After what seemed like an endless campaign of whining by everyone, GH finally filmed and debuted new opening credits. Personally, I love them. First, I love the faux Port Charles skyline. Although I have to say for a city that large, the only cars ever on the road seem to belong to the 30 residents we know. And frankly they should all have to take public transportation, especially in winter, as every time we see one of them behind the wheel there is an 85% chance of a car crash. (As evidenced this week by Maxie "Don't Text and Drive" Jones and Lucky "I'm Not Driving Drunk Right Now but I Probably Was Last Night" Spencer.)
But I digress. The new credits are smart because they didn't do a group photo. That means as people come and go, they can be updated regularly. The old credits just made me angry every day when I was reminded of all the beloved characters they killed off like Alan Quartermaine, Justus Ward, and Lorenzo Alcazar. I also like that they listed the characters and actors' name together; every week I get mail that says "Who's that guy who plays Dante?" So it will make it easier for fans to get to know the actors they love.
On my high def flat screen TV, the credits look lush, rich, and colorful -- real eye candy. I watched them every day this week and didn't fast forward past them to get to the "good stuff" because now, the credits are good stuff, too. Thank you, ABC.
More good stuff? Court! Color me nerdy, but I love a good old-fashioned soap trial. I pretend to be an intellectual in certain circles, but truth be told, I'd rather watch Diane and Alexis work a cheesy soap courtroom on General Hospital than watch the highly acclaimed "Hurt Locker" or "A Serious Man" ever again. Does that make me shallow? Possibly. Do I care? No.
I like my entertainment to entertain me. And Diane and Alexis never ever fail.
Before they even got into the actual trial, Diane had me in stitches with her tirade over Sonny's wardrobe. When Sonny wore his usual "Black on black," Diane said "This ensemble screams mob boss. You might as well be wearing a neon sign that says, 'The Godfather is waiting for the jury to come up and kiss his ring.'" Rather than going upstairs to change, Sonny proposed they should go pay off the judge so he could wear whatever he wanted. But in the end, Diane won and Sonny actually wore a white shirt and tie. Carolyn Hennesy is a firecracker and she brings fire to her role every day. I have never fast forwarded a Diane scene, ever.
When you pair Ms. Hennesy with the equally delightful Nancy Lee Grahn, you've got something truly special. Their chemistry lights up the screen. I see great comic potential in this trial; Diane and Alexis both have really strong opinions, so I suspect them working together as co-council might create a few disagreements, which will, of course, be hilarious.
The trial has already hit its first snag in arraignment; Diane thought she had an easy course ahead of her with a lazy D.A. as her opponent, but Jax intervened to get Claire Walsh assigned to the trial. She seems like a barracuda now, but let's face it; she's a woman and Sonny's dimples will eventually wear her down.
Readers, I have to tell you Jax is on my last nerve right now. Regardless of his good intentions to protect his family, he's playing God and I have little patience for that. It would be easier for him to pick up Carly, Josslyn, and Morgan and take them to Australia for half the year than to put Sonny in jail.
What good will Sonny's incarceration really do? Jax has sworn he has a "hands-off" policy on Jason because he's Carly's best friend, so putting Sonny in jail doesn't make Jax's family safe. Jason and Sonny's enemies know Jason loves Carly and her kids, so they would still be targets for violence.
I don't think Jax has really thought this through. He hates Sonny and always has, and my personal belief is that he will eventually have to admit this was more about sticking it to Sonny than anything else. I'm still hoping for Vanessa Marcil to return as Brenda so we can get back to the real root of the hatred between Sonny and Jax. Those old flashback scenes are just begging to be shown.
Before trial, Sonny begged Olivia to intervene on his behalf with Dante as he knows his time is running out to get to know his son. Olivia refused and reminded Sonny that Dante was a grown man. During the course of their argument, Olivia made a great point in defense of her choice to keep Dante's paternity a secret all those years ago "The proof I made the right decision is the fine man Dante has become. He has values, he knows right from wrong, Look me in the eye and tell me that's the man he would have turned into if he had grown up in your world." Ouch! Good point, Olivia. I mean, just take a look at Michael. He was a mess before the bullet to his head.
With no intervention from Olivia, Sonny went to see Dante on his own and tried to convince Dante to work on a relationship. Dante declined. Sonny tried to convince Dante they were alike. Dante balked and said they were nothing alike and told Sonny to leave him alone. Sonny seemed almost proud when he told Dante "That anger and refusal to forgive? Just like me." But then again, Sonny was proud of Michael when he took an axe handle and bashed his stepmother's head in, so Sonny being proud of you isn't necessarily a good thing.
Robin dropped by to make Sonny's case to Dante. She told him about Sonny's great kindnesses to her and Stone in a very poignant scene. Robin wanted to be certain Dante knew the other side of Sonny before sending his father to prison for life. Patrick was lurking in the hallway eavesdropping and became enraged about Robin's intervention. Patrick went over Steven's head and signed the papers for Dante's release so Dante would have to show up in court to testify against Sonny. Mostly just to irk Robin. It was an unnecessary power struggle, and a cruel act, which is out of character for Patrick.
Side note- if I were Dante, I would have hated to check out of that hospital room. He had a stellar view of the sparkling Port Charles skyline. In Vegas you have to pay extra for a view like that.
This trial stuff is all so serious, and I feel I need a mockery break. This week was an assault to my eyes with so many bizarre fashion choices. Maxie and Lulu are supposed to work for a fashion magazine, but they both made some questionable fashion statements.
Let's start with Maxie's hair…The sides were pinned back in a very drastic way as if she was going to wear it up. But she never put the back part up, so instead it looked like some sort of tortured mullet. Worse, she wore it that way all week. It hurt my eyes. I had to turn away.
Lulu, on the other hand, wore her hair limp and pasted to the sides of her face like Morticia Addams. Then she added a dash of blood red lipstick like Vampira. Her look this week was very Halloweenish. Hey makeup people! That lipstick was *way* too dark for her! Not to mention her jacket. Every time I caught a good glimpse of that jacket I said "We are Devo" out loud to my TV.
Neither of the girls questioned Spinelli's awkward fashion choice - it appeared he was wearing a chef's coat…I wondered if between takes on GH he was doing a guest appearance on Hell's Kitchen or Emeril Live. Bam!
Okay, back to business. Patrick. Robin. What has gotten into Patrick? They had a big fight at the hospital and Steven Webber had to intervene. May I just say Steven Webber is a much hotter Chief of Staff than Steve Hardy was?
It just doesn't ring true. What's come between them? Patrick has always liked Sonny but was suddenly furious with Robin for defending Sonny and telling Dante about Sonny's past generosity. Oh wait, I know what's come between them…Bad writing. The writers have decided to find reasons for Patrick and Robin to be in conflict so Lisa, the least popular character ever, can drive a wedge between them. Thus they have started writing ridiculous arguments that aren't true to the characters to accomplish that unfortunate goal.
They introduced Lisa 1.0 and when no one liked her they decided to replace her with another actress for Lisa 2.0, but no one likes NuLisa either. I have a hunch if the character of Lisa disappeared tomorrow, no one would be picketing ABC clamoring for her return. The character is pointless and the scenes with her irk me because I have to watch them just so I can write and tell you how much I hate them.
Patrick left GH after his fight with Robin to grab a brew at Jake's and Lisa showed up right behind him to ask the burning question "What's the deal with Robin and the mobsters?" but the real reason is because she's a freaking stalker. I mean really, if you were married with a kid and your old boyfriend from college showed up in your town and got a job at your office out of the blue, wouldn't you just find that creepy in general? I know I would.
As I have said multiple times, I think there is plenty of built-in drama for Robin and Patrick without resorting to a forced love triangle. For instance, Patrick and Matt are estranged from their dad so bring Rick Springfield back to down and deal with that. Robin has HIV, let her meds stop working and have a health crisis Patrick has to help her through. Let Robert and Anna come back to town and drag Patrick and Robin into some medical spy mission- I'd basically go for anything rather than a fling with boring Lisa.
Speaking of going for things, when Lucky explained his bloody eyebrow and car crash to Luke and Luke offered a boat trip around Key West and the Caribbean, why did Lucky hesitate? I would have immediately gone home and packed my SeaBands and sunscreen. And frankly, I don't think they would have had to force Ethan to tag along on their adventure. What does Ethan really have in Port Charles? A 15-year old with a crush on him? A meddling step-mom? A mobster trying to drag him into a grudge match that could kill him? Key West is way better than any of that. Hey Luke, if they don't take you up on it, I'll go.
However, Lucky was hesitant to leave because of Jake and Cam. After all, he did promise Jason he would still be Jake's fake daddy. Poor Lucky, on top of finding out that his fiancée was sleeping with his brother, he also has to have the local hit man as a partner because Mac seemingly only has 2 employees on the PCPD and Dante's just getting over a gunshot wound.
Ethan is about to be sucked into Johnny's revenge plot against Sonny. Not smart, because Johnny is in reckless mode, pumped high on adrenaline and revenge. He showed up at Olivia's door with a necklace dripping in diamonds and she asked him where he got the money for it. I instantly tweeted "Dear Men: If anyone wants to buy me a necklace like Johnny got Olivia, I won't ask where you got the loot to buy it." I mean, really Olivia. Just shut up and enjoy the opulence.
Johnny also dropped a ton of cash at the Haunted Star fake gambling to try to convince Ethan to be his partner in crime. He made an impassioned plea and uttered the very best line of the week while explaining that seeing Sonny behind bars wasn't enough for him - "Because that would be retribution for the law system. I'm talkin' about getting a little retribution of my own. See, somehow Sonny sloppin' up 3 squares a day, catching up on his reading, and spooning with his cellmate on Friday nights, that's not cuttin' it for me." Did anyone NOT laugh when he said "spooning with his cellmate on Friday nights…?" Johnny's a little crazy right now, but I kind of like it as long as it doesn't get him killed.
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Elizabeth strangle Helena with the belt to her hospital robe? Will anyone ever tell Dante that Michael killed Claudia so he can see his dad is just trying to protect his brother? Will Maxie and Lucky become confidants now that they bonded over their mutual reckless driving? Will everyone remember to tune in Friday at 6pm Eastern/3pm Pacific to Soap Central Live radio to hear Dan interview Jackie "Bobbie Spencer" Zeman? Will Carly have to go to the mall to buy Sonny some more light colored shirts? Will Kiefer get angry about Kristina canceling their movie date and slap her around some more? Will Maxie pick a normal hairstyle for at least a few days so my eyes can heal? Will Ghost Georgie be the one to come back and talk to her about her crazy hair?