Port Charles was filled with sparring partners this week, Dante vs. Claire, Maxie vs. Liz, Helena vs. Alexis, Warren Bauer vs. Kristina, and even Lulu vs. her own conscience. Being a spectator to all the name-calling and claw-extending made for some very entertaining viewing, but were there any winners?
Dante put himself on the line to get Morgan off the witness stand and channeled his inner Al Pacino, "No you're out of order!" and in doing so he ended up on the wrong side of a jail cell overnight. Lulu somehow managed to get into the jail with a short skirt and a giant rock on her hand that could have easily cut through the bars. She braved the prison walls to comfort Dante in his time of distress. However, the next day Morgan was back on the stand, so Point goes to Claire!
Helena duked it out with Alexis over parenting skills. I'd really love to write for Helena, her dialogue is just too delicious. Helena was annoyed to discover that Alexis ran Kiefer down by accident. Helena noted that if her daughter had been beaten by a boy, she would have run him down on purpose and backed up over him repeatedly until he was crushed to bits. Point: Helena. But really, has anyone but Luke ever bested her?
Elizabeth dropped by Lucky's place with a lame excuse, and was startled to find her arch nemesis Maxie there. Maxie was merely trying to score a junked lamp, but as a surprise bonus, she got to have a good old-fashioned smackdown where Maxie made certain to rub Elizabeth's face in the truth and remind Liz of all her many failures. Point: Maxie. Elizabeth put her tail between her legs and slunk away in shame.
Mr. Bauer is the devil. He intended to manipulate Kristina into clearing Kiefer's name apparently forgetting that she is a wounded young girl. He refuses to believe that his son could have hit Kristina. In the midst of his denial, he attempted to convince Kristina to say Alexis bullied her into naming Kiefer as her attacker to cover up Alexis' hit-and-irun. While Kristina denied it and tried her best to hold her own against Warren, sadly, it's Point: Bauer because it's clear he got into Kristina's head.
Lulu and Luke had a smackdown over her relationship with Dante. That was a paranoid rant even for Luke. He informed Lulu that he believed Dante and his "cop buddies" had rigged it up so Ethan would get beaten up in jail. Point: Lulu. Lulu reminded her dad she was an adult and loved Dante and told him to stay out of it. She's just as stubborn as he is, so he should have known better.
Dante didn't mean to wound Lulu and didn't even realize a smackdown was taking place. That's because it was all in Lulu's head. Dante can't be expected to be sensitive about Lulu's abortion because… she never mentioned it to him. When Dante waxed poetic about the joy of family and mentioned how brave his mom was to choose to have him when she was 15, Lulu's face went pale. She drifted into flashbacks of the day she made the choice to abort her child and worried endlessly about how Dante would react if he knew about her past. Point: Lulu's Conscience.
Alexis also battled her conscience this week and confessed to a very sympathetic Mac about being the hit-and-run driver in Kiefer's fatal accident. She didn't let him stop her until she finished the whole story - "It was like I left my body" she explained, trying to justify the fact she left an injured young man on the road to die after she hit him.
Point: Alexis, and in truth, all of us. It's so rare that Daytime celebrates characters that are honest and forthright. Alexis came forward with a confession when she could easily have pinned the rap on Ethan and gotten away with it. She was a good example to her fictional daughters, and to us. Mac has vowed to help her through this dark time in her life. After all the matchmaking efforts on her daughter's part, this incident might be the thing that finally draws the two of them together.
Claire Walsh had smackdowns with most of the town last week. To put this into perspective, allow me to interject a little real -life courtroom drama…On Friday, I started watching GH and the show was interrupted when real- life killer John Gardner changed his plea to guilty and admitted to killing two local teens.
Here in the real world, people cheered the prosecutor that got that deal and convinced him to confess. Back in Soap World, people hate Claire and think she's the bad guy for trying to nail our precious Sonny, but we know Sonny is innocent this time and she doesn't. She actually believes she is fighting to see a man guilty of murder put behind bars, but in the Bizarro World of General Hospital, that's a bad thing.
Is Claire ambitious? Yes, indeed. But does that make her bad and wrong for trying to convict a man she believes to be guilty of murder? No. We're going to have to call this match a draw until Carly testifies next week and we see who wins that Meowfest.
Smackdown Us vs. Dialogue - On Twitter this week whenever Kristina said "It's not my fault" and Lucky said "It's not your fault" - I tweeted everyone and reminded them to drink. Point: All alcoholic GH watchers everywhere!
Lucky and Ethan had a smackdown about the way Ethan talked to Kristina. Lucky was being pretty judgmental, and I had to wonder if he would feel the same way if Kristina had told the whole town that Lucky beat her? I called this one Point Lucky because after their talk, Ethan did go to apologize to Kristina.
Readers, I want to start a campaign for ABC to let Ethan wear his hair down. He has beautiful long wavy hair and I read an interview today where Nathan Parsons said they make him keep it in a ponytail! Insanity, let those locks flow, baby.
Jason battled all the people he loved the most, Sonny, Carly, and Sam. He was intent on taking the blame for Sonny and willing to go to prison for something he didn't do, but thankfully for us, Claire denied the switch. I thought about that a lot this week, who do I love enough to do ten years in prison for? I came up with one name: Mom, and thankfully she's never committed a crime in her life so I'm safe. Jason even had to battle Morgan and have the McGruff the Crime Dog "Take a Bite Out of Crime" lecture with Morgan to convince him it was a good idea in general to steer clear of shady criminal activities. Steve Burton never gets enough credit because Jason is such a stoic character, but the guy did so much with his eyes this week expressing fear and regret and sadness and determination. I must give credit where credit is due.
Smackdown me vs. my own brain… I was watching Ronnie this week and I wondered what the heck he was still doing in Port Charles. He's an NYPD cop, and until the day he has to testify about his part in the undercover investigation of Sonny Corinthos - shouldn't he be home and doing his own job? If you're a cop, you can't just show up in Any City USA and have their police chief start assigning you work, can you? Besides, I don't trust Ronnie. For all we know, he whacked Detective Poletti himself or helped Franco do it. (When he was 8?)
Sonny battled Dante's inner conflict. Sonny saw something in Dante and noted "The law matters less to you than the people you love." Dante was peeved that Sonny said it, but clearly Sonny hit the nail on the head. Point: Sonny. Dante doth protest too much, the old man is starting to get to him.
Jax had his final smackdown with Drew Garrett's Michael, and I was at least pleased that Michael gave Jax a little credit for trying to save his siblings. I'm very sad to see Drew go and wish I had the power to change it.
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? When the Davis girls go to Paris, will they run into Laura? Will Sonny make me an offer to work for him so I can quit my job and go to work at Mob Pasta? Will Alice fill up an entire Trapper Keeper full of jury notes? Will Warren Bauer ambush Kristina at Kiefer's memorial service as I fear? Will Maxie stop by when Lucky's not home and steal that ugly lamp? Will Mark St. James come to work for Kate Howard at Crimson now that Ugly Betty is cancelled? Will Carly in her lily white suit and baby Josslyn in tow be able to thwart Claire's evil scheme to tear her apart?