This is it, DAYS fans! It's my last regular column of 2012. Well, perhaps my last column ever if those pesky Mayans have their way. But let's not dwell on potential gloom-and-doom end-of-the-world thingies because Salem was hopping last week, and we need to talk it now. You know, before it's too late. You can insert your own spooky sound effect there for emphasis. Anyway, grab your doomsday prep bag and that bottle of champagne you've been saving for a rainy day (or apocalypse), and let's head down to the fallout bunker to discuss!
MARLENA, JOHN, KRISTEN, and BRADY
Okay, let me begin with what I don't like about this storyline right now. I…I…oh, just cue some crickets chirping because coming up with something I didn't enjoy might take some time. But don't worry. I'm not going soft. I've stockpiled my snark for later in the column.
In the meantime, let me say that Eric Martsolf and Eileen Davidson were smoking hot together! Even the music that played during Brady and Kristen's romp was good. It was so not the standard soap sex sax riffs, which I appreciated. But I digress…
Sure, sure, Kristen is playing Brady like a fiddle. There's no question that she's using him to either land John or simply piss off Marlena -- well, perhaps both. But in Kristen's defense, you have to admire her commitment to her sinister scheme. I'm sure it's totally difficult for her to sleep with Brady. Poor gal!
And, sure, Brady is being a bit naïve. By a "bit," I mean a lot, but Brady is at his best when he's bedding a bad girl. If he ends up with his heart broken once he finds out what Kristen's up to, well, all the better. He'll want to retaliate. And Vengeful Brady is über interesting! I love Eric Martsolf's "I'm going to lock you in a crypt, bitch" looks.
Plus, I can't hate a storyline that includes Victor calling Brady out on his Walk of Shame. That was hysterical! After last week, I firmly believe this storyline needs more Victor. Maggie's already there, but his wisdom and surly quips would be greatly appreciated more often. I also believe a Victor vs. Kristen showdown would be one for the books. Someone needs to make this happen!
It should be noted that I do have sympathy for Marlena right now. There're just some things you can't un-see. Granted, Doc could have knocked, especially after hearing the moans and heavy breathing sounds coming from within the room, which generally indicates either intercourse or a competitive Wii game, or both in some cases, but seeing your stepson and archenemy knocking boots ranks right up there with a barfing clip on Tosh.0. It's just something you never want to see. I'm taking up donations to send Mar Mar a bottle of Clorox to wash out her eyes.
Ultimately, I love the way Marlena is trying to figure out Kristen's games and outmaneuver her foe. It's not entirely working to her advantage yet, but it's giving Dee Hall a lot to play with and making Marlena kinda cool right now. Please note the "right now," thankyouverymuch.
Anyway, Marlena vs. Kristen is just off-the-charts awesome. I particularly wanted to give Mar Mar some bonus cool points for the way she casually sat back in her desk chair and calmly let Kristen have it. Oh, oh, and I cracked up when Marlena said, "Shut your lying mouth!" Ha! That's not to say that Kristen's comebacks and looks that could kill weren't simply spectacular. Yes, yes, and yes! This is awesome, dear writers. More, please!
Whoops! I almost forgot to mention John. He's kind of just a hunky door prize at this point, right? Well, there could be worse things to be considered. Besides, he's a busy working man, y'all. Last week, his schedule was full of business calls and giving Marlena sitcom-dad-like looks of disapproval. Then again, I did enjoy how he thoroughly explained the hug Kristen gave him to Mar. No, really. That made me laugh. So, there's that.
NICK, GABI, WILL, and COMPANY
This storyline is driving me crazier than the look in Nick's eyes when he's, well, awake. It feels like the writers are reaching for the drama in the wrong direction. That is to say, a young gay man is having a baby with his young ex-girlfriend, but the writers are focusing on some nonsensical cover-up. It's like starting to tell someone you went to lunch with all of Barbara Walter's Ten Most Fascinating People of 2012 at the same time, but focusing on how your car was making a funny rattling sound on the drive there. I don't care about your car -- stay focused on how you ate Caprese salad with Ben Affleck, Hillary Clinton, and company, please!
There are ultimately two parts to the aforementioned cover-up angle that really set me off into a Scooping rage. To begin with, I don't get how exposing the truth about the baby would mean everyone would lose the loves of their lives. Thanks for that gem, Gabi. Ugh.
Yes, there's a serious chance that Will is going to lose Sonny if he doesn't own up to the truth. Sonny is on this honesty kick, which doesn't bode well for young Mr. Horton. Will should tell Sonny despite Nick
and Gabi's request to keep things under wraps. For Will not to fess up is completely stupid if he actually wants to hang on to Sonny. The only mistake Will and Gabi had made to that point was not using birth control. Other than that, they didn't cheat. I'm sure level-headed Sonny could come to terms with that, but being left out of the loop, per Nick's request, will certainly not fly with Sonny, nor should it.
I also think it's completely unfair of Nick to value his relationship with Gabi more than Will's with Sonny. Will loves Sonny just as Nick loves Gabi, albeit in a less obsessive, control freak kind of way. Nick's endgame is unreasonable. He's setting Will up to fail if the truth comes out. I don't know if I'm angrier at Nick for being a pushy creepazoid, or Will for falling for it. Then again, Will picked up that Nick was practically gloating when he found out Will would go along with his plan, so maybe I should smack some sense into Will.
More so, Nick seems just fine being
obsessed with there for Gabi and the baby. Well, he at least remained fine since he got his way. In fact, Nick and Gabi seem as snug as two bugs in a rug. The beans are spilled to him. He wants to be there. Why would that change if they, I don't know, told everyone the truth and shared custody of the baby? There's enough drama from the built-in relationships without having to create more that doesn't make sense.
That leads me to my second point of discontentment. Will's ultimate reason for surrendering to Nick's strong-arming is because he wanted the baby to have a stable "real family" filled with people who will love the little non-mistake. Yeah, Will, because Nick reeks of stability. Not to mention that Nick's use of the term "real family" is epically insulting. I can't believe Will rolled over on that one. I repeat, "Ugh!"
Color me crazy, but I'm sure a Hernandez/Brady/Horton/Roberts baby would be showered with love from all directions. Sure, its paternity would be a shocker at first, but I'm sure Will and Gabi would find some way to make it work, you know, with the help of nearly everyone they know. Hell, even Caroline is back now and can resume her duties as the go-to babysitter.
Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe the cover-up is for the best. I mean, really, how interesting would a storyline about a young gay guy in a committed relationship having a baby with his ex-girlfriend who's dating a former convict and general creepster who disapproves of the gays be? Nope. No drama there. Keep it moving, people.
E.J., SAMI, and RAFE
I hate adding Rafe to this section, as E.J. and Sami were enchantingly adorable last week! Like, the EJami Flag can be brought out of storage yet again adorable. And once Johnny was added into the mix, it was just a love fest. But, alas, Rafe is in the equation, which is like finding a hair in a delicious piece of cake.
Rafe's latest attempt to orbit Planet Sami was to ask her to be besties with Gabi. That was well thought-out. I mean, I know I would be itching to swap friendship bracelets and have all-night gab fests with the woman who just sold me out. Yep, yep. I'm sure Gabi will trust Sami with her secrets again just because Rafe thinks it's a good idea.
Yeah, also, what was with Rafe's comment to E.J. about "pushing Sami"? It's called work, Rafe. Sami was at work, and it was the morning. Methinks that's normal. I don't mind Rafe taking jabs at E.J. -- Elvis J did have a hand in hiring an imposter to take over Rafe's life and all -- but come up with something snazzier next time, oh perfect one. And if you need help, go to the nurses' station and ask for Maxine. She can coach you on sass.
ERIC and COMPANY
Okay, I've enjoyed Eric making his rounds to say hello to everyone. I really did. I especially loved the beers he shared with Roman at the pub. Oh, wait! That didn't happen. Why would it? My bad.
Eric's lunch with, Marlena, Brady, and the guy Mar Mar wishes were his real dad was nice, though. As was Eric's too cute for words time was Ciara. His "I love you" to Will at the end of their heart-to-heart was touching. Even his chat/arguments with Sami are fun. But that's kind of where the buck ended for me last week.
In the interest of full disclosure, I'm generally not digging Eric as a priest. It's coming across as a cheap plot point that will eventually lead to a church vs. a woman struggle somewhere down the road. Like Gabi getting pregnant, the writing is totally on the wall. Maybe I'm wrong, but my Spidey Senses are tingling nonetheless.
Speaking of "a woman," Nicole and Eric continued to have life-changing chats last week. I appreciate that Nicole is doing the work to better herself. I also enjoy that we're seeing it unfold on-screen in lieu of having another Jack scenario. To be clear, I meant when Jack went through the majority of his therapy off-screen, not the entire Jennifer forgetting to grieve for him fiasco, of course.
With that said, the writers could probably turn down the dial a notch at this point. The dialogue has pretty much been the same for several weeks now. She's sorry. He's not judging her. Etc. We get it. Thanks!
I'm also not looking forward to Eric on Team Rafe, although I'm not shocked. It's an unwritten rule that everyone must like Rafe unless you're a DiMera or dead ex-fiancée's sister. I think NBC is actually looking into subliminal messaging to ensure total Rafe domination. For once, I'd love a non-DiMera to skeptically say, "I don't know about that guy. He seems a little arrogant." Yeah, I'll keep dreaming.
There is hope, however! I'm curious to know what happened to Eric in the Congo. Hmm! Something crazy must have gone down for him to have such loud nightmares. I repeat, "Hmm!" I have this secret hope that Nicole and Sami have to team up to save Eric from his inner demons. I also hope the writers decide to focus a little more on this side of his storyline rather than the part where he's a guitar short of being a squeaky clean Sound of Music extra. Just saying.
Side Note: I wonder what Eric's opinion would have been on Rafe and Carrie's affair. Siding with Sami just can't happen (ask Marlena), so I assume he would be team Carrie and Rafe, too. Boo!
JENNIFER, DR. DAN, and NICOLE
On the topic of "Boo!", well, no, "Boo!" pretty much sums up Jennifer, Dr. Dan, and Nicole right now. I mean, really, sound the alarm -- what will they talk about? Oh, right, probably the same thing they have been for weeks now.
Lady Jen just needs to give it up at this point. She's not fooling anyone with her "grief for Jack." She should tell Dr. Dreamy she loves him and move on with her life. Well, if she survives her appendicitis.
And, see! Dr. Dan diagnosed Jen's condition without any lab tests, medical equipment, or even explanation of pain from the patient. His hand tremors aren't holding him back from being a miracle worker, but riddle me this! If Dr. Aloha was going to run away with Nicole and give up his career, then does it really matter if the treatment didn't work? It didn't sound like he was going to practice medicine at Surf City General.
Finally, Jen and Maggie are like two Care Bears arguing about who likes hugs and rainbows more. It needs to stop. It's uncomfortable and so un-Maggie-like. Normal Big Red would be thrilled that Jennifer loves her little Danny boy so much, and thank her for supporting him. Then again, what do I know? I still like Dr. Dan and Chelsea as a couple.