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 Two Scoops: June 5, 2006 columns
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Queer eye for the straight guy
For the Week of June 5, 2006
'I told him I wanted an HERB garden and he put in a ROSE garden! I can't crush rose petals in my spaghetti sauce!'
"I told him I wanted an HERB garden and he put in a ROSE garden! I can't crush rose petals in my spaghetti sauce!" I laughed so loud I bet people on the next block heard me. Has any mobster in history ever uttered a Girlier phrase? But the fun didn't end there, after the Herb Garden debacle, Sonny took a spin over to Jason's to pontificate on the dream of owning his own coffee plantations and franchising a bunch of "Sonnybucks" all over the world.

Sonny is losing his grip on reality and the effects are sometimes sad, (like when he's sitting in the dark moping with a bottle of Crown Royal) sometimes scary, (like when he was tossing his La-Z Boy around the living room.) and sometimes girlie and funny, (like fussing about rose petals in his pasta sauce.) and sometimes really confusing, (like Sonny talking about building a boathouse and a dock as in all the scenes we have had of his yard, I have never seen a lake or a river -why does he need a boathouse? And I would be remiss if I didn't mention Sonny's new weapon of choice, the wine bottle. "Max! Hurry! I see Manny in the corridor run down to the cellar and get me a bottle of Pinot Noir!" This week, he intended to club Nik in the head with a bottle of vino for giggling with Emily over klunking heads.

Sonny threatened Alexis, but doesn't remember, and he keeps asking people "Say, did you happen to hear me threaten to kill Alexis? What did I say? Did I tell her I was going to stab her or shoot her?" - Really, c'mon. It's like Elvis, back in the days when he was shooting his TV set and popping pills and his freeloader friends just sat by and watched him going crazy and did nothing. Sonny is in desperate need of an intervention from his dysfunctional friends and family. The two people who know how bad things truly are - Max and Emily, are both trying to cover it up. Sonny needs a doctor, but he isn't going to realize that on his own.

Speaking of doctors, the medical team at General Hospital is almost as out of control as Sonny. Dr. Lee left her prescription pad lying around on the nurse's station counter for Candy Stripers to pick up. Hormone crazed doctors are making open sexual innuendos to one another as if GH never had Sensitivity and Sexual Harassment Training. Also, if you ever need brain surgery, don't you hope your doctor isn't making out in the supply closet with his HIV positive girlfriend right before he operates on you?

Robin and Patrick finally consummated their union in what looked to me like Mary Bishop's old cabin - but I didn't see any carved wooden ducks, so maybe I was wrong. Jax and Carly showed up - apparently Jax owns a cabin we previously didn't know about - it wasn't Brenda's old cottage, so I don't know where it came from. And what are the odds, that Jax and Carly would visit this cabin we never heard of before at the exact moment that Robin and Patrick we doing it?

Hey! Did you guys know that Robin was HIV positive and that you need condoms and spermicidal jelly to sleep with an HIV positive person? And did I mention that Robin is HIV positive and that makes her high risk and that means she should insist all her partners use condoms and gel and also tell all their other partners that Robin is HIV positive. I know this because they mentioned it about 873 times in that one episode. I do appreciate that the writers are trying to be responsible and inform the public of the risks, but really, we got it the first 872 times. That last mention was just overkill.

There is such a wealth of mayhem this week; I can't even decide where to go next… How about Lucky kissing the underage Maxie with her Bonne Bell Lip Smackers on in a bar while accusing Liz of having a fling with Patrick? Or perhaps we should discuss Lulu aiding Diego in a car theft? Or Sam sneaking out of the hospital on several occasions, apparently without notice to throw herself at Jason who kept kicking her out- how low does your self esteem have to be to face that continual rejection? (I actually should know the answer to that one myself; as if I were Sam I'd probably be doing the same thing. But when I see *her* doing it, I think she's pathetic.) Let me also say that Sam is an idiot in other ways her hit man boyfriend offered her 5 million bucks and she ripped up the check… Oh please, someone, anyone, offer me 5 million bucks to go away. I will. I promise. I will go really far away, like to the south of France or Jamaica.

I also got a laugh out of all the people talking about Jason "finally running the show." Does anyone but me recall that Jason ran the show a long time ago when Sonny took a sabbatical to the island for an extended period of time? This may be his first solo gig, but he has played Guest Host in the past. He is dead set against taking Sam back, which has caused her to cry yet another river of tears. First she cried for months over Jason's brain tumor, then over Manny's trial, then over finding out Alexis was her Mom and now over Jason leaving her. She hasn't gotten to crack a smile in like 6 months.

In another kooky turn of events, Luke hires Coleman to get some thugs to rob the Haunted Star as Tracy has frozen his assets. Sadly, the thug he hired is the out of control trainee thug Diego - and since Lulu is in the house and seems to recognize him - I smell trouble up ahead. Can you imagine the showdown between Coleman and Lorenzo?

Let's talk about lurkers… Helena is lurking around near baby John, and that makes Jax nervous. Jax changes his mind about Nikolas seeing Baby John more times than I do when trying to choose something from a dessert menu. Manny is lurking in hospital closets, again highlighting the fact that GH has lousy security.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will someone tell Dr. Lee that there is a difference between Liz Taylor and Liz Spencer? Will Carly make that "BLECH" sound again that Lucy makes when Snoopy licks her next time Jax mentions Robin? Will Liz ever learn to cook anything besides Brownies? Will Coleman remember Jason told him "No underage girls?" or will he keep letting Lulu and Maxie wander into his bar? Will the hospital staff keep leaving fully stocked drug carts in front of the elevators so anyone getting on or off can help themselves to a stash of pills?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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