Readers, I offer you a confession today…
As floods recede in Texas, a massive hurricane roars toward Florida, wild fires eat up the west, and earthquakes rattle Mexico, it's honestly hard for me to focus on GH, or writing about GH, or caring about GH.
There are people I love in Texas, whose past week has been sheer hell. I have a family member in Florida that I am worried about who cannot evacuate because she is a nurse and is staying to care for people (HERO), I have a friend in Portland whose house is covered in ash as the woods burn down around her… So, whether or not Roxy the bearded dragon is hiding behind Finn's sofa is so uninteresting to me.
I'll try to write and say something interesting and entertaining, but if it's not and this column sucks, you'll know why.
First, everything I predicted last column was wrong. I've lost my soap diva mojo. No plane crash, no typical sweeps month plots, no major cliffhangers. Will pseudo priest Griffin kiss half of Ava's face? Will Nelle get blamed for stealing a necklace that was found three minutes later? Will Sonny stay in the mob? (Of course.) These are the stories the writers are telling. Jason getting shot was big, but since we know that Steve Burton is back, and we are just sitting around waiting for September 19, it's less engaging to see Billy Miller's Jason shot, since we are not even sure if he is Jason, after all.
I'm not dissing the actors working these storylines. I am just not riveted by the stories they have been given to tell.
Frankly, I think my plane crash story would have been more compelling, but alas, I'm not a staff writer for GH. The "sweeps" stories aren't really sweeping me. In fact, I'm slightly bored.
But there were exemplary scenes this week -- for instance, Ava forcing Griffin to examine his behavior and acknowledge that he was either leading her on or oblivious to the way his actions impact people. Maura West is doing some magnificent work, and I hope she is recognized for it with a big fat Emmy. Matt Cohen is holding his own, and you can see him wrestling with the contradictions in his soul.
The reunion of Nina and Valentin left me breathless. I'm delighted at least one supercouple is back together. I was glad to see Jean Passanante admitted she probably should not have had Julian try to kill Alexis. (You think?) Nina and Valentin still face challenges, and Charlotte's custody hangs in the balance. I realize Lulu has legitimate reasons to hate Valentin, but I still want him in Charlotte's life because it's just too sweet when he talks to her in French, and I need that sort of giddy joy in my life when hurricanes are blowing down my country. See, I could only put it on hold for one paragraph.
I'm a sucker for love. My BBFF Tim is getting married today, and I wish soaps told stories like his. He was married for nearly 30 years, his first wife died after a long battle with cancer where he was a faithful caregiver to her, and now, several years later, he has found love again. Isn't that miraculous and wonderful? I'd love to see a moving story like that play out on GH.
Instead, we have more General Mobspital, wherein Sonny tried to leave the mob, which devolved into a shootout, which led to him declaring he can never leave the mob. Shocker! (Sarcasm.) The only new twist is, instead of Carly imploring him to leave the mob, she is now embracing the mob and saying she wants in. Just what the mob needs, another person who can't control her temper with a gun.
So, let me try my hand at soap predictions again… Carly starts packing a pistol as she embraces mob life. She overhears a conversation and decides Nelle is going to murder Michael, since Bobbie planted the seed that Nelle may have murdered her last boyfriend. Carly gets riled up, shoots Nelle, but whoops, it all turns out to be a big misunderstanding. Michael doesn't speak to Carly for six months until Josslyn becomes deathly ill, and the family has to pull together to support her.
I'll probably be wrong again, but I'm willing to risk failure on the off chance I might be right.
How long will Carly be all gung-ho for the mob? I predict it will last right up until one of her kids gets caught in the crosshairs. Then she will be filled with deep remorse and leave Sonny for the 17th time but will soon thereafter sleep with him in a limo someday on their way to divorce court.
Across town, Curtis and Jordan have decided to reunite, and coincidentally, at the same time, Aunt Stella decided to stay in Port Charles, which means she will make it her mission to break them up again. I seriously despise this plot line. If my aunt came to town and tried to break up my relationship, we would no longer be on good terms, and I'd send her packing. I understand thinking that someone you love is involved with a person who isn't good for them. But it's not like Jordan is a criminal or an abusive partner who punches Curtis in the face. Aunt Stella just thinks Jordan is a liar. Well, so what. We all lie. Spouses. Family members. Politicians…
Jordan being a liar isn't the end of the world. Curtis had issues, and Jordan had issues, and they know each other's issues and have decided to move forward and be together. Aunt Stella should join a yoga class or a knitting circle or a book club or something.
In another twisted love connection, Kristina is still crushing on Parker, and Valerie is posing as her pretend girlfriend to make Parker jealous. Will this backfire, and will Valerie actually fall for Kristina? I've heard people say, "Valerie isn't gay. She's been with men before, too." But so had Kristina. If you recall, she had an abusive boyfriend named Kiefer who beat her within an inch of her life, then she had a mad crush on Ethan, and then she dated coffee boy for a while. (He was here and gone so fast I've forgotten his name.) So I'm just saying it is in the realm of possibility.
Readers, I know I already touched on this, but my storm-distracted brain wants to go back… What was that whole plot about the photo shoot and the lost necklace? Was that it? Is it over? Did someone maybe swap out the real necklace for fake jewels that will be determined at a later date? Did Nelle think about stealing them and then put it back? Was Valentin up to something shady? Was there more to this story that I missed? I have concluded that this whole storyline existed just so Nina and Valentin could have Casbah sex.
Another curious storyline is the case of Franco and his imaginary friend, which may or may not be the very real Jason. The blond kid in the photo looks like baby Billy Miller, which wouldn't make sense if Billy is Jason because Jason hadn't had plastic surgery to alter his appearance yet when he was five. The kid, if Jason, should look like mini-me Steve Burton…
Unless Billy Miller's Jason is really Franco's twin brother, and Heather is the mastermind behind some evil Jason-swapping scheme. But here's the thing: Heather is too cuckoo to pull off some elaborate scheme. This is more a Helena-level caper, so maybe Heather sold her kid to Helena. It's too convoluted for me to figure out.
My husband, who pretends he doesn't watch GH, just came running out and said "Don't forget to mention that line when Scarface (he still calls Roger Howarth "Scarface" from his One Life to Live days, which supposedly he also did not watch) said, "Oh, are there three of them?" when Liz asked if all three kids got on the school bus. That really was hilarious because we rarely see any of her kids but Jake. Cam only comes out of the attic when his archrival, Spencer, is in town, and I honestly don't even remember what Aiden looks like. If I saw him in Ralph's, picking out popsicles, I wouldn't even know to ask for his autograph.
Next up, Ava and Griffin. I have to circle back round to this, too. Readers, do you think Griffin will cave in to temptation and ditch God for Ava's hot bod if she gets the other half of her burned and scarred face fixed? And if he does, should she even want him? I think about beauty a lot these days because I am post-50 now and have realized that a lot of nice things that used to happen to me frequently never happen to me anymore. Men don't open doors for me, or randomly buy me coffee, or hang around my desk and visit with me the way they did when I was young and lovely. I always thought they just found me funny and charming, but now I realize nah, they just thought I was cute.
Will Ava be okay with that? If Griffin isn't interested in her when half of her face is burned, is he worth the trouble after plastic surgery fixes her back to good as new? I think not. But Griffin is fickle, anyway; he's half in love with the ladies and half in love with God, and he can't decide which path will bring him the peace he desires. Not that I am criticizing him because I share that struggle myself. Not that I am a priest who took a vow, but I am a sinner who keeps aiming to be a saint. Sometimes I succeed, but most times I fail.
Lulu saw Ava's deal with Valentin, but she doesn't know what they were discussing. When she finds out Ava changed her testimony about Valentin killing Nikolas to become beautiful again, I don't think she is going to be very happy about it. In fact, I expect a full on meltdown.
Lulu's BFF Maxie is back and desperately trying to get her old job at Crimson back. Nina is justified to be hesitant about giving her what she wants, but I suspect Maxie will eventually get a second chance. My last prediction for the week is that Maxie will leverage what she knows about Ask Man Landers for a big scoop to get her job back, and Amy and Nathan will have to come out of the shadows and tell their story. There is still the slight possibility that Steve Burton might be Amy's brother Chet… I doubt it, but it's possible.
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will there even be a tomorrow? Will Hurricane Irma blow away the entire East Coast? Will the people in Houston still walking around in water up to their armpits care that GH is on? Will North Korea aim another H-bomb at us and preempt all the soaps? Will there be so many stories of real life heroes filling the airwaves that pretend heroes on TV won't catch our interest? Will Roxy hide behind the dresser this time instead of the sofa?
Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.
What are your thoughts on General Hospital? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- and there are many ways you can share your thoughts.