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 Two Scoops: September 25, 2006 columns
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David Fumero
And the winner is...
by EY Jackson For the Week of September 25, 2006
Layla displayed some boxing knowledge this past week. It'd be really cool to have her as Cris's manager after he ditches Vince.
Well . . . not Cris. He's not a loser. He's got potential. Believe it or not, I actually rooted for him, even though the Magic Dust made his championship aspirations disappear like a Summer's breeze. Poor guy . . . But isn't Vincent just the hottest little scoundrel? Not so little, of course, but I like him and I'm interested to see how his connection to Hugh plays out. But we'll get to Hugh in a moment. Back to the Vincent swoonfest . . .

First off, I'm not exactly the swooning type. But he's so smoooooth the way he kinda glides across the screen. Not in a greasy slide-home-on-his-hair way. More in a just-say-my-name-twenty-three-times way. Ya know, he could call me just to read me the weather report and I swear, the joygasm would be of Olympic proportions. That said, y'know, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, which isn't very far. Even on a short leash, somebody that smooth should come with a two-inch thick instruction manual and a how-to guide on how to avoid giving him even a small bit of the benefit of the doubt in any situation. And he was Hugh's roommate? I can just imagine what that dorm room was like . . . or maybe I really don't want to. Cutie Hugh and Vincent van Hunkable . . . wow! Invite me to that party!

I thoroughly enjoyed People-of-Color Week in Llanview last week. Oh wait, that's why they did it. It's Hispanic Heritage Month! Well, duh! I shoulda knowed it was somebody's birthday or holiday or somethin'! How quaint . . . putting a lot of Cris, a little Antonio, and all of their friends and relations front and center for the whole Month. The Powers That Be must be really proud of themselves. I'm proud of them. Really. Can't wait til February.

That said, the fight was pretty good, I have to say. It was well staged and very well choreographed. And I loved Layla's display of boxing knowledge. If we have to pursue the Cris-as-boxer storyline, I think it'd be really cool to have that brought out a little more and maybe have her as Cris' manager after he ditches Vince. Well, if he ditches Vince. Vince is redeemable, after all. Not like a certain blondboy who shall remain nameless, for now. If Cris doesn't ditch Vince, Layla would be a great co-manager since Vince has lots of trouble being dishonest around her. I would, too; one bat of her eyelashes and I'd buy my own stack of Bibles just in case she wanted me to promise or swear or . . . whatever. Watching her whip Vince like Vange shoulda whupped John - now that would be some must-see ABC.

Now, speaking of John, I think Mr. McBain is definitely whuppable, but I'm positive that Natalie is not the one to do it. John marrying Nat is like Vange hooking up with Cris: tough to watch and not real fun to try to get used to - although the scenes with John and Nat's kids was pretty sweet. Playin' pool with the folks - quality time at its best! Baby Tommy had no business at Rodi's a few months ago because there is just no constructive reason to bring a kid that young into a place where all s/he can do is listen to music that is readily available at home. But a ten-year-old . . . well, it is my belief that playing pool is a valuable skill to learn. That kid might grow up to be a designated driver - in which case, a hobby would definitely come in handy.

I hate to think that John's dead because I really do like Michael Easton as an actor and I like the way he plays John. I don't always like John very much, but unlike Frons/Higley/Valenti, I don't rely on whether I like a character all the time - or even at any given time - to decide whether I think a character should stay or leave. If it were an actor thing - if the actor didn't feel right for the role or if a true audience poll said "kill-it-before-it-spawns" - then I would probably just have the character go on some sort of vacation and recast the role. Killing a character off, in my humble opinion, should be a last resort because even a character who is generally disliked - like Carlo Hesser, for instance - is definitely a significant part of any soap worth its salt. Such characters add depth to the soap's overall concept and they can provide much-needed context for character relationships, rivalries, and reference points. I don't think Renee would have been nearly as interesting, if not for Carlo and Asa, and I don't think anybody can deny that Dorian has sustained just about everybody from Viki to Kelly to Adriana. (Wouldn't it be awesome if Starr moved in with Dorian for awhile? Can you imagine . . . ?) Unfortunately, TPTB don't employ me to make such decisions. Ah well . . .

Let's see, what else did I love this week?

Oh yes, I loved Claudia putting the screws to Nash this week. He deserved it for all the times he teased Claudia and then left her hangin'. Like that night at his vineyard, when he partially undressed in front of her and then went to bed half-naked - knowing that she was still really into him and still pretty freshly out of rehab. In my day, she would've been called a nympho. I believe the correct medical (thus, politically correct) term is sex addict. Whatev. She wanted it. With him. Everysinglemoment. And she does with Antonio. Want it, that is. And she probably would with anybody who paid her any amount of attention. She is so ripe for exploitation that some days, I actually feel sorry for the poor girl. No wonder she can't sing. Her desperation is almost palpable. And Nash just played her, every chance he got. Kerry Butler plays a good emotionally/physically addictive personality, I'll give her that. And it was good to see her issue a challenge to him, a challenge that he had no hope of winning. For once.

I'm tired. Of Spencer and Blair and Spencer and Todd and Spencer and David . . . are we seeing a trend here? Everything I want to know about this storyline could be summed up by answering three questions [Pay Attention, TPTB!!]:

1. Has Mummy told Jack that Dr. Spencer is in jail for killin' a cop, stealin' a baby, and framing Jack's Daddy and Spencer's own brother, David?
2. Is Spencer or is Spencer not going to fry?
3. What in the name of the Goddess of Soaps is Spencer holding over Asa's head and will we get to see Asa quash Spewster like the bug he is now that Phil Carey's back in action?
By the way:

((((((WELCOME BACK, MR. CAREY!!!! GOOD TO KNOW THAT YOUR ASA'S BACK IN THE SADDLE!!!))))))

I don't think that Spewster's redeemable by anyone's measure; however, it might prove interesting to watch the Bad Daddy/Good Sonny interplay between him and Hugh. I've actually been feeling physically nauseated for poor Hugh, ever since he found out that he's Spewster's kid. Call it Sympathy Ew. Nastynastynasty Ew. And why Hugh? I like Hugh. Why not Rex? I don't dislike Rex, but I think Rex would've made a more logical choice. Let's do the math:
If Paige had her kid after she'd already been a surgeon, that would've made her at least 28. Hugh is at least 30. So does that make Paige about . . . 58? Paige is pushin' 60? I somehow don't see her being around the same age as Viki, and I sure don't see Bo in his 60s, either. Doesn't make sense. But, subtract about ten years, and say Paige's kid is about twenty. That amount of time means that her kid would be dating someone of college age, and that amount of time would give her time to have married and divorced Spencer, put her kid up for adoption, and start a new life someplace. Plus, that would make her abot 48, which looks like a more correct age for her.

And where the heck did Hugh get all that rich, thick, run-my-fingers-through-it hair? Both Page and Spewie are fair-haired, and probably both are naturally so. Spewie's too vain to dye and Paige . . . well, let's just assume that she loves nature too much to do something as eco-unfriendly as peroxiding or bleaching. And I don't think that dark pigment is a recessive gene. So, it doesn't make sense that two fairheads would produce locks like Hugh's. And if Spewie's not the father, and it turns out that Hugh's a long lost Buchanan Boy, his hair still wouldn't be that dark.

Rex, on the other hand, has the fair hair and ornery spirit of a Buchanan child. Doesn't matter who's the daddy, they all have that Asa gene. Having that Asa gene, with Roxy as the only parent he knows, this would explain a lot about Rex. But it would do as much explaining about Hugh as having dark hair with Paige and Spewie as parents does for him: none at all.

Sorry, TPTB. I can't really be sold on Hugh as the product of Paige and Spencer, Paige and a Buchanan, . . . or really, Paige and anybody. She's got a stupid streak a mile wide - the proof of which is her dead-airheaded decision to tell Hugh about Spencer, just as Hugh is just about to prosecute Spewie on multiple murder charges!!! It's not a question of what-was-she-thinking; she wasn't thinking at all!!! You couldn't even pay me to give this little family reunion a nod! This storyline doesn't fly, People!
Amazing what a little math and a little reading up on genetics will teach you, ain't it, Fellow Writers?

So, where will TPTB take us from here? Will we be treated to more Roxy hoo-hoo-hooing from her arena-side seat? Less Rexiana playing house? More Tessica/Nash and less Jessica/Tonio? More Layla? Less Crange?
Ahhh . . . there is one good thing about Cris losing the fight: He can't promise Vange forever 'til he wins one! (HOORAY!) There's still a chance she'll get as bored with him as I am. Oh, to see her with Hank . . . nice opportunity for Nora to re-emerge. Hmm . . .

Well, time to go! 'Til next time, Kiddies, stay cool, stay sane, and stay tuned.

Peace out!
EYJ


Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.



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