the day had finally come to slide it into its proper position - on the third finger of her left hand. But in this sometimes backwards burg, appearances are more often than not diabolically deceiving. Unfortunately for Victoria, this was one of those times, which means the ring that rivals the size of a tiny tot's head didn't get to sparkle on her finger for long. And her bright and shiny matrimonial dream of happily ever after harmony with Bradley was dashed to the ground, set aflame and is now nothing more than a meager amount of smoking embers. And who, albeit in an admittedly roundabout way, is at the root of this abrupt breakup? Why it's the Grim Reaper, I mean the Martyr of the Month, I mean, Ashley Abbott Lassiter Newman Bladeson Howard Carlton. In an ironic twist of fate carrying with it the faint stench of deja vu, much as she was at other times in Victoria's life, once again Ashley is the 'other woman' bane of her existence. Back when Victoria was still small enough to be swayed by fractured fairy tales, Ashley was the wicked witch aboard her broom said to have wrecked her parents' marriage and made her Mommy cry copious amounts of tears. Many moons later, Ashley was the baleful blonde obstacle blocking Victoria from returning to her presumably abandoned marriage to Cole. More moons passed and Ashley was once again panting pathetically after Victoria's father, this time clutching what she hoped would be a free admittance to Victor's life card, little Abby Carlton. And now, the dark, interfering specter of Ashley is again blotting out the sun in Victoria's days. The nerve of Brad claiming there was nothing he wanted more than to marry Victoria. I beg to differ. Seems pretty obvious what he wanted more was to save Ashley from her silly self. But I must admit, I was quite proud of Victoria for immediately returning Brad's bauble and sending him on his way. I just hope she sticks to her guns.
One should always be leery when Ashley leaps aboard her barge to steam off on one of her sacrificial forays. Because though she always claims a pure and proper motive in which no one, save herself, will be at risk, somehow it never comes out that way and inevitably she winds up being the one everyone is trying to save. So it is likely to be this time. No matter to Ashley that the cost of saving her father could ultimately be paid for with her daughter's future well being. No matter to Ashley that Victoria's rose-colored hopes must die to counter her ill-conceived and disastrous Leanna Love interview (Like any Leanna conducted interview ever goes any other way. By the way, just in case you wondered, Leanna's long absence did not make my heart grow fonder). All that matters to Ashley is that she must be a martyr, lauded by all for her colossal commitment to her father. Well, I don't buy it. I wish I could slap this self-obsessed ninny clear into the land of Good Sense.
And no one need worry that I might injure my shoulder trying to reach high enough to pat Mr. Bradley Carlton approvingly on his insufferable head either. This thinks he's Casanova cad needs to make up his constantly changing mind once and for all which woman he wants and glue himself to her side. In the first place, he had no business rushing to profess his future undying devotion to Victoria (not to mention Sharon) before he had fully unhitched his workhorse from Ashley's broken down wagon. I could be wrong, but, regardless of the trash Brad's talking about this being a temporary parting, I can't help but wonder if this is the end for the somewhat uncharismatic coupling of him and Victoria. Oh well, just my opinion, but while it's too bad Victoria is now forced to trudge disconsolately back and rejoin the single ranks, she's probably better off not making any matrimonial ties with this opportunistic golddigger. Unfortunately, given the scarcity of available unattached prospects in this town, that doesn't leave her many dating options. J.T.'s a bit young and anyway, he's likely to be too busy being the man meat fought ferociously over by Mac and Colleen. Michael's taken and Paul's in line for his turn at the town martyr when her current crisis is over. Unless, of course, she and Bradley fall back in love and make another madcap attempt at living happily ever after. I guess there's always Kevin, but then who will Mac turn to if Colleen runs triumphantly off with the J.T. prize? Poor, poor Victoria. I hope she's lucky at games of chance, because she sort of sucks lemons at the elusive game of love.
Though she isn't yet aware of it, Sharon must have stepped to the left just as Cupid's arrow came whizzing by. But that arrow isn't the only thing that has passed her unseen. I guess it must be true what so many mutter mockingly on multiple message boards all over cyberspace. That those really are boulders, not brains, rolling resoundingly around in her clueless cranium. How else to explain her passive acceptance of her husband's total inattention to her and the escalating number of times she's found him standing well within Phyllis' personal space with that guilty look plastered all over his cheating countenance. I'm surprised she didn't hear the loud thud his heart made when it plummeted to the floor after learning her Chicago trip was cancelled and thus his hotel room video game/sex-a-thon scheduled with Phyllis. Instead of spending every free chunk of her time eagerly and enjoyably undermining her sister-in-law's relationship with the man she admitted she loved but didn't want a life with, perhaps she should focus her attention on the man who once couldn't keep his paws off her creamy skin, but now seems barely able to stand looking into her blank face.
Obviously aware they needed no assistance from him, Cupid didn't bother wasting any arrows on Daniel or Lily. The Winters' parents having granted Lily temporary leave from New Hampshire confinement in order to pop out of a big beribboned box for her foster brother's birthday, Lily didn't even stop to brush the sweet taste of his birthday cake from her mouth before making a beeline for the Coffee shop where the first and second syllables to issue from her mouth was Dan and Yell. For both Lily and Daniel, time and strictly enforced distance has not weakened the links in the love connection they share, but unlike some of their adult examples, they have learned from their past mistakes. No more will the teens bravely and defiantly broadcast their determination to be together no matter what those legally in charge of them think or have to say about it. The lovers are now going deeply undercover, keeping their reconnection a secret, not only from their parents, but from certain of their proven to be untrustworthy friends as well. By the way, Devon and Sierra really don't think much. They too easily believed that just like that (insert finger snap here) Lily is suddenly over Daniel. And vice versa. Yeah, right. Hey, perhaps Phyllis can give her son some tips about how to conduct a clandestine affair under the very eyes, ears and noses of all your family, friends, and foes. They can even split the cost of Room 714 and schedule their trysts on a calendar on the refrigerator. By the way, Lily's indignation with her parents for not quite trusting her not to run right to Daniel was amusing, considering that she did exactly that.
For Nick and Phyllis, the LAST thing either of them needs is an arrow filled with love juice. And don't bother flinging at them that certain well worn phrase along the lines of: "get a room, why don't cha". Because they've been there and will definitely be doing that again. For the other, each has become just like those Lay's chips it's said you can't eat just one of and then put the bag away. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Because it's clear that despite what they sometimes say, it has already gone beyond no-strings sex. For Phyllis, the choice is easy. After sampling the young, tender taste of prime Nick, the tougher, stringier Jack meat that's been sitting on the store shelves a long, long time, no longer appeals. And for Nick, life with Sharon is filled with responsibilities, not to mention the bag filled with their respective infidelities stashed in the darkest part of their closet. To Nick, Phyllis must feel like a breath of ... well I can't honestly say fresh air, not with a straight face anyway, so I'll just say the scent she exudes is definitely different than what he's been used to and leave it at that. Even though I really can't imagine Nick and Phyllis married, it's equally hard to believe the Newman marriage could survive the explosion that will result once the shroud of secrecy covering this distasteful dalliance has been ripped away. I can't imagine there will be even a short line waiting to congratulate them. Nick may one day wish he had been much more careful about what he wished for and into which black widow spider's sticky web he strayed.
While floating over the Abbott home, Cupid didn't even bother to reach for an arrow. He knew nobody down there was thinking much about red hearts, fragrant flowers or chocolate candy kisses. They were much too preoccupied with how best to save Ashley's behind from becoming just another number in the ranks of the general prison population. Michael, depending on which family member or family member friend was speaking about him, was either expected to possess the same courtroom prowess as Perry Mason or being likened to an evil spawn of the devil and blamed for every calamity since the coming of Tom Fisher. Colleen, who claims to have put her college courses on indefinite hold just to be available should any family member need her particular brand of comfort has comforted no one within the Abbott walls. If any of them do find themselves in dire need of her care and concern, it will be necessary for them to follow her trail of bread crumbs to the AC or Crimson. It goes without saying, that no Fisher need apply for her aid. Unless one or all of them needs her to help them back up their belongings and get the heck out of Dodge, I mean Abbottville. So what if Granddad is head over heels for Gloria Abbott? As far as Colleen is concerned, she'd rather he live out his days in loneliness and deep despair than have a happy life with the woman who gave birth to Kevin. Of course, if John is able to convince the DA he was the shooter, not Ashley, she may, in a roundabout way, get what she wishes for. I might be the only fan who thinks so, but I see a selfish, vicious streak in that little girl two miles wide. I always have. So the fingers on both my hands are crossed that she does NOT win the J.T. doll. If she doesn't, she would do well to cry her crocodile tears in front of someone who might feel bad for her and hand her a hanky. Rest assured, that someone won't be me because the only thing I'll have waiting for her is a smart aleck "Good For You."
Even though he just shot them recently, Cupid thought it prudent to send a flurry of arrows into the hearts of Lauren and Michael. Just in case they need a little extra love to sustain them through any possible upcoming trials and tribulations. Because after repeatedly being blamed for the dismal state of the current Abbott affairs, Michael is prepared to do a little sacrificing of his own. In order to save his step-sister from the consequences of saving her father, though aware it could mean the end of his marriage, Michael has decided the only honorable thing to do is head to the DA, law license and future freedom in hand, gently remove Ashley from the sacrificial slab and kneel there in her place, contrite and prepared to accept his punishment for the rash actions taken to frame Tom. As always, his portrayal was right on the mark, as was Lauren's grief at the thought of losing her husband. But, Paul is at his best in a crunch. His specialty is riding in to save the day at the last moment. Let's hope he'll continue to behave true to form.
So much for my smart-aleck remarks. The fans had plenty to say this week, so I'm going to step politely aside and let them have at it.
ANTOINE - Victoria made this big speech about everybody holding little Abby's hand. She said Abby knows how to push people's buttons and is playing to get the adults to do what she wants them to do. Then Abby came downstairs and asked Victoria to help her color a picture of her friends from school. And what does Victoria do; drop her things to help little Abby without hesitancy I might add! I figured out why Phyllis and Nicholas are so "hott". Phyllis is well beyond 45 so I am going to say she is 47 years old. Nicholas was born in the late 80's so with the rapid age thing only soap opera's can do, Nick is about 25. In the movie "How Stella got her groove back", the main character played by Angela Bassett was around 40 years old. And the man she had a love relationship with was 20 years old. That movie was, of course, "hott". So, my conclusion is that when you add an age gap of 20 years with a man and a woman with the woman being older, and make it a love affair, their relationship will be "hott".
MARERA - Let me just say kudos on a truly intriguing read this week in the "Two Scoops" Commentary, absolutely fabulous dissection of the storyline focusing on the incredibly tasteless two tangling up the bed sheets currently in G.C. I truly do not understand why the writers that be are wasting their time with these terrible two especially when it would be a great deal more acceptable and not to mention palatable, to see two people who have recently forged a commitment to love each other for better or worse. Yes, I am speaking of Victoria and Bradley and yes, I do know that this is not much of an improvement all things considered, especially when the male party of the two, only told another woman that he loved her a mere moments before proposing to the female party of this equation. I truly felt like I was going to lose my mind at the sheer lunacy of this insensitive and questionably sane action however, I suppose Bradski is just the kind of guy who cuts his losses quick if he doesn't get the answer he's looking to hear and of course, poor, desperate, gullible little Victoria was all too willing to accept the ring and the proposal she was offered as Mister Opportunist of the Year's consolation prize. The only thing good about these two is that they are not actualy legally committed to love another, as is the case with "Old Red" (as you refer so lovingly to Phyllis, who is nothing more than low class skank in my own humble opinion. I mean, I just simply adored the way you described her body as well traveled terrain, what a way with words, lady!) I am all for spicing up the soaps but whatever happened to the moral vote? Does marriage not mean anything anymore on to the writers as they scramble to do everything in their power to keep control in the ratings wat being waged among the networks? Well enough, I must return to my responsibilities, because unlike our pal Nick Newman, I actually DO HAVE to WORK to EARN A LIVING! Loved the way you mentioned that bit about his disenchantment as the guy born with the silver spoon. A person like that should complain about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL! I'm sure you would agree judging from your comments in this weeks "Scoops". Well keep up the good work and when I have a chance, I will drop you a line again.
GENNA - I, too am cheering for Mac and J.T.!!! Especially since that spoiled brat Colleen has appeared back on the scene. But, to me, the biggest insult of this whole saga is Michael and Lauren. This is a couple drama that had everyone cheering them on and watching everyday to see them finally get married and be together. Nothing about all of this makes any sense. Where is Sheila? How did Sugar show up in Scott's apartment knowing all that she did about the situation? Where is Scott? How did Sheila get a plastic surgeon to fix her face when she had just come out of a celler and couldn't walk and had no money? Is she going to come back for a finally? BIG LET DOWN TO A HUGE storyline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now, after all of this time, we have been waiting for Lauren and Michael to reunite, they drop the story like nothing ever happened and move on to Michael and Lauren being separated once again while Michael looses his law license and goes to jail for planting drugs on Terrible Tom!!!!! As for Kevin, I want to see him stay strong against whatever Colleen tries to set him up for. I can't stand the little twit, never could. I am really sorry to see her come back at all. But most of all I hope that J.T. really loves Mac and stays away from the spoiled brat entirely. I really like Phyllis and I liked the way that she was going to work with Nikki on the spa thing until this affair with Nick. I don't agree with you about she and Jack. Jack has been a real jerk when it has come to her and her career goals. He is a control freak just like Victor. He hurt Phyllis once too often, which I know is no reason for her to be jumping Nick, but I am hoping that Phyllis gets wise to her mistakes before it ruins her for good. I think that Brad is doing the right thing and I believe that Victoria and Brad never should have gotten together to being with. Victoria broods to much. She is much like Victor. Dark and moody. Well, can't wait to see what happens with Michael and Lauren and whether he goes to jail and they are apart again. I can't understand why these two weren't able to get their marriage going. What are the writers thinking?
MAUD ANN - Michael. Michael. I am soooo sad he tried to frame Tom - took a big silly risk and lost. I sure hope Lauren will stay with and support him as he confesses all to the DA, and more than anything else for him I really want him to somehow get past this without losing his law license. He's turned into such a good man, it would be a real bummer to lose him back to the dark side. Oh what a stu-pud ding-dong Ashley is to try to 'protect' John! His stu-pud 'beauty' going to prison (though how she can be convicted of a shooting when she had no gunshot residue on her hands is beyond me!) will, I just betchya, kill him off, and I predict Gloria will inherit not only his money but his place on the board of Jabot, and Jack will get to really twist in the wind when she hangs him out to dry! And with the divorce on hold to make Ashley appear more acceptable to her future jury, will she move back into Bradlee's house? It seems the logical next step, and then they could logically share more than the downstairs rooms. Whatever in the world happened to Colleen!? Maybe she had me fooled, but I thought she was such a sweet little thang before she left - she sure is a mean one now! If she succeeds in coming between J.T. and Mac, than J.T. is more of a bum than I thought (and I think he is a pretty big bum already). But I don't get Mac either - she wants to sleep with J.T. and keep Kevin right beside her, too. I want Kevin to go back to the faceless shrink for some booster shots before he frets himself or gets pushed by Colleen back to the dark place where he once was. If we ever had any reason to give Phyllis some slack, the writers have made sure there is no longer any doubt about her total lack of morals, empathy, or anything good - and the same goes for Nick - in my opinion, the two of them are completely without any redeeming qualities; just slimy pondscum. When Sharon finds out what has been going on I hope she takes him to the cleaners, kicks him to the curb, and never looks back. BTW - we never see or hear about Sharon's mother - did she die or move or just fade from the picture?
SANDI - O.K., I had to FF with the Victoria dream about the wedding she and Brad would have. I just thought about this -- if Victoria marries Brad, Nikki will be his mother-im-law and she was in bed with Brad when Nick got arrested for Matt Clarke's murder! Lauren was cheating on Scott with Brad -- my, my Brad does get around.
DR. SOAPS - If I could, I'd slap Colleen across her face. I wasn't watching Y&R when Kevin hurt Colleen and Lily, but I know that abuse is not good. No one would want someone to deal with the pressure of facing his or her abuser without preparation. I can imagine how difficult it must be for her. But she has no right - NO right to insult Kevin in that manner. "You want a chance? I'll give you a chance. Every time I walk into a room, I want you to walk right out." Now who the hell does she think she is? Everyone in the city has accepted the new Kevin. Colleen doesn't have to but she undoubtedly needs to stop complaining. Because Kevin is not going away, and if she wants to be here, she must learn to co-exist with him. These kids in the soap - they got to learn to co-exist. Daniel and Devon (I hate Devon for hiding the truth from Daniel- he's going to get into big trouble for it!), J.T. and Kevin (who are getting better, except when J.T. is next to whimpering Colleen, then Kevin is the devil), Mac and Colleen (Good work to Mac for sticking by her guns, not letting Colleen faze her), Kevin and Colleen (no comment) and more. Crazy kids! My only other comment is the Jack, Phyllis, Nick, and Sharon square. Jack is conniving and two-faced. He doesn't deserve Phyllis because of his backstabbing ways, and obviously, Phyllis doesn't deserve him, because of her sexual dances with Nick. Phyllis, sexy and daring needs to get her bum in her seat at work and with her son, not in Nick's lap. No wonder Daniel complains to the world - his mother isn't around for him to talk to. I dislike the lack of respect that Phyllis has for Nick's marriage. She needs to be honest and either convince Nick to leave his marriage, or she needs to leave Nick's marriage. She can't have both. Nick needs to get a spine and fight for what's right. Sharon - Oh Lordy! She needs to get rid of her pouty Brad face, and her 'I am a parent, I am better than Victoria' line because its annoying everyone! She's as guilty as Nick. Okay, one more thing! Victoria - I can't help feeling bad for her. Brad is treating her like Abby, not a fiancé. Victoria doesn't have to be a parent to understand children - she has experienced things and is smart enough to have equal input. Phew! Enough! This is too much for a doctor to handle!
MAUSI - Hey I love your comments but disagree on one - I LOVE Phyllis and Nick together, they are hot together. Smile. Keep on writing. I love your Two Scoops.
WANDA - What was the deal with Sharon and Nick eating at the "Big house"? She got the food at Gina's, ate at someone else's house, and then ran away for a business trip and Nick cleaned up. Talk about no domestic skills at all. Please, please, please let John have the blame for shooting TT. I'm so sick of that SL. I'm sick of all the air time the Abbotts have been getting the last few months too. OMG I'm so glad I was watching Y&R on tape when Mac done her imitation of Daisy Duke. That was so idiotic and childish. I loved how Daniel and Lily fooled everyone with their "breaking up" fight. I can't stand Devon these days. Though he has quit being so unappreciative of the Winters since Yolanda pulled her fast getaway. Speaking of fast getaways, Y&R is famous for those. Yolanda is just the latest one. Brittany going to live with her parents in N.Y. Jill's love at CI (the CEO that was embezzling). Katherine's long lost love Arthur (Jill's father). Maybe now we can be spared those "googly eyes" that Victoria is always making at Bradley. Though that is the stupidest SL in a while, Bradley staying married to Ashley to spare her image. When John was talking about Ash always trying to do something good to help other people, he must have forgotten what she did to her and Brad's marriage in order to try to be with Victor "one more time". In Soapland everyone has a short memory though. They forget things that would be jail time and more for some of their characters. I guess if we did away with everyone who deserved it we would be out of characters shortly though.