Due to circumstances beyond her control, Tamilu was unable to provide a new column this week. In its place is an encore column from one year ago this week.
Hey! Wardrobe! Change Emily's sweater!
I remember making fun of this song when it came out, and yet I've found myself humming it this week every time I see Emily;
"If you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away
Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked
Lying on the floor I've come undone"
While I do not desire to see Emily naked, I do want to hold the string that will unravel that ugly, baggy, dirty brown sweater. Okay, we get that she's depressed and unnerved from the rape, but c'mon, wouldn't all of her concerned friends be nagging her to change her clothes while they try to persuade her to get counseling??? Or con her into taking a hot bath and burning the sweater while she's in the tub? Or "accidentally/on purpose" spilling their latte on her sweater so she is forced to change?
I had a sweater I refused to change for a long time when I was 15 - I had been at a campfire on vacation in Canada and some hunky 17 year old boy kissed me by the campfire and I wouldn't take the sweater off when we went back home because I could smell the campfire and his bad Brut by Faberge cologne and it also had S'mores marshmallow residue on it and I hadn't been kissed before so it was a Very Significant Sweater. When my Mom snuck it into the laundry, I was pissed, but I got over it and so will Emily. Hopefully Lucky's sense of smell was damaged when he was in a coma, as that sweater has to reek by now. Let's have a countdown, like the Iran Hostages - "Dirty Sweater - Day 17" I think the reason she pulled the gun on the guys roughing up Sam was because her own stench was making her lose oxygen to her brain and asphyxiating her.
While I'm commenting on wardrobe, may I also point out that in my lifetime, I have never been to the doctor to find her wearing a shiny gold lamay skirt under her medical coat. Rachel can go from examining a child with measles to table dancing without even having to stop by Courtney's place to change outfits! Coleman could make a fortune off of her. I'm glad that Jax is savvy enough to know she's up to something, but quite frankly, most men wouldn't be. No offense guys, but women can always spot another woman scamming before the guys catch on. I guess with Faith gone and Helena on the loose, we need a good "love to hate" villainess, and I think we're going to have two - Rachel and Bridget are both shaping up to be the sort of girls that make you want to throw stuff at the TV. They should make spongy bars of soap for women like they make spongy footballs for men to throw at the TV when some bulky dude drops with shoulder pads intercepts a pass. (Go Chargers!)
So, Prince Charming is hitting the sauce? I guess that's better than the torturous year when he was hooked on pills and had to move into that Crack Alley apartment and eat out of trash cans. I don't suppose Alan will be able to chastise AJ for running Jason's head into a tree anymore now that he has had his own drunken hit and run. Luckily for him, Tracy, a less scrupulous Quartermaine was around and got him to ignore his impulse of decency to turn himself in and had Dillon and Diego roll his car over the bluff.
Sam looks like she was rolled over the bluff- I have never seen instant bruises before! A few weeks ago, I was running across my choir's rehearsal room, and caught my cute toe sandal in my groovy bell bottoms and fell flat on my knee. (My cousin Mary told me that is what happens when 44 year olds try to dress like they did in the 70's.) It was extremely painful. Kind men ran and got ice for me, and I spent the night sitting down singing with a hefty bag full of ice on my knee. It was very red, and scratched up. The NEXT DAY, it was purple and remained so until about two days ago. Sam, on the other hand was roughed up by some of the Sandoval Family Goons, and by the time she got back to Jason's had those purple/yellow bruises that usually takes you 3-4 days to develop, and the stiffness that doesn't set in until overnight, too. But hey, she got Jason to undress her, so it served its purpose.
Speaking of serving a purpose, inventing a new crime family serves a purpose, - as in Sonny and Jason wouldn't have anyone to gun down if the Sandoval's hadn't magically emerged. Had anyone heard of them before? Faith blew away the 5 families last year, so what...are the Sandoval's the little known SIXTH family???? And they chose Jax's new hotel as their Mob Lunch Headquarters? Wow, what trendsetters! Not to mention the fact that they paid cash to have rent out the whole place, and didn't even bat an eye when Jax, Courtney and Rachel were seated to dine. I mean would Sonny have put up with it if the Quartermaine's showed up at The No Name for dinner when he and the guys had private business to discuss and had paid to rent the entire joint? And lest we forget, one of the intruders was Sonny's sister, and the Sandoval's were supposedly plotting to take Sonny down? But you know me; I always pay attention to the details as I am a big geek.
Know who else is a Big Geek? Maria. I just want to admit here to the world that I am tremendously shallow. If a rich, good at heart, mobster came to me and said "Tamilu, you have worked hard all your life, I want to take care of you. Why don't you just quit and take it easy for awhile and I'll support you." I wouldn't ask him how he made his money. I wouldn't think about how many people he killed. I'd say "You're on, honey" and start shopping for a hotel suite with room service that rents by the month. Mind you I may feel horribly guilty about it later, but I'd take him up on it just in case I didn't. Not Maria, she refused his "Dirty money" and is committed to being a hostess at what is now a very bloody restaurant strewn with dead mobsters.
Speaking of mobsters, Jason's brain damaged kicked in big time Friday. Most days he is very lucid, but apparently upon hearing that Courtney was dining where the big mob shoot out was to occur, he forgot about the existence of cell phones. He also seemingly forgot the fact that if he and Sonny could be connected to the impending violence they'd be John Durant's B*tches for the next 25 to life. I am certain Jason has Courtney on speed dial, so why not just a call "Hey Courtney, get your butt out of there right now and don't ask any questions" which would have taken much less time than running by foot across Port Charles and placing yourself in the exact location you weren't supposed to be in. An alibi only works if you use it, moron.
Sonny is sitting front and center at the dedication of the playground to Michael while John Durant uses the occasion to further his agenda, and is controlling himself remarkably well, as its clear John needs to be punched really hard in the face for using this occasion as a political opportunity. Michael of course, does not know there is a playground being dedicated to him as some poison something bit him (A local breaking news alert prevented me from seeing WHAT bit Michael) and now AJ is debating whether or not to call for help as Michael is unconscious and has a very high fever. Morgan and Kristina are playing with balloons, Alexis is peeved that she didn't get her way, Ric is getting more wonderful by the day (I love it when he loves Sonny, don't you?) and Carly is seeing visions of Michael that go from black and white to color like her house just fell on the wicked witch and her brain landed in Oz.
What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Lucky and Elizabeth start wearing matching sweaters in a show of solidarity with Emily? Will Mike be peeved they couldn't wait and hold their ceremony after he got released from the hospital? Will Diego ever grow on me? Will Reese get a job waitressing at Kelly's when she gets canned from the FBI for falling for a criminal? Will Lorenzo's patience hold out as Carly works through her issues before she can commit herself to him wholly? Will Alan figure out a way to explain to Monica that his car disappeared and he had to buy a new one but didn't report the car theft to the police? Will anyone get my Prince Charming reference?
Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.