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 Two Scoops: January 31, 2005 columns
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Don Diamont
Where for art thou, February?
by Nita
For the Week of January 31, 2005
February sweeps can't come soon enough, because many of the current storylines seem to be just another reheat of the same old leftovers.
February sweeps can't come soon enough for me. If only because of my hope something new and different might be on the Genoa City menu. Perhaps it's just me, but many of the current storylines seem to be just another reheat of the same old leftovers.

For instance, how many more times will the manipulative Ashley mannequin be posed against the mumbling Victor doll? How many more ways with how much more venom can Brad inform Victor how much he hates him? How many more fool proof plans can Jackrabbit concoct to topple the Newman marble King from his throne without the heavy pieces falling and maiming the guilty and innocent alike? Yes, I know the answer as well as you. Many, many more! Such is the daily life of the citizens in this city.

The Victor Vendetta - Part 999. Brad "Broken Record" Carlton continued to deafeningly declare his dissatisfaction with the status quo. He's squawked that same hate Victor song so long we've all memorized the lyrics and can whine them right along with him. Despite his oft mentioned 35 million dollar transfusion and years trying to fix what ailed Jabot, Brad's been unable to hoist them from the sea of red ink they're nearly drowning in. But that doesn't mean he's going to put his shoulder to the task of helping Victor do it. Claiming both Victor and Ashley are blind as two bats in the blindingly bright daytime, Brad's vision doesn't appear to be any clearer. With all that hatred clouding his eyes, he wouldn't see the tree of truth until he walked face first into it. Despite what he says, Brad doesn't have Jabot's best interest in his jealous, vindictive, black heart. It's all about his hatred for Victor. Given their current cantankerous relationship, it's hard to believe there was once a time Brad was Victor's right hand man, kowtowing and yessir-ing Victor as deferentially as Neil. Since we already have Jack's hatred and vendetta against Victor, adding Brad's voice to the rancorous chorus seems a bit redundant. It might have been interesting to see this one played a bit differently. For instance, Brad and Victor could have formed a formidable duo and accomplished miracles. Instead, Brad thinks leading a mutiny is the way to go. As part owner and Board member, he might be exempt from expulsion, but what about the company minions he's urging to follow his foolhardy example? Will he feed their families when Victor opens the door and shoves them out for their treachery? Brad is always quick to point out Victor's shortcomings, but his own principles could stand a little polishing as well. Because he wasted no time trying to play on Nikki's insecurities by waving the Victor and Ashley flag before her horrified eyes. And that wasn't the first time he's resorted to playing that low class card. I guess Brad still resents the fact that Nikki retained her man and her marriage while he lost his manipulative mate.

It's official. Victor has obviously become a glutton for punishment and paralyzing pain. Or perhaps his hide has grown such a thick impenetrable skin from the numerous disrespectful darts plunged into it by his surly, traitorous son, he doesn't even feel Bradley's bile-laced arrows. Why does Victor even waste his time and energy trying to save this ungrateful lot? It's not as if any of the Abbotts will be eternally grateful for his lifesaving maneuvers. On the contrary, like selfish, willful children, they'll consider all he does as their due and no more than what is owed them. Because rummaging carefully through the mound of rotten apples piled up in the Jabot barrel, they've selected only those pitched in by Victor, ignoring the worm-filled, half-eaten cores left there by their own executives' inexpert decisions.

Irony: Nick, Brad and Jack turning up their supercilious snouts at Victor's bribery dishonesty, yet seeing nothing underhanded in their own scheme to make Sharon believe Jabot is overpaying her. Now that Victor's aware who was really paying the mouthpiece, it will be interesting to see what he does with the information. It would serve his sanctimonious son right if Victor blew his leaky little rowboat right out of the water.

In tendering her resignation as Jabot's perky pundit, Sharon swiftly recited so many contradictory statements, by the time her mouth stopped moving, my head was spinning dizzily trying to keep them all straight. Once I had them all sorted out, this is what I think she said. One: She's leaving because she wants to spend more time with her children. I laughed myself off the couch on that one. Like that will ever happen. Since she's presumably only exchanging one long work day for another, unless she's planning a weekly take your children to work day, she'll be spending no more time with her children than before. Two: It's not good for husband and wives to work at competing companies. She's been at Jabot how long? Is she just now realizing they're competitors? Three: Now that Dru's been promoted, the spokesperson job is available. Is my mind that muddled? Because I don't recall Dru actually being hired as spokesperson, so how can she vacate a position she never held? And while I'm on the subject, exactly what is Sharon going to speak about? Isn't Brass and Sassy scents and Safra the extent of Newman's cosmetic line? I'm already laughing at imagining Sharon trying to extol the virtues of cosmetic wares for women of color. She certainly can't claim to have used them herself! Besides, how believable would Sharon be to the buying masses when one day she was screechily singing the praises of Jabot cosmetics and the next leading a selling song in Newman's Choir? By the way, since Dru is now the head of the Newman Cosmetics Division, does that make her Sharon's boss? Four: Obscure and minuscule Midwestern towns are not good enough for no-experience Sharon to grace with her queenly presence. No, she craves the opportunity to make a fool for herself before large and jaded audiences.

The only sure thing that will come out of Sharon's transfer of loyalties from Jabot to Newman is that now we'll be forced to view her lingerie collection both at home and in the office. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to watching the Newman rabbits hop in and out of their clothes and on and off the sofa. I've already got my barf bags all lined up in a row in preparation for what's going to happen after listening to all those effusive phrases Nick will be spewing all over the executive offices in praise of all Sharon's God-given and surgically-enhanced charms. Which brings us to the real reason Sharon is fleeing the listing Jabot liner to clamber aboard the Newman barge. Because Nick does not want her working with his father. Obnoxious Nick. I live for the day Victor pulls the rug out from under his traitorous toes.

Well, once Malcolm's African tale had been told, it turned out to be a whole lot of drama for a little bit of explanation. After being tossed onto a muddy African shore, an injured Malcolm lay listening to the fading thump-thump-thump of departing helicopter rotors, torturing himself with Technicolor visions of Alex sighing with satisfaction in brother Neil's arms. But before he could gasp out his last breath, along came a family poor in possessions but apparently prosperous in love and caring for their fellow man who nursed him back to health using roots, barks and potions unheard of by any in the traditional medical field. A family presumably so filled with devotion for one another, it made their new American friend long fiercely for his own far off family, most especially his sort of son, little Nate. Yet once he made his way safely to the bosom of that very family, instead of grasping them with loving arms, all he could show them was bitterness and belligerence, fighting off their every effort to draw him back into the family fold. So, what exactly happened in Africa that changed Malcolm so? Because despite his explanation, I'm still stumbling around in the dark trying to figure it out. And lastly, forgive me if my throat closes up and refuses to swallow down his claim of an overwhelming love for young Nate, because he STILL thinks his faux father is dead. But all that's beside the point, for the moment, the white flags have been waved and hostilities between the Winters' brothers have been called to a halt. At least for today. Tomorrow could well be a whole 'nother story.

Hahaha, that tumbling ball you see before you is me rolling on the floor with uncontrollable hysterics watching Dru's dream. I laughed until I snorted Pepsi at that one. Like Malcolm would win the right to take Lily anywhere. He wouldn't have a wooden leg to stand on in court. And where was Neil is this desolate picture of departure? Besides, Malcolm can barely take care of himself, let alone a high maintenance, extremely spoiled lass like Lily. Anyway, by hook and by crook, the DNA samples have all been taken and sent off to the lab. I'm sure we'll all be busily nibbling our nails down to the nubs in anxious anticipation of the results. I don't know about you, but I'm going to be sitting right outside Olivia's door waiting for the Fed-Ex man. Yeah, right.

Can Bobby and Brittany together be any less interesting? I still think they are absolutely the worst pairing to come pouring out of the Genoa City love pipe in a very long time. Just my opinion, but these two together are actually painful to watch and still make my skin crawl in distaste. No matter how I squint my eyes, I still see Brittany as a stiff little Barbie playing house with a worldly, indulgent Ken doll. And to make matters worse, it's not even her house. Brittany acts as if she read a book or watched a movie about the way a perfect, understanding wife talks and acts and is struggling to duplicate the role exactly. As for Bobby, I know he's supposed to be madly in love with his child bride, but am I the only fan who often thinks he looks extremely uncomfortable with her? Kind of like he just swallowed something he isn't sure his stomach is going to keep down. He treats her like a not very bright little girl and I keep expecting him to pat her on the head and say, now, now, kitten. Just like Daddy used to say. I wonder if I was the only one who snorted in disbelief when he told Brittany the two of them were meant to be together simply because Brittany's self-absorbed mind had simultaneously conceived the same idea his did, to give Joshua's poor little traumatized bones a proper burial.

It's time for the Marsino's to move on. Does anyone who moves in with another ever become financially stable enough to strike out on their own? Once his brother has been laid to rest, will Bobby return to the business of earning enough money to put his own roof over his wife's head? And will Brittany ever stand behind the counter of Lauren's little shop of overpriced products again or croon some old timey tune on the Marilyn's stage to help him?

Of course, in this town, living indefinitely with others is more the norm than the exception. Even marriage didn't convince Jack to give up the comforts of his boyhood bedroom. And now that Ashley's marriage is a rotting thing of the past, she was the next baby bird to reclaim her pink canopied place in the family nest as well. Phyllis and Daniel seem to have become permanent squatters on Newman land although Phyllis can certainly afford a place of her own. She could just use the money she normally allots for disguises and first class flights to distant cities to fight other people's battles. And let's not forget still half-crazed Kevin, who despite his presumed re-acceptance by most members of GC society, Colleen and J.T. excepted, remains unemployed, content to live indefinitely off the largess of big brother Mike.

It never made any sense from the beginning, so perhaps it was appropriate that it didn't make any sense at the end either. The Damon/Dominic/Phyllis convoluted conspiracy case is finally closed. In a confusing mishmash containing the abundantly bodied, very bad Southern accented reporter, Sandra King, a homesick for the comforts of a Georgia prison, Dominic, an unconventional interview between a prisoner whose request for counsel was immediately denied as an unnecessary and absurd request, a lawyer for the accused, the DA himself, a turncoat named Fuzzy, mysteriously infected with Dru's disease, that being a loose and uncontrollable flapping of the lips, and a PI who was suddenly able to find his um, brain, with both hands, not to mention the suddenly discerning Webber, who was right for a change in his recognition of a disguised Phyllis, it ended with a whimper and immense sighs of relief from fans all over the world. Oh well, it's over. Who cares how implausibly they wrapped it up?

So chalk up yet another loss for DA Richards and Woebegone Weber (where does that man hide his sense of humor), although at least this one was suffered behind doors marked private instead of in the middle of a courtroom where all the regular courtroom watchers could chortle over it. Poor Hank. He'd never make a Canadian Mountie, because other than the time he captured Mr. Lewis and his shady sidekicks, Hank has never gotten to use his expert abilities to "get" his man. Instead he has had to resort to uttering ineffectual threats promising to keep his eagle eye on some unlucky someone. Well, I hope he has a pair of eyes not only in the front of his skull, but on the back and sides too, because he'll need them all to surreptitiously scrutinize the possibly criminal activities of Phyllis, Jack, Diane and Kevin, if I'm remembering everyone he's told that to.

Although I'm usually not much for ghostly scenes, I enjoyed Elias' latest visit. It was a cute and touching scene between father and son. As for Mommy and Daddy, while Adrienne and Damon don't exactly set the scenery aflame with their chemistry yet, they do appear natural and relaxed together. As anyone who reads me regularly knows, I wasn't a fan who detected heat between Damon and Phyllis and admit I prefer this new pairing much better. Obviously these ex's have some unfinished business between them, and I like the fact that Malcolm has decided to stay out of the frame to let them see if they can tape their family picture back together. It remains to be seen whether Adrienne will allow him to remain out of the competition or rival Olivia in hopeful and heated pursuit. Finally, now that the final curtain has dropped on Damon's mini melodrama, I presume he'll be making his slow way back to Jabot. If memory serves me right, when last we saw them, relations between Damon and Victor were rather strained, so it will be interesting to see whether Victor thinks the absentee chemist still deserves to tinker with his test tubes in the Jabot lab.

Could J.T. have looked any less excited at the possibility Colleen could be skipping happily after him on the GCU campus, her blue eyes filled to the brim with blind devotion? I can see it now, J.T. turning from one of his flirtatious conversations with some GCU cutie only to find Colleen's tear-filled orbs gazing at him with disappointment and despair. Although, after that mysterious conversation between Brad and Traci, J.T. may not have to worry about Colleen long. She may well have to return to New York, at least for awhile. And although I may number in the minority, I can't say I will miss her terribly.

There's a couple of interesting rumors making the rounds, which I won't share here for fear of spoiling things for fans who don't wish to be forewarned. A "shocker" with Brittany's name engraved on it is being bandied about, and there is allegedly a coming clash between two powerful but unnamed titans just around the next corner. Of course, I'll comment on them should they actually occur.

* * * * * * *

Okay fans, that's my half. The page is now yours.

MAZIE - I have renamed this show "The Young and the Useless." My TV is silent during most of the hour since I mute out the stories and people I find dull, boring stupid and unfunny. I watch Victor, Michael, J.T., Bobby and Mac. I'm sick of the long drawn out stories. I read recently that the number of viewers of soap operas has declined through the years. If this show doesn't pick up some steam with interesting people and stories I will switch to Court TV!

SANDRA - Finally, the Bobby/Nikki/Joshua and the Phyllis/Damon/Dominic things are over!!!! Now if we can get rid of the Ashley/Brad/Victor/Jabot thing, it would be peaceful once again in GC!!!! I can't believe Bobby and Brittany are STILL at the ranch, drinking Victor's coffee and booze, eating his food, sleeping in his spare room and why are Phyllis and Daniel still at the ranch??? I thought both families were only doing this 'temporarily'. Now, let's hope the paternity test FINALLY gets taken care of. Silly Lilly sure needs something in her life besides grown up things.

MAUREEN - Enough of the disguises already! I watch all of CBS soaps. We just got done seeing Harley on Guiding Light dress up and anyone who couldn't tell it was her must have been drugged or half asleep, especially Gus and her family members! Now Phyllis, on the other hand, hers was very good but I am sick of that scenario.

THERESA - OK, at long last Ashley has actually done some things that are making her one of my least fav person in GC and that took some doing, 'cause I like the Abbots! I'm soooooo sick of the current Newman/Abbott storyline! Another angle/ANY other angle will do, please. How about bringing back Victoria? How about getting Bobby with Nikki? I don't mind the story with the Winters family, but does it HAVE to drag on forever? WHO writes this stuff? I want to see Jack Abbott either back in as a major CEO- more about CI please, and back to romance and being a father to Kyle! Have the writers forgotten ALL their little details that were once important? Y&R is # 1, so they shouldn't have to cut their budgets THAT much to have the same few storylines going in circles al the time. Let's mix it up again with more characters and more storylines (WHERE is NINA?) We barely see Jill anymore, let alone anyone else but the same nine people. So come on, writers, let's make 2005 a very memorable year for EVERYONE in GC, the seen and barely seen alike.

WANDA - What a boring week on Y&R!!! At least two of those storylines that had been dragging on way too long was put to sleep. Why hadn't Michael done his stuff with Glenn Richards and Dominic months ago? None of the stuff they talked about was new evidence. Maybe now Nikki can get on with her life too. She has been absolutely paralyzed to anything else since this whole murder thing started. She and Bobby are getting mighty chummy though. When are he and Brittany going to get them a place to live?? They have been married almost three months. Count them 3 months and she is just now getting around to cooking the man dinner?? I am so sick of hearing her say, "He's my husband" or "I'm your wife." Big frigging deal!!!! I couldn't believe it when Damon said he thought he would take a vacation. What has he been on ever since he came to GC?? No wonder Jabot has no new products in the works. They have no chemist. Maybe the Victor running Jabot SL will make Y&R a little more interesting. I have been FW the VCR so much lately.

MICHELLE - Just wondering if I was the only person who notices that women in Genoa City can only have a baby from one man. Nikki has a kid with Victor and then she loses Jack's later. Ashley has a kid with Victor and then loses Brad's. Phyllis has a kid with "someone else" and can't get pregnant with Jack's. Why can the guys have kids from other women but not the women from other men?

MARY - I just had a wild thought - what if Devon was the child of Malcolm and Dru! Wouldn't that be a hoot? We all laughed at the thought of Jill being Kay's daughter - how was that possible - but it sure turned out believable. I like Devon and would sure like to see him have some sort of a storyline. If they aren't going to bring back Nate any time soon, Devon could be a good addition to the family of either Malcolm or Damon.

JESSICA - I just wanted to say I totally agree with you about Brad. I'm so sick of Brad. I also think he is definitely part of Jabots problem and I say fire him.

TARA - Same Blubberin' Bobby. Same Doh!-Foiled-Again Webber. Same Snarlin' Brad. Same B!tchy Ashley. Same Bossy Victor. Same Worthless Sharon. Same Drama-Queen Lily. Same Fake-Dread-Wearin'-No-Forehead-Havin' Malcolm. Sigh. I need some freshness in here people!

I just can't stop making fun of the Marsino's. They're such easy targets lately! Tell me why Mrs. Marsino can't seem to keep her happy butt at home with her man?! Every half-hour she's over at the loft. I can just hear her now -- "But J.T., they were hugging, like they were holding on to each other for dear life. I just don't like it how close these two are becoming. I need to remind Nikki that Bobby Marsino is MY HUSBAND! J.T., what am I going to do?!" (rolling eyes). Just think, once we endure more Blubberin' Bobby & Stand-By-My-Man-(Except-When-I'm-Runnin'-Off-To-See-J.T.) Brittany at the "burial" of little Joshy's remains - whew! - it's OVER! Then we can get on with the connection between Bobby & Nikki that we all see coming. I mean, c'mon, once we get the dead brother out of the picture Bobby won't have much of a SL so TPTB will have to embroil him in somethin' new. Who better than Nikki -- who will already be furious with Victor because of the way he's runnin' thangs at Jabot...The writing's on the wall!

Looks like Phyllis pushed the envelope juuuuust far enough to get ol' Glen Richards to re-think his actions, and wouldn't'ya know, it all came down to our good friend Fuzzy! WOO HOO! GO FUZZY GO! HAHA! I was so tickled to see Phyllis come down the stairs in her "Big Girl" Michelin Man outfit and throw her Tulane-southern accent back at Webber!! And wasn't it great to see him slink away from Abbott Manor with his tail between his legs -- even he couldn't help but to chuckle! I LOVED IT!!

And KHC was AMAZING in his scenes with Elias! I was actually cryin' at the end of Thursday's scene, it was so moving. (It's gotta be good when I'M cryin' 'cause I don't find many things in GC sappy these days.) And someone please keep Lily away from the gym! If that girl loses one more pound she'll be swept away with the next great gust of wind. She needs to hit the buffet, not the treadmill!

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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