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 Two Scoops: September 18, 2006 columns
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Are all butlers named Alfred?
For the Week of September 18, 2006
Batman's butler was named Alfred. Nikolas' butler is named Alfred. I have a cousin named Alfred, but he isn't a butler and you can call him Al.
Batman's butler was named Alfred. Nikolas' butler is named Alfred. I have a cousin named Alfred, but he isn't a butler and you can call him Al. Nanny McFreak decided that Alfred the butler was in her way this week and slipped him something poison. We haven't had a good poisoning since Faith Roscoe died. (Man, I miss her.) Alfred was a little too invested in helping reuniting former lovebirds Nikolas and Emily, so Nut-Job Nanny, the ever pasty Colleen, couldn't let that go unpunished. Thus Alfred had to fall. Colleen did manage to feign despair over Alfred's collapse to weasel a hug out of Prince Nikolas. Helena warned Colleen she should stop the classic literature romance novels dancing around in her brain and just stick to the plan. But Nanny McFreak has it bad for Nikolas and if she poisoned Alfred, who's to say she won't try to poison Helena, too?

I wish someone would poison Maxie. I wish she'd trip down the stairs on the docks and accidentally swallow Lucky's whole stash of pills and put herself (and us) out of misery and into some long Soap Coma where she wakes up next July as Robyn Richards again. Maxie must have had some serious work done, as after two heart surgeries, she doesn't even have a hint of a scar when she is bearing her entire chest in her Skanky tops. Maxie is so pathetic that she forced Lucky to do her before she gave him the pills. "You so ugly your Mama had to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you." I mean really, she had to bribe Lucky into sex with a baggie full of vicodin? Talk about low self esteem… Liz found Lucky's pill that rolled under the sofa. All I can say is she is a much better housekeeper than I am, there could be 50 pills under my sofa and I wouldn't find them until next time I move and some dudes carry the couch out of the house. Liz was packing to go, when Lucky burst in and gave her a shove which tossed her across the room. Hmmm. Lucky has never been violent with Liz before, but now, she's pregnant and ends up slumped on the floor? Cheap plot device, ay? I suspect she will have pains and have to go to the hospital and that's how Lucky will find out she is knocked up.

Quite frankly, I expected the writer's to pull that with the Lulu/Dillon storyline. Let's face it, many a pregnant woman has taken a tumble down the Quartermaine's spiral staircase and lost their baby. I figured they would dodge the abortion bullet and just have Lulu roll down the stairs and have Alice at the bottom step mopping up the bloody mess. I was wrong. They went for it, but oddly enough Lulu's only big concern was which outfit she should wear to abort her baby. Many of you have written me with your strong opinions for and against abortion. But let's keep things in perspective; this is a discussion about characters on a soap - pretend people with pretend problems. The bottom line to me is this - We should all be thankful. The only reason we have opinions or a voice to speak them is because our mothers didn't choose to abort us.

I really enjoyed the musical montage at the end of Friday's episode with all the characters lost in thought, considering the impact of Lulu's decision. The reality is that this unborn child affected a whole host of people before it even had a chance to take a breath. Edward was already counting on a new great grandchild, Dillon had already committed himself to love his child, and even Luke was sorry that Lulu had to make such a life impacting choice. I must say again, Julie Marie Berman has done an amazing job with this whole saga. Her angst, her fears, doubts and sorrows, were all bubbling at the surface, visible, and transparent. She is a fine young actress. Her scenes with Luke, and even her scenes with the back of Laura's head were stellar. Tony Geary was brilliant as well, but then again, he always is. There isn't an actor working today who couldn't learn something from Tony. He's it. He's the standard by which all other actors in daytime drama have to measure their worth. I would never have made the choice Lulu made, but the actors involved sure did move me and help me see and believe all sides of the issue. And hey, Lulu did put on a new outfit for the occasion, so she at least she looked cute doing it and her lip gloss was very shiny.

Carly wants very much to get her lips on Jax, but every time she puckers up, someone shows up at the door or one of her kids has a sudden desire for a drink of water, or an alien space ship lands in her yard (okay, I made that one up.) How frustrating! Have you ever felt as if the universe was conspiring to keep you from the one you love the most? So many stops and starts, so many unexpected things popping up keeping them from moving forward - and yet their love is strong and real and they both want it, so why, oh why, oh why can't they get everything in place and start living in harmony and bliss with one another?

Sadly, it's not going to get any easier, as Sonny has decided he doesn't want Carly to move on with Jax and is going to purposely throw a monkey wrench into any plan they come up with. Their only option may be disappearing, Hopping on a plane and flying to a 3rd location without telling anyone where they are going so all the people who wish to interfere have no choice but to leave them alone and let them live their lives. This is much easier for Jax and Carly than it would be for say you and me, as Jax has a private jet and billions of dollars and secret hideaways around the globe. The rest of us would have to get a job flipping burgers someplace and renting a trailer and taking a Greyhound bus to get to where we were going. But, if true love were on the line, the bus wouldn't be so bad, would it?

I'd like to put Sam on a bus right now and ship her off to…anyplace that would keep me from hearing her whine about her one night of passion with Ric. Every time she plays the victim card I want to slap her. Some women really are victims, and really have been taken advantage of, but Sam made a conscious choice to sleep with her step daddy and now she regrets it. Well Boo F'in Hoo. Every time they show the flashback (about 942 times now, I think) Sam looks like she was really into it, and sober enough to make an informed choice - this wasn't date rape. Hey Sam, it's a bit too late to act coy now. Poor Ric, he just doesn't have Sonny's luck with the ladies. Let's just hope that Ric didn't use Enduro Condoms, or Kristina may have a niece who is also her stepsister. That family tree is running out of branches.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Sam accuse Ric of stalking her when he goes into his own kitchen to get a cup of coffee in the morning? Will Lorenzo realize he can get back out of the mob again since Diego has vanished? Will anyone notice that both Diego AND Lucas vanished…at the same time? Will Colleen buy herself some self tanner now that it's on the End of Season Clearance table? Will Dillon use an Enduro Condom to do it with Georgie and get her pregnant now that he's all involved in the idea of being a Dad? Will Laura ever realize those sick nurses at Ferncliff keep changing the color and length of her hair? Will Maxie start her own infomercial to unveil the magical cream that erased two open heart surgery scars from her body?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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