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 Two Scoops: July 14, 2008 columns
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Eric Martsolf
May I recommend the filet mignon?
by Ekek
For the Week of July 14, 2008
What is wrong with Theresa? Is her wig on too tight? Last week, Ethan was poisoned and dying, all of her relatives were dying in front of her, and she decided that it was a great time to let Ethan know that she's Theresa in disguise.


What's for dinner is a new twist in Harmony. Those two crazy serial killers Vicky and Vincent have decided to merge together to commit a mass murder. They catered the wedding reversal dinner and poisoned the mushroom sauce on the steaks. They carefully plotted for a sit down dinner where all the guests dine together; then, dinner was served; bon appetite. I guess there are no vegetarians in Harmony because just about everyone put their forks to their plates. Spared from eating where the depressed females Theresa and Eve as well as a very unhappy Sheridan who had been locked in a closet. Then the guests started keeling over.


Tables dropped, guests flopped, moans and screams and shocked voices. Esme let Sheridan out of the closet so she could alert Eve to the poison. Then Esme ran to Tabitha's house to get some real help. Too bad the massive storm approaching Harmony grounded emergency services rescue. No antidote will be served at this party. Guests began to die.


Sheridan's instinct was to save her love Luis, but he begged her to save Fancy so she went to help her, and then Fancy begged her to save Luis. Back and forth like a ping pong ball, Sheridan went. Not to much effect considering she had no antidote. Finally Vicky and Vincent pinned down the surviving women and shoved poison into their mouths; all but Theresa. She saved them the trouble.


What is wrong with Gertrude/Theresa? Is her wig too tight? Ethan is poisoned and dying, every relative she has is in that room, and she decides it's a great time to let Ethan know she's Theresa in disguise. She makes a lovely fantasy of it. But Ethan is already dead. So she picks up the steak off of the floor and starts to eat it so they can walk into heaven together. Did she learn nothing from her former suicide? She's not walking into heaven. It's back to hell for her. Instead of heaven with Ethan it's going to be eternity in hell with Gwen and Rebecca (not that Theresa doesn't have that coming.) I'm just appalled that she'd so easily orphan her children and leave them with no family. The next character to call her a good mother is going to get a lecture from me!


So in the mist of this, a dying Pilar crawls over to Theresa to stop her from killing herself, "and in a church no less" and Theresa wrestles with her for the steak. It's no secret I don't like this girl, but she's got to be the worst daughter in the history of soap operas. She can't comfort her mother during her painful last moments on earth, no; she has to fight her like a tomcat. She can't wait 2 minutes to kill herself and wrap her dying body all over Ethan. Pilar died in torment and despair. In fact, this isn't the first time Theresa's kissed and molested a dying Ethan. JER writing history repeats itself. But I think, at least I won't have to hear another whine, complaint, or lie out of Theresa's mouth. The nine years of torment are over. Dig Dong, the witch is dead.


What to do when the church floor is littered with dead bodies? Run to Tabitha's, have another drink, and beg for magic to fix everything. That soft-touch Endora (I do love that witchling) gets her mommy to go to the church to help everyone. Surprisingly, an old woman and a drunk walk right through the storm that emergency services can't travel in and arrive at the church moments too late. Everyone is dead.


So how much do you want to bet that Tabitha has to save the day and does? Juliet Mills is the biggest reason I started to watch this show and remains a large reason that I continue to this day. I've stuck it out to watch this huge talent entertain me, and entertain me she does. I cannot wait to see her resurrect the dead, and to quote Pilar, "in a church no less." Witchcraft misused no doubt. Tabitha predicts she'll lose her powers in the attempt.


This wasn't a great week for Juanita either. She's been planning a massacre of her own and now Vicky and Vincent have stolen her thunder and murdered her peeps. No wedding, no bomb, no revenge for Juanita.


Passions wraps in a few weeks and the storylines are finally moving quickly. Too bad they are the same old, same old storylines. The triangles of despair; oh, who cares anymore, not me.


Love264


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