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 Two Scoops: August 14, 2006 columns
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You're no good, you're no good, you're no good (Baby, you're no good)
For the Week of August 14, 2006
Maxie is a skanky ho. I tried to think of a nice way to say it- a way that wouldn't sound so vulgar and would make use of my vocabulary which contains actual multi-syllabic words.
Maxie is a skanky ho. I tried to think of a nice way to say it- a way that wouldn't sound so vulgar and would make use of my vocabulary which contains actual multi-syllabic words. However, after extensive research, I have concluded there isn't a way to describe a skanky ho in flowery words. A skanky ho by any other name is still a skanky ho. Maxie is not only sleeping with another woman's husband, she's also enabling his drug addiction by showing up with baggies full of pills round about the time she wants to get laid. It's pathetic and shameful, and it makes me very perturbed at the writers for making her so irredeemable. Maxie Jones, one of the key players in perhaps the most touching soap plot ever - the sweet little girl with the bad heart, is suddenly a conniving shrew. The lame explanation doesn't ring true - this isn't just a sad young woman mourning the death of her fiancée; her choices and behavior exhibit a distinct and concerted effort to destroy a marriage. Maxie is not only cheating, but she's being intentionally cruel to St. Liz (and Liz IS a saint in my book and I swear it's not just because when I take that "Which soap character are you most like?" quiz it said I was most like Liz.) and flaunting the affair in her face, twisting the knife in Liz's back. Sad. The writers wrecked a character we have been rooting for since she was a precious little girl. Now I see why they had to dump Robyn Richards, they didn't have the (BJ's) Heart to turn real Maxie into a skanky ho.

The fallout of this affair is going to have enormous impact. For those of you who hate spoilers, move along to the next paragraph. When you saw Liz show up at Jason's door looking oh so forlorn with her big sad beautiful eyes, and then pan to Jason sitting on his steps looking equally dismayed having witnessed Sam and Ric going at it in the living room on Alexis's sofa next to the door with a BIG GLASS WINDOW and open shutters - and thought to yourself "Hey, I bet Jason and Liz are gonna have 'comfort each other sex'!" - You were right. They are.

Ric and Sam have stopped basking in the afterglow of their tryst. Ric is buff and still shirtless cracking back shots of Jack; Sam is lazily lying about in her snow white nightie mentally beating herself up for having a quickie with her step daddy. Alexis witnessed the hook up as well, and is now wheezing and hacking with her Mysterious Coughing Disease in a corner of the Metro Court with Sonny while Kristina happily eats ice cream with invisible sprinkles which really should have melted by now.

When Jason saw Sam and Ric writing around on Alexis' sofa, he looked so crushed and heartbroken. This was somewhat confusing to me, being as how he has spent the last several months pushing Sam away and avoiding her like the plague. Hey guys, here's a clue, if you dump your girlfriend and tell her you can't be with her and won't spend time with her, or talk to her - SHE IS GOING TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. Jason doesn't really have any right to be hurt. Sam begged him to reconsider ending their relationship for months now, and he refused to budge. Sure, Sam still adores Jason, she's wild about him, but what good is your love if no one wants it and no one is willing to do what it takes to actually make the relationship work? What good is that love if the person you're trying to give it to won't or can't receive it? None whatsoever.

And, what good does it do if you find out you're pregnant and you can't tell the father of your bay? All you can hope for is that the local mob kingpin stops by and asks what's on your mind. Lulu is felling uber-lonely right now, and Sonny happened by with a sympathetic ear right at the right time, and offers of support. I had a bit of an EWWW moment when Lulu took her pregnancy test and then put the pee stick in her purse, without, say, a Ziploc bag around it, and then had her palms all over it while she was trying to shove it into her purse and then ate birthday cake without washing her hands. But, hey, that's just me.

In one of the week's most touching scenes, Lulu went to Shadybrook to talk to the back of Laura's head, that blonde wig that never moves, and told her about her pregnancy. Since Genie Francis is returning, I though that would have been a great time for Laura to have done SOMETHING - twitch a finger or tap a toe, but alas, not a twitch. On the up side, Julie Marie Berman is an exceptional young actress and emotes like a champ in every scene she's in. Lulu's fear and uncertainty was hanging on every word like drops of dew on a morning rose. A great piece of work.

Amazing the way the course of a life can change by something as simple as a power outage. The heat comes up, the lights go down, clothes fall off, and bodies entwine. It wasn't planned for, it wasn't expected, but it happened just the same. Ric and Sam took out their frustrations about Alexis by hooking up on her sofa, and Liz and Jason are headed in the same direction.

When you're hurting, you look for comfort - that's human nature - but that cheap comfort doesn't always solve the problem at hand, now does it? (Okay readers, I just want you to know that while I am trying to concentrate and write a very loud Mariachi band is playing in my neighbor's backyard. Someone just yelled Ay Ay Yi Ay. I am not making this up.) Anyway, back to GH - these couples who have reached out to someone in a moment of need may have gotten some instant gratification, but let's look at the big picture. Jason hates Ric and now Ric has had his grubby paws on Sam, and I fear Jason may not take so kindly to that thought dancing around in his head. And if Lucky isn't insecure enough about Liz flirting with Patrick, imagine how he'll feel if his wife beds the hot hit man? I hate seeing Liz hurt. She is definitely one of the kindest characters on soaps - her heart breaking makes our heart break, too. She's been working full time; dealing with a toddler, handling financial problems, fending off advances from Patrick, dealing with a drug addicted, cheating husband, and still smiling in spite of it. And she and Lucky are high school sweethearts and I hate to see them falling apart. But alas, Lucky brought it on himself, because say what you will, he was acting like an idiot before he got hooked on the pain pills.

Speaking of pills, what sort of pills did Jane Jax slip into Carly's iced tea to get her to hop up and fly to Africa to "save" Jax from some Skanky Gold Digging Ho? I thought this through pretty carefully… Which one of my ex-boyfriend's Moms could come running to me and say "Tammy, I need you to travel for 19 hours to help my son who dumped you callously and hasn't spoken to you for months…" and actually CONVINCE me to follow through with their lame brained plan? Um…None of them. Although if lame plot gets Jax back on the canvas, so be it.

Patrick has decided to go celibate. He says he isn't going to have sex with Robin, or anyone at all for 6 months. Poor Robin, she doesn't get involved with anyone for years, and then as soon as she finds a partner willing to make love to someone who is HIV positive, he decides to give up sex. Alannis Morrisette should add another verse to her song. Patrick is trying to be responsible with both of their health, and Robin understands. I like the 'softer, gentler' Robin who is kind, compassionate, and smiles a lot much better than the 'get into everybody's business and judge their choices' Robin.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Maxie's transplanted heart finally give out from being a giant hoochie? Will Michael remember those travel books Jason used to read him when he is in Africa? Will Sam get knocked up by the other brother; did Ric inherit the magic sperm? Will Liz pull Maxie's blonde locks out by the roots, or will Epiphany have to referee again? Will Sonny convince Lainey to give him private sessions in his living room so Lorenzo can't mock him for needing a shrink?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.



Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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