Okay, okay. Calm down, peeps. I know I have to address the gigantic reveal from last week. The one so massively important that it makes me disappointed in Anderson Cooper for not covering it 24/7. Grab your notepads and pens because this is a crucial matter and should be written down. I'll stand by.
Are you ready? Here it goes: Anne does not file, y'all. Got that? She does. Not. File. Mmmkay. I know that's game-changing information, but let's try to collect ourselves and move on because we have pre-Sweeps shenanigans to scoop.
So, I'm still not sure what crawled up Anne's britches -- sideways -- and died, but she's certainly a woman on a mission to spread as much misery as possible. Was she one of Dr. Dan's one-night stands he forgot about? Are there always lumps in her morning oatmeal? Or perhaps Jennifer stole her shiny animal print jacket. I don't know, but there has to be more to this story. After a year, I'm ready to find out, dear writers.
Conversely, the Dannifer drama has been going on for more than a year, too. Well, it seems like ten or fifteen now, but I digress. I think the writers need an intervention. If I was finally convinced that I'll never be a teen model then the writers have to realize that Dr. Dan and Jennifer's relationship isn't much to write home about. The only thing "super" about this couple is that they are super annoying and consume a super amount of airtime. Yep. That's all.
Oddly, I find Dr. Dan's relationships with J.J. and Nicole much more interesting. That isn't to say I want to watch J.J. run wild with the Dannifer flag or to see the recovering manwhore play doctor with Nicole again, but I like that he and Nicole have each other to pal around and scheme with. Ms. Walker can certainly teach Dr. Dude a few things about lying, even though she's actually not this time.
That brings me to say I actually feel bad for Nicole. Sure, she has many sins to pay for, but drugging and raping a priest isn't one of them. Just don't try to convince Eric of that. He's über pissed. Just ask Brady. And Eric should be pissed, and I'm sure he feels made a fool of. So I feel bad for him, too. This storyline keeps getting uglier and uglier but in such a twisted, captivating way.
And at the center of said salacious storyline is Kristen. More so, what Kristen -- not Nicole -- did to Eric. She's running scared that he's going to put the pieces together, and a caged Kristen can be very dangerous. Marlena, however, has the key to Kristen's destruction in hand. It appeared she got an eyeful of her saintly son being bedded by Salem's super-sized sinner, but that's a cliffhanger that will be revealed soon enough, and I can't wait until it plays out!
Finally, Laurisa is usually the one with the keen eye for spotting high style or fashion faux pas, but I couldn't help but notice that there were a lot of curious wardrobe choices made in Salem last week, especially some, uh, interesting jackets. Of course, Nick's wasn't one of them. One should have a tux jacket in every color to wear over Hanes V-necks. So, I have to wonder -- were some of these choices a subtle nod to Halloween, or is Salem seeing a new fashion trend I'm not fashion-forward enough to get?
Whoa. Wow. And wowza! Maggie had a conversation with someone that didn't -- I repeat did not -- revolve around Dr. Dan. However, when she was speaking to Victor about his conspiring with Mar Mar, I did notice her hands shake a bit. That was either from the stress of not talking about her grown son's love life, or from the shock treatment she's probably receiving that gives her a jolt of electricity every time she thinks about Dr. Danny Boy.
Speaking of Victor and Marlena, they're kind of legendary. These two are made of win. I'll be sad when this storyline is over, as they won't have much of a reason to interact.
Something is not right about Karin. She's coming off as a cross between Marla Hooch from A League of their Own and Annie Wilkes from Misery. I'm guessing it won't be long before she has someone trapped in Jan Spears's old love cage.
Oh, shucks! The Chad/Abigail/Cameron love triangle is over. I'll try not to let my tears stain my pillowcase. Okay. I'll give constructive criticism. This storyline did little for me. In fact, Chad was right. Abigail did set them up to compete. Granted, she didn't ask to be deceived, but no one got abducted or preggers without knowing who the father is. So, it was pretty docile all around, albeit a little boring.
Finally, we had to say goodbye to both Will and Chad this week. Technically, Will's exit is only temporary while Chad is going to Boston for a surgery, which I am sure will be prolonged. Gulp. I'm sad. Okay, I got misty-eyed during Chad and E.J.'s goodbye scenes. By "misty-eyed," I mean I cried like Nicole when she runs out of martinis. I'll miss their special brotherly bond almost as much as they'll miss each other. Still, I'm glad Chad got to say goodbye to both E.J. and Kristen as well as his bestie, Will. Just like Casey Deidrick's chemistry with James Scott, I'll also miss the special one he shared with Chandler Massey. Yep, it was a sad week for Salem. Godspeed, Chadsworth!