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 Two Scoops: July 31, 2006 columns
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Phil Carey
The wheels on the bus
For the Week of July 31, 2006
Spencer loves Blair who loves Todd who's falling for Evangeline who thinks she's falling for Cris.
So . . . Spencer loves Blair who loves Todd who's falling for Evangeline who thinks she's falling for Cris (but she's literally too blind to see the ick factor but I digress because, you see, Cris loves . . . ) Evangeline who would actually be really great with Todd who probably still has feelings for Blair who's pimpin' her ride out to Doctor Spewster Treeman who's so narcissistic that he's blind as a Vange to the fact that his only one true love is . . . [cue drumroll] his own self.


On the other side of Llanview, Nash loves Tessica who loves Antonio who would be really great with Layla who has awesome chemistry with Vincent who has awesome chemistry with everyone cuz he's a walking pheromone whose unbelievably animalistic magnetics would probably work well even with Claudia but we won't go there because Clodia isn't even a walking anything except maybe a walking Claw, even on a good Dia, making her El Claw de Dia in Llanview.


These are the things that make me laugh at the end of the week, especially when the week has included scenes of El Claw trying to vamp up sexy for Antonio. Does anyone else do an audible ew-ew-ew when she turns on the daddy-please-make-it-better routine with every guy she meets? She's got that ehhhhhh factor - you know, that one sound that you can only make when the doctor shoves that oversized Popsicle stick so close to that gaping hole at the back of your throat that ehhhhhh is the only thing you can say to warn him of the impending flush of projectile puke he's gonna taste if he doesn't back slowly away before you stick that stick someplace he might find a bit discomforting. That factor, my friends, is the ClawDia factor. At least for me, but who am I to judge?


(I have this friend who sang this song with the line, "Get thee to a nunnery" - but honestly, I think that even St. Ann's would have to just say no to a Claw like that.)


I really can't remember a time in recent history that I've spent so much time laughing hysterically at our favorite soap here. From Nora's slack-jawed "mm lller" ("my letter") scene with R.J. - who's really ickin' me out with his chair-side manner, by the way - to David's "shootin' blanks" theory of why he's not guilty, it's been an uproariously funny week in ye ole hamlet of the Llan view. Ok, I realize that we're all supposed to do this awwww moment everytime Nora utters a coupla Ms and a few Ls, but everytime I see her, I just wish they'd stick a straw in the corner of her mouth and suck the words out of her. Just makes me wonder whether bringing Nora back is gonna include some Emmy-worthy footage or if TPTB are just teasing us until they ship her off to some Mexican rehab center - or Roselawn - where we'll only get to see the back of her head at ChristmaHanuKwanza.k.a and on whatever date they pick each year to say it's her birthday. But then, who knows? Maybe we'll be treated to a Super Nora revival where all of her most awesome scenes will be played out in one huge, weeklong Sayonara Nora celebrity send-off.


I do owe The Powers That Be an apology, though. I didn't know that Phil Carey was battling the Big C, and that that is the reason he's been so absent lately. Hey, Phil, if you're reading this: Please know that we wish you one helluva bushel of blessings, prayers, happy thoughts, warmth, love, and peace while you kick the Big C where the sun don't shine! I gotta pair of crap-kickin' boots in my closet; call me if you need'em!


Speakin' of ol'Asa, I really do miss him onscreen. I'd love to see some tender moments between him and Renee. Their relationship has always been fierce. Not fierce as in don't-get-between-tiger-and-food; fierce as in I've-got-your-number-Buddy-Boy! No matter how puffy and stuffy Asa gets, Renee is the one I love to see yankin' him back on track. I'd also like to see Renee hanging out with Matthew more and Paige less.


By-the-by and speaking of pageless, I got so many emails from Vange/Cris and Rex/Adriana fans that a few weeks ago, I promised to take another look at these two pairs to see if maybe I missed the indicative moments that told people why-these-two-should-be-together. Well, . . . no, I kinda didn't. Miss anything, I mean. I even reviewed footage. Not a thing, not a thing. Nope. Sorry.


I was, however, pretty interestingly surprised by elements of these four, this week.


Vange and Cris. Todd hit it right on the head when he called Cris to task for telling Evangeline he loved her one minute and then lying to her face the next. A bit immature and insecure, are we? Not that Vange could see it, mind you. But (duh!) she's blind, you ninny, not deaf! Didja not think that she'd miss hearing the slap of two hands clasping during a shaking-of-hands? Or the vibrating grunts that occur when two guys are grudgingly complying with The Lady's request to shake hands and call it pax? Because she's the blind one recovering from two major surgeries! Remember?! Sorry Cris; you're a bit too slow on the uptake. Go back to Bobble . . .er . . . I mean, Natalie. Todd didn't need a crystal ball to see where this is headed - and neither do I. Todd's the man. Well, one of'em, anyway.


I still think Hugh could be the man, too - but I'm really liking this thing he's got goin' on with Kelly. He treats her like she's a strong woman in a tough spot - not like the Buchanan Boys, who treat her like the whiny, wimpy wisp she seems to always turn into when they're around. Trust me, Kel. They ain't that cute. Well, Kevin is, but then we're back to the Shootin' Blanks theory that David graced us with, and we don't wanna go there again. (Do we? )


Rex and Adriana. So Rex is behind the stalker, not Dorian?? Where in Creation did that come from? Not that I'd put it past Rex to do such a devious little devilment, but in his pre-Adriana moments, wasn't he uttering something about "being changed" and "wanting to do good things for people"? Maybe I was watchin' a different Rex, but I just know that he is so not setting poor, pretty little Adriana up for a chasmatic fall. Let me hear ya say, "ow-ouch! (ow-ouch!) ouch! ouch! (ouch! Ouch!)" Wouldn't that be such a welcome breath of Rex Air, though? I thought surely it was Dorian's mysterious new assistant and all the top-secret things that even soap fans don't know she has him doing. But well . . . maybe not. Maybe it's Rex. This might be a fun, fun Summer, after all.


LOVE/HATE

This week, I loved Todd bustin' Cris on his lie to Evangeline; loved Nash convincing everyone that even though he's an admitted Tessicanapper, he'd never, ever do anything to hurt her or their kid; and loved David's "shooting blanks" mantra - hey, whatever gets you through, dude. LOL


Oh, and I LOVED - DOUBLE FUDGE LOVED - Mary J. Blige! Were your hands in the air? Mine were! And I was the only one in the house! It never matters what song she's singin', how fast or how slow, MJB's music always has just that right little amount of sassss to let ya know exactly who's in charge. They can call her back anytime!


This week I hated the sight (and thought) of Clint all hot-and-bothered-up for Dorian (ewwwww); hated Claw de Dia's vamping attempts; and hated that Nash had to let his kid go . . . again.


Oh, and I reallyreallyreallyreally hated John dropping Natalie like he was wearing a pair of greasy gloves. He's just getting so sickening to me. I love Michael Easton's work and I thought he was hot at Caleb back at Port Charles. But John just seems to be spiraling downward and Nat's just kinda dangling along with her one-course certificate in forensics that allows her to use all the expensive stuff at Llanview PD without any sort of oversight whatsoever. Next thing ya know, the Llanview courts will start admitting evidence that was tested by their very own little red-headed Doogie Howser. I guess as long as they keep her away from the always-suspect paternity tests (they're suspect in every soap), we'll all be able to sleep at night.


And who the heck is looking for Todd's other kid?????


Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball . . .


Well, that's it for this week. Thanks for reading, Loves!


Toodles!
EY


Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.



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