To Althea, From Prison
For the Week of December 6, 2004
Other Two Scoops for the week of December 6, 2004
Previous Week
November 29, 2004
Following Week
December 13, 2004
Emily said very funny things, although no one laughed. She said lines that made me wish I recite as MP3's because they just sound so funny.

Anyone who has ever taken an English Literature class knows what this week's title refers to - a romantic poem by Richard Lovelace written while he was imprisoned circa 1642. The final verse says this:

Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage;
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage;
If I have freedom in my love
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone, that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty.

A truly lovely poem, and an idealistic sentiment - I adore the poem. But let's face it - stone walls and iron bars DO a prison make.

Emily did not seem to grasp that concept as she pranced about this week as though chirping birds and talking mice were sewing sashes on her gown and she doesn't realize it's nearly midnight. She waltzed about as though she didn't have a care in the world, although her carriage won't turn into a pumpkin, but a squad car instead. Emily said very funny things, although no one laughed. She said lines that made me wish I recite as MP3's because they just sound so funny. Please, please after I write them, say them out loud to yourself or make someone else read them to you with great emotion.

"I don't CARE what happens tomorrow! Today I am going to be Mrs. Nikolas Cassadine! Sure, I know my new husband will be shackled up and hauled off to life in prison right after we consummate our marriage, but really, as long as I get to walk down the aisle looking like a fairy princess and staring adoringly at Nik - today - spending the WHOLE REST OF MY LIFE alone is way WORTH it!"

Did she snort something? Did the writers share their crack with her? Emily is supposed to be 20 years old (We were told she was born in 1984 back when Monica adopted her, so that would make her 20 in real years - not sure what that is in soap years.) And at 20, she has opted to marry someone who by all outward appearances is going to prison for murdering his Grandmother for life. Have you really thought this through Em? Did you get some Stepford Wife brain chip implant that would cause you to be okay with marrying a dude who's headed to Sing Sing (Shameless Tribute to Kin Shriner) for 33 or more years? Perhaps I've gotten cynical in my old age. Once upon a time I would have said "Oh! How romantic! It must be True Love!" but now- I just think she's a moron. My husband Jeff has a better sense of romance than Emily. Last week was our 16th anniversary and he got a book called "Best Places to Kiss in Southern California" and mapped out 16 of them, one for each year, for us to drive to, kiss and be photographed. Much better choice than marrying a guy who's on his way to life in prison, don't you think? :

Emily may not be thinking clearly, but at least she's not insane. She knows her name and didn't wake up one day thinking she was Elizabeth, for instance. Heather, however, is convinced she is Laura and is married to Luke. Oh writers, writers, writers. Why? I just don't get understand. One week, you have a powerful storyline of dying babies, grieving Mom's stem cells, high emotion - so beautifully crafted, such a complete and moving set of stories, and then? Kaboom. Back down to the bargain basement soap crap like Heather suddenly thinking she's Laura and Skye hallucinating child ghosts from some acid trip, and Durant finding the bug that was planted in his hotel room with a quick finger sweep. You'd think if people didn't want bugs to be found EVERY SINGLE TIME, they would do something to disguise them, like those Teddy Bears that have video cameras in them, or the fake rocks you can hide your key in outside your house, or those pretty little cases where you can hide tampons in your evening bag. But no, Jason just stuck a listening device on the mantle without any attempt to make it look like something other than a bug. Jason could have just picked his nose and covered it up with a boogar - NO ONE would touch something with a boogar on it.

Heather thinks she is Laura, and Luke is somehow able to read her insane and cryptic clues to track down Skye. He arrives just as she is about to jump off a ledge after being taunted by a ghost child - some "Ghost of Christmas Child You Never Had" and rescues her. Laura, however, is still imprisoned somewhere, and the only clues we have are the random person calling Skye's cell phone which Heather had possession of for quite awhile. Rumors are swirling that Tony Geary is going to leave GH - not for one of his extended vacations, but for good, and for real. Sources say Genie Francis may come back for two months to give them "closure" But none of this is confirmed yet. While I'd love to see Genie, the thought of a Luke and Laura-Less Port Charles is very unappealing. Luke is the reason I got hooked, and stayed hooked for all these years. And while I'm on the topic of losing great actors, I have to say that letting John Ingle go as Edward Q was a really, really, really bad decision. But I will address that further in my year end wrap up, no need to rant about it now.

Jax is going to rebuild the Port Charles Hotel and name it after Courtney, and hey -isn't that the dream of every girl? To have a hotel in some mid-sized city named after her? Will people know it's because Jax loves her, or will they think... Well, if I saw some hotel named after one of my friends, my immediate reaction would be "Damn girl, you must have been on fire last night!" Courtney will have her hands too full to get too involved in the rebuilding process though, as she has opted to keep Diego in spite of his recent jaunt to Mexico. You'd think that decision would be in the hands of Children's Services, I mean, she lost her foster child and he left the country. Where is Maxine Gray when you need her? Why hasn't Diego been removed and placed in the care of someone vaguely responsible?

Sam dragged her sad little self to Nik and Emily's wedding and after a brief encounter with a champagne tray, Sam got drunk enough to have an excuse to kiss Jason. He was not drunk, and didn't stop her, so apparently he didn't mind. Hopefully next time they kiss it will be on purpose and not the "I won't remember this tomorrow anyway, so what the hell?" kind of kisses.

One guy who won't be kissed anytime soon is John Durant. Carly found out her new Daddy Is the one who stole the file on Sonny and turned it over to Ric and she went nuts on him. I kept waiting for her to spit in his face, but my hopes were dashed, she just yelled. Rumor has it that he will admit to obtaining the file illegally in court to try to get back in her good graces and will get Sonny off the hook. You didn't really think Sonny was going to go to jail for any length of time, did you?

Same with Nik - about the time he gets settled into his jail cell, Helena will surface just in time to spring him and try to bump off his bride.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will my Christmas Tree ever make it out of the box in my living room floor and get trimmed? Will Mac and Felicia ever look for the long missing Maxie instead of worrying so much about Georgie getting laid? Will Dillon get rid of that conservative wedding hairdo that makes him look like and encyclopedia salesman? Will Jason stock up his liquor cabinet now that he knows Sam is loose when she's drunk? Will Michael be on the top of Santa's naughty list after running away from home 17 times this year? Will Rosy get a Milk Bone for Christmas to make up for being locked in the parking garage for 6 months? Will Faith be back in time to poison someone's Eggnog?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

Two Scoops Photo

Email the Columnist

Post/Read comments


Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.

Share this story with friends, family or the world.

PRINTABLE VERSION View a printer friendly version of this article

Related Information
Jason Morgan, GH
Ex-Blair Cramer, GH
Amy Driscoll, GH
Hamilton Finn, GH
Kiki Jerome, GH
Ned Quartermaine, GH
Lily Rivera, GH
Nina Reeves, GH
Jake Webber, GH
Ava Jerome, GH