Hey fellow fans. First and foremost, my apologies for the lateness of my column. As some of you have told me, you sometimes stay up late to catch the Sunday night posting, so if I caused any of you a loss of valuable sleep, I sincerely apologize.
Now, let's dish.
Proving for the one millionth time that he inhabits a world far removed from the reality the rest of us live in, Nick opened his mouth and out slid a slew of nonsensical syllables. Through eyes slitted with hate, he spat out that the humiliation he recently suffered had nothing presumably to do with anything he'd done, but was a vicious trap set by the Daddy he detests. How funny to see Nitwit hoisted and swinging to and fro by his own petard, so to speak. Suffering the exact ignominious fate he had planned for his father. Read our lips, Nick. It wasn't Victor punishing you for your traitorous tattle tales to the feds that had you picking your embarrassed behind up off the floor, but your continued attempt to punish your father for now knowing the taste and texture of Sharon's lips. All right fans, slam me if you will, and in case you do, I have my shield at the ready, but I thoroughly enjoyed Victor putting Nick's crybaby donkey behind solidly in check. He deserved every scornful syllable Victor mumbled at him. And one more lashing of scorn from my whip for his leading Nikki to believe it was all done for love of her instead of hatred for Daddy.
How weary I am of hearing Nick and Sharon take turns accusing Victor of standing in their way. Well, perhaps its time the young Newman's took a different life's path then, one named Make Your Own Way Avenue perhaps instead of Prepaid Newman Drive. I am so ready for sister Victoria to come home. Thankfully, now that a new face has been found, it won't be much longer. Will her return be enough to make Nick stop chanting that annoying hate Daddy ditty? And what will Victoria's return to the Newman corporate world mean for Dru and Phylliss? I know, their immediate termination is probably hoping for too much.
Moving on. Swinging a pendulum of dire possibilities before the Jabot board's confused and uninformed eyes, and straying just a little afield of the whole truth and nothing but, Jack easily hypnotized his associates with his persuasive brand of sweet smelling snake oil. Taking only Jack's word about the rough terrain of the employment land ahead, instead of sending a lookout of their own to check out the rocks in the road, the collected members of the Board timidly raised their mitts in mutual agreement to Jack's CI majority owner proposal, instantly losing half of their respective drops in the buckets. Brad began to have second thoughts almost immediately, sensing too late that Jack had somehow eased the wool over their trusting eyes. But John, even after guessing correctly all that had been said and done wasn't completely above board, still preferred to be indebted to the devil he raised (Jack) instead of the devil his daughter had saddled him with (Victor).
As for Nikki, while she wasn't jumping for joy at the loss of half her investment, it's not as if she's actually going to have to tighten her belt and miss any meals because of it. She would have probably sacrificed it all if it would have bought her Victor's undivided attention. I have to say it. As much as I adore Miss Nikki, I'm beginning to ask myself what is her malfunction anyway? How is Victor's selfish desire to continue to play business ball with the big boys any different than her selfish desire to have him sit on the bench? Who gets to judge which of the two is the more selfish? And I'm also beginning to wonder what constitutes a man in her eyes. Is it Bobby, a man whose once virile stock has plummeted in my eyes for allowing himself and his child bride to become a kept couple, living under another man's roof, eating his food, sleeping in a bed he bought, all while playing support-a-pal with his benefactor's needy, neglected wife. Nikki, here's a tiny tidbit to jot down on that pad by the phone. It's easy to be an attentive husband when someone else is paying your way. I don't think Nikki wants a man, she wants a puppy happily wagging its tails and licking her face upon each of her returns.
Ahh and then there's Jill. I know it's mean, but somehow, I never tire of watching her wind up with the short and dirty end of the stick in her greedy hands. Mostly because she seems to bring calamity down on herself. Letting Jack's whispered words not to breathe a word of the Jabot coup to the woman who was actually footing the bill for it, rush in one ear and out the other, Jill hurried home, promptly unzipped her lip and let it flap uncontrollably until the entire takeover tale had been told. Kay, as expected, reacted in unbridled fury, rising up and slamming her head on the proverbial roof. Once she'd landed back on the carpeted floor, she composed herself in preparation for bearding the Jack lion in his dank and darkened den, planning to immediately ban the buyout. That's when the comedy team, known more commonly as the Y&R scribes, stepped in. Because when Jill realized nothing she could say was going to halt Kay's determined march to the mausoleum's door, Jill rushed to her perfumed boudoir, scrabbled deep beneath the ruffled skirt of her four poster and dragged out her tin box of titillating toys. Not pausing for a pensive look back at the memory of the last time she'd fastened them around (or had them fastened to) a wrist, she snatched up the handcuffs, blew off the dust and in no time at all had Mama handcuffed to her own four poster. The rest of what happened was too ridiculous to waste many words on. Some fans might have found it amusing, although I just thought it was silly. But for those who missed it, the gist of it was Esther returned early, Larry was summoned, a hacksaw made a brief appearance, general hysteria was displayed by all, and in the end a summoned Nikki calmed and released a wailing Kay, and talked her into rubber-stamping the less than desirable deal.
I had to smile when I saw Nikki play the sentimentality trump card to coerce Kay into compliance - the long and dear friendship she'd enjoyed with both her and John. The smile was for Jack's earlier scorn at Victor for using the very same card on John. I guess there's nothing wrong with playing the sentimentality card, as long as the right person pulls it from their sleeve.
As expected, Kay's agreement to Jack's underhanded plan had a stainless steel unbreakable chain attached to it. Jack was forbidden from placing Jill in any position of authority. And Judas Jack, while one hand quickly clasped Kay's to seal the deal, the other casually plunged a bejeweled blade of betrayal into the brocade covering Jill's bent back. Had Jill known she'd never savor the rich, sweet juice of the coveted Jabot plum, I'm sure she'd never have campaigned so vigorously. And snake that he is, Jack wasn't even man enough to let her in on the bad news, deciding to slay that dragon another day. So, if Jill is prohibited from working at Jabot, does that make her officially unemployed?
So it would appear Jack has won this round. Unfortunately, the same inept leadership that sank Jabot so far in debt still exists, so if you don't mind, I'll save the celebrating for later. Just a thought. Any chance that wiggly little string Victor attached to his 75 million dollar drop in the bucket, you know, the one that insisted Jack could never have an executive position at Jabot, could possibly have a detrimental effect on the nearly done deal, preventing Jack, even in his capacity as CI CEO, from having anything to do with the day-to-day destroying, I mean rebuilding, of Jabot. And while I'm grabbing at straws, I may as well reach for the following one as well. The one held by Gloria, who worked tirelessly, though in vain, on her own to kill the deal. At the moment, it seems all her efforts were for naught, but that may not necessarily remain the case. Does Michael have a card up his own sleeve, one that will have nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with some loophole legality? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
And finally, we can't overlook Brad, who is being uncharacteristically chummy with Victor. As long as Victor doesn't mention Abby's name, that is. He's definitely a little heated under his starched collar at being outfoxed by Jack. Any chance an alliance between Victor and Brad could be in Jabot's future? Because it's something different, I'd welcome it. Lastly, without Jabot to save, Victor will now be left with time hanging heavily on his hands. Will his path now lead back to Newman? February might be over, but the months ahead could still prove riveting.
As usual Phyllis won't have to clean up yet another mess she's made, this one the commission of the federal crime of tampering unlawfully with someone else's mail. Not that anyone expected any other outcome. Obviously, the texture of Phyllis' alabaster skin, like many other Genoa City citizens, is of the nonstick Teflon variety.
Which brings us to the traveling DNA results, equipped with not only legs, but multiple pairs of wings as well. It could have been a comedy. If it had been funny. But it wasn't. Just my opinion, of course. But I suppose it did have an amusing moment or two. If you have a twisted sense of humor like mine. For instance, Neil's comment to Phyllis forced a derisive snort of laughter from my mouth. "Why aren't you at work?" Har-de-har. I can only assume it must have been Neil's medication leaving him less than mentally competent that made him mumble that question. Why else would he assume there was something different about that particular day than any of the others during which she never bothered to report for internet duty? She's never at work. Why? Because she's much too busy careering crazily from one other person's crisis to the next.
Phyllis is so full of dog poo. Okay, so she didn't trust Dru to be honest about the DNA results. So once she had them in her prying little paws, why didn't she trot straight to Malcolm with them? Even someone with her limited reasoning ability would presumably assume Malcolm would be anxiously waiting by the door for their delivery. So why didn't she just point her meddlesome behind toward the condo elevators instead of Neil's hospital room? Anyone else believe the taking of the results is Phyllis' last act of interference? I didn't think so. There's about as much a chance of that as there is a snowball's hope of surviving whole in the hot place. I'm guessing she'll soon be placing a call to one of her still employed contacts at the NY lab. Rumors have been abounding. Neil's the Daddy. Neil is not. The results were faked. The results were not. One DNA test? Or two? When the DNA dust has settled, will Devon unexpectedly wind up with both a Winters Daddy and an Uncle? Hey, I just pass them on. I don't claim any of them are true.
During the dragged out ludicrousness of THE ENVELOPE, the next potential pair-up of love seems to be forming its foundation. Apparently having given up at last on the unattainable older maiden Mac, Daniel seems to be viewing Lily through suddenly interested eyes. It's hard to tell if there is any heat between them, due to my inability to get past my annoyance at Lily's tiresome preoccupation with Malcolm. It was enough two weeks ago with Lily's obsession with Malcolm. Now we have her running to Mom's arch enemy, dirty laundry flapping in her hands, looking for answers to her incessant questions? Oh Lily, civil words about your obsession fails me.
See Kevin. See J.T.. See J.T. stab Kevin with one caustic comment after another. See the smile on Kevin's face. See the disappointed scowl on J.T.'s. Wow! Kevin is turning into such a grown up. Instead of causing him to spin crazily out of control, Kevin never lost his cool, letting J.T.'s taunts fall harmlessly to the floor of Crimson Lights. Deciding to go directly to the mare's mouth for answers rather than blindly accept J.T.'s assessment of Mac's intentions, Kevin asked her a simple, straightforward question. A question Mac couldn't seem to find a simple, straightforward answer to in her bag of responses. Boy, talk about beating all about the mulberry bush. What would have been so hard about, gee, Kevin, love you like a play cousin, but me and you and something permanent? Ain't gonna happen. Or words along those lines. So fans, what do you think? Did Mac's ambiguous answer, "If you have to ask" give you a clue? I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I left that conversation any wiser. It seemed to satisfy Kevin though.
With Kevin gone happily on his way, Mac's subsequent conversation with J.T. was obviously an attempt to make J.T. admit his interference in her friendship with Kevin was for love of, or at least serious interest in, her, but Mr. Won't Commit, wouldn't. If he had, though, I'm certain Mac would have dropped Kevin like a hot, twice baked potato.
While I'm on the subject of the pure and untouched Mackenzie Browning, I certainly hope the third time will be the charm. As everyone's probably aware by now (if they don't, please glance at the headlines to the left, and read all about it), Mackenzie, or more correctly Ashley Bashioum, is again departing the city. Once upon a time, Ashley, along with her then smitten beau, David Tom, as Billy Abbott, were the darlings of Genoa City, making the hearts of millions of fans pitter patter with pleasure, and hearken back to fond memories of their own first loves, and yes I was right in the front of the line. Week after week, letters and emails poured in from fans young and old, the accolades seemingly unending. Then suddenly it was over. By her own choice, Ashley was moving on. And with her, what was thought of by some to be the next GC super couple, rivaled only by Victor and Nikki, was over. Kelly Kruger was the next Mac, but in my opinion never even came close to filling the deep impressions left by Ashley's soles. There was never even a spark between the new Mac and Billy (who also wound up with a new face along the way), let alone any flames. Eventually, after making the once promising pair first cousins, Kelly too wandered down Forgotten Lane, followed immediately by her broken-hearted beau. Given what they had become, I admit I was not saddened to see either of them go. But when I learned Ashley would be reclaiming her role, I was hopeful. Even without the original Billy, I was glad she was coming back and couldn't wait to see who they would put her with. Unfortunately, as usually happens after a hiatus, short or long, the enchantment had evaporated. Mac returned with nothing to do and no one anyone wanted to see her do it with. While she and J.T. had promise (I thought) the first time around, something vital was missing from take two. And though it worked for others, Mac and Daniel together didn't do a thing to accelerate my pulse. Apparently I wasn't the only one who wasn't so impressed with her second time around. Because for the third time, those in power are bringing forth yet another Mackenzie Browning. Some fans are saying what's the point? I guess come March 28, we'll see.
Speaking of departing, words were mumbled during the week that would lead one to believe there was a chance Brittany and Bobby would be packing up and heading for parts unknown. Well, I have just two words to say about that possibility: OH YAY! I guess it goes without saying I won't be standing tearfully by the side of the road waving my soggy white hanky in farewell. I never liked them together from day one and their continued presence on my small screen has not made my heart grow any fonder. I still find this mismatched pair boring, uninteresting and unbelievable in equal parts. Now, I am not a fast-forwarding fan. I generally listen to every syllable spoken and sit through every acted or overacted, in some cases, scene unfolding before my eyes. But I confess Bobby and Brittany come close to turning me into a button pusher. Part of it is probably Brittany. I can't find much about her to like. The mental picture of her straddling a drugged into unconsciousness Billy is forever seared into my memory. Remember that? Wasn't a very pretty portrait was it? Besides that, except for the short time when her vulnerability peeked out while she fell slowly in love with Raul, the rest of the time I've found her obnoxious, demanding, abrasive, selfish and just plain unlikable. Yes, I know, the rich, pampered princes had parents who just didn't pay her enough attention, yet showered her with anything money could buy. Forgive me if I just can't muster up much sympathy for her plight.
Of course, I'm not buying for a second that these two are actually going to go anywhere. My dreams never come true that easily. Although if Bobby is to be believed, jobs certainly do. According to him, he's just going to sell the club, pick a town and get a job. And him and his child bride and their wee little bairn will live happily ever after. Just like that. But whatever will the pregnant princess do without J.T. to run complainingly to? And if jobs are so easy to come by, why hasn't Bobby put the skin pen up for sale and went out and found one in Genoa City? And why is he so broke anyway? Didn't he rehire the dancers and reopen the doors? Are we to believe the dollars have diminished simply because Marilyn isn't crooning an old timey tune, just before doing her high-speed, aerobic version of a seductive strip?
Well, he might not be leaving the city, but he certainly ought to take his bride's advice and move his belongings from the Newman ranch. Because his hostess is feeling very needy these days and we all know what happens when she gets that way. She's already lain an impulsive kiss on a startled Bobby's lips. As kisses go, it was pretty tame, but I'm sure it was enough to whet Nikki's appetite, and perhaps Bobby's as well. A line's been crossed and I'm sure it won't be long before one or both of them take a few steps further into that forbidden territory.
Okay, step up to the plate, fans, it's your turn at bat.