Many people think that watching Soaps is a frivolous waste of time, but they couldn't be further from the truth. If you pay attention there are life lessons to be learned every day while watching what my grandma used to call her "stories." In case you didn't take notes this week while watching General Hospital, I will give you the rundown of lessons you should have learned.
1) Never ever confess your sins or crimes to someone in a coma. They will wake up. They will remember your confession. Bank on it. Sure, they look like a perfect listener all propped up on pillows, eyes closed, slightly drooling from one side of their mouth. But that is merely a façade for a tired body with a working brain. Jax confessed to Michael, Jerry confessed to Michael, Claudia confessed to Michael, if memory serves, Jason, Carly and Sonny also did some version of the "this is all my fault" speech to Michael while he was comatose. I predict they will all regret that as Michael's memory is on the rebound.
2) Never get drunk and kiss your "hunka hunka burning brother-in-law" because if it's a good kiss, you will eventually end up in bed together. Elizabeth and Nikolas flirted around and had one little kiss and look how that turned out? They ended up having "I'm glad your baby didn't die at the Carnival" sex also know as "Your brother proposed to me tonight but I am kind of hot for you" sex. And that leads me to the reason Liz agreed to Lucky's proposal even though she just hooked up with Nikolas…
3) Never turn down a legitimate proposal if you're a single mom. If you have two sons by two different dads and you find a third guy who's really nice although a recovering drug addict who is willing to pass off your kids as his own and be your baby daddy, you should marry him. Even if you just had intimate relations with his brother. Sure, Liz and Lucky have already married twice and there has been a train crash, drug addiction, infidelity on both sides, but so what? Cameron and Jake call Lucky "Daddy." Just do it.
4) Never spend a night alone. If you just banged your former sister-in-law, but realize the relationship can't go anywhere, rush back to your dead wife's identical twin sister rather than sleep alone in your gargoyle laced castle.
5) Never take your children to a parking lot carnival. The rides are so flimsy that if some old man has a heart attack and hits the base of the ride going 3 mph, the entire ride will collapse and crush your child. That doesn't sound like much fun now, does it? Not to mention the especially creepy fortune teller lady.
6) Never offer to trade shifts with a friend. Need I remind you what that random act of kindness cost Johnnie? Next time one of your co-workers says "Hey man, can you switch with me Friday night?" Assume someone is planning tossed armed thugs into your place of business and Just Say No. I mean, really, do you want to get caught in the crossfire just for trying to do someone a favor? Of course not! Johnnie wanted Lulu to have a happy day with Dominic to make up for all the heartache he had caused her, but being a nice guy almost made him finish…dead.
7) Never let your loudmouth partner come to visit you in the hospital. If you're deep in the midst of an undercover sting operation and you get shot, tell your loudmouth "bodda-bing" partner to stay away. If he comes to visit, chances are he will talk loudly about the details of your dangerous undercover mission with the hospital door wide open. I bet Dante cringes when he sees that guy coming.
8) Never try to plan a mass murder from prison. Chances are you wouldn't be planning a mass murder anyway, but in case the urge ever strikes you…If you are behind bars and wearing an orange jumpsuit, chances are you won't have much control over an ambush. In fact, your goons might accidentally gun down your own son. Anthony will not be pleased by the outcome, but really, what is he going to do about it? All that gleeful rubbing his hands together manically was for naught.
9) Never mention that you want kids to an already skittish bride. Spinelli meant well, but when he spoke of having a daughter, Maxie turned a little green around the gills. He "nearly had her roped and tied, altar bound, hypnotized" but the instant that Spinelli talked about a baby Maxie sprouted butterfly wings. If you think this is only true in Soap U, think again. Ask my ex-fiancées number 4 and 5. Number 4 actually said he wanted SIX kids and that was when I knew he was definitely NOT the one.
10) If you are an evil twin, a family crisis is the perfect time to ingratiate yourself to the family who has been suspicious of you. Ever since Rebecca admitted she was a con woman who intended to bilk the Quartermaines and Cassadines out of her "fair share" of their money, they haven't really warmed up to her. But when Edward had his drug induced heart attack courtesy of the late Andrea Floyd, Rebecca dutifully sat near Edward's bedside and scored points with the family.
11) If you desperately need a haircut but can't find time between your hour long shifts at the casino where no one gambles to get one, you can always pull your hair back into a ponytail. But don't bother washing it first, that would just be overkill. Ethan. Dude. Fix your hair.
12) If you are upstairs in your penthouse making love to your girlfriend, but have a socially peculiar roommate, you might want to make sure he hasn't invited a dozen friends over before you carry your lover downstairs mostly naked. The sound in Jason's penthouse must have dead spots. When Spinelli and Maxie made love, Jason could hear every thrust and moan. But while upstairs, Jason was unable to hear Spinelli and his houseful of guests and Spinelli was unable to hear Sam and Jason.
13) If you forgot to check for company and stumble into a roomful of people half naked, for penance you must allow yourself to take a verbal smack down from an 8 year old who uses words she doesn't understand. How did Molly Lansing get to be such an expert on love? Assuming her only examples were her parents Alexis and Rick who are dismal failures in the romance department and her big sister Kristina who lets her boyfriend smack her around, I don't think I would take love advice from Molly.
14) If you got some excellent advice from a carnival fortune teller, don't let the magic end. Why only get one reading from the creepy fortune teller lady when you can instead stalk her and follow her to her private home where you can bully her into giving you advice while she irons her pillow cases. How badly is Michael's brain damaged that he is now getting counsel from a carnival side show fortune teller?
15) If you just emerged from a coma and remember something, can't remember the whole story, just make up something juicy. Michael can't actually remember all the details of what Jax said, so he pieced together the fragment he remembers and made up a story that Jax was trying to kill Sonny. Wow, with mad skills like that, he will be able to go to work for Mac on the PCPD any day now!
16) If you foolishly had a night of "pity chemo sex" with the mayor, but then he tried to frame you for murder, don't let him off the hook just because his wife was killed. Hey Alexis, I am counting on you to nail that weasel Mayor Floyd to the wall!
17) Be succinct. It doesn't matter who you are talking to, use the least amount of words possible. For instance, if you are in the chapel having a talk with God, instead of saying "Oh God please forgive me for not telling Sonny that he is Dante's dad and for not telling Dante that Sonny is his father." You could simply say "Oh God, please forgive me." Without specifically naming your sin for Patrick Drake or someone else to overhear. Better yet, you could pray in your head so only God heard any of it. Just sayin'.
18) If you go to visit someone in the hospital and they tell you to go away, don't believe them. Johnnie obviously didn't want to send his beloved sister Claudia away; it must have just been the Vicodin. By ignoring Johnnie's wishes, we did get to see Olivia and Claudia in a catfight, which was kind of fun. But I can't let myself get too hooked on that rivalry since Sarah Brown is leaving the show. Will Claudia leave with a bang or a whimper?
19) When you ask your Soap column readers to follow you on Twitter and they do, it's delightful. I sure have had fun talking to you every day instead of just once a week.
20) A special thanks to Liz for filling in for me last weekend so I could have a weekend away with my girlfriends in Anaheim. She did a wonderful job as always!
What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Helena and Luke show up in time to crash Liz and Lucky's third wedding? Will Laura fly in from her "treatment" in Paris where you are apparently never cured? Will Rebecca ask Nikolas about his tattoos or just keep pretending they aren't there like everyone else does? Will Edward give up martinis for good now? Will Robin quit practicing medicine to join the WSB now that she got the juicy taste of spy work?