Skunk in a blender
For the Week of January 17, 2005
Other Two Scoops for the week of January 17, 2005
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I was briefly tempted to start on a positive note, but why mess with success? That dress Lois was wearing Friday was the ugliest piece of clothing I have ever seen in my life.

I was briefly tempted to start on a positive note, but why mess with success? That dress Lois was wearing Friday was the ugliest piece of clothing I have ever seen in my life. I would walk stark naked in Buffalo in January rather than have to wear the hideous thing. If I were Lesli Kay and the costume department came striding towards me with that wretched item on a hanger, I would have locked myself in my dressing room for 3 days fasting and praying for God to intervene to keep that monstrosity from ever touching my skin. Even the chicks on Laugh In in the 60's wouldn't have worn that dress, and it might have almost been in style back then. It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. Maybe she was on the guest list of Prince Harry's "Bad Taste Costume Party"? That dress looked like that old riddle from when I was 5 "What's black and white and red all over? (Skunk in a blender.) That was definitely "Skunk in a Blender" dress. Please, banish it so I do not have to behold the horror of it ever again.

If Lorenzo didn't already have a reason to dump Lois, he does now. Would YOU be caught dead with anyone who was wearing a dress like that? Besides the dress, Lois was stalking him, sitting in his apartment waiting to pounce on him when he came in. Lurkers are just plain creepy. Thus when Carly burst in blurting things about Lorenzo killing Mary, Lois and her ugly dress were very shocked and disturbed. But whether it was the confirmation that Lorenzo was actually a criminal, or just a glimpse of her own reflection that got Lois so upset, we will never know.

I like Carly and Lorenzo together. I hope they get stuck in more elevators together or at least play a few rounds of backgammon. Carly and Lorenzo suffer a common fate, they are two people smitten with one another and who are good for each other and who are always glad to be in each other's company but for some stupid reason don't admit it, or act on it, at least not in a way that gets them to Happily Ever After. Maybe this time will be different. And even when Carly was Ric's hostage in the panic room she dressed better than Lois.

Carly had to sneak into the hospital lab in Julia Robert's Pretty Woman wig ( before she unveils the long auburn hair to Richard Gere) and tamper with the lab results to make sure Lorenzo's DNA didn't come back on the evidence in Mary Bishop's death. Does that mean she; A) Loves Lorenzo, B) Loves Steven, or C) Loathes her father? Maybe all of the above, maybe none of the above, but I can hardly wait to see the scene where she confronts John Durant about meddling in her life.

Someone is meddling in Sonny's life, too - but we don't know who it is- the ever popular "Faceless Glove Wearer" who (again with the lurking!) skulks around Sonny's new house installing cameras and rolling behind doorways when anyone enters. Who this person is, who they are working for and what there agenda is we do not yet know. But (Beware of Spoilers) we do know that Sonny's kids are going to be kidnapped soon, so we can assume said kidnapper is the one behind the lurking. I know who the kidnapper is, but for you purists who don't want to know a baby's sex before it's born and don't want to know what happens on a soap until it happens; I will refrain from mentioning the name.

Hooray for Jordan. She made it to the island, got the customary Dress and Jewelry, yet managed to shake herself free of the spell and declined the Full Casino Experience with Sonny. And, Michael hid his shells from her, so she won't be getting those either. I am a little curious about how long an infant can swim, Leticia and Morgan were at the beach swimming for a really long time - and frankly after the whole tsunami thing I'd be a little afraid to let my baby be that near the ocean for that long, not to mention with a Nanny who is notorious for losing the children. But, hey, that's just me.

Helena is slinking about town and found an ally in...Coleman? Coleman may be sleazy, but not Helena material. He caved and let Emily go rather than kill her. He even let Em conk him on the head with a gun to make it look convincing. I only hope she didn't mess up his hair. I like his hair, it's so shiny and silky and I want to touch it. I realize that makes me sound like a psycho stalker or a lurker, and I am not. I would only touch if invited. My hair is so full of product at present that if anyone touched it they would need power tools to free their hand from the sticky hairspray glue vortex. But it looks really cute. : Anyway, Helena will be severely annoyed with Coleman about Emily's escape, so I am guessing he may be first on her hit list, followed by Tracy and then Emily. Helena strikes me as a "save the best for last" kind of girl, savoring the beauty of her wickedness, wallowing in her evil schemes with great delight.

Personally, the thing I am savoring this week is Jason and Sam. WOW. I love them together. Unconditional Love is precious - the "Yes, I know what you do for a living and choose to love you anyway" is pretty amazing. And not just if you're a hit man, having anyone truly know us, flaws and all and choose to stay is always a miracle. Jason and Sam made love, AND Jason proposed marriage, all in one week! Of course, at the same time Jason is proposing to Sam, Bridget is across town telling Courtney she wants to take her baby back from Sam. But hey, since Jason and Sam are finally doing it, they can have their own baby anyway. A few of you wrote me to say you wish you had seen more of the love scenes, but my guess is that Steve Burton is a married man, and a man of faith, and may not have wanted to 'flaunt it' on TV - which I applaud and respect. Or perhaps the producers wary of getting some "Janet Jackson's Nipple" Fine opted to keep the love scenes PG. This is also fine with me. I have a wonderful imagination and don't need to see the act to know what is going on. Not to mention that many of the people who write to me each week are children who are most likely too young to even watch a soap, as they ask me "Dear Abby" kind of questions like "I saw Dillon kissing Georgie, does that mean a baby will grow in her belly now?" ... Imagine what questions they would ask me if they had actually seen sex scenes? I shudder to think about it.

I also shuddered when Alexis discovered that Ric knew about Kristina's paternity before he got involved with her. Hey everyone- Kristina WAVED this week! She moved! She really isn't just a lifelike doll! But, she may be the child of an ABC exec as one astute reader suggested, because I still do not see any acting spark. Other kids started at her age and actually appeared very lifelike. She's beautiful though; a very lovely little girl who just never moves or speaks. Alexis and Ric have split for the time being, although they are still being civil to one another. I predict they will be able to work out their misunderstandings as long as Alexis doesn't borrow any clothes from Lois.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Lucky bond with Cameron? Will anyone buy Brooke a copy of "He's Just Not That into You" after Diego goes without calling another week? Will Lois get Hazard Pay for having to wear that psychedelic 60's thrift store reject dress on national television? Will Helena decide Connor is a darned good body double and adopt him as her surrogate grandson? Will Courtney stop being a big fake whiny baby over Jason moving on since she has been sleeping with Jax for months now?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.

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