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 Two Scoops: April 12, 2010 columns
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Say it again, Sam (or Kristina)
For the Week of April 12, 2010
Mind you, domestic violence is no laughing matter, but endlessly repeated conversations on soaps are hilarious.
My husband Jeff, who insists he doesn't watch GH, was just casually sitting on the sofa "reading a book" while I was watching GH when Kristina said for the 80th time, "It's all my fault!" My husband, never looking up from his book said, "If she says that one more time, I am going to go to General Hospital myself and slap her around some more."


We laughed and laughed. Mind you, domestic violence is no laughing matter, but endlessly repeated conversations on soaps are hilarious. Many of my Twitter followers threaten to play drinking games by picking a character of the day and their oft-repeated phrase and taking a drink every time the character says it. A few weeks back, people chose Sonny and the phrase, "If I knew he was my son, I wouldn't have shot him!"


This week, Kristina was easily the best choice should you want to get hammered midday. She said that line to at least a dozen people. I don't think she is going to stop saying it anytime soon, either, with her upcoming counseling sessions. You could also have picked Sam, Alexis, Molly, Dante, and a host of others and the line "This isn't your fault." That having been said, Lexi Ainsworth continues to give us heartbreaking performances day after day. If this girl doesn't get an Emmy, I will be crushed. Her work certainly merits reward.


Kiefer, the guy we loved to hate is dead and probably on his way to hell in a limo, so we won't have to watch Kristina get knocked around anymore. But trust me, this isn't over. I suspect the aftermath will be with us for quite a while. Kristina has therapy coming up, and I can promise you we will hear the phrase "It's all my fault" at least a few more times.


In a shocker, Alexis killed Kiefer in a hit-and-run. On the advice of her confidante and lawyer, Diane, Alexis was on her way to confess her crime, but something tells me she is going to chicken out at the last minute. Readers, last week I invited you to email me if you wanted to know who killed Kiefer and many of you did. On Monday, I only got to answer about 50 of you before the show aired and since you already knew it was Alexis because you saw her plow into Kiefer with her car, I stopped answering.


I happen to know the woman has a cell phone because I have seen her use it. I understand Alexis was rushing her wounded child to the hospital, but she could have at least dialed 9-1-1. What's wrong with the people in this town?


Nancy Lee Grahn was brilliant in her scenes this week. When she was standing outside of the curtain hearing the news that Kiefer died, every fiber of her being conveyed the mix of sorrow, fear, panic, and dread that traveled through her. On one hand, she had to be glad her daughter's abuser would never hit her child again; on the other hand, she knew she was responsible for a young man's death. Confessing means jail time - she already confessed to hitting Claudia, and no court in the world would give her two free passes, especially when Kiefer died.


Will Alexis follow through and confess, finally stopping the cycle of lies in the extended Corinthos family? I don't know, but I hope she does. There have been so many lies and no consequences, and just once I'd like to see the guilty party take responsibility for their actions. I realize it would be a tough call, because Alexis doesn't want to go to jail and leave her kids parentless.


It's somewhat scary to consider who might raise Molly if Alexis goes to jail. Ric abandoned her for L.A. and Jackie M Creations, big sister Sam is shacking up with a hit man, Diane is not mother material - poor Molly's best bet would be Alexis' best pal Jax and her arch enemy Carly. Yikes!


Don't you find it hilarious that the Jackal and Jason cracked the hit and run case before the PCPD did? Also astonishing is that Spinelli found some traffic cams that operate out on some winding country road where deer roam free. At least assuming that's actually what Ethan hit. It would be extremely unlikely that both Ethan and Alexis ran Kiefer over.


I pity poor Ethan, falsely accused of multiple crimes in one week and beat up in jail. He must really love Luke to hang around that messed-up town. At least he stole enough knick knacks from the Q house to have traveling money if he needs to travel. Maya Ward should take off and travel with him - that could be a fun bonding adventure. But, instead, a wind is blowing that says Ethan and Kristina may eventually be a couple, and all I can say is "Ewww." First off, she is 17 and he's 22, and second of all, she falsely accused him of beating her and almost got him killed. If he dates her after that, he deserves Sonny's wrath.


Kristina finally named Kiefer as her attacker, but will anyone but her family believe her? Kiefer's self righteous parents have only been on twice and I'm already tired of them. They will no doubt reject Kristina's claims about their son. They will be out for blood. Rumor has it that Kiefer's dad is going to verbally lambaste K in her hospital room. I can hardly wait to see who will show up just in time to pin him against the wall. (Just a hunch)


It was nice to see Bobbie on canvas and talking about her abusive past. I do love it when GH remembers their character's history and knows we remember it, too. Jeff, who again forgot he wasn't supposed to be paying attention, said "Bobbie left out the part of her story when she was a hooker." So apparently he's been pretending not to watch for like 30 years. Readers, not to sound catty, but when I saw Bobbie I barely recognized her; I didn't realize it was her until I heard her voice. Darker hair, different face - yikes.


Liz was back at GH, too, after her brief stint at Shadybrooke, but lacking the focus she once had. Instead of sending her back for more mental health treatment, apparently Liz is going to have an encounter with a terminally ill patient played by Michael Learned (Mrs. Walton!) who is going to cheer her up and bring her out of her funk. Hope it plays less cheesy than it sounds.


Hey, did you guys notice that Liz didn't have any laundry to fold, so she was throwing other random crap in her laundry basket like misplaced toys and old magazines? She needs a 12-step program to let go of the basket. Thank goodness Jake and Cam have Uncle Steven to help their mommy, because she hasn't fully recovered from her emotional wounds and battered soul.


Sonny's trial is moving slow, but it's still watch-able for the ridiculous moments like Sonny sauntering over to Claire's seat and threatening her in open court. When the judge called Sonny on it and told him to go back to his seat, Sonny replied, "Oh, uh sorry, I thought she said something to me." LOL!


Always the classy broad, when Olivia took the stand at Sonny's trial and was asked how she and Sonny knew one another, Olivia blurted out the classic "He knocked me up when I was 15." Did you see Sonny's eyes roll?


Olivia, the woman who didn't tell Sonny about his son because she was so anti-mob, is now considering moving in with Johnny Zacharra who is trying to take over the mob while Sonny is otherwise engaged. Ironic or idiotic? You decide!


Johnny used to be a much better liar when he was with Lulu and pretending to be a piano teacher than he is now trying to pawn off some goomba as a pizza delivery guy. Just saying. I can't believe Johnny has gone all mobster on us and we haven't had an Anthony sighting. Isn't it about time for him to escape? Here's my dream love triangle - Anthony Zacharra, Edward Quartermaine, and Helena Cassadine. Tell me that wouldn't be Soapalicious!


On the opposite end of the spectrum, Dante Falconeri, upstanding cop, is suddenly acting very much like a…Corinthos. When Morgan got bamboozled into testifying in court, Dante burst into the room to retrieve him. It was so "Officer and a Gentleman" like - I didn't see it coming at all. That's one cliffhanger I am really anxious to see come Monday. Dante may have bad feelings about his dad, but he isn't letting that cloud his love for Michael, Morgan, and Kristina. I wish I had a big brother who had my back like that. But when I was a kid, I told my mom I wanted a brother or a sister, and she told me if I had a brother or sister I would have to share my toys, so I told her never mind. (Really.)


Sonny tried to pull a "Yo Mama" on Dante and blame Olivia for the two of them not being close as father and son. Dante heard Sonny speak ill of Olivia and punched him right in the face. Sonny got that crazy-eyed look and warned Dante he could only be pushed so far. So which is it Sonny? You'd do anything for your kids (even take a punch or blame for a murder) or, are there limits? Make up your mind now, dude.


Maxie was too sick to take the stand, so the court officials went to the hospital room and Maxie fake coughed up a storm, drank enough water to leave her internally floating for days, and nonetheless had to testify and, miracle of miracles, didn't admit to seeing Michael on the night of Claudia's murder. Jason told her he owed her… Hmmm, wonder what kind of favor Maxie will ask of Jason? It could range anywhere from asking him to knock off Franco to asking him to wear a tux and escort her to a fashion show.


What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Carly and Jax decide to home school Morgan so no one can drag him out of school to court the next time his dad is arrested? Will Lucky slip Ethan a handcuff key or find the dead deer to clear his brother's name? Will Lulu be so bold in declaring her love for Dante once he reconciles with the man who shot him? Will Skye get Luke involved in some cockamamie scheme and ruin his marriage to Tracy once and for all? Will anyone ever tell us the real reason that Drew Garrett was let go? Will Alice's steno pad get filled up on jury duty and require a second notebook?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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