This week when I heard a voice emerge from behind Tracy's head, I said to my husband, "Hey! Ned must be back from Jacarta!" and we laughed because that is one of our many running GH jokes. Jeff pretends he hates GH and puts a book in front of his face while it's on, but then he throws in comments that prove he has been paying attention. He said, "Oh, I thought he went on tour with Blackie for L&B records." Not the comment of a non-GH watcher.
In the world of soaps, characters come and go, and implausible excuses are given for their absence. Then they magically reappear, and no one ever mentions where they have been the last twelve years. But since Frisco and Laura are coming back soon, people in Port Charles who haven't mentioned them in eons will suddenly start reminiscing about them as if they have been desperately missed.
The one that still bugs me is Ric Lansing, who fought Alexis desperately for custody of Molly and then "went to practice law in L.A." but has apparently never visited her since she was a toddler. Since B&B isn't using Rick Hearst these days, I bet Sonny could use a little brotherly support with his grief over Jason. Without Jason warning Sonny away from his brother, who knows, they might actually bond -- and Sonny needs a co-conspirator.
But I digress. Bringing Ned back and adding to the treasure trove of Quartermaine history in the battle for ELQ is brilliant. The one puzzle piece I can't figure out yet is who the missing Quartermaine heir is that Carly knows about but no one else does. It can't be Danny because Sam already gave all her stock away, right? If I am missing an obvious answer here, please tell me.
I am delighted with GH right now -- it's a great mix of soapy goodness with love triangles aplenty, people to root for and people to hate, and not as much bloodshed and mob violence -- it feels again like the show I started watching. And I'm not alone; the ratings for GH are climbing, and ABC says they have no plans to cancel it. So, I have a challenge for you -- if you know someone who used to watch GH and stopped watching it, be a Soap Opera Evangelist and ask friends to tune in again. Let's make those ratings skyrocket and assure GH many more years of delighting us.
Random -- I know hair shouldn't matter so much, but in a week where everyone was commenting on the First Lady's bangs, I think it's okay for me to waste a paragraph to say how much I love Carly's haircut. I want to know who cut it and how many months I have to save up money to go to her hairdresser. Seriously, she looks amazing.
If I were good at math, I could give you a number, but my guess is that 95% of all good soap plots are built on lies and secrets. Someone is blackmailing someone because they learned their secret, and on GH right now, that number is too large to count. Someone is in love with a hot widowed doctor but is too afraid to tell the secret of their heart. Someone tripped over a dog and had a miscarriage but is lying to everyone about it.
If everyone were straightforward and truthful, Port Charles would be a terribly dull place. I was excited when I first heard the news that Duke was coming back to the canvas, but since he isn't Faison anymore, and is just plain old Duke, I find myself…underwhelmed. I just don't care about him anymore. Luke, on the other hand, has riveted me for over 30 years, but I don't want him with Anna. I don't want him with Tracy either. I want him with Laura. Period. Eternally. No one else will ever satisfy me. Some people just belong together.
Yeah, yeah, I know he raped her, but hey, it was the 70s, and she forgave him, and they had two lovely children and a happy marriage together thereafter because we were backward in those days and didn't know any better.
On to the Corinthos children: Morgan has been in boarding school for years and never even comes home for Christmas, Michael is suddenly in cahoots with A.J., and Kristina is acting more and more like Sonny every day and is taking a baseball bat to Connie for revenge.
It seemed implausible that they would ever find a way to bring A.J. back from the dead, but they did, and I'm delighted. He has such an interesting history with so many characters that it's a wealth of material from which to mine soap gold.
A.J. and Carly nearly hooking up? Or did they hook up? I would love it if she ended up pregnant by A.J. again. Can you imagine? Sonny would end up in Ferncliff with Lucy, Heather, and Todd.
Speaking of Heather, what does she know about the secrets of the will, the Pickle Lila Relish mystery, and who has the final vote for ELQ? I'm going mad trying to solve this mystery, but I can't come up with a viable explanation. Any guesses out there? I like that there are mysteries in Port Charles I can't solve right now. It keeps my old brain agile.
One thing that is not a mystery is that "Britch" is the perfect nickname for the conniving Dr. Westbourne. Any person who does not like Emma Drake is a horrible human being. Not only did she whisper cruel words of hatred to a grieving toddler, she actually misplaced her, too. #worstbabysitterever Sure, she might be hot in shower sex, but will Patrick forgive her for losing his only child and link to the love of his life?
But as much as I hated Britt this week, I realized, that is why she is there. I am supposed to hate her. She is brilliant at making me despise her. Sabrina is pure of heart, gentle, and sweet, but I am over the Ugly Betty disguise and want to get down to her makeover. I imagine that won't be revealed until the Nurses Ball. Please, Sabrina, give your fabulous friend Felix some scissors and let him start hacking away at that unkempt hair.
But the real question for Patrick's future is this -- where is Robin and her captor, Jerry Jacks? That plot was left hanging. Robin is alive, we know she's alive, and thus it's hard to invest in Patrick and Sabrina or Britt, because we know as soon as Robin emerges, it's game over for either one.
Anna was an inch from Robin and missed her; she's definitely lost some of her spy savvy over the years. She was fooled by a rubber-mask Faison, and I said to myself "If I were making out with a guy with a rubber mask on, wouldn't it taste like balloon when I kissed him?" I mean, wouldn't there be a taste or smell that let you know it was not skin-flavored? I have tasted my fair share of skin over the years and I am pretty sure I would know if I was kissing rubber lips.
I'm sorry Faison got caught so quickly because I love Anders Hove, and I wanted way more Faison creepiness. If I were Anna, I'd actually choose Faison from all her current suitors -- he's like the Phantom of the Opera, creepy and dark, but very romantic!
Speaking of romantic, if I had to pick from every guy on GH to be my one true love, I would pick über nerd Damien Spinelli over any other sulking hunk. His soul is the sweetest thing ever to hit television. He is so honorable. What would he do if forced to choose between crippled Ellie and pregnant Maxie? I thought that was going to be the story to explore, but as quickly as she was paralyzed, Ellie's toes started wiggling, and I realized that heart-tugging story was not to be. Sometimes soaps go too slowly, but sometimes they go too fast, too.
I am torn about the truth of Maxie's pregnancy. I can't decide if she never miscarried at all, or if the baby is indeed Spinelli's. Can you miscarry a baby and get pregnant 20 minutes later? I am not a doctor, but that seems medically improbable. One thing I do know, she will not be giving birth to a dog.
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Sonny cheat on Kate with…herself? Will Heather torment Todd in Ferncliff for leaving her stranded there? Will Lucy be cured of her vampire flashbacks before the Nurses Ball? Will the GH makeup team win lots of Emmys for Luke's black eye and Todd's bruised face? Will someone eat some Pickle Lila on their hot dog and find a massive diamond at the bottom of the jar? Will Emma trip Britt at the skating rink once they find her? (Hey, I hear she sometimes hides in trees.) Will Sam help McBain's wounds heal with sexual healing? Will Emily come back to life, too, and sing at the Nurses Ball with Hologram Edward?
Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in as long as there are tomorrows.