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 Two Scoops: November 20, 2006 columns
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Kristen Alderson
The ones that get away
For the Week of November 20, 2006
How twisted is it that a rape victim has a son who grows up and almost rapes her rapist's daughter?
How twisted is it that a rape victim has a son who grows up and almost rapes her rapist's daughter? That goes way beyond twisted . . . that's just downright scandalous! Whoa . . . somebody spike the water cooler over at Higley and Company? Go team!

I think I like the new Marty. She seems to have just a tad more sass than the still-sorta-victim-ish Marty who showed up in Todd's hallucinations during his stay in Daddy Lord's mausocryptoleum. Now there's A Christmas Carol for ya - old, dead Victor Lord-Molester as the ghost-dust of Christmas past, his victim Marty Smarmy Saybrooke as the ghost of Christmas present, and sweet little Starr as the ghost of Christmas future. And starring as Ebenezer Screwed, it's the ever-irrepressible Todd G. Maddening himself! And the "G" stands for "Genius". Not! 'Cuz ya broke Evangeline's heart, you big dope! [ssssssWHACK!!!]

How believable, though, was Cole's steroid-induced rampage? You all tell me. When I went to high school - or, maybe it was where I went to high school - most kids couldn't even afford the drugs they got prescribed to them by their doctors, much less stuff that would give them pump-me-up muscles as fake as Pamela Anderson's ya-yas. The only 'roids I'd ever heard of were hemorrhoids - and nobody wanted to try to get those on purpose! Do we really have teenage boys (who can be stock-raving lunatics, even on a good day) running around with juiced-up hormones just so they can get thrown around playing with balls as big as their heads? I'm hoping that this is all soap-world fiction. If it ain't, can you imagine what these kids will be like when they're running the country? Or choosing our retirement homes?

Whew! Glad I'm safe.

Little Starr, she made me cry this week. But, you know, she was very brave. And very believable. Kristen Alderson must have been training since birth for the part of Starr Manning. Wow . . . Y'know, there are a couple of other young actresses - who shall remain nameless (for now) - who could really use a few lessons from young Miss Alderson. I watched Starr's statement this week and compared to Adriana's kidnapping scenes . . . well, there's just no comparison. Okay, I'm sorry. I did name one. However, if I were a kid who wanted to be an actor, I'd watch Kristen's scenes for pointers. Remember her scenes with Todd on the eve of his execution? As mischievous as that kid has been, I still can't stand to see her heart broken. Fine young actress, that Kristen is. I hope to see some Emmys headed her way.

I'm wondering, now, whether Cole and Marty's arrivals mean that we are in for another visit from Professor Heartthrob . . . er, Thornhart. Something about those Celtic accents, mmhmm, better even than the cowboy thang. Do Irish men wear kilts, too? Yes, I do believe they do. Alas, though, Patrick is thought to be dead. But we know all about death on this show, right? OLTL characters don't die without resurrecting. No, Dorothy, this ain't Kansas; this is Llanview, where they come back, haunt you, hunt you, and then get resurrected and killed all over again. So hey, maybe a once-thought-killed, kilted Irishman isn't too far off the radar, after all.

Speaking of men on the radar, I'm really rather sad that David Vickers is saying his goodbyes. The way the dialogue flowed this week, it looks like he may, indeed, be the long, lost Buch Boy. Not that a Stetson and a pair of snakeskins will make him sexy or anything - can't see him being serious enough to actually have sex with, but then my name isn't Dorian, either. But just watching Tuc Watson playing a character who's a bad, yet hilarious, actor is enough of a reason for me to want him to stay, and for me to want to call him a Buchanan. He'd drive Asa nuts!

Poor David doesn't know what he wants to do with himself - a surfer who can't swim? - but I loved watching him and Clint talk about Dorian. First of all, Clint getting Dorian-advice from David was just funny and wrong on so many levels. And David's reaction to having an actual conversation with a Buchanan was really believable. Tuc, as usual, was on the mark with both comic and serious sides. Why are TPTB letting all the good ones go? Maybe they are spiking the water cooler down at the ABC Soapland Plant.

It was quite sweet to hear Asa's gravelly voice this week. No matter how long he lives in Llanview, he'll always be a Texan. Hey, you can take the boy outta Texas, but you'll never get the Texas outta the boy. Not if you're lucky, anyway. I did miss Matthew this week, although it was great to see Nora crutchless and slur-free! Hooray! Too bad that it looks like Hillary B. Smith is yet another good one that HigVal is going to let get away. And we get to watch what instead - Adriana making underwear? Look who we've got our Crames on now? It's not underwear, it's Adrianawear, the underwear that's fun to wear? She acts like she's barely out of training bras herself! Who's she gonna design underwear for? I would trade five gazillion Adriana underwear conversations for just one more year of Hilary, Dan, Tuc, Heather, Timothy, and Catherine - or any one or combination thereof.

There is one character I can never get enough, though, and that is Evangeline. Ah! Didn't I want to be the one to comfort her when Todd told her the truth about his bet against Cris? Not that Cris' loss was any great loss to the boxing world anyway, but Vangie (thinks that she) loves Cris. Heh. Whatev.

See, I think that if Todd really wanted Vange, he would have told her about Vince's plans when he found out. I don't think Todd really wants her. I think that he's beginning to think that he does - but hey, with his ex-wife and Vange's boyfriend trying to convince him that he does want her, it probably isn't too much of a stretch for Todd to convince himself that he does want Evangeline. I think Cris was right in saying that Todd likes Vange because he sees in her what Blair will never be. (Cris said something intelligent. Who knew he was still intelligent? Shocked the sheets outta me!) But I don't think that necessarily means that Todd's in love with Vange. At least, I hope not. I'm not looking real forward to "Tange" or "Todgeline" or "VanTodd". Let's just not and say we did. Gotta admit, though, that it was too, too sweet when Vange wished that John were there in the courtroom with her. I didn't see Cris there and she sure da heck wasn't wishing for him or Todd. I know, I know, she was only wishing for John because she thought that he deserved to be there to watch her bury Spewster - who, by the way, should be locked up. Not for murder. Not for perjury. For stupidity.

Okay, I've got a few questions.

(a) Why does an accused murderer have his checkbook with him in court?

(b) Why didn't David save that check to show to Evangeline or the judge that Spewie tried to bribe him?

And most importantly, (c) why in the world would Spencer write a check to bribe his brother standing right there in the courtroom? Does he wake up that stupid, or does he have to practice it often? DUDE, if you're gonna bribe someone, don't create a paper trail and DON'T do it in open court. DUH! What are they teaching them in med school?

Gotta say that it was nice not watching the BlairWantTodd Project all week long. Once she's completely over her hangover, she needs to go hang over the Banner classifieds and get a place of her own. Ya know why Starr was scared to say that Cole mistreated and nearly walked all over her? Because everyday she gets to watch Daddy be a jerk to Mommy while Mommy just seems to love it. Yea, there were other reasons, but Mommy was her first teacher and we all know what a fine, fine teacher Mommy's been over the last year or so. Right? Not.

I love that Bobble-Gone-Batty thing that Natalie has going on. Melissa Archer can't cry worth a flip, but she sure can go mental with the best of them. I guess since Jessica got the Sybil gene, they had to give Nat the spin-the-bobble gene. And have you noticed that Vince displays a lot more emotional complexity with Nat than he did with Layla? That really is a tough one, although I think that Layla has moved on. Literally. Haven't seen her much. Hope they're not letting her go, too.

And what of HuJo lying there in the hospital room? I've seen pictures of burn victims, and even after many skin grafts and surgeries, . . . well, the face still kinda takes some getting used to - no matter how much money you, your fake folks, your real folks, and/or your almost-fiancée have. Combined. Is Michael Easton really going for the literally-just-fired look? (Ok, I know - bad EJ! Bad, bad EJ!) But is he? Shame to do that to such a pretty face, but he's Irish too. Put'im in a kilt and watch me drool!

Men in kilts, chicks with whip-me eyelashes, and angry redheads . . . whew! I wonder how in the world I survive it all long enough to write about it. But write about it, I shall, and I look forward to seeing you all in a coupla weeks!

'Til then, stay pretty!

Peace out,

EYJ


Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.



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