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My baby's got a secret
For the Week of July 21, 2008
Johnny's baby Lulu had a secret, but then she told Johnny and Maxie, and then Maxie told Spinelli and then Spinelli told Jason, so now it's not much of secret anymore.
Johnny's baby Lulu had a secret, but then she told Johnny and Maxie, and then Maxie told Spinelli and then Spinelli told Jason, so now it's not much of secret anymore. Hey readers, did your Grandma teach you cool sayings like "What a terrible web we weave when first we practice to deceive."? Mine did. Apparently Grandma Leslie didn't teach Lulu, because she would have known to insist on the truth from the start. But, in a moment of crisis, people panic and make dumb choices, which many of us know firsthand. This one small lie has grown into something much worse than when it began. If the cops had shown up and seen the chopped down axe door, I think Lulu would have gotten along fine with the self-defense excuse. But now? It's too late baby, now it's too late…

Dear readers - I have tried many things to entice you to write to me over the years, but one surefire way to get you to fill up my email box is to make a mistake. Last week when I talked about Johnny and Claudia living in the Metro Court, many of you wrote to let me know I was a bonehead. I really did think it was part of the same complex, but now I know it's a building across the street; totally unrelated. Thanks for setting me straight. But c'mon, you can write to me even when I don't make a mistake! : I shall forevermore refer to that building as the Notro-Court.

Anthony knew something was amiss and had his thugs grab Maxie to try to scare her into confessing. She didn't break, but was so petrified after the ordeal that she went to find solace in the arms of…Spinelli. Tender-hearted Spinelli believed his fondest dreams had come true and that Maxie had suddenly realized she wanted him as a lover. After they had sex, Maxie took off, and Spinelli got all moony and daydreamed about true love. When Maxie called later and asked Spinelli to meet her, he read that call as a "she can't wait to see me again" call. He gathered up his book of Shakespeare sonnets and rushed to meet her, but got smacked upside the head with the hard brick of reality. Maxie regretted using him for sex. She apologized and swore it would never happen again, adding that it had been a horrible mistake. He was crushed.

Eli Love got crushed, too when Patrick landed a punch on his very pretty face after Eli pretended not to be with Anna after learning she was about to become a Grandma. And when Noah heard about the incident, he punched Eli again. That was an interesting punch, seeing as how both Eli and Noah are played by Rick Springfield. Since I know Rick Springfield didn't punch himself, let's imagine the casting call for that role… "Needed; tall lanky dude willing to wear a wig, who can react convincingly to a fake punch to the jaw. Note: You will only be seen from behind." The guy gets the part and has his whole family huddled around the TV "Look! Look! That's me! There is my shoe!"

Jason and Claudia briefly got arrested together for being in close proximity to her car and instead of separating them so they would be unable to concoct a cover story the way normal cops would do, the Barnum and Bailey Cops of Port Charles left them together in the "interrogation room" which is really the "visit anyone you want" room. Mac released Jason and was confused when he didn't hop up and leave right away. When Mac said they had fond the real killer, a panicked look crept across Claudia's face.

She didn't stay panicked for long though; Claudia agreed to meet Carly for lunch. Carly contacted Claudia to say she had a proposition for her. It's still disconcerting for me to see old Carly and new Carly together. Jeff, who pretends he doesn't watch GH calls Claudia "Real Carly." As in "Hey look, Real Carly and Fake Carly are having iced tea together." Carly's big plan was for Claudia to buy out Jax's shares in Crimson to get Jax away from Kate for good, plus Carly offered the added bonus of Claudia being able to seduce Sonny away from Kate. Jax walked in and busted Carly in the middle of her deal, and reminded Carly he was one strike away from prison since he covered for Jerry and doing business with Claudia would land him in the Klink.

Carly wants Jax out of Crimson because she thinks Kate is hitting on her husband. Can you blame her? Look at any billionaire playboy and see if they attend every gala and meeting of the plethora of companies in which they have money invested. No. Kate keeps coming up with reasons to have Jax jetting off with her to cocktail parties, leaving his wife and stepson who are still reeling over Michael alone while he's out schmoozing.

Kate had the brilliant plan of letting the press think she was sleeping with both Sonny and Jax to keep the buzz going about her magazine. I can just imagine if I came home one night and pitched that to my husband. "Hey Jeff, I have to pretend I am a total whore and get my photograph taken with my head in some other guys lap in the back of a limo as it will be really good for business." Somehow I think he would respond exactly like Carly did and demand I stop working for someone who asked me to compromise my reputation for the sake of money.(I just read this to him and he said… "How much money?" ) I can't help myself; I am firmly in the Carly camp. Kate is on my very last nerve. Sure, Carly sent the paparazzi to harass Kate and embarrass her, but in response Kate is now determined to break up Jax and Carly's marriage.

I hope Sonny dumps Kate. Maybe his new pal Boris Badenov will have a sultry Natasha like babe to dangle in front of Sonny as incentive. It's been a long time since we had some Russian bad guys in town. Maybe it's just me, but I find it hard to believe that Sonny would even consider such an offer. He just gave up his own organization which took him years to build, supposedly for the safety of his two healthy children. Good thing Morgan is taking karate lessons! Why would he put himself back in the line of fire by aligning himself with a mobster determined to upset the balance of power in his town? Why is it, if Sonny is so bored, that the concept of getting a job is that the bottom of his list of ideas? Geez Sonny, go to PCU and take some classes in criminal justice. Or work at Starbucks for the summer and go to coffee college so you can talk intelligently about beans and blends. (Side note… my sincere condolences to any of you who work at one of the 600 closing Starbucks locations.)

Not only do we have another mobster in town, we potentially have another bad doctor. Dr. Matt has been overheard making shady phone calls and having suspicious conversations with the likes of Jerry Jax. Is he really in on the drug scam or a good guy working undercover? It's hard to say, but something tells me Sam's limited sleuthing skills may not be enough to crack this case. Her fake fight with Lucky at GH had me wishing Epiphany would stomp in the break it up, but no such luck. If Matt ends up being Dr. Ian 2, I will be deeply annoyed.

My mental telepathy wasn't working at all this week in fact. When Lulu went into the police station with a gun, I kept telling her to get her hand out of her purse. Did she listen? No. I had to wonder how she made it inside. I thought "Hmm, doesn't the PCPD have metal detectors like most other police stations?" After all, Port Charles is not Mayberry; they have more than 2 cops with one bullet between them. Second, if Lulu somehow made it into the police station while armed, wouldn't any of the cops notice a nervous and jittery girl with her hand buried all the way down in the bottom of her handbag? She wasn't even remotely discreet. She would never be able to sneak her teacup poodle into a movie in her purse like my friend can. After Johnny's last visit from Trevor ended, Lulu rushed into the interrogation room to tell Johnny about her brilliant plan to bring him a gun. Johnny told Lulu to get out of there immediately and not let anyone see the gun, but before she had the chance to leave, Lucky barged in and Johnny grabbed Lulu's gun and pretended he was taking her hostage. Yeah, that will help his case Lulu, good plan all around. You two are totally made for each other!

What will happen tomorrow? Will Eli and Noah do the Patty Duke twin thing and jump out of doorways at each other? Will Eli adore a crepe suzette? Will a hot dog make Noah lose control? Will Morgan karate chop Kate next time she drops by unannounced? Will Maxie become frightened enough to do Spinelli again? Will it turn out that Lulu's gun is just a super soaker and they will all have a big laugh when Johnny squirts Lucky in the eye with hose water? Will Anthony say Lulu's name 10 times a day just because it makes me laugh every time he says it? Will Claudia tell Jason about the Bullwinkle incident?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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