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 Two Scoops: September 22, 2008 columns
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Joseph Mascolo
Lemons and lemonade
by Tony
For the Week of September 22, 2008
No one can ever argue that Stefano doesn't have a set of brass ones! First, he takes Anna on a convoluted stroll down memory lane, then he mentions that he wants Kate to have his next child!
I have to admit, the first part of last week was a little … let's say … not so exciting. Between an episode long flashback and rinse and repeat dialogue, I felt as if I was sitting in a beige room, on a wooden chair painted beige in beige clothing drinking lukewarm tap water and eating stale Saltines. a.k.a - boring.

However … however, things changed big time by midweek and only got better! Heck, by Friday, I felt like I was dancing in a flashy discothèque wearing an ABBA-esque sequencey jumpsuit while gulping down electric lemonade! Ok, maybe I wasn't that excited, but I was happier. Around every turn there was action, around every corner danger and around every twist drama galore! Alliances were made, some were torn apart, punches were thrown and two surprise guests were heard! With that said, I'll take a break from my happy dance so we can talk about it!

Unhappy Hour (Stefano & Company)

No one can ever argue that Stefano doesn't have a set of brass ones! First, he takes Anna on a convoluted stroll down memory lane - sharing with her all of Tony's victories growing up, you know, those special, warm fuzzy moments he had his spies fill him in on. Next, while taking the said stroll, he mentions that he wants Kate to have his next child! Finally, he invites his enemies over for cocktails, expects some "Family Fun Time" and for everyone to ridicule Marlena for putting him in a coma. Yep, he's got some brass ones … or he's really delusional, I'm not entirely sure. There's a thin line between determined and demented.

Let's start by discussing the biggest "HUH?" - he wants Kate to have a Baby Phoenix!? A big, rolling rrriiiggghhhttt seems appropriate about now. Ok, sorry, I'm trying not to laugh as I write this. I've watched demon possessions and brainwashings, yet this one robs the cradle of insanity (much like when Marlena was pregnant with Roman's child). Isn't Kate a bit too mature to have more children? I know she had Austin and Billie early on and was a young grandma, but, umm, he wants Kate to have a baby!?!? Right, ok, sure, but first let me saddle up my unicorn so I can ride to Lollipop Land and pick up my best friend Nutters, the Magical Talking Squirrel. Right.

Let's do some Days' math, which is more like algebra because it doesn't make sense, but here's the equation anyway: According to her soapcentral.com bio , Chelsea was twenty-one in 2007 which would mean Billie has to be, at the very least, between thirty-five and forty to have a daughter her age and that is a major stretch. Why? Because Billie certainly wasn't a teen when she had Chelsea and therefore has to be to, again at the very least, forty-ish (in reality forty-five-ish, but, like the writers, we'll furthermore suspend any form of realty).

Now, if Billie is around that age range that would mean Kate is easily fifty-five assuming she was fifteen-ish when she had Billie, her second child. From what I've watched and heard, she wasn't that young when she had Austin and Billie. That said, fifty-five plus and pregnant? It could happen, emphasis on the could, but look how much trouble Kayla had conceiving and she's younger than Kate. Granted, Ms. Roberts seems pretty fertile (six kids and counting), but aren't there more suitable women out there that could make this storyline somewhat more convincing? Nicole? Chloe? Nurse Maxie? Heck, the next thing you know he'll kidnap Roman and give him a sex change operation so the former Mr. Marlena Evans can have his children.

There is one thing about this equation that could possibly add up and that's by actually placing Nicole into the mix. In general, I smell a major rewrite coming on, because, let's face it soap fans, when a woman sleeps with a man and then starts having "stomach issues" she's most likely pregnant. I hope I'm wrong, yet the way the E.J./Nicole storyline is going, I have a hunch Ms. "I Can't Have Children" is going to be preggers. Now, this could rise from the bad storyline idea ashes if Stefano gets involved …

First, Nicole could potentially be out of a large settlement soon as I'm sure Victor won't let it slide that their marriage was invalid therefore the settlement should be null and void. Next, Nicole will need money fast because this woman like's her drinks top shelf and her designer clothing which leads me to believe that if Stefano makes her an offer of a big payoff for a little bundle of evil she just might accept it. Finally, the Phoenix could totally manipulate her to his advantage and really stick it to E.J. by raising his child. It would keep the DiMera feud heated, E.J. and Nicole simmering and the fallout would be felt for a long time to come. With all that out, finally, let's get back to the party …

Things didn't exactly work out the way Stefano wanted them to. No, it didn't seem like "Papa's ducks" were in a row at all. His children are still against him. He disowned them yet again. He exposed Marelna yet again. Everyone, including his thrice disowned children, agreed that she did the right wrong thing - no hard feelings. And, lastly, John declared war on him. Again. I said Stefano has brass ones, but his little ducklings don't seem too afraid of the big, bad Phoenix anymore which could prove very interesting and costly.

Hit Me With Your Best Cough (Kate)

In other Kate news, you know, aside from the baby thing, her cough got a little nastier last week, well, actually it got bloody! Ewe, not good. I love Lauren Koslow, so I hope things don't turn grave for Kate. Lucky for her and viewers, Dr. Dan and Nurse Maxie are on the case! Still, no one's sure what's wrong with her, but my guess is its "MMS," Meddling Mother Syndrome. I think after all these years it's finally consuming her and when it reaches is worst she'll have super mind controlling abilities and be able to tell Philip and Lucas when to sit, speak and lay down. Regardless, one thing was great - hearing Billie's voice! Oh, and Austin's too. Right, him too. Although it was super awesome, it made me miss Julie Pinson even more. Ok, let's move on before I begin to sob and sing "Memory." Onto a happier place …

Honest Abe (Abe vs. Mayor Martino)

Slimy Mayor Martino premiered last week and wanted a scapegoat, but instead Abe showed him his horns and butted heads with the butthead. I've always liked Abe, but last week made me remember how awesomely awesome he can be! Sadly for Roman, who looked a bit crushed, he resigned from the Salem P.D.! Did not see that one coming! I'm still in shock and awe as I don't know if I can imagine the force without him - he was like the keystone to the cops. Abe and the force go together like Nicole and booze, like Alice and doughnuts, like Max and dating nieces. One without the other is unthinkable, yet he totally scored the knockout in his final round by telling off Mayor Sellout.

Lexie, however, was a little upset by the news as she too had a major announcement to make regarding her job - she quit too (more on that later)! With financial troubles facing them it makes me wonder if she'll go after a piece of the DiMera fortune too. I'm sure E.J. and Tony would love the help, but I have a feeling she and Abe are going to be just fine as they got some great news last week - Mark, Chelsea's future boyfriend I hope, sent them a progress report on Theo and it was good! Additionally, they got to watch their son play and he managed to put a puzzle together and communicate more! Money may be important, but these three are proving family is what really matters.

With all that's going on with the Carvers, I'm very curious to see how all of this plays out. Will Abe join forces with Steve and learn to bend the rules? Will he really go after Stefano, damning all consequences? Will Lexie opt for a piece of the DiMera pie or will she work hard for her money? And, will anyone ever call Abe "Partner" again?

Hail to the Ex-Chief (Lexie)

I don't say this often, but poor Lexie! That nasty board chairwoman was grilling her worse than a weenie on the Fourth of July. Even with Victor, Mickey and, yay, Julie on her side things didn't look that great for her, at first. That all changed very quickly with a rousing testimonial from Dr. Dan then a little one on one pep talk out in the hall afterwards.

All in all the outcome was for the best - the board decided to keep her on yet Lexie stepped down from her Chief of Staff position to focus on her family and practice. But, I should admit, I nearly laughed when Ms. Nasty Pants Chairwoman said, "Sounds like you've given it a lot of thought." I was like, umm, no, not really … she just made her mind up about three seconds ago out in the hall. Yet, it all worked out for the best so that's the most important thing. Yet there remains one important question …

Who will be the next Chief of Staff? Salem is short on Hortons these days, so any of them seem like a long shot. Ideally, I'd love for Mike to return or even Bill or Kitty, but I doubt that will happen. Maybe Lucas will take it over, because, you know, people in Salem can spontaneously become anything … for example, E.J. went from racing superstar to businessman to an eleven-year-old lawyer. Yep, anything can happen.

Kayla is my front running hunch, yet I'm not sold on that idea. She's brilliant, yet, as a new mother, I don't know if she would want to wear such important shoes. That leads me to Dr. Dan. I don't know about this one - he has the smarts and the impressive resume complete with successful experimental surgeries and turning hospitals green, but he's also a bit of a rebel, which could work to his advantage or easily not. Yet despite that factor, he might have a hard time getting elected thanks to a certain rift with a certain godfather …

Godpapa Don't Preach (Dr. Dan and Victor)

Hello awkward! If there's one thing everyone in Salem should know it's don't tick off Victor or Stefano. Dr. Dan must not have gotten that memo as he was very confrontational with Victor when confronted about hurting Chelsea. Not a good move, Doc. Even worse, Papa K saying you're an embarrassment! That hurt I'm sure. Although I did crack up when he said he's come to expect this kind of thing from Kate. That was funny.

Whereas it was a well acted dispute, there's something about these two characters fighting that makes me cringe. You can tell they love and respect each other, but you know when pushed Victor's alliance is with his family and he can get pretty vicious when protecting them. Even after Dr. Dan pulled out the dead wife sympathy card, Vic still didn't seem to ease up. That's not good news for Dr. Dan and if he really wants to smooth things over with Swamp Baby he needs to cool his jets and get Victor on his side again … a task that might be pretty hard to do.

The Blame Game (Sami)

Speaking of sides, I had to count to ten quite a few times last week as I was so annoyed that nearly everyone berated Sami for her actions and no one seemed to be on her side at all. I ended up counting to ten-thousand out of utter frustration. I get that she "broke the law," but I tend to agree with Laurisa - sure, she was acting on emotions without thinking, but, this time, it wasn't classic, scheming Sami. She wasn't drugging a man to sleep with her because she couldn't "live without him." She wasn't blackmailing someone to hold onto her handsome obsession de jour. She wasn't trying to sell Belle on the Black Market. No, she was, albeit irrationally, trying to make a hard adjustment easier for a daughter she misses.

Out of anyone, you'd think Dr. Evans, a psychiatrist, would notice the signs of Separation Anxiety Disorder and try to calmly talk to her daughter - not so much as both she and Roman laid into her. His big response to Sami asking him what side he was on was, "Ali's. How about you?" Ouch, Big Daddy - that was low. Marlena's reaction, however, angered me the second most on this countdown. She said Sami is a spoiled, selfish manipulator … that was after she told Roman to get her a coffee and rub her feet. Spoiled? Ok, maybe, but so is Marlena. A manipulator? Yes, big time, yet sometimes unintentionally, and not so unintentionally, Marlena is too. Selfish? Yep, but not this time - her only thoughts were that of her daughter's well being, you can't get more unselfish than that.

This pains me to admit as I love my Nicole, but she actually angered me the most by saying Sami never pays for her crimes. Say what!? As Laurisa pointed out to me during a little e-mail venting session we had last week, "I'm not an expert, but if you're trying to talk about how someone has gotten away with everything, it's probably not a good idea to start a sentence with, 'Except for the time she was on death row.'" I couldn't say it any better myself and that's why I quoted my better Scooping half!

Furthermore, and correct me if I'm wrong, but Nicole hasn't exactly paid for, well, any of her crimes. She's didn't go to jail for "killing" Colin Murphy. She didn't get into any hot water for having Jan Spears "kill" Victor. She didn't get in trouble for botching Chloe's surgery. Nope, none at all. So, really, the pot needs to stop calling the kettle names when they're both on the same stove top.

Promises, Promises (Nicole, E.J. & Sami)

You know, sometimes a couple just clicks with me and sometimes they don't. E.J. and Nicole don't which is a shame because I like both characters a lot, just not together. They're sort of like the previously mentioned beige to me - not all that exciting. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's inconsistent writing or not, but I'm not all that convinced he's really into her. Sure, he says all the right things and promises perfectly put together nights of wining and dining, but it just seems phony and showy - forced, perhaps, like he wants to like her more than he does. Not sure.

More so, I agree with Laurisa - E.J. and Sami are a like which makes me wonder why Elvis J is giving up when he seemingly has Sami right where he wants her. She's admitted her feelings for him, Lucas is as out of the picture as Lucas can be all things considered and they're living together. I'm not ruling out him genuinely liking Ms. Walker just yet, but there's something that's off about the entire scenario, like there's this little piece of the puzzle I am either missing or too zoned out to see. Maybe next week I'll catch the "Ejole" fever. Maybe.

Hit Him Baby One More Time (Trent, Max. Melanie & Company)

Whoa-ho-ho, did the Mean Dean get a mean beating or what!? Normally Mean Max irks me, but I was totally in his corner when he started throwing punches this time. Trent deserves a lot more than that for pimping out his own daughter and abusing his spouse (poor Nicole)! Yet this is Salem and, unless you're Sami according to Nicole, no crime goes unpunished. The punishment, however, seems to be building up to a good old fashion "Whodunit?" Here's some evidence that points to a Mean Dean Massacre.

First there's what I like to call the Slap-O-Meter. Two weeks ago, Trent was decked by John, I mean really decked and kicked repeatedly. Double ouch! Then, Marlena verbally smacked him around - sure, she didn't touch him, but he definitely felt the sting from her kiss off below the belt. Meow ouch! Then, last week, Max gave him one heck of a punch followed by a tense standoff with a broken beer bottle. Scary ouch! Finally, Mel gave her dad a big, ole slap! Ouch, ouch! All those swings and connects set the Slap-O-Meter into overdrive. That combined with the Treatometer, you know, Trent's life being threatened by Caroline, John, Max and Mel, etc., leads me to believe that we'll soon be hearing, "Ding Dong the Dean is dead!"

EXTRA SCOOPS

Hot & Not

Hot: Two words - GO ABE!!! He was a rock star last week and proved to be a man of principle and integrity. Sure, the Carvers might have to eat Ramen Noodles for a while, but I think it was well worth it! Two thumbs way up for sticking it to "The Man" Abe!

Not: I love me some fries and clam chowder, but I'm beginning to get bored with the Brady Pub set. No offense to Caroline, of course, as I'd probably be super fat from eating there all the time like the rest of Salem, but aren't there other locations things could take place … the park, elevators, the Java Café, Chez Rouge, etc. Nicole even joked she practically lives there! Overall, it just seems a little overused lately and, if they're going to serve us stale dialogue so often, the writers need to at least add an interesting garnish to look at.

Line of the Week:

"She's just a constipated busybody with too much time on her hands," Dr. Dan commenting on the Chairwoman of the Board at University Hospital. And I thought Anna and Kate could be catty!

Randomness …

NBC's loss in ABC's gain - Tamara Braun has a new gig as architect Reese on the alphabet network's All My Children! Sure, I'd rather see her back in Salem, I'm greedy like that, but I'm sure Tamara will charm the residents of Pine Valley as well as AMC fans with her terrific talents. Congratulations, T!

I'm still pulling for Pete to be featured more! He's a cool guy. Nicole loves him. Caroline trusts him. In general, he's totally loyal to the Brady Brunch - I loved when he said he "didn't see a thing" in reference to Max punching Trent. Give this guy a storyline already, folks!

Was I the only one disappointed that Hope, Kayla and Marlena's "lady's night" at the Blue Note didn't pan out? I was all geared up and ready for some fun female bonding and it just didn't happen! We got to see the "Bad Girls Club" of Nicole and Ava swig some cocktails, but nice girls need fun too!

Parting Thoughts …

So friends and Days' fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of September 22nd! I don't know about any of you, but I can't wait to see what happens next as things are shaking and baking and we're not even in Sweeps yet! While I'm comatose in front of my TV watching what happens as well as all the primetime shows kicking off this week, Laurisa will be hard at work covering all the latest drama and intrigue in Salem! I hope everyone has a great premiere week - "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading!
Tony



Need more Two Scoops? Laurisa and I are always up to something, so make sure to check out our soapcentral.com Blogs for more ranting, raving and all-out randomness!


Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.



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