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 Two Scoops: August 31, 2009 columns
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For the Week of August 31, 2009
There is a giant chasm that separates the things I actually believe in and things that entertain me on TV and film.
There is a giant chasm that separates the things I actually believe in and things that entertain me on TV and film. For instance, let's talk about 24. If you have ever seen 24, Jack Bauer stops at nothing to get the info he needs from a suspect. He uses legal means, illegal means, and downright torture. I love to watch Jack Bauer on 24 and I cheer when he makes some bad guy pay.

But if I heard our operatives were using Jack Bauer tactics in real life, I would loathe it, I I would be outraged. I would want the idiot to get a fair trial in accordance with the law instead of being jolted with electrodes or other 24-ish tactics. Point? There is a big difference between make believe and real life.

I say that to preface this; I loved it when Jason showed up just in time to pull a gun on the creepy guy at the Jet Ski rental shack. It amused me. It fulfilled some sick fantasy I have where the bullies in life get theirs and have to run off like cowards with their tails between their legs. I loved when Michael said "If I were you, I'd run now." LOVED it.

Think about the last time someone treated you with disrespect and you were unable to defend yourself. Wouldn't it be cool if your mobster Uncle Jason showed up and put a pistol to their head and asked them if there was a problem? BooYah!

But in real life, I hate guns and don't want people carrying guns and would be horrified by such an incident. But on TV where it's safe and no one is really going to bleed, I loved it. Also adorable was Sam's "Whose turn is it?" line. That line embodies why those two make such a good couple, nothing throws her. She can take Jason and his lifestyle in stride.

Jason and Sam found the kids just in the nick of time, as Kristina and Michael were just about to launch into a whole new set of bad choices. Kristina traveling alone from Mexico to New York was a very bad idea. Poor brain damaged Michael staying in Mexico alone, also a very bad idea.

One flaw in the logic of this storyline was that the kids wouldn't have checked the news from Port Charles online. They were working at a hotel, so one would assume they had access to internet in the lobby, or some kid with an iPhone, or something. Also when they had the PDA and e-mailed home, why didn't one of their parental figures text back "Come home, u r off da hook."???

Thanks to Sam, Kristina finally knows that Alexis took the rap for her. And as Sonny predicted, Kristina will probably collapse from the guilt of her mother taking the blame for her crime and confess. I predict it's going to get more and more complicated as the days wear on.

Particularly since Claudia overheard Sonny and Alexis talking about Kristina's role in the accident and Johnnie has just gave her the kiss off. She's angry and vengeful and doesn't have anyone to talk her down. She might even be stupid enough to call Jerry again.

Claudia is an enigma. Some days I despise her and want her to get caught, and other days I pity her and want her to be happy. I can never decide which side of the fence I am on when it comes to that woman. I was delighted to see her back to her pre-maternity black leather pants instead of her slightly stretched black leather pants.

In the scenes where Claudia and Sonny renegotiated their marriage, I was touched even though I realize I can't get invested in them. I'm still trying to recover from Sonny and Brenda breaking up years ago because she wore a wire. Thus I refuse to get invested in Sonny and Claudia when I know he will eventually find out she was responsible for Michael's shooting and dump her without hesitation.

In other news, Prince Nikolas is going "Full Cassadine" on us and setting up Rebecca Shaw to be Punk'd. Nikolas wants revenge on Rebecca for toying with his heart, so he intends to lure her into a false sense of security and then pull the rug out from under her. If you've watched the show long enough you know revenge and obsession are the first steps down the path to total Cassadine madness.

Elizabeth should have just caved in and given Nikolas rebound sex to shake himself out of the madness in his head. But NOOO, she had to be all moral and decent and think it through… Of course, it would have been really awkward for Jake and Cam to walk in with their bag of ice cream to discover Mommy doing Uncle Nikolas on the back porch.

Sam McCall didn't think about sex with Jason, she just went for it and I like that about her. Of course the real kudos go to Jason who was able to perform with a gunshot wound and possibly a couple of broken ribs. Talk about desire! Jason must have really wanted Sam since he winced every time he twitched his toe, but was somehow able to work past the pain to hook up with Ms. Everyday Hero.

In my opinion, the very best reason for Sam and Jason to reunite is that wonderful love song they play whenever the two of them are together, "Baby, It's Just You and Me" (which I just went and bought on iTunes because I couldn't get it out of my head while I wrote about it.)

I wish I could get away with dressing like Sam. I only see her in tank tops, sports bras and jeans. If I could wear that every day I would be the happiest chick in San Diego. Sadly, my place of business would frown upon exposed cleavage and even more sadly I am 15 years older than Sam and would just look desperate.

Speaking of desperate, I predict Maxie will be frantically trying to wiggle out of her engagement soon since Spinelli has out-nerded himself by supposing they will live in Jason's spare bedroom after they are married. As much as I love Spinelli's heart, I have to admit that would be a deal breaker for me if I was Maxie.

She can put up with his general weirdness, and even find it endearing, but shacking up in a hit man's spare bedroom as a home? Pass. Is this a preview to an impending showdown, Spinelli's loyalty to Jason versus his love for Maxie? Possibly. It might even give the writers a legitimate out if they decide to break these two people up. If I find out Maxie only said Yes to Spinelli to annoy Mac, I will hate her.

My favorite new "not actually a couple yet" is Lulu and Dominic/Dante. Lulu is holding him at arms length right now because she believes he is a mobster, but when he's revealed as a good guy cop will she give him another shot?

That probably depends on whether or not he actually betrays Sonny. Sonny after all is a good friend to Lulu. When Lulu cracked up last year, Sonny was solidly in her corner and is also a long time friend of her dad's. Lulu is a loyal girl, but wow, Dante is really adorable and charming so, it could go either way.

I think Ronnie is right. Dante is going to like Sonny and find it hard to take him down and tear him away from his kids. But once he discovers Sonny is his own father, I can't decide who he will hate more, Sonny or Olivia.

Speaking of Olivia, wasn't it curious how her break up with Johnnie ended up with the two of them on the floor having rug burn sex? Seriously, willpower is totally overrated.

I laughed at things that weren't supposed to be funny this week on GH (as usual) such as when Robin and Patrick presented their theory to Jax and Olivia about Andrea Floyd. Olivia said "Let me go check the room and see what's missing."

Okay, that murder happened 2 months ago. Is the implication here that the maid that cleans that room didn't notice that gaudy statue was missing from the night stand? Or that the police who investigated the murder scene didn't ask probing questions to the staff like "Is anything out of place in this room?" I would assume that once the cops took down the police tape and cleared the crime scene new guests checked in. How sad! The new guests didn't even realize they'd been cheated out of an objet d' art in their room that could double as a murder weapon.

Of course Andrea Floyd eavesdropped on the entire conversation because Robin and Alexis had an extremely private conversation about a murderer who was on the loose with the door ajar.

Kind of like Johnny and Claudia having a loud conversation about Claudia being responsible for Michael's shooting outside his garage with the door wide open screaming it out into the street. Notice a trend? The people in Port Charles need to realize they aren't in a Cone of Silence when they talk.

Some random questions… Did anyone else notice a patch of Ethan's beard was missing? Does anyone else but me want to see Kiefer get his a** whooped? Did Jax ever think about ordering Carly a veggie pizza? Do any of you have sex on other people's sofas like Diane and Max do?

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Alexis think twice before having any more one night stands? Will Morgan get to the see the World Series in person, or on a TV in the prison visiting room? Will Ethan get back into Lulu's good graces by rescuing Luke from Helena? Will I ever figure out what the whole town is doing at that creepy carnival in the promos? Will we still see scenes shot at the country club once the snow begins falling in upstate New York?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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