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 Two Scoops: August 28, 2006 columns
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Dan Gauthier
I've tried to avoid this...
For the Week of August 28, 2006
But I can't.

I tried watching and re-watching, winding and rewinding. I read and re-read and still . . . All I came away with was that sometimes, inequalities are a good thing.

For instance:
Rex does not equal Stalker
Stalker does not equal Rex's employee
Rex's employee does not equal Stalker

But I've gotta tell ya, the inequality that is the Cristian and Evangeline thing . . . that inequality just bites. Really bites. I mean, the guy couldn't even shut up for five minutes while she tried to tell him what she was feeling before they hopped into bed together. It was like watching some gawky teenager trying to get it on with a woman way out of his league. Are Renee and David even comfortable together in real life?? I've seen a lot of couples with on-screen copulation chemistry, and y'know what? They ain't it. Watching them, I saw my teenage forays into make-out sessions flash before my eyes. Unfortunately, it's a bit like car crash syndrome: It's reallyreallyreally bad but it's just too difficult to keep your self from rubbernecking it anyway. UG!

Ohohoh, and what was that "I can't do forever til I win a prize fight" crap? Dude, those are not the words you say to a woman like Evangeline! Did anyone else have Johnny Crap flashbacks during the CrisVange afterglow? I mean, come on, writers! What is this - the mess-with-Vange's-head show or what? I mean Cris, come on, man. She'd just told you what it meant to her to be in love with you so much that she's finally ready to give her self to you, and you . . . what? Pull some juvenile Rocky wannabe crap on her like that? Vange, girl, you know you deserve better. You need to go back and have another conversation with your mother before you go any further. You need another good shakin' up, m'dear.

And oh, was it not just the sweetest thing to see classic Todd and Starr at work again? I so love the way that she can fool Blair for a thousand years, but Daddy-Oh Todd catches on quick - though he was a bit slow on the uptake here. But then, that's just a credit to Starr's growing up to be a much stronger manipulator. YOU GO GIRL!!! And then, after he catches on to her, he works with her! Now THAT'S a GREAT DAD for ya! I've said it before and I'll say it again: Their relationship reminds me so much of my own relationship with my dad, who passed away in '88. I reach for the tissues every time this daddy/babygirl dynamic duo works in cahoots together!

Loved it when Nora finally started talking more like the brilliant attorney she is and less like someone you wanna stick a straw in and suck the dialogue out of. TPTB need to be kicked in their collective knuts and knockers for wasting the brilliance of Hillary B. Smith on slackjaw slapschtick. From what I understand, she has less than half a year left on her contract. In my opinion, they need to extend her character's presence at least that much to make up for their lackluster treatment of such a fine, fine example of talent and temerity. Loved it when Todd finally got Blair to 'fess up to her doings with Doctor Delusional. Let's face it: Todd could have - and does get - from Blair with one look what Spencer couldn't get if he gave her a complete lobotomy and programmed her himself. Spence just ain't got it like that. And whatever he's got, I hope they kill it before it spews forth his spawn all over Llanview. The good news is that Spewster isn't a baby-making fertility doc that somebody'd have to bury alive in order to get rid of. Although if we could borrow a few Pine Valley younguns, that might not be a bad idea. I just hope that when they find Paige's kid (Thanks, Terri, for that reminder!!) that ick-boy Spewster is decidedly not the kid's father. (By the way, five'll get you ten that Rex is Paige's kid.) Whoever he is, that kid'll have enough to deal with, what with his mom being a recovering alcoholic who let a hero cop flatline on her table and all. But he'll go find Starr's cliff and take a flyin' leap if he has to live with a daddy like Spewster Lyinman.

Hated it when I learned this week that Kevin Eleven is being cut from the soap. [Click here for more] No, Kevin has not been greatly likable lately, but at least he's been interesting! I'd much rather have a character that I love to hate than have one that I'm ambivalent about. (Although I have to admit that I'd take twelve Kevins over even one half an Adriana, but I digress . . . ) With the way they've been writing Kevin lately, he had potential. His behavior could get better; his behavior could get worse. He could step up and apologize, or he could sue Kelly for custody so his dad would quit screwin' his ex-fiance's aunt. Heaven or hell, he is any writer's dream character. Depth, heart, soul . . . Dan Gauthier played a great Kevin, so let's all give TPTB another one of those kicks I spoke about - only this time, maybe in their collective head 'cause obviously it's like that old Elvis jukebox: It needs one good kick in the right and most painful place before it works right.

Hated it when the final confirmation of Dorian's involvement with Adriana's stalker came to light. Yes, yes, I knew it all along. And I don't hate it that Adriana got stalked and ultimately kidnapped. (Save the hatemail for a character that's worth it, okay? After all . . . ) Now that she's had a crisis and been away from Rex, she's showing a bit of character and a bit of strength. The hunger strike is a bit cliche, but she's almost past sounding like Minnie Mouse on Ritalin. (Note to OLTL writers: If Adriana's gonna make demands, she needs to put a little backbone in her voice.) But I can't stand it that Dorian's the one behind it all - and that she'd do something so stupid as to hire someone she doesn't even know to do the job for her. That's not the Dorian we all know and love. I'm not gonna say that she'd be above having one of her girls stalked in order to render a relationship to shreds. She would. But she would not hire just any stranger off the street to do it. If TPTB are setting us up for more Bruce, there will be aych-ee-double-hockey-stick to pay. In my fondest of dreams, Bruce and ClawDia will go off in somebody's sunset together. Anybody's but mine, that is. And for Pete's sake, gag her on the way out! In the words of my best friend, Aimee, "about three inches of duct tape ought to do it".

Well, we got a nice little break from Tessica's turmoil and we got to see less of Antonio's asininity! Praise your favorite deity if such exists for you! If it doesn't, well . . . you know what to do, but I'm really glad I've got somethin' to praise for this little favor. I've gotta say, though, that if Tonio is so delusional that he thinks that his going back to being a cop will help Tessica's recovery, I'll enjoy a wonderfully fulfilling laugh when the integration allows her to tell him what she really thinks of him for putting her in the position of being afraid everytime he walks out the door while she's in the middle of trying to integrate and care for a newborn baby. If you hear a hearty ha-ha-ha ten years from now when they finally finish her integration, that'll be me, falling off my chair and rolling on the floor laughing my asininity off.

Before I sign off, I want to introduce you all to the newest member of our family, Callie. Our new baby is a sweet little eleven-week old Labrador-Chow mix. We're in the process of adopting her from a high-kill shelter in North Carolina. When we first saw her sweet little face, there was just no saying no. Of course, if we could, we'd just bring them all home - so of course, we're overcompensating by spoiling her absolutely rotten, complete with lots of toys and her own little puppy shower next month. And of course, we as her parents are walking around with that "hurt her and die" look when we see strangers passing by. Say hello, Darlin! She says, "Woof!"LOL

BIG HELLOS to Alina, Angie, Avery, Candy, Dede, Lee, KSB, Lorraine, Martha, Nicole, and Norfortiria!! These wonderful people have written to me with their thoughts and comments - even when they didn't agree with me - after almost every column since I started. I so enjoy corresponding with each of you, and with everyone else who has taken the time to let me know what's on your minds. Thank you!!!

Well, that's it for this week. I'm sorry for being late in getting this week's column out. The new baby has gotten a lot of attention, so I'll have to take her off my lap more often! LOL Have an AWESOME week, everyone!!!

Peace,
EYJ

This just in . . .

The Boobs That Be have just lost another key player! First they totally screw Nora, then they axe Kevin Eleven, and now they're just letting Kelly saunter off into the sunset too! And they're keeping Slamtonio, ClawDia, and The Brute???? What is wrong with these people?!

As Hillary B. Smith is quoted on the soapcentral.com OLTL Front Page, "Kevin is a Buchanan and a Lord and Kelly is a Buchanan and a Kramer. They are both exceptional actors and wonderful people." And they both share a rich and complex history in Llanview. It's a shame that these two powerhouses are going off into the sunset while we get stuck with re-re-recycled stalker-kidnapper storylines and storyboards that don't include fan favorites like R.J. and Lindsay.

If ever there was a time to let what's-her-face producer-chick go, along with any of the writers that are putting out this crap, it's now. It's time to end the madness. My letter to ABC is going out this week!

EY Jackson


Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.



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