Whether or not the writer of Passions intended it, this week of episodes was so hysterical I am still laughing. It was like watching the Three Stooges do the Perils of Pauline starring I love Lucy. Good guys, bad guys, avenging warrior heroes - everyone was in action without their brains and sometimes their coordination skills.
As we know, Theresa was in Mexico fending off the mob boss' widow. Juanita had Pilar and Theresa trapped until they escaped and fled to the wharf. There Pilar was recaptured and returned to the mansion to be tortured by Juanita in order to tell her where the rest of her family lived. Now the fun begins.
Theresa creeps up to the mansion terrace where she hears her mother's screams; vowing to save her mother and to make Juanita pay she thinks of a plan to save Pilar. At the next scream, Theresa steps forward into the light, stomps her foot, and yells "you stop that right now!" Theresa is recaptured in an instant. Trapped again she watches helplessly while Juanita continues to taser Pilar for information. Pilar's next scream distracts the guard, Theresa elbows him, he trips, she grapples with Juanita for the taser and wins. But oops: She forgot to take the guns. Never the less with everyone falling over themselves she eventually manages to get Pilar out of the house and runs to escape.
Juanita says "they wouldn't be stupid enough to go back to the wharf." Clearly she does not know Theresa. Next scene Theresa and Pilar are back at the wharf. Theresa dives into the water and swims out to retrieve a rowboat with an outboard motor. Suddenly she is surrounded by large sharks. What does one do in such a situation? Splash loudly and scream for your Mommy of course. Mommy screams back. So much for hiding on the wharf. Much cacaos later, both manage to get into the boat only to be shot by Juanita with a bazooka. The boat explodes and they land in the water with the sharks again.
One might expect that sharks would avoid Theresa out of professional courtesy; but they seem to intend to eat her just the same. There is no more loyalty among the vicious. In fact, a shark and Theresa disappear into the depths for 5 minutes or more. Luis, Miguel and Ethan have flown down to help the damsel duo and stand at the wharf's edge screaming to remnants of boat for the woman to swim to shore. Finally Ethan and Luis swim out to save the women. Ethan cries for Theresa over and over and then - bop - she pops to the surface like a cork rubber ducky. My guess is the shark got a taste of bitter woman and spit her out.
Meanwhile, Tabitha is back in Harmony and eating chocolate. Hmmm… she savors every bite. "Chocolate is the only food that is perfect for every occasion," says Tabby, as she stuffs her face full to feel better about her plight in life; a life without magic. Meanwhile Kay is in the kitchen cheating. Kay casts a spell to save Miguel from Juanita. Then without seeing it though she scurries to bed to avoid being caught, like a small child. But oh, that chocolate looked good. Kay should have taken some with her to her room. Tabitha shouldn't be trying to solve her problems with food. She should be teaching Kay and Miguel manners for houseguests 101.
The three musketeers Miguel, Luis and Ethan decided to save Pilar and fly to Mexico. On the plane, Miguel, Luis, and Ethan have fantasies about romance with the women they love. Luis forgives Fancy and they elope then honeymoon on a bed on the wharf, chilly weather and all. Ethan dreams of Theresa dining and dancing and romance and then he awakens complaining about having to fly coach. Maybe instead of dreaming of Theresa he should have stayed at home with his wealthy wife. What a cad. Before leaving he was sitting in the kitchen falling prey to Gwen's wiles and he let her kiss him for comfort. This guy likes comfort. Miguel dreams that Kay is so hot they burn down Tabitha's house but it's worth it. Sure it's worth it when it's not your house. I think Tabitha's taken enough blackmail from this guy. She should put down the chocolate and retaliate.
Back at the mansion the fun continues. Rebecca is stabbed in a fleshy part of her anatomy. She needs two cute paramedics and a glass of brandy to recover. If nothing else, this bawdy socialite cracks me up. Esme says to her teenage ward Vickie, "all the murders in this mansion! If we weren't in free-loader heaven I would get you out of here." "I don't even look up anymore when I hear the thud of a dead body hitting the floor." I guess living well always comes with a price, huh girls? I really wonder why no one suspects the teenage Vickie of the murders. Only in the Crane mansion could this deeply disturbed girl seem normal. If Esme could put down her champagne for long enough to realize Rebecca had been standing where Ethan had just been standing she'd realize Rebecca was stabbed by mistake. A simple head count would lead to the killer.
Finally, bravo to the actor (Philip Jeanmarie) who plays, Vincent for his incredible acting. We had some great scenes with Vincent's mother Eve Russell. His wide range of emotions playing a psychotic murderer makes the scenes both dramatic and funny at the same time. Vincent (a hermaphrodite who is pregnant) sat there eating pickles and ice cream and actually made it look delicious. And the best line of the week goes to Eve Russell.
Vincent: Should you be drinking Mommy? You just got out of rehab.
Eve: When Britney started drinking again they took her kids away. Maybe I could be so lucky.
Be well, at least better than Pilar is right now.