Heaven may not recognize Emily when she finally settles into the afterlife once and for all. She suddenly has a new hair color. I didn't realize figments and hallucinations could get lowlights… Several of you have inquired as to why Nik suddenly decided to forego drug therapy and visions of Emily to have surgery. I assure you it had less to do with his horseback romp with Nadine and more to do with the fact that Natalia Livingston's contract is up in May, so they have to wrap it up.
I confess, quirky little Nadine and her clown purse full of puppets is growing on me. At first, I hated her on principle - some of my favorite characters like Alan, Skye, Lorenzo, Georgie, Dillon, Ned, etc. had been let go or left for lack of storyline. Then, ABC paraded in a bunch of new characters like Leyla and the extended pack of student nurses, Dr. Leo, the dude who was an Iraq War vet with a drug problem, and other flunkies whose names I don't know. I just got annoyed and hated them all. But time has passed and I have realized that my beloved characters aren't coming back as much as I wish they would and I have to deal with reality. I think in the stages of grief, that one is called "Acceptance." If Nikolas has brain surgery and remembers who Nadine is after the tumor is gone, I will be okay with the two of them spending time together. FYI, I used to have a purse like that back in college, but my BFF Betsy and I used it to sneak beer into the movies, not smuggle puppets to sick kids.
Dear readers, I really love your letters and this week my very favorite idea came from Marilyn Trabaccone. She said, "Wouldn't it be a great twist if Michael woke up from his brain injury and chose to be a Quartermaine the way Jason woke up from his and chose not to?"
Now THERE is an imaginative storyline! Imagine if Michael woke up, and insisted on moving in with Grandma Monica and Great Grandpa Edward and totally disassociated himself with Carly, Sonny, and Jason! Great thinking Marilyn, I hope TPTB read this column and fall in love with your idea as much as I did!
But sadly, Michael's currently not waking up to choose anything, period. Sure, he opened his eyes briefly in a reflex action, but that's about it. Let's hand it to Dylan cash for being able to lie still so long without fidgeting or flinching - I can't sit still for 30 seconds.
Jax flew in specialists and they are doing new tests on Michael, but initially they gave Carly the same opinion Patrick and Robin gave her. Michael may never wake up, and if he does wake up, "he won't be the same person…" which of course is true, since they fired Dylan Cash, so even if Michael wakes up some day, he really will NOT be the same person.
Sometimes I long for the Claire Labine days of GH. Hey Claire, are you out there? Any chance you can wrestle GH away from Guza? Personally, I could use a lot less MOB and a lot more ROMANCE. It's not a gender bias, trust me, heaven knows that Bill Bell was able to write romance brilliantly for Y and R - but Robert Guza is Mob obsessed and thinks we want to see shoot-outs all day. If I did, I would rent a box set of the Sopranos.
So, to top off Michael's shooting, we had Jason and Claudia cowering in a shack, and 20-Something Johnny shooting Sonny point blank in his living room instead of studying for his finals at PCU. GIVE IT A REST. The constant violence on GH is repulsive to me. I have loved ones in the military, some in Iraq. I see the news footage of real life shootings and bombings every night. I watch soaps to ESCAPE. Sure, I like heart wrenching drama, but after having a kid shot in the head followed another whole week of violence and gunfire, I wanted to tune out and watch reruns of I Dream of Jeannie or other such fluff.
So, as I mentioned, Jason and Claudia are holed up in some abandoned shack taking cover behind a wooden kitchen table against machine gun fire, and presumably bonding. (Hey, May be it's Mary Bishop's old cabin!) Jason, whose instincts have always been legendary, suddenly has no inkling that the woman he's protecting is the one responsible for Michael's shooting. I doubt he'd be trying to keep her alive if he knew she hired Ian Devlin to waste Sonny.
Last week one of my dear readers told me they didn't understand why I implied Jerry had a role in Michael's shooting. Well, I guess it's my own worldview. I grew up in church and I was taught that there were sins of commission (Things you say or do that you shouldn't have.) and sins of omission (Things you didn't say or do that you should have.) Jerry's is a sin of omission this time. He refused to put a gun physically in his hand, but once Michael was shot - he said nothing. If your child had been shot in the head, and your brother knew who did it and didn't tell you, wouldn't that upset you? When Jax finds out that Jerry knew about the hit on Sonny and didn't warn them and knew who shot Michael and didn't divulge it, I doubt he will feel too kindly towards his brother.
Now let's switch religions and move to Hinduism - I think Lulu generated some good Karma this week by covering for Maxie with Kate. I am certain she only did that because Spinelli was involved, but even so, I am proud of her. My husband who was pretending to read while GH was on, peeked over the top of his book while Maxie was in the Red Boob Dress and said "Wow, she's quite and actress" which I think is Guy Code for "Nice Cleavage."
Spinelli and Maxie's plan didn't work out as well as they hoped - their aim was to catch Dr. Devlin on the docks and to have Mac on hand to arrest him, but cyber-sleuth Spinelli was unable to uncover hard evidence. Instead, he opted to fake an illness of some sort to keep Ian from boarding some freighter to parts unknown. I hope Dr. Devin doesn't remove his appendix just to teach him a lesson.
Speaking of teaching people a lesson - Hey guys, if you think your pseudo Mother-in-Law is hot, don't say so out loud in front of your pregnant girlfriend. Un-Patrick's description to Coleman about how hot Anna was in her leather pants made me say Ewww. I reflected on all the guys I have dated in my life, and frankly, it's a healthy list… Did I *ever* think any of their dads were hot? Um…no. It's especially icky now that Anna is going to be Nana to Patrick's child. You have probably read on Soap Central's GH News page that the Patrick recast is only temporary; our beloved Jason Thompson will return May 3rd.
In news of the unexpected, we actually had a scene where Sam and Jason were civil to one another this week. Now that Liz and Jason are kaput - should everyone switch back to their original partners so Jason and Sam and Liz and Lucky can try for a second chance? I'm all for it. I don't think Lucky and Sam have much chemistry, and Jason and Sam were wonderful together for awhile. Of course at present they are pushing the Jason/Claudia pairing. Certainly Steve Burton and Sarah Brown had chemistry together in the past, but that's when she was CARLY. Now that she is Claudia and trying to kill Sonny, they will have a much harder time trying to sell that pairing, chemistry aside. About the time they kiss, Spinelli will find out she is connected to Ian and Jason will have to go to the dentist for a tooth cleaning to get her yucky germs out of his mouth.
Selfish jerk of the week award goes again to Sonny for several reasons - like dangling the idea of brotherhood in front of Ric in exchange for…being related? Um, no, in exchange for Doing What Sonny Wants. And Sonny has forbidden Max and Diane to date because... he knows they are second cousins? No, because they aren't Doing What Sonny Wants. Sonny dismissed his bodyguards, knowing someone is trying to kill him, and endangering everyone around him because he's Doing What Sonny Wants. And now, due to his stupid plan, he's been shot and is bleeding on his living room carpet. Sure hope he has StainMaster.
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Logan grow weary of being Anthony Zacharra's bodyguard and offer to tend bar at the Haunted Star? Will Lulu suddenly be hot for Spinelli now that Maxie has his heart? Will anyone ever find the stain on the Sacred Red Dress? Will Robin get one of those fake rocks or Pepsi cans to hide a spare key in for the next time she locks herself out? Will Nadine do a puppet show for Sheba? Will Jax and Sonny dump Kate and Carly if Brenda Barrett really comes back to town? Will anyone remember to water Lila's roses now that Alan is dead and Monica's in rehab? Will Dr. Devlin buy himself some budgeting software since he apparently already blew through the 10 Million Bucks Nikolas paid him?