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 Two Scoops: July 18, 2005 columns
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The household supplies of criminals
For the Week of July 18, 2005
Lorenzo has duct tape. Not one roll of duct tape, not a few rolls of duct tape, but an entire giant box of duct tapes.
Lorenzo has duct tape. Not one roll of duct tape, not a few rolls of duct tape, but an entire giant box of duct tapes. What would he do with that much duct tape if there weren't a freakishly uncommon hurricane in upstate New York? Would he use it to kidnap people and bind them to folding chairs? Is that the way he used to keep Sage in her bedroom before her untimely Scooby Doo-ish demise? Do he and Carly play games we don't even want to think about? Does he have to tape down the furniture on his yacht so it stays in place in rough seas? I'm dying to know why one man had a massive cardboard box full to the brim with rolls of duct tape. It haunts me day and night ever since I saw it.

You'd think a guy with that much duct tape would know how to use it, but when he and Sonny were taping giant X's on the window frames, I kept thinking, "The glass will blow right through that, you morons." But, let's face it; they aren't really holding "Hurricane Preparedness Classes" in Port Charles at Kelly's Diner, now are they? (I am so old I still want to call it Ruby's)

The other astounding thing about Lorenzo's estate was the stables. WHO KNEW Alcazar had horses? Mind you, we didn't SEE horses, and we can imagine it must not have SMELLED like horses or the whole town wouldn't have been using the barn as their "after party" location, but we did HEAR horses. Well, sort of. What we actually heard I think was Kristina's See and Say making horse-like noises - every now and then a random far off whinny danced into earshot. They must have muted the "The Horse Says........." part right before the horse sound.

Nikolas is used to horse smell; we actually did know he had horses, although Sheba has gone the way of Rosie, not even a mention anymore. And, of course, after seeing Tyler Christopher in Spielberg's fabulous mini-series Into the West, we know he can actually ride a horse, too. Thus, it's not unlikely that he would hang out in the barn with Courtney, who even after a car crash is more fun than Emily on a good day. He'd be able to ignore the horse smell and random whinnying noises just to spend an hour with a chick that has a personality.

Speaking of personality, what happened to Lucky's? Good Lord - testosterone has an awful effect on men sometimes. And I usually don't man bash, but today I must, because every woman watching GH this week had to be saying an "MMMM Hmmm" to herself. Jax and Courtney approached Liz about being a surrogate Mom for them. She ASKED Lucky about it, and Lucky SAID he'd be fine with it. But alas, when it actually happened, he was NOT fine with it. Liz has rightly reminded him a few times "You know, I did ASK you if this would be okay, and you SAID it would..." Well, don't feel bad Liz, we've all been THERE before. From something lame like "Is it okay if I spend 20 bucks on a pedicure?" "Sure, honey, go right ahead." Then 3 days later you hear "Well, if you weren't wasting all our money on pedicures, we could buy a house!" To something much more significant, like "Can I be a surrogate Mom for our infertile friends?" "Sure honey, if that's what you want it's fine with me." To the screaming immature tantrums Lucky has thrown all week now that Liz may already be pregnant with Jax's baby... Oddly enough, I have a hunch Courtney could be pregnant, too, what with the dizzy spells and moodiness and all. Wouldn't that be beautiful disaster?

I must confess, even though I still don't like NuCarly, I was almost rooting for her this week because Reese is being such a b*tch. When Reese came to town and was a Fed who found kidnapped kids, I liked her. She was tough and smart and focused. She saw Sonny for what he is, a criminal, but a man with enough good qualities to redeem him, and Reese tried to redeem him and help him get out of the mob. I liked her then. I respected her. But now that she's turned into a grudge holding cat, I can't stand the sight of her anymore. She's the reason most of my close friends are men. I can hardly wait for NuCarly to tell Sonny who she is and bust her for lying. But, OTOH, I can't bear the thought of poor Lorenzo getting his heart stomped on.

I'm reading possibly the funniest book I've ever read, courtesy of my daughter Sarah, ("The Sweet Potato Queens Book Of Love" and I'll warn you up front, it's raunchy, so the easily offended should steer clear.) It had a chapter entitled "The 5 Men Every Woman Needs In Her Life At All Times" and the theory is that 1 man can't possibly meet all our needs, so you need 5 men to make 1 satisfactory guy. The list of 5 includes: 1) A Man Who Can Fix Things 2) A Man Who Can Dance 3) A Man Who Can Pay For Things 4) A Man You Can Talk To and 5) A Man To Have Sex With. So as I see it, Carly already has 3 - A Man You Can Talk To - Jason. A Man Who Pays For Things - Lorenzo. 3) A Man To Have Sex With - Sonny. Even though they aren't having sex now, we know they WILL have sex again, that's really the only thing they do well together.

But that was just a side comment - my real thought is: WHO GOES TO A FUNDRAISER COCKTAIL PARTY IN A HURRICANE AND TAKES THEIR BABY AND HIS NANNY? When Leticia came down and said "Mr. Corinthos, Morgan needs you!" I thought...huh? And sure enough, there was Morgan. Sonny and Reese trotted in to rescue him. As soon as I saw Reese pick up the baby, I knew a volcano was about to erupt. I used to think she actually liked Sonny's kids and was actually missing her won son and trying to use her maternal instincts for good, but knowing she's a big fat liar makes everything she does suspect.

Speaking of suspects, I had to involve my husband Jeff in the soap biz this week, which he loathes. But as a child, he watched Mr. Wizard, and I watched Mr. Ed the talking horse, so I needed some Mr. Wizard info and had to go crawling to him... "Honey" I said very sweetly so he wouldn't see it coming, "What would happen to a light bulb if someone took a hypodermic needle and filled it up with liquid?" He put on his stern voice; "Why would someone DO that, Tammy?" as if I was in the bedroom conducting my own experiments. I had to confess, even knowing the eye rolling would begin "Well, on my soap, some bad guy came in and filled up a light bulb with a hypodermic needle full of fluid." He rolled his eyes and sighed. "If the liquid was water, when the light comes on, it will just fizzle out and the light will go off, but if it's something combustible, like gasoline, when the light goes on, it will explode, like a bomb." And boy was he right. When the light came on the place exploded, and thankfully Jesse saw it before it blew and threw Maxie out the door, Good Lord are they trying to give her another hear attack? After the kids returned home, Murphy was mysteriously loose from where they handcuffed him - who let him go? Another mystery.

And on a gossipy note, we have one mystery that we think is over, but isn't. Michael killed AJ, right? Or did he? We have some unfinished loose ends around the corner, concerning one of our Missing in Action players who was originally a big part of the AJ Murder storyline. But, I'll stop there as some of you like to be surprised.

I was very happy to see some face to face time for Ric and Alexis this week; I'll be crushed if their baby dies. I am so involved I almost want to pray for the fake baby. (Yes, I know I am nuts.) I am still rooting for the two of them to reconcile. If two people from such dysfunctional families and sordid pasts can make it, then I guess there is hope for the rest of us. I am still naïve enough to hope for true love. I get happy when the right people end up together.

On a side note, I'd like to apologize and explain -I haven't been answering my mail as promptly as usual, I am in the middle of packing to move and my free time is now non-existent. I'll try to catch up after I move. In the meantime, thank you all for your wonderful warm letters, they truly brighten up my days, and I'm sorry for not getting back to you promptly.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Lorenzo ever be able to get the duct tape and broken glass out of his carpet? Will Jax end up being a single Dad after Courtney dumps him for Nikolas? Will Emily realize she looks too harsh without bangs and stop clipping her bangs flat to her head? Will we ever see Lorenzo's horse? Will anyone ever put up the Amber Alert for the missing child with a very high voice who is hiding and living at Sonny's house? Will I ever find enough boxes to hold all the crap I've collected over the years?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.



Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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