I go away for two weeks - all hell breaks loose in Port Charles, and I missed it. Mind you, they do have TV's in Akron, Ohio and Port Charlotte, Florida and at Reasonably Priced Interstate Motels in between, but my family would have frowned upon me traveling 3000 miles to visit them and then watching soaps, so I had to wean myself. (Besides, I actually love them and wanted to spend every possible minute adoring them.) My Tivo did its faithful duty and recorded 30 hour of my can't miss TV shows, (including the cheesy "Hit Me Baby One More Time" where mediocre singers from the 70's and 80's make utter fools of themselves in hope of a comeback) but having just stepped off a plane where some Woman of Questionable Upbringing felt it acceptable to change her baby's poopy diaper in the seat directly behind me rather than walking her lazy a** to the bathroom with a changing table in the back of the plane, I was nauseated and my body is still in the wrong time zone and I didn't get around to watching the 10 hours of GH required to catch up. I only buzzed through last week's episodes and have gathered the following:
*Reese is a big phony with a now dead husband and a secret past that links her to Carly.
*Liz is going to carry a baby for Jax and Courtney.
*Emily finally got it on with poor sex-starved Nik.
*Diego has moved in with Lorenzo to some new lush apartment (or was his hotel suite remodeled?)
*Georgie almost died but then didn't, but I don't know how. Maxie is still really sick. The chick who took over the role of Felicia when ABC was too cheap to reward Kristina Wagner's 20 some years in the role and put her on contract for this storyline is saying her lines but I'm not listening, and Mac and Bobbie are doing their best to play this storyline out with a bunch of imposters.
*Alan is still doing his best Mr. Potter imitation as a bitter old man in a wheelchair trying to run Bedford Falls (a.k.a Port Charles) and John Durant was ready to be his sidekick until an untimely bullet to the back came along. An alleged "bad cop" is the shooter, although he's pretty cute so he can't really be bad. He is so cute in fact that Maxie, even on her deathbed can't resist flirting with him. Durant's surgery was botched and he's blaming Bobbie for purposely botching it just because he's trying to steal Michael away from Carly. And hey, I hope Bobbie DID botch his surgery, she deserves a nice meaty storyline.
*Sonny is learning to trust Ric. Jason is peeved about it. I sense a disturbance in The Force. Jason taking Carly's side over Sonny's in the bog Reese Penthouse Debate, and Jason's asking Michael where he wants to live- seems it's stacking up to have a falling out between Jason and Sonny, or it could be jet lag and fumes from poopy diapers making me imagine things.
*Reese's switch from FBI agent gone soft to "Had an agenda all along/had plastic surgery to change my appearance" chick from Carly's past seems like the writers backed themselves into a corner and didn't know where to go with her character. It's okay though, as Carly doesn't look like she used to either, I mean when we heard about Carly Roberts, it was from Sarah Brown, so maybe they both had some work done.
*Luke, Tracy, Skye, Coleman and now Big Alice continue to provide comic relief, and there's a lot of chemistry in that room. I really enjoy Luke and Tracy's antics, but I keep rooting for poor Skye to have at least ONE happy ending, I really LIKE her and I want her to get the guy and be happy at least once, and I can't really see Coleman being the guy, but hey, with a rumored drifting apart of Em and Nik, maybe Skye can snag Nik on the rebound, he doesn't drink much, and she's already accustomed to insane relatives so Helena wouldn't be a deterrent for her.
Next week I'll have a real column, and please forgive the brevity of this one, I'm still on vacation for 3 more hours until the stroke of midnight and I am milking it for all it's worth.
What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Courtney ever gather a Jug O' Sperm for Liz? Will Jody stop sucking helium before tapings? Will anyone notice Brook Lynne vanishing into the Lucas Vortex as Diego becomes more smitten with Maxie and forgets he has a girlfriend? Will Carly remember she is married to Lorenzo and cease obsessing over who Sonny is sleeping with? Will Alan wheel himself over to the Pharmacy and get himself some Prozac? Will any of the parents of the formerly kidnapped children ever spend any time with their kids now that they are home?
Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.