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Get me to the church on time
For the Week of December 2, 2013
Before you could sing 'Here comes the bride,' Maxie was violating a court order, Anna was issuing a death sentence on Faison, and long-lost family members were reunited. But when Robin opens the door and sees all the people we she speak up or forever hold her peace?
Dear readers, I confess to you that I was screaming at Robin on Wednesday. In my living room, shouting at the TV, "Open the door already!" But no, she stopped and read all the names in the guest book and checked out Sabrina's dress, and noted the color of flower petals Emma was dropping. Well, that's not entirely accurate, but she certainly dilly-dallied.


She didn't go running into the church and yell, "I'm ALIVE," which is what I would have done, or what you would have done. But, Soap Logic dictated that she linger in the corridor and silently look on like Gigot at his own funeral. (If you get that reference, you are old.)


The buildup to this scene about killed me. I was tired of Sabrina whining about her dress and Felix fussing about the alterations and Emma looking cute and saying precocious things, and everyone looking for something blue. (Smurfs are blue. Print one online and stick the paper in your damned bra.)


Soap people never do the obvious. See, if I were Robin, the day I got back to Port Charles, I would have gone to Patrick said, "Hey, I'm alive, but Jerry Jacks has my parents held hostage, and if he knows you know I'm alive, he will kill them." Patrick can keep a secret. She trusts him, right? Pretty much everyone in Port Charles now knows Robin is alive except for Patrick. People have told him she's alive. He even spoke to her on the phone and still refuses to believe it's true.


Why on earth did Robin tell Carlos her name was Epiphany? Seriously. Doesn't everyone who has ever walked into General Hospital know who Epiphany is? She could have said she was Lisa Niles. Ha. If Robin doesn't loudly and boldly interrupt the wedding on Monday, I will revert to hating her.


Readers, does Sabrina's magical accent bother you? It seems she only has an accent when she says Carlos' name and never has an accent at any other time. It bugs me. I hope after Robin and Patrick reunite, Sabrina and Carlos reunite, and she becomes a mob princess. She and Alexis can play bridge together while their lovers are out whacking people or something. Sabrina can work on her Puerto Rican accent, and Alexis can throw in a few Bada-Bings and Fuggedaboudits.


Readers, I am fickle. I went from hating Britt to liking her. I am warming up to her and Nikolas as a couple. They make sense. They both have DNA from maniacs and understand each other in ways no one else possibly could. Of course, now that Nik is dating someone, Elizabeth is suddenly interested in him again. Women like that drive me mad. (Which is one reason why most of my friends are men. Not to mention that I hate all parties whose name ends in "shower.")


There are too many heroes and villains in the same place right now; I can't keep track of who has who as a hostage. Anna, Robert, Faison, Obrecht, Jerry, Luke, Anna, Duke, Nikolas, Britt, and Robin have each had the jump on one another so many times, it's making me dizzy. If only Laura would be behind one of the doors, it would explain why she has been in France so long.


There have been a lot of great comebacks and nods to GH history in its 50th year, but the return of Genie Francis was totally botched, in my opinion. She was brought back for no real reason, with no real plot and with no resolution with either Luke or Scott, and now she's gone again. Mind you, this isn't as bad as the last time Brenda returned, but still, they wasted a remarkable actress and didn't give her anything to do but talk to Lucy about spa contracts.


You can say, "She did have closure; Laura and Scott broke up, and Luke and Laura decided they didn't fit anymore." But then Laura went after Luke to save his life and the "Why" of that was never fully explored to my satisfaction. I love Luke and Tracy and the dynamic they have -- but there is something so magical about Luke and Laura that I can't let it go.


But I digress…last we saw, Anna and Robert have Faison. While Robert wants to send Faison back to the slammer, Anna is bloodthirsty and wants to put Faison out of his misery for good. I hope Robert talks her out murder, because if he lives to go back to jail that means he can escape again someday to terrorize and entertain us again. I love Faison and Obrecht as a comedy team and kooky villains, and I hate to see them go, even though their reign of terror has reached its logical end.


Maybe Jerry will unleash some poison on Port Charles for which only Dr. Obrecht knows the antidote. That way we get to keep her.


Of course the only reason Jerry is out and about and able to do maniacal things is because Bobbie is an idiot. He must be really good in bed because she has fallen for his crap multiple times, and he doesn't even have the same face. I think we should borrow from the OLTL Todd/Victor plot…imagine if Julian Stone came back as Jerry, and this version of Jerry isn't Jerry at all! Maybe fake Jerry had real Jerry and Lady Jane and Jax hostage somewhere!


With as many cases of mistaken identity as we've had lately, that would be apropos. Like Franco thinking he was a Quartermaine but instead being the spawn of Scott and Heather. That's some messed up DNA there. I pity Franco. Just what is Heather using to bribe the guards to let her out of the mental hospital? BLTs, stripe paintings, or sexual favors? Never mind, I don't want to know the answer.


I can't decide if Franco is really still a murderous maniac, or if he's just trying to scare Heather into leaving Carly alone. I really, really like the pairing of Laura Wright and Roger Howarth. They are both so present and passionate in all their scenes, it makes for some riveting viewing. They are saner together than they are apart, too. That's a powerful thing. Do you have someone in your life that makes you less crazy? Someone with whom you are less neurotic and the world makes sense when you're together? If so, hold onto them with both hands. It's so rare.


Franco and Carly stand a better chance of lasting as a couple than Sonny and Olivia. After all, Sonny did dump Liv for her cousin, and it turns out they aren't Connie's grandparents after all, but then again, they are probably Ben's grandparents, so if that little tidbit comes out before Christmas, they just might make it.


Ellie and Spinelli are trying to take care of baby Connie and learn together how to best accomplish that, but Maxie isn't a very good rule follower and seeks to jeopardize Spinelli's custody by showing up and violating the judge's orders. Good to see Spinelli finally grow a backbone with her and stand his ground for the sake of his daughter.


Of course, this whole storyline will simply be the thing that facilitates Kirsten Storms's real life maternity leave. She will be gone and come back a better person just in time for the judge to rule she can finally see her kid -- and probably on the eve of Spinelli and Ellie's wedding or something.


Side note -- a special thanks to Liz Masters for filling in for me last weekend -- it was my 25th wedding anniversary this week, and we were on vacation. I appreciate the help, my friend. And, dear readers, I am thankful for all of you and your faithful readership of this column for nearly a decade. I wish you all the most wonderful holiday season.


What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Robin stand in the back and throw rice at Patrick and Sabrina as they exit the church? Will Spinelli open Maxie's gift for Connie to find a baby faux fur coat inside or a box of Christmas ornaments with the name "Georgie" engraved on them? Will Juan show up at Sabrina's wedding, after all, with his wife "Becky"? Will Nikolas finally fill the catacombs in with cement so bad things stop happening down there? Will A.J. confess to a murder he didn't commit because he was too drunk to know any better? Will Diane and Max make up for lost time by binge watching Cougartown on Netflix?


Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

Tamilu

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